Night had fallen by the time Bucky Barnes walked into his sparse apartment in New York City, flipping on a lamp as he did. Despite getting a pardon from the US government (which came with conditions, given his circumstances), he had this sneaking suspicion he just bounced from being one group's attack dog to another's. He was set up with a therapist as part of his pardon but even after several sessions, he didn't feel any less trapped by his memories. He got a haircut and an updated wardrobe to make him less conspicuous and he felt more like his "old" self when interacting with other people. But he still felt trapped. Both by his circumstances and his nightmares. Steve was gone. And so was she…
Bucky sat down on his bedding on the floor and pulled out a picture Pepper Potts had given him six months ago from under his couch. A small, sad smile curved his lips as he looked at it. It was a candid photo of him under a tree at the Stark family cabin after Tony Stark's funeral. With him, head on his lap...was Phoenix. She was a chimera who had forged a connection with him as far back as 1944 and who kept reappearing in his life when he needed her most. Bucky looked over her body, every detail committed to memory. The body of a horse, the horns of a unicorn and ram, the tail of a scorpion, and numerous scales, Phoenix was unlike anything that had ever walked the earth. After everything he had gone through and all the ugly things he had done, she was easily the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in his life.
The former Winter Soldier never mentioned her to his therapist, despite HIPAA restrictions that would've kept talk of Phoenix in that room. Compared to everything people had witnessed since 2008, Phoenix wasn't all that fantastical. But Bucky knew deep down that if HYDRA had had an interest in her (they sent him after her once), the US government most certainly would as well and he didn't trust Dr. Raynor to keep quiet. Phoenix's tail alone had numerous applications the government would want to exploit and Bucky could not allow that to happen. He had to protect her and to do that, he had to keep his lips sealed. She was his friend. With Steve gone, Phoenix was really the only one he had left. Sure, Sam Wilson tried to keep in touch but Bucky generally ignored him.
Thinking back to when Steve explained that watching him turn to dust traumatized her, Bucky felt familiar heavy guilt settle on him. He had hidden it well when they spoke of it but after Phoenix left, he cracked. Keeping the front up was the hardest thing he had to do because of her instincts. It was his fault. Not a single encounter passed without him hurting her in some way. When she was forced to leave his side in 1944, he hurt her. When HYDRA sicced him on her in 2014, he hurt her. When they met again in Romania months later and she took on his burden for a night, he hurt her. When he was dusted in 2019, he hurt her. When they parted ways six months ago, he still hurt her.
And yet, she kept coming back to him. It didn't ease the pain of knowing she carried scars thanks to him. It actually pained him even more not knowing how they compared to any scars she was carrying long before they met. Phoenix was old. And she wasn't natural by any metric. There's no way in hell she had gone 75 years between her birth and their first meeting without her existence leading to some form of abuse or another. She had implied as much when she spoke of her creator. He took her away from her mother and even though she didn't go into further detail, she had made it known that she associated human hands with pain. That meant her creator had done terrible things to her, including experimentation.
The hand holding the photo dropping to his blanket, Bucky covered his eyes with his other one. He had to keep it together. What did Phoenix tell him once? Oh, yeah. A dog wouldn't judge him for the actions of his past as long as he showed kindness today. She flat out told him that she didn't look at him any differently than a dog would. He believed her. A sudden chuckle reverberated from his chest when he suddenly remembered her last secret. Phoenix was a humanshifter. Animals of a magical bent in her world could take a human form. Bucky hadn't thought about it until now but he had this suspicion Phoenix was the only one of her kind able to do it.
Sighing and placing the photo back under the couch, Bucky laid back on the floor and looked at the ceiling. In the six months since she left, he tried his damnedest to avoid calling for her. She had a life to live in her own world. He couldn't keep hefting his burden onto her back, no matter what she said about not minding the weight. Phoenix had left with a promise that she would come back if he needed her. Bucky needed her now but he resisted the urge to say her name aloud. Doing so, he felt, would shift her Road back this way and that was dangerous. He and the chimera always crossed paths out in nature, never in a city. She even refused to follow him to Bucharest when they met in Romania. Arriving in a city would be overwhelming.
