Apologies in advance but this chapter and the next will be more hurt/comfort than humour (it was alllll supposed to be humour ? but the angst train caught up with me)

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxo

"What the hell are you doing now?"

"Uh, getting ready for bed?"

"On the floor?"

"...yes?"

Jiang Cheng slowly raised an eyebrow.

"...no?"

Jiang Cheng didn't even bother to dignify that with a response. He just rolled his eyes and told Wei Wuxian to hurry up and get on the bed because if he caught his death from a cold he'd personally bring one of those Lan kids to do Inquiry so he could chew out Wei Wuxian's spirit for being so foolish.

"And besides, you can sleep next to Lan Wangji just fine so it's obvious you can deal with sharing. Unless of course, it's somehow different with Lan Wangji," Jiang Cheng grumbled.

"Jiang Cheeeng, not this again!" he groaned, foregoing shame and clambering in beside him. A bed would always beat the floor.

The bed was narrow and they had to squeeze together to fit, but at least it was now warm and cozy and he felt inexplicably safe which he was trying not to think about because he felt brittle at the moment and if he thought on it too much he might cry.

"You didn't answer my question by the way," Jiang Cheng said.

"Huh, what question? About Lan Zhan? Don't be so jealous. I told you, nothing's going on between me and Lan Zhan. He's just a good person and an even better friend."

"Ugh no! I meant about The Ghost General. What could Wen Ning have going on that he had to ask you to take over guard duty?" Jiang Cheng didn't really care about Wen Ning's whereabouts but he was curious because, well, he wasn't stupid. Wen Ning clearly felt guilty over Jin Zixuan's death even though it wasn't entirely his fault (yes, Jiang Cheng could finally admit that, if only to himself. Growth people. It happens.) For him to leave when Jin Ling might be facing possible danger was unusual.

Wei Wuxian was silent for a moment. The truth was that Wen Ning and A-Yuan had gone to Qishan to give their family a proper send off and lay their souls to rest. If Wen Ning had gone on his own he would not have hesitated to tell Jiang Cheng, but as it was, he'd taken A-Yuan with him. It was an opportunity for them to make up for lost time with each other. Wei Wuxian wasn't sure how many of the Lans actually knew A-Yuan's identity aside from Lan Xichen, Lan Zhan, and possibly Lan Qiren. It was also possible that A-Yuan might tell Lan Jingyi given that they seemed to be close and Lan Jingyi was the open minded sort. Suffice to say, the people who were aware of Wen Yuan's identity could probably be counted on one hand. The problem was that Jiang Cheng was not an idiot. Jiang Cheng always felt like he was less because he couldn't beat Wei Wuxian, however, the truth is that Wei Wuxian was widely considered a genius before his ignominy arose and Jiang Cheng was right behind him in capability. So, as he had told Lan Zhan long ago in the Xuanwu cave (and man, wasn't it the weirdest details that he remembered given his crappy memory?) Jiang Cheng was smart. And he could put two and two together just fine, especially when he didn't have a million other concerns to be dealing with like he did back when they were young and fresh out of war. So Wei Wuxian hesitated. Because telling Jiang Cheng was a risk.

Of course, he didn't think that Jiang Cheng would go into a murderous rage. Not anymore at least. A-Yuan had been a baby, and as much as Jiang Cheng had disliked the Wens, he wouldn't go out of his way to hurt a child. Besides, his anger at the remnants in particular was specifically because he felt Wei Wuxian had abandoned him for them. He was practically cordial to Wen Ning these days after he'd helped save Jin Ling in the temple (or what counted as cordial from Jiang Cheng, at least, after the first time they bumped into one another while following the juniors according to A-Yuan). So no, anger wasn't what Wei Wuxian feared, though it was most often the form that hurt took with Jiang Cheng. And that was what he didn't want: to bring up painful memories. There was a reason he'd asked to leave everything in the past after all. Their relationship was… complicated. But… being with Jiang Cheng again was welcomed, even with their current awkwardness. He didn't want to ruin the tentative truce they seemed to have reached.

However, if he said nothing at all and Jiang Cheng figured it out… And it was likely that he would, given that he stal- guarded the kids when Jin Ling was present and as such he often overheard their conversations. A-Yuan didn't hide that he was going on a trip with Wen Ning, and his friends would likely ask him all about it. He doubted they'd clue into him being a Wen unless told, but Jiang Cheng had perspective that the juniors didn't. It was now a question of if it would be better for him to learn of it from Wei Wuxian now, and risk destroying the fragile peace between them or find out during a night hunt where distractions could prove fatal. (Well it was obvious which one was worse; there was no good option.)

