Louisiana

Phoenix woke up one morning and as she stretched out, she felt a strange snapping sensation in her head. Then she felt the flow of magic and she knew then that the spell had broken. She could now shift between forms and access the Road. She shifted out of bed and shuffled downstairs to find Sarah sitting at the table eating with her sons. They looked up when they noticed and Sarah stood up to come to her. "Anything wrong?" she asked. Phoenix swallowed a moment. "The spell is broken," she responded in a small voice. Her hostess nodded slowly. "Okay. Let's sit down and talk," she suggested before turning to her boys and telling them to finish breakfast and get ready for school. She and Phoenix went out to the living room and sat on the couch.

"Bucky called," Sarah said by way of preamble. She saw Phoenix's body stiffen just a little bit. "He said he wants you to come home so you can talk things out whenever the spell broke," she finished. Phoenix looked down at her hands, her ring catching her eye. She was forever grateful the alligator got it back for her but it felt like a huge weight on her hand. "I…I don't know if I want to," she said finally. Sarah just nodded before taking her hand and patting it. "He had a feeling you'd say that. He wanted me to tell you that it's completely up to you in the end. You can either meet up with him in New York or you can go home to All World. He just doesn't want you to leave things as they are right now. So even if you decide to go back to your homeworld, he wants to get some closure on things. But what will be will be," she assured her.

Phoenix looked at her, violet eyes revealing how lost she was feeling. Sarah just smiled before giving her hand a squeeze. "It's going to be weird giving advice to someone much older than me but in my opinion, you have nothing to lose by talking to him. Bucky just needed some time to figure things out and he left you here because you would be able to heal. I know it was hard, Phoenix. I'm not trying to downplay the hurt you felt when he left but in the long run, it was best for both of you. Just take some time to think about it," she suggested. Phoenix looked out the window for a moment. "I'll talk to him. Going home without doing that…seems cowardly. And I won't be remembered as a coward," she said, her voice having an edge of determination. Tired but determined. Sarah took her hand and the two stood up. "Are you going now?" she asked. "I should. Less time for me to chicken out. Can you...can you see me off?" Phoenix asked. Sarah just smiled and called the boys to come say goodbye.

The Wilsons followed the shifter off and stood back as she tapped into her magic for the first time in two months. In a flash, an equine stood before them. The first thing Sarah noticed was the plate scales on her back. Before the incident, her scales were uniform in shape and color. Now, though? They were discolored down the center where her spine lay underneath and they were warped. Phoenix looked over her shoulder at them and her face dropped in resignation. "I suppose this is my just reward for being so foolish," she sighed. "Will those ever get fixed?" AJ asked. Phoenix turned around to face them, raising and lowering her tail to refamiliarize herself with it. "I'm afraid not. The warping and discoloration follow the scar I have on my human form. It will never fully heal," she explained.

"You're still pretty, Nix," Cass assured her. The chimera just smiled and let the Wilsons give her pats. "Thank you for all your help," she said when they backed away. "You got this, girl. You're tough. Everything will be okay," Sarah said. Phoenix bobbed her head and turned away. She vanished into thin air and Sarah pulled out her phone. "It's Sarah. She's coming your way now. Good luck," she said simply before being thanked. She then hung up. The bus for the boys arrived and she hurried them along.

New York City

Phoenix stepped out of the Road into the hallway in Bucky's apartment complex. She had taken a detour to Central Park so she could shift into human form before making the last jump. She stared at Bucky's door, her heart racing. A sudden bout of intense chill caused her joints to nearly lock up and send her to her knees. This was the worst attack she had had since things went down. Her scar ached something fierce as well. "Let's get this over with…," she thought. She knocked on the door, her heart beating loudly in her ears. She picked up the sound of footsteps coming to the door and broke out into a slight sweat. The door opened and she looked up into the face of the man she loved. Phoenix felt her breath catch a little. Bucky had a full beard now and his hair was a bit…floofier than she remembered. She swallowed, unsure what to say.

Bucky looked at the woman at this door. Phoenix looked thin like she hadn't been eating well. Concern swelled in him but at the same time, she had been seriously wounded. That would do a number on anyone. She looked anxious and in some discomfort. "Welcome home, Nix," he said, holding out a hand to her. Phoenix looked at his hand, looking unsure. She slowly took it and Bucky noticed she was shaking a little. He closed the door behind her and gave her some space. "You doing okay?" Bucky asked, wanting to put her at ease. Phoenix was acting skittish and that concerned him more than the elephant in the room. "No. Not really, no," she replied. The White Wolf smiled as he looked down. "Let's get the difficult part of the way. I'm not mad at you anymore, Nix. I know who gave you the idea to try form expulsion. Rest assured I socked him in the face on your behalf. I'm just happy you're okay now," he said.