Bucky was so tied up in his thoughts that he startled badly when a soft knock sounded on his door. Falling into old habits, the former Winter Soldier slowly and quietly shifted to his feet. The knock sounded again. Closing the distance to the door, he leaned his ear close to it. That's when someone spoke. "Bucky, the longer you keep me waiting, the more nervous I get," came the last voice he expected to hear. Throwing caution to the wind, the man wrenched the door open and stared at his unexpected visitor.
Phoenix stood, in her human form, before him. She was looking up at him, a little surprised at how different he looked since last they met. Tearing his eyes from hers, Bucky looked down the hall to notice someone watching her a little too closely. Sending a glare at the stranger, Bucky's bionic hand reached out and took her by the arm. Quickly but smoothly pulling her past him into his apartment, the old soldier quickly closed the door and locked it. He didn't turn around right away. In fact, he was starting to panic thinking he had unwittingly called her here. Looking over his shoulder to see Phoenix with her back to him and looking around at his apartment, he swallowed.
"What are you doing here? How did you find me?" Phoenix heard Bucky ask behind her. His voice had the faintest shake to it that most humans wouldn't pick up on. She turned to face him. "The Road saw fit to come this way again and our connection allowed it to drop me right at your door. I decided to see how my human friend was doing," she replied. The human moved away from the door, slowly. "You seem anxious. What's wrong?" she asked. Bucky looked away. "I didn't mean to call you here. You need to go back," he said. Phoenix tilted her head before closing the distance and raising a hand to his face. Turning his eyes to meet hers, she cocked an eyebrow. "No one called me here, Bucky. Certainly not you. I decided that it was time I came to check on you and even then, I go where I wish," she said.
Instinctively pulling her hand from his face and flinching as if he was burned, Bucky walked past her to the window. Phoenix turned to watch him, a bit confused as to his behavior. Had something happened after she left six months ago? Or was he stumbling in his efforts to move forward? Either way, he didn't seem open to talk while she was in her false form. Wasn't terribly surprising. He had only seen her as a woman once before, six months ago before she left. She figured he was more comfortable with her true form. Looking around and deciding he had enough space for her to shift back, Phoenix did just that. She stomped a hoof to get his attention. "Get out of your head, Bucky, and look at me," she said sternly. The man jumped when he saw her reflection and he spun on his heel. That's when the tension broke and he started to laugh a little at the absurdity of the fact he had a horned horse in his apartment.
"That's more like it," Phoenix said with a smile. Bucky thought back to their last conversation before she disappeared. She had said that their goodbye back then wasn't the end if they didn't want it to be. He hadn't wanted it to be and clearly, she didn't either. He had wanted her to come back someday, despite his misgivings. Running a hand down his face, Bucky looked her over. She fit in his living room, barely. It was big enough for his own purposes but she was at least 16 hands high. She had to have her tail full-masted to avoid hitting anything behind her. Running his hand through his short hair, Bucky just shook his head.
"You can shift back if you want. It's a bit tight in here," he said, sheepishly. A soft glow of the horns and it was done. She reached out and set a hand on his arm. "It's good to see you again, Bucky," she said. The man just snorted a bit before sitting back down against his couch. Phoenix followed suit and sat in front of him, taking him in. "You cut your hair," she noted. "And you haven't changed a bit," he responded. She just grinned and shrugged. She hadn't changed at all since she came of age in 1889. Then her face sobered up. "Your nightmares haven't stopped, have they?" she asked. It was a statement phrased as a question. He couldn't hide how haunted his eyes looked to her.
Unlike with his therapist, Bucky couldn't bring himself to lie to her. "No," he admitted. Phoenix leaned in and pressed a hand to his forehead, closing her violet eyes. The old soldier just stared at her face, wondering what she was up to. Her forehead started to glow, a faint outline of her horns appearing. Bucky felt a sense of peace starting to settle but he rebelled against it. "Don't," he said, catching her wrist with his bionic hand. Jumping a bit, Phoenix looked into his blue-grey eyes. "I'm trying to help you, Bucky. You're exhausted, running yourself ragged doing Weaver-knows-what," she said, her fingers curling. If she wanted to pull away, Bucky knew she was more than capable. Her strength didn't scale with her body.