He must have been silent for too long because Jiang Cheng prodded him. "Did you fall asleep?"

"Well if I did you'd have woken me up. Missing my dulcet tones already?" he joked.

"Tch."

"I notice you didn't deny it," he said gleefully.

"I notice you still didn't answer," Jiang Cheng retorted.

Well that put a stop to his joking. Of course he could simply refuse to answer and say it wasn't any of Jiang Cheng's business (Jiang Cheng probably wouldn't even fight him on that), but that would then be leaving it to chance on a random night hunt. It was better he steel himself and answer now for better or for worse while they were in a controlled environment. At the very least nobody would get hurt (except maybe him).

"Promise you won't get mad?"

"Huh. What would I even be mad about? Has he gone to dance on my parents' graves?"

Well, if he was able to quip about that maybe this wouldn't go so badly.

Wei Wuxian bit his lip. "No," he said softly, "He went to Nightless City to bury the ashes of his people and build a cenotaph for Wen Qing."

"Oh. I see."

That was all Jiang Cheng said, before going silent. It was a heavy silence and Wei Wuxian found that he did not know how to break it.

Eventually Jiang Cheng said, "It's been a long day. We should get some sleep."

This… was not a reaction that he had anticipated. He didn't even know how to broach the topic of Lan Sizhui now that the atmosphere had gone all weird.

"Okay," was all he could whisper in the end.

Jiang Cheng waved a hand and put out the candles. The slight warmth they exuded dissipated after being extinguished. Wei Wuxian felt a shiver go through him at the loss. Without a word, Jiang Cheng pulled the blankets tight around them in an effort to keep him warm, and then closed his eyes, not inviting further conversation.

There was nothing left to do then but follow suit.

He woke up in Nightless City.

The air was iron scented and he couldn't hear himself think over the roar of battle. But somehow he heard her. She was calling his name. But where was she? Why was she here?

"A-Xian"

"Shijie!"

He was frantic now. She shouldn't be here. It wasn't safe! He needed to find her.

"A-Jie!"

So Jiang Cheng noticed her too. Good. Hopefully one of them would get to her quickly.

But Shijie was still calling.

"A-Xian! A-Cheng!"

He pushed through men and corpses alike, searching frantically in the direction of her voice. All thoughts of fighting were forgotten. Nothing was more important than getting Shijie out of there.

"A-Xian!" she cried, spotting him across the battle.

He was running towards her. But suddenly there was a fierce corpse behind her. His eyes widened as he ran towards her but he was too late and she had already been struck. Jiang Cheng arrived in time to catch her body and Lan Zhan managed to destroy the corpse but it was too late, the damage had been done.

"Shijie," he cried, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry."

He wept and apologised for all the pain and suffering he had caused her including the injury. He was distraught and could barely hear her reassurances. Everything was muted. His blood was pounding in his ears and snot and tears dripped from his face as he fell apart in the middle of a battlefield that he had partially helped create and yet Shijie was stroking his hair and smiling at him as softly as always even though it was his fault that she was injured and her husband dead.

He would stop the battle for her, he decided. He would leave and go back to the burial mounds and focus on protection only and not cause any more harm to the ones he loved.

But before he could do anything, he was roughly pushed aside.

No!

No, this couldn't be happening.

"SHIJIE!"

There was a blade through his precious shijie's throat…. and suddenly, she was gone. She was gone and in her place was Jiang Cheng. Except the sword was through his chest and they were no longer in Qishan.

"No, no! Jiang Cheng!"

"Wei Wuxian, wake up!"

Someone was shaking him. He opened his eyes, unseeing. There was a manic sort of expression on his face and his heart was pounding. It took him a minute to register that he was no longer on the floor of the Guanyin Temple but in a dimly lit room at the inn and that someone was next to him on the bed, halfway leaning over him and clutching his arm.

"Jiang Cheng?"

"I'm here."

"Jiang Cheng!" he grabbed the arm that held him.

"You're alive," his breath hitched, and he frantically searched Jiang Cheng's chest for the wound. On seeing his perfectly blood-free robes and hearing Jiang Cheng's surprised gasp, he removed his hands. Jiang Cheng was wearing a complicated expression.

"You were crying," he said, running a thumb across Wei Wuxian's sticky cheek where his tears had half dried.

"I…" he hadn't noticed that actually, he was more preoccupied with the thought of his shijie and shidi both dying because of him, "I..guess I was."

He forced himself to sit up, leaning against the bedhead. He tried to smile. It came out shaky.