Phoenix met his eyes, unsure. "But…," she prompted, knowing he had more to say. Bucky went to sit on his couch and she followed, standing in front of him. "Well, I'm a little sore that you chose to believe John Walker over me," he said, leaning back. The shifter's eyes went to the floor. "I'm sorry. I don't…know what more to say," she admitted. Bucky leaned forward to take her hands. "I've been thinking a lot while you've been gone. I want to approach this another way. Mind giving me some context?" he asked. Phoenix looked at him curiously and nodded slowly. "Form expulsion. Was that for you or for me?" Bucky inquired. Phoenix looked unsure. "I don't know anymore. All I do know is that I wanted to be what you need me to be," she responded.

"Fair enough. Was this because I admitted that I wish we could make love?" Bucky then asked. At her nod, he kissed the back of her hands. "Let's take me out of the equation. Let's ask about you. Is that something you actually want? You told me that it would hurt you too much but you went through an attempt to change that for my sake. I want to know if that's something you want. Would the pain be worth it? Would losing the fundamental parts of yourself be worth it? You're a chimera, Nix. Could you live without the advantages of being what you are?" he probed. Phoenix paused. She hadn't really thought about it, to be honest. Walker had managed to completely warp her entire way of thinking so that she never gave a thought to herself, only for Bucky and his needs. But what about hers? Were his needs enough to outweigh her own shortcomings? Were they worth the agony? Part of her thought so but then she thought about the actual question Bucky had asked. He wanted to make love but…did she?

Phoenix found the answer right then. She actually didn't. Bucky never said she owed him that and honestly, no one was owed that. No one should ever feel coerced into something they themselves didn't actually want. Phoenix didn't want to take that step because of the pain involved. Walker had her convinced that was the only way Bucky was going to keep her at his side. But being true to herself meant that she couldn't go through something life-altering because she was incapable of it. Her mood took a nosedive as she realized that her shame was now a permanent mark on her back. "Well, Nix?" Bucky prompted.

To no one's surprise. Bucky watched as her face twisted in both sadness and anxiety. "I don't want it…," she choked out. "Then we can put that to rest. You don't want it and I would sooner die than force it. You are valid," Bucky said matter-of-factly. "But Walker had a point! I can't…how the blazes do the humans say it…I can't 'put out'! How long will it take before you throw me away!?" Phoenix protested, her frustration boiling over and her tears cascading down her face. Her hands, still in his, gripped them tightly. Bucky got to his feet and she took a step back out of fear. Only his hands kept her from getting too far away. "If I ever toss you aside over a reason like that, Nix, then I never deserved you in the first place. If that day ever comes, I will make sure Seiryu kills me. Walker reduced our relationship to what we can and cannot do when what we have is so much more than that. I refuse to let him dictate our life together any further. I love you, Nix," he said, his conviction strong.

Phoenix stared at him as if she was seeing him for the first time. Even her tears stopped. Bucky slowly reached up to set his flesh hand on her face. "You are valid, understand? Walker tried to make this about what we can't do. But what we have is enough," he said. The shifter watched as a dark shadow passed over his face. "Let me get something off my chest, Nix. I haven't had consensual sex in decades. But when I was with HYDRA…I wasn't just an assassin to them. I was…used. That's why I'm adamant that we don't do anything we know will be nothing but pain for you because of your limitations. I can't see us making love as anything other than a rape. Why should I have pleasure when it won't be the same experience for you? I can't do that to you. But you know, I just want you as you are. Just the you that I see right before me," he explained.

Phoenix had no idea. The two had an unspoken agreement that Bucky's decades as the Winter Soldier weren't something to talk about if unnecessary. She never considered the idea they used him that way. And she tried to force the issue by expelling her true self from her just so they could. Her shame came down harder on her head and her eyes flooded. "I'm so sorry," she choked out before breaking down. She felt Bucky's arms move to take her and after some involuntary flinching, she let him envelop her. His scent washed over her senses. Her fingers closed on his shirt and he held her tightly. After a couple of minutes, Phoenix pushed against his chest to meet his eyes. "Walker wasn't the only reason I tried. I meant it when I said I don't want a life after you," she said, rubbing her eyes and her voice cracking.

Bucky stayed quiet, holding her arms as she gripped his elbows. "I don't know if you really understand the gravity of the fact that I won't grow old with you. I tried to separate my aspects so I could age at the same rate…," Phoenix trailed off as her voice failed. The White Wolf could understand. He had made peace with that a long time ago and he wasn't worried about that at all. But he never guessed it was bothering Phoenix enough to compound what Walker had pulled. He gently coaxed her to sit down on the couch, keeping her hands in his. As usual, Phoenix took hold of his vibranium hand to play with his fingers.

