[Enju's POV]

"Enju-sama, do you not take a liking to the yakizakana?"

Gekkamaru must have found me staring blankly at the food while trying my best to chew whatever was inside my mouth.

"Un... Don't you find it tasteless too? Gekkamaru?"

My teeth started to get tired chewing it, but I didn't feel like swallowing it.

"Tasteless?!! Enju! What are you eating? It's the same yakizakana we're all eating right?!"

Ennosuke exclaimed as he widened his eyes in big shock.

Kyara picked up a small portion of the yakizakana with her chopsticks next to me and put it into her mouth.

"It's the same yakizakana. Enju, are you feeling unwell?"

"Enju-sama is unwell?!"

Gekkamaru stood up abruptly as he reached out his arm towards me, putting his hand on top of my forehead.

If niisama is here, he will definitely scold him for standing up when we're in the middle of a meal.

"She doesn't seem to have a fever..."

"I think I'm just tired. I'll go to sleep early today. Everyone, good night."

In the end, niisama broke his promise.

How long have I been in my room? I don't know. But this is torturing me. I've been waiting. For niisama to return. I don't need to see him, I just want to know when he is back... and I know I'll feel assured just by knowing that.

Knowing he might not be back by that night, I shut my eyelids and tried, but I didn't seem to be able to fall asleep.

I was sure it was past midnight already. It was pitch black outside.

If niisama isn't going to come back any soon, I might just slip into his room and sleep.

I thought as I opened the shōji quietly, careful not to make any unnecessary sounds. I especially didn't want my one and only bodyguard to hear that.

I tiptoed to niisama's bedroom as I glanced left and right in the corridor, just like how niisama taught me to become stealth when undertaking a mission.

Successfully, I reached to his room's shōji.

And carefully opened it.

As expected, niisama's room was empty.

I pulled out his purple tatami sleeping mat and blankets from the drawer located near the wall, just like how I always did.

Speaking about it, I always went to niisama's room to sleep even when he was not on a mission. I would go to his room before he did. And whenever niisama saw me sleeping on his tatami, he would try to wake me up.

But I pretended to be asleep, because I didn't want to leave him.

I was glad niisama didn't realise I was pretending. And that was how I continued to sleep in his room sometimes.

Eventually, I rested on niisama's comfy tatami mat. I turned my body towards the shōji and waited for niisama to return. And I closed my eyes.

Somehow, I felt lonely.

I missed my mom, Kagari-sama, who was also niisama's father's sister... Tanba Momochi's sister－niisama's aunt. Sometimes I wondered if he missed his parents too. I heard from father about the conflicts between Iga and Kōga. When niisama was six years old, his whole family of the Iga was killed by the Kōga. Only a few survivors had managed to live. Just the thought of losing all his close ones... his family, made me feel sad.

But Chōjirō-niisama had never spoken anything about the tragedy... the destruction of Iga. He indulged himself in countless missions without rests. He trained himself to become a better shinobi everyday. He taught his disciples seriously in order to carry out missions ordered from my father.

Why hasn't niisama ever smiled openly to me then...? When father and I are his only family? Why does he not chat with me like we're family...?

He never made jokes like how Ennosuke did, I never knew what niisama was thinking about, and I rarely saw niisama smiled. But as his disciples, all of us wouldn't ask something as trivial and personal as that to a teacher.

Maybe niisama hates me.

Even though I was his cousin, I always felt like there was an invisible wall between us. A wall that I couldn't break apart or climb over. And it was intimidating. I thought.

But even so, I enjoyed niisama's company.

Sleeping in niisama's room makes me feel less lonely.

I thought as I tugged at the blankets tighter to myself.

And even when I don't know what niisama's thinking about in his mind, I always like following behind him and lear-

I heard the shōji shifted slightly.

"..."

And I sensed a presence.

I tugged the blankets even tighter and squeezed my eyes shut as I heard faint footsteps moving towards my direction.

I'm asleep! So I won't budge!

...

Silence.

...

...

Disregard the silence, I could tell he was looking down on my figure.

...

Silence.

...

...

He seemed to be observing me.

...

...

"Enju..."

I then heard niisama's soothing voice as he eventually called out my name softly.

Of course, I didn't budge nor reply to him.

Because I was asleep.

...

...

"Enju..."

This time, I felt niisama's hand on my left shoulder. He patted my shoulder softly as he tried.

But no! No way I'm leaving this tatami! I'm currently asleep!

"..."

I didn't move.

"I guess..."

His voice fainted as he seemed to realise I was asleep.

You guess... you guess I'm asleep right? Haha! Yes! I tricked niisama again!

I thought happily as I felt myself smiling.

But another thought quickly popped into my mind.

Oh no that won't do. I shouldn't be changing expressions. Or else niisama will know.

I thought I heard a soft giggle, very faintly. But I might have been mistaken. Because I knew niisama rarely smiled.

I heard his footsteps moving to another direction and the sounds of clothes shifting.

I opened one of my eyes and peeked.

Niisama was behind a shōji room divider, although I couldn't really see clearly due to the dark, I knew he was changing into his nagajuban from his shinobi outfit. Like always.

I closed my eyes again as I felt assured, knowing niisama was here. It was strange, but I did feel secure and safe whenever he was around.

I could hear something was shifting again.

I peeked again and this time, niisama opened his drawer. I saw him pulling out another set of futon.

I managed to see his short purple hair wavering a little as the faint moonlight went through the shōjis that were made out of paper.