"Don't do that," Jiang Cheng said, raising himself up too and scowling.

"Don't do what?"

"Don't force yourself to smile. You always do that. You always try to pretend that you're okay when you're not. If you're sad then just cry. You don't need to act like it's no big deal." It was one of the few things he'd managed to teach A-Ling that he thought he'd gotten right and he didn't care who disagreed. Though Jin Ling being Sect Leader unfortunately meant he had masks to wear now, but as long as Jiang Cheng was alive his nephew would always have a safe place to break down if he needed to. (There was no such space for him.)

"It was just a dream," he lied, voice hoarse.

"You were calling for A-Jie," Jiang Cheng said pointedly. The fact that he was calling for him too went unmentioned.

He shivered; this time it wasn't from the cold. Dreaming of the day he got his Shijie killed was always horrible, but it hadn't happened in a while. Except this time it was joined by a new nightmare.

"I dream of it too," Jiang Cheng whispered.

"It wasn't just… This time.. it..." he swallowed thickly, "It wasn't just Shijie." He looked away from Jiang Cheng, feeling ashamed and more than a little vulnerable.

There was something about the nighttime -its quietude- that brought out one's softer side. In the cold night, dark save for the soft glow of a candle, when snugly tucked into a warm bed after a mentally taxing day, it was easier than normal to be honest and open. Gentler too than in the cold light of day, when all shields would go back up.

His emotionally constipated shidi was apparently no exception to the spell of the night.

"I'm right here," Jiang Cheng held his chin and turned his head back to face him. "Look."

"But you almost weren't! You…" he finally looked up at Jiang Cheng (curse Mo Xuanyu's tiny body...he used to be just a bit taller than Jiang Cheng once upon a time).

"You could have died! If that snake Jin Guangyao didn't trick you into thinking he would hurt me with those guqin strings of his you wouldn't have been stabbed! You should have just taken him out instead of worrying about me. Why did you jump in front of me? You and Shijie both... Why…" he grabbed the front of Jiang Cheng's robes tightly. The tears were coming again. All he could see was the image of Jiang Cheng in his dream, stabbed straight through with Hensheng and coughing up blood alongside his last breath, just to protect Wei Wuxian who'd caused him so much pain. Jiang Cheng, who bled out in front of him, because of him, just like Shijie while he sat there helpless. Jiang Cheng, who he wanted to live so badly he'd given him his precious golden core after days of excruciating pain, not knowing if it would even work.

Jiang Cheng, who was looking at him with an indecipherable expression.

Jiang Cheng had asked himself the same question about Yanli all those years ago...but the thing is...he had already known the answer. It was a rhetorical question in his mind because the answer was so obvious it didn't need to be stated.

Except for the dumbass in front of him apparently.

What did he mean why ? It was obvious why. Didn't he do the same with his stupid golden core? At the very least Wei Wuxian should know why A-Jie would have done what she did, even if he doubted Jiang Cheng. Which, to be honest, was kind of hurtful given that Jiang Cheng had trusted and believed in him (even if he was mad at him) up until the moment A-Jie had died. After that, both of them had gone a little insane. (Well Wei Wuxian went a lot insane...) But before that, hadn't he tried his best to protect Wei Wuxian? It was Wei Wuxian that didn't want his protection. It was Wei Wuxian who rejected his attempts and told him to cut ties. Besides, it wasn't the first time he'd thrown himself between Wei Wuxian and a weapon...it wasn't even the first time he'd risked his life for him. His entire damned life revolved around Wei Wuxian in some way or the other. Instead of worrying his foot! For a proclaimed genius, Wei Wuxian could be remarkably stupid.

"When have I ever stopped worrying about you, Wei Wuxian?" For better or for worse, hadn't he been worrying about Wei Wuxian ever since they met each other?

Wei Wuxian's grip on his robes barely slackened, his tears falling rapidly. "I'm sorry," he cried, "I'm sorry. Jiang Cheng…"

He sighed. This scene was giving him a weird sense of deja vu. Except the roles were reversed now. (And mercifully, they didn't have an audience.) "What are you sorry for?"

"I..it's all fault… *hic* Shijie.. A..nd . I ..." his head drooped.