"You've helped me enough, Phoenix. I can't ask you to take on more of my burden than you already have. I can't do that to you," he stated. Phoenix sat back, still not pulling her wrist from his hand. The fact she wasn't was a bit out of character for her. She wasn't a fan of being touched and his grip wasn't tight either. "Bucky...I've been making a living out of helping my kind for about six years. I carry more weight than you realize. Yours is a light burden. Unless something's changed in the past few months since we last spoke, you're not suicidal the way some of my kind is when they first arrive in the Crater. And you're my friend. I want to help because you shouldn't have to carry this alone," she said. "And what about you, huh? Your own burden? Your own pain both from your past and from what I've done to you? How can you ask me to add to that? Why do you care so much about me?" he snapped.
Phoenix went still, just staring at him. Her eyes were unreadable. Bucky felt his face burn but he kept eye contact. "Listen to me carefully. The heaviest burden I have to carry is the knowledge that I will die long before Seiryu does. The weight of knowing that he will never know Death until our world comes to an end breaks my heart more than you can possibly imagine. The fact knowing my end will destroy him...kills me. I told you dragons either feel very strongly or not at all and nothing compares to being bound to a near-immortal. I told you before that I choose to believe you haven't done anything to me. It was all the Winter Soldier. You pulled the trigger, yes, but he was the one who shot me. I care about you, Bucky, because you and I are bonded now," she said, levelly. Bucky's soulful eyes just bored into hers and it took everything in her to not look away.
"I'm not downplaying your trauma, my friend, but you have to understand that my empathy is almost too strong for my own good. The most I can do for my pair-bond is be his support for however long I was given by the Weaver. Helping my kind is what I choose to do with my life. It's how I heal myself from my own trauma of living in a world that hates me simply for being. I still have periods where I feel worthless. By this point, I've pretty much adopted you into my own species, despite you being a human," she finished. Bucky reached out with the other hand and hooked her head. He pulled her to his chest, encasing her in his arms. Phoenix stiffened a bit but she forced herself to relax. She focused on the fact this was Bucky, he was a friend, and he had earned enough of her trust to allow this. "I don't want to break you," he said, holding her tightly as if she were a rock in a churning sea. "You won't. If I were that fragile, I would've ceased existing long ago and we'd have never crossed paths," she said.
Bucky was quiet for a moment, ruminating on what she said. It wasn't just the 2014 mission. It was every damn time they met. He figured she was fixated on the 2014 mission because it had been the only time he actively caused her harm. He had shot her tail off, wrangled her to the ground, and held her at gunpoint. Getting Snapped out of existence was easily the most traumatic for her but she still didn't count that as active harm. She would be right in that case at least. Thanos had destroyed so many lives and that included Phoenix. Still, he wasn't about to let her burden herself further with his issues. He appreciated her efforts but it would do nothing for his guilt.
He was a 106-year-old man who had been frozen and thawed out more times than he could count, had a lot of blood on his hands, and thrown into a world that moved on without him. And that wasn't counting the five years he was gone. She was a 154-year-old creature shouldering the weight of a low-key existential crisis like many of her kind. She had enough on her plate to worry about. Phoenix shifted a bit, hands to his chest, but he didn't let go. "I don't know what you're thinking about but do me a favor," she said. "What?" he asked. "Don't start treating me like I'm weak or made of glass. There's no greater dishonor to a chimera who managed to survive to adulthood relatively stable. It undermines all my efforts to keep going. My fortitude has kept me alive for a century and a half. I've been under a curse, I've had my soul separated from my body, watched you vanish into dust, had so many chances to either off myself or be offed by either humans or predators, but I'm still here. I'm stronger than you give me credit for," she said.
She wriggled out of his grip, her tolerance getting worn. Bucky considered her for a moment before sighing and running his hands through his hair again. "I'm sorry," he said, his apology meant for overtaxing her comfort and for implying she was weak. To the matter at hand, the chimera was nothing if not stubborn so he had to find a middle ground with her. Despite her words, he couldn't deal with the idea that he was taking advantage of her. "Look, Phoenix, if you really want to help me, you have to let me carry this thing alone. You're not always around to do it and in the end, my past is something I have to deal with. I do appreciate your desire to support me. I just need it in another way," he explained.
Phoenix mulled over his words and slowly nodded. "Fair enough. So...tell me. What do you need me to do?" she asked. Bucky swallowed for a moment, his eyes drifting to the window out of habit. "Can you stay? All I really need right now is a friend," he said. The humanshifted chimera thought about it. The Road wasn't exerting any influence currently but she didn't have to heed the Road's call when it did. It was finicky that way. She could stay indefinitely if she wished and still return home with no time having passed. "I'll stay. In return, don't lecture me about going home in the off-chance something suddenly goes sideways. I've been in battles before, I know my limits and my way around my tail, and you know it. I'm not going to leave you high and dry. Deal?" she asked. "Deal," Bucky agreed. "I might also bounce out of this world entirely for short bursts. I'm trying to lessen the impact I have here," she warned him. "Whatever you have to do," Bucky responded.