I liked niisama's purple bob hair. The length was just slightly below his jaw. I thought his hair cut looked surprisingly adorable on him, especially when knowing niisama was always strict and stern to his disciples. If niisama smiled more, I thought... he would resemble the appearance of a girl's. A very cute girl.

"Enju, good night."

I heard him spoke softly.

What is he expecting? A good night from me? But I'm currently asleep! No, I won't fall for niisama's tricks. I won't let him kick me out of his room.

Despite I felt an invisible wall between us, there was another reason as to why I was afraid to know niisama's actual thoughts.

What if... niisama actually.. really wants to kick me out of his room? What if he actually finds me really annoying by always following him around? What if he actually finds me a hindrance?

Then I'd rather not want to know.

Assuring everything was fine, and that niisama was probably already asleep, I opened my eyes again.

Niisama looks exhausted.

I observed his figure from afar. He was facing upwards the ceiling with his eyes closed. I could see his figure slightly clearer than before as the moonlight spilled into the shōji doors more.

Niisama's futon was just next to mine a little. I frowned as I saw his left fist.

Oh? Again! Niisama is always grasping his hand as hard as a rock. So tight!

I was curious about niisama's very stiff fist.

In fact, I always saw that. In training grounds, in the village, in the outskirts... Almost everywhere.

But I never asked why.

There was a wall between us.

I think... niisama must be already asleep...? He looks drained after all.

He looked serene. I thought.

I moved sneakily near his tatami with my eyes closed while pretending I was just changing positions of sleeping, in any case he wasn't actually asleep.

I successfully laid my head on his pillow, just next to his head a little. I found myself smiling as I felt his face was close to mine.

My hand placed randomly on top of his tight left fist.

Hm... he doesn't budge even a single bit.

Confirming that he was already asleep. I took a small peek at niisama's face.

...?

Hm...? What is that face...?

A very small smile was planted on his face. He looked... happy.

Niisama smiled...

I could feel the relaxation of his fist beneath my palm. It loosened.

Niisama must be having a nice dream. I hope the dream could last longer.

I thought as I leaned my body towards his left arm more. But with cautiousness. Without waking him up, of course.

...

I felt warmth.

...

...

"...Niisama, good night to you too."

I spoke softly as I finally fell asleep. For real.

...

...

...

Knowing that she was asleep, I opened my eyes slowly and observed the tiny figure rested beside me as I turned my head sideways.

When I thought about how she sneaked into my room while being cautious for not obtaining anyone else's attention, and how she crawled next to me from the separate tatami bed, it even made me want to giggle out loud. It was funny how my 9-year-old cousin could bring me peace of mind.

Her face was just about 3 millimetres next to mine. She looked peaceful.

I loosened my left fist... when one of her hands put on top of my left hand, because for some reason, I felt relaxed at a sudden.

But that didn't last long.

I hope... I won't lose anything again.

I traced my fingers inside my palm slowly...

So I'd rather not make anything important to me. If I don't have anything precious from the start, then I have nothing to lose.

I looked down at Enju abruptly and frowned at her. Then I carefully placed her hand somewhere else with my right hand as I faced towards the opposite direction of hers.

I opened my left palm again as I stared at the creation I made inside blankly.

The room was pretty dark so I couldn't really see. But I stared at them anyway. I traced my right forefinger against the tiny scars I made inside my palm.

Happiness is not important to me. And I don't need to understand what it is. As long as I don't have anything precious to me, there's nothing to fear about.

I plunged my fingernails into the flesh of my palm again.

It's a bad habit, I know. But I can't seem to stop myself from doing that.

I felt nothing as blood started to seep out from the fresh wounds. Nothing but numbness. Grasping my scars inside my palm made me think I was protecting my happiness inside. But at the same time, I felt like they kept spilling out tremendously...

Gradually, I didn't understand what kind of emotion that was anymore.

But I didn't need to know anyway. After all, it was meaningless for a shinobi to feel anything.

Ah, I can feel it itching again. I want to hurt it so badly.

My nails were about to stab into my palm again when...

...?

Hm?

"Nii..."

...?!

I felt my heart skipped a beat for a second as I could suddenly feel something soft touched my back.

"..?!"

I gasped as I felt a pair of tiny arms wrapping around my waist.

"Ni.. ii..."

"...!"

"Nii... please, don't go away."

"E-Enju."

"I... miss... you."

Even without turning my back, I knew her face was mushing my back.

"... Heheheh... Heheheh! Hehe... niisama is back..."

...?

I was reassured as soon as I heard her small giggles, since the normal Enju wouldn't giggle that openly in front of me.

She must be just muttering in her dreams.

Knowing she was doing that unconsciously, I calmed myself down and couldn't help but lifting up the corners of my mouth very slightly.

Hearing her say that somehow made me... feel... I didn't even know what it was. A sense of relief? I didn't know she wanted me to return to the village that badly.

I wonder why Enju wants that though. I wonder why she enjoys sleeping with me that much.

"Nii...nii...?"

When I shifted a little towards the front, trying to get rid of her tiny arms, her head slumped to my back even more.

"Ha..."

I sighed nervously. Couldn't seem to rid of her from my body anyhow.

With her tiny arms around my waist and her head glued to my back, my mind was solely on her peaceful pace of breathing, trying to not to wake her up－instead of thinking about to hurt myself.

"Enju, you're so..."

...

I felt Enju's tiny arms squeezed my waist a little bit tighter. And I smiled. Unconsciously.

－The flowing blood from the fresh scars I made to myself also seemed to stop as well.