"She made her choice," Jiang Cheng said gruffly. It had taken him over a decade to come to terms with that choice. But he'd come to terms with it. Watching Wei Wuxian walk away at Guanyin Temple with his words stuck in his throat, unable to call him back or admit what he'd done, had really put things into perspective for him. He'd suddenly understood why Wei Wuxian hadn't said anything to him about what he'd done because hadn't he himself kept mum? And as for Jiang Yanli… he'd also done the same thing she had, hadn't he? Twice now he'd put his life on the line for Wei Wuxian without a second thought (And he would probably do it again if he had to if he was honest...which he wasn't, so good luck to anyone ever trying to get him to admit that even to himself.) He'd resented Wei Wuxian (and in some darker moments, A-Jie as well...they'd both left him...) for a long time but in the end, he was the exact same as the both of them. God they were such messes.

After Guanyin Temple he'd had to do a lot of soul searching. Wei Wuxian had wanted them to leave the past in the past. He'd been devastated at what he thought was a dismissal but eventually...eventually he'd started to do it. It wasn't something that would go away immediately of course. His wounds had been festering for over a decade and it would take time for him to heal. He'd despaired that Wei Wuxian would do as he said and put the past (which included him) behind him and move on to greener pastures. And then he'd told himself that even if that was the case, he owed it to him to let him pursue his happiness. Because… Jiang Cheng had looked for him for 13 years. He'd looked for him and now he was back... He was alive and that would have to be enough even if he never wanted anything to do with Jiang Cheng again.

Except, Wei Wuxian was here. It was awkward between them now and things were stilted and he probably hadn't even meant to bump into Jiang Cheng, but he was here. And Jiang Cheng would hate himself even more than he already did if he didn't try to keep him here this time.

"Wei Wuxian. Look at me."

When he didn't seem capable of lifting his head, Jiang Cheng did it for him.

Jiang Cheng wasn't going to let this cycle continue, he decided. He'd blamed him for long enough, and Wei Wuxian would continue blaming himself forever for something that he'd had no say in (he could be blamed for a great many things, but not this...not any longer).

"It was her choice. She saw what would have happened and determined that it was unacceptable to her and so she chose to save you. A-jie made that decision for herself." He continued, quieter, "As did I. It was my choice to protect you, even if it turned out to be just a trick. None of that is your fault. Even if I had died, it still wouldn't be your fault."

But the words didn't seem to have the effect he'd hoped for because instead of being consoled…

"No! You can't die!" Wei Wuxian threw himself at Jiang Cheng suddenly, knocking the breath out of him. Clutching him tightly he sobbed as if the world was ending. "You *hic* can't. A-Cheng y..you can't die. You're not allowed t..to d..die!" he wailed.

Even if I had died

Why was he saying this? How could he talk about it so lightly?

If he had died? No!

It was unacceptable. Jiang Cheng had to live. How could he be in a world where Jiang Cheng didn't exist?

The images of that day in the temple….the images from his dream… were fresh in his mind. He couldn't lose Jiang Cheng. As long as the two of us are alive in the world, we'll meet sooner or later , he had told Lan Zhan. But how could they meet if Jiang Cheng wasn't alive? Even if Jiang Cheng hated him and wanted nothing to do with him, he had to live.

Before he knew it he was sobbing his heart out and squeezing Jiang Cheng so tight that even with his poor cultivation in this weak body he managed to draw a pained wheeze from the man.

It had never occurred to him before. The thought of having been brought back into a world that Jiang Cheng might not have existed in… he hadn't had to think about it because it wasn't what happened. But it could have! When he came back his thoughts were about avoiding Jiang Cheng and everyone else from his past. But not once had he ever considered that Jiang Cheng might not have been there. What if Jin Guangyao had thought him a threat and had gotten rid of him before Wei Wuxian was resurrected?

He was hyperventilating now, mind clouded with what ifs, and half choking on his sobs. Jiang Cheng had surprisingly not pushed him away yet.

"Breathe!" Jiang Cheng commanded instead, rubbing his back until he calmed down a bit. The steady heartbeat beneath his ears helped.

"I told you I'm right here. What are you talking about dying for? Aren't I alive and here next to you? Besides, you were the one who went and died!" he scowled.

It was true. He did. He knew the backlash from the seal would probably kill him but he didn't care at that point. Wei Wuxian had been doing a good job at not thinking about the things that happened in his past while travelling the past few months. But one chance meeting with Jiang Cheng and that thin veneer of I'm-fine-everything's-fine had been shattered. He'd not really confronted anything aside from what he had to because of Jin Guangyao. All he did was push everything in a box in his mind and tried to travel and live carefree without being burdened by his past mistakes and pain.

But after that dream it was like a dam broke within him and all the feelings came pouring out. He could no longer keep up the facade of having left the past in the past. He sure as heck wanted to, but at the end of the day it was easier said than done. It may have been over a decade for the cultivation world… but it felt like yesterday to him, and it might as well have been! Everything was spinning around in his brain and he felt dizzy with it. There were too many thoughts that plagued him.