He watched as she moved back to sit against the opposite wall. "Phoenix," he said. "Yes?" she responded. "I'm happy you're back. And I'm sorry I overstepped. I know you have a thing about being touched," he said. The chimera just smiled before shifting back to her true form, lying down where she was. "It's okay, Bucky. I could tell you needed grounding a bit. And I'm sorry, too. I suppose I was overstepping as well. I didn't consider that I was perhaps a little heavy-hoofed in my wish to help you. From here on out, you let me know what you need from me and I'll do my best to comply," she said, laying her horned head down. "For now, your company is all I need for as long as you can give me," Bucky assured her. Smiling, Phoenix's violet eyes closed and her breathing eventually evened out to indicate sleep.
Bucky shifted his blankets around so he was lying longways along the wall so he could keep looking at the strange creature occupying the apartment with him. Her tail was in rest position this time, stretching out under his table. Forelegs were folded neatly under her, hindlegs stretched out a little. Her head was leaning against one of her curled horns. Bucky had to wonder how comfortable that actually was. He chuckled again at the overall absurdity of the fact that he had a huge animal in his home. Good thing he didn't get visitors. Imagine how awkward it would be for someone to walk in and see what was basically a horse in some rando's apartment in the middle of New York City. She was completely out of place.
The light outside in the Big Apple came in through the gaps in the curtains and made the scales and fur it hit shimmer. Bucky felt his eyes grow heavy and his last thoughts were twofold. One side hoped she didn't subconsciously draw on his nightmares. While waiting for Bruce Banner to finish building a new time portal, Steve told Bucky everything he had been told by Phoenix when they met after the Snap. Apparently, Phoenix taking on his nightmares in Romania took a physical toll, leading to her hemorrhaging a little. Bucky had never been the wiser of the incident because she had done similar in Wakanda with no ill effects he was aware of.
The same thing happened again after he was dusted but far worse. Phoenix had been in legitimate danger of dying that time and she was saved thanks to a Wakandan scientist. According to Steve, the hemorrhaging had more to do with the fact she was overwhelmed by the Outriders' swarm mentality than it had to do with losing him. The spell her pair-bond had cast on her to protect her had kicked in and didn't stop burning until it was over. Steve still figured losing Bucky the way she did exacerbated her already poor condition post-battle. That had been the thing that led her to claim him as a friend. He didn't want that happening to her again. His other thought was hoping that he'd be able to return the favor of helping her as thanks for being there for him. He owed her a huge debt. There had to be something he could do for her.
A couple of hours later, violet eyes slowly opened and Phoenix slowly lifted her head. Bucky was fast asleep but his face was tense. The chimera shifted into her human form and brought herself to her hands and knees. Crawling over, she watched him for a moment before deciding to see what was up. She did promise to not take on his burden but she never said anything about being left in the dark. In previous times when she had drawn Bucky's nightmares to her, he didn't experience them but she did. This time, she decided to see if she could make it a two-way street. She'd see what he saw but not take them away.
Slowly and carefully setting her hand on Bucky's temple, Phoenix closed her eyes and opened a route. He was dreaming about his past missions as the Winter Soldier. Once more, she saw him chasing her. Again, she watched herself crash. Other missions made themselves known to her until she reached one that took the greatest toll on him. In it, she saw him engaging with other men before killing his target. Then she saw him set his sights on a witness. The Soldier shot him. Bucky's emotions were running extremely high and Phoenix found herself ensnared by them. They threatened to drag her into the abyss after him. With a massive effort, the chimera pulled herself out and she gasped as she came back to herself.
She warily watched Bucky, thinking he would awake and know what she had done. Fortunately, he was still dead to the world and his face was calmer. Phoenix had unwittingly passed some of her own calm to him but not enough for him to think anything was amiss when he woke up. Scooching back to her wall, the woman retook her true form and settled back into place. The residual effect of his emotional state was still coursing in Phoenix's mind and she couldn't help herself. She silently went back to sleep as tears began to run.