"What do you want, Nix? Do we try again? Or is this too much?" Bucky asked, a soft smile on his face. Phoenix met his gaze as she swallowed the lump in her throat. A couple tears slid down her cheeks. "I don't…want to leave. But how do I know you really want me to stay?" she asked in return. Bucky placed his flesh hand to her head and leaned his forehead to hers. "Just as you don't want a life after me, I don't want a life after you either. I don't want you to leave me, Nix, but I also don't want to trap you in something if you don't think this is something you can come back from. I know the truth now and I want to try again. I don't want Walker to win. Because in the end, if this ends, we'll both have to accept that he won. I know I'm going to age faster and die sooner if things go well. I'm okay with that and I know that you're strong enough to bear that truth as well. And Seiryu will still be there to support you. Both of you have something I don't. That's life experience. I was twenty-six when I fell. I spent the next seventy years either frozen or working missions for HYDRA," he said.

Bucky leaned back to kiss her forehead. "You don't need to give me an answer right now. You have all the time in the world to think about what you want," he assured her. Phoenix was calming down a bit and she nodded, taking a shuddering breath. Bucky tilted her eyes to meet his. "Can I…can I see it?" he asked. Phoenix knew he was referring to her back. She just turned around. Bucky set his hands on her shoulders and slowly pulled the straps off before pushing her shirt down. Brushing her hair off, Bucky took in the carnage. The scar was more extensive than he imagined but at the same time, it was expected. "Looks terrible…doesn't it?" Phoenix commented in a resigned tone. "I won't lie. It looks rough. But as far as I'm concerned, you're still beautiful to me, Nix. This changes nothing," Bucky responded.

Phoenix felt lips on her shoulder blade close to the scar. A hand to her chin turned her to meet his eyes. Bucky's eyes fell to her lips. "Nix…," he said, leaning in. The shifter only half-heartedly resisted and that resistance was more from her primal side than her rational side. The primal side was wary of a human being close enough to harm her while the rational side recognized the human in question as trustworthy. Bucky's lips gingerly touched hers and she flinched a tiny bit by reflex. But as he went deeper, she fell into it as if it were the first time. She was unsure and out of practice. Bucky could tell the extent of her trauma just from that kiss. He pulled back and broke it, meeting her eyes and ignoring the fact she was exposed from the waist up. She slowly tugged at his shirt, wordless telling him to take his off.

Bucky obliged and her eyes went to the hardware that anchored his arm to the rest of him. Bucky had old scarring surrounding the anchor and she had imagined that when his silver HYDRA arm was installed, whatever part of Bucky that had survived had tried tearing it off. Compared to the mangled mess that was her back, his scarring was tame. Even before then, the scars weren't anything terrible. But true to her nature, Phoenix didn't care about how her scar looked or how others would see it. It was just the manifestation of her shame. Her eyes went dull and Bucky slowly took her into his arms. Part of him relished the feel of her skin on his after so long but he just wanted to be there for her while she continued to recover. Phoenix wrapped her arms around his neck and they tightened a bit as she started crying again. The White Wolf held her to him before maneuvering them on the couch so she was under him. He rested his full weight on her and just let her cry it out.

Phoenix was afraid of the future. She didn't know if she could overcome the guilt of everything she had put Bucky and herself through. Her trust was shattered, thanks to Walker, and the trauma of everything that went down ate at her as it had since that day. She had sunk low and she was grateful that Bucky was giving her time. She also felt how comforting his weight was and how it helped keep her grounded. Deep down, Phoenix knew she had to reclaim the part of her that she had attempted to eject. She had to reclaim her contentment in being what she was. She just needed time and support. Bucky was willing to provide both. She didn't deserve his kindness but there was no talking him out of something once he made his mind up. It was plain to Phoenix that he still wanted her. That he still needed her in his life as surely as he needed air.

After a bit, Bucky felt Phoenix was calming down and he lifted himself up a little to look at her. She cleared her eyes and she was looking beaten down. Her exhaustion was evident. Forgoing any words, Bucky got off her and helped her up to her feet. He then picked her up and carried her to his bedroom. Her face rested in the crook of his neck and she actually yawned. Bucky sat her on the bed and removed her sandals. Her jeans shifted into lighter pants as he helped her lie back. Sitting on the edge of the bed, Bucky just ran his fingers through her hair until she dropped off to sleep. Her face still had a shadow of defeat on it but at least she was calm now. Bucky stood up and went around to his side of the bed. He lay down as well and turned on his side, keeping a little space between them so she didn't wake up feeling smothered but still close enough so that she didn't feel isolated.

"We'll be okay, Nix. I have to believe that,"