From the time Lotus Pier burned until his death he hadn't had a moment's respite. He remembered nothing from being dead… and then he was brought back and thrown into chaos again. After he and Lan Zhan went their separate ways he was focused on finding food and shelter, wandering around with his donkey and just going where the wind took him. He distracted himself by finding small night hunts to take on and in general thought about nothing except how good it was to be free to do what he liked.

He ignored the part of him that felt his loneliness keenly. He ignored the part of him that wanted to go home. He had no right to call Lotus Pier home anymore though and so he convinced himself that he didn't need a home. His parents had been wandering cultivators after all. He could just do what they did.

But all day he'd been plastered to Jiang Cheng's side while they followed the boys around. It had reminded him a bit too much of causing trouble when they were young, sneaking around so as not to get caught. He'd teased Jiang Cheng earlier and that moment of familiarity had him running to Lil Apple to remind himself of the state of things. Then Jiang Cheng had scolded him about running about in the cold and left him clean water to bathe and brought him dinner and they were sharing a room again. He was overwhelmed and his nightmare was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Hadn't Jiang Cheng said if he felt sad then just cry? Sad didn't even begin to cover what he was feeling. But it was as if he'd needed that permission to let himself feel because he didn't hold back at all.

He cried and cried and Jiang Cheng just sat there holding him and petting him, like he must have done for Jin Ling as a child. Wasn't it funny how the roles were reversed now? In front of Jiang Cheng he felt like a child. His shidi had grown. He'd grown into his role as sect leader admirably, even without Wei Wuxian by his side. It was Wei Wuxian who hadn't grown. He was the one who was left behind now.

Jiang Cheng was running his fingers through his hair soothingly and Wei Wuxian felt weak. A pang of heartache shot through him as he wondered when last he'd had any sort of comfort from someone… and then he wondered when last Jiang Cheng did.

Casual touch became a thing that he'd dreaded after being thrown into the Burial Mounds. For someone who had been a naturally affectionate person, especially around those he loved, it was painful… for him and for them. The last time he'd been hugged by Jiang Cheng he was too freshly traumatised to reciprocate. Plus his secret had him avoiding physical contact for fear of being found out. And at the Burial Mounds well… A-Yuan had been his saving grace. That innocent little child was a ray of sunshine in that bleak place and kept him from losing it completely. He didn't regret saving them but oh how he missed home. He knew the moment he saved them there was no turning back though. In order to save Jiang Cheng…to not lose him... (though he lost him anyway).

And for the first time he let himself think about the fact that Jiang Cheng lost him . That Jiang Cheng, who hadn't known what he did, had every right to be upset with him for being flaky without an excuse. And yet Jiang Cheng had wanted to protect him still- had begged him to leave and come home. He'd left Jiang Cheng alone to rebuild in the ashes of their home with only ghosts for company and disciples who were all but strangers.

Jin Ling must have been Jiang Cheng's A-Yuan. The only one he had left. Even Wei Wuxian died and left him.

"I'm sorry," he sniffled. "I'm sorry. Sorry."

Jiang Cheng sighed, "Whatever for now? Didn't I tell you to stop thinking about it. It didn't happen. I'm fine."

"For leaving you alone," he said in a small voice, "I'm sorry." And he was. Because Jiang Cheng was right. He was the one who left first. He was the one who died. And if even the thought of Jiang Cheng being gone was enough to reduce him to a blubbering mess… what must it have been like for Jiang Cheng to deal with everyone being lost to him...all alone? Even Wei Wuxian himself succumbed to death, leaving nobody left who knew him. He was Sect Leader Jiang. To Jin Ling he was jiujiu. But who was left that knew Jiang Cheng?

Jiang Cheng had gone rigid. But he hadn't thrown him off yet so Wei Wuxian continued.

"I'm sorry I broke my promises. It doesn't make anything better but I never wanted to leave even if it's what I did. You know now that I owed Wen Ning and Wen Qing. How could I leave them when I owed them for helping me? It was my selfish wish to see you be who you were always meant to be. A..and I couldn't…" he stopped and a sob forced its way out again, "A-Cheng I couldn't let you die. Y..you looked like you wanted to… so I... But you can't die. You just can't." He pressed his face back into Jiang Cheng's now stiff frame and continued shedding silent tears for a bit.

"This shixiong is sorry… but I would have done anything for you to live well," he said finally.