A/N: Warning!

This chapter gets a bit...intense towards the end.

EDIT: BEGONE FLAMERS! THE POWER OF PRINT COMPELS YOU! THE POWER OF PRINT COMPELS YOU!

DISCLAIMER: Yes, yes, I'm aware that Coeur Al'Aran did something similar, and frankly, far better than I ever could. Service with a Smile blows anything I ever did right out of the water, including this. His stories are a bloody addiction of mine, and one I've only recently discovered. Currently reading Professor Arc.

Bit of worldbuilding here, hope you like it.

As ever, reviews keep me writing. If folks don't review, I tend to think folks dislike a story.

I hate to say it, but that's the truth, just a simple statement. Any and all feedback really helps me out.

Its funny, I didn't think folks would be terribly keen on this, but it appears that I've been proven wrong. Just everyone's going to show up at Baker's Dozen, from the most influential characters, right down to the background characters. Sometime the heroes and villains will but heads; at other times they'll juuuuuust miss one another. Naruto's not interested in fighting these days, but if someone tries to start something? He's happy to end it. With cake. Lots of cake.

As ever, I own no references or material. Nor do I get paid to do this.

Nothing. Not a cent. Not a penny. No commissions at all. Zilch.

Now I'm off to get tested for that bloody nasty virus.

DOUBLE EDIT: Test is done, now I'll try to sleep.

Looking forward to your reviews~!

"Why did I think this was a good idea again?"

"Because you're a softhearted fool?"

"Ugh. Raven, I will end you."

"Promises, promises...

~Baker and a Bird.

Ride the Lightning

If Naruto's first day had been goodness and purity personified...

"By the gods, you actually did it, you softhearted fool."

...then his fifth was fear incarnate.

Not that she embodied terror per se; on the contrary, given what he knew of her, Raven Branwen could easily be counted amongst the most cowardly warriors in all of Remnant. She was also one of the strongest. And something of an old friend. Those three attributes made for a rather volatile combination. He knew it was her the moment someone opened a scarlet portal in the middle of his bakery and strutted right through; the act of which had everyone else fleeing like a flock of startled Nevermore. And didn't that just make his mouth twitch?

...those were paying customers."

A bundle of -stolen!- lien smacked him in the face.

Her arms spread wide, armor clanking softly. "Happy now-mmph?!

A sugar cookie sailed across the room like a shuriken to plug her mouth before she could continued. Raven blinked. Looked down. Frowned. Scowled. Naruto awaited the inevitable explosion, the flurry of sword strikes or worse, but it never came. Instead as he looked on she raised one hand to her mouth, pushed the rest of the confectionery between her teeth and devoured it. He didn't fail to notice that the other had fallen to the hilt of her sword and had yet to move. Oh, no. No no no. He wasn't having any of her petulant little fits today. Not in his house!

Red eyes roved about his humble establishment, assessing its worth before she finally stepped forward.

"Weapons on the rack." he stabbed a finger to the wall, stopping her cold. "Or out you go."

Raven stomped a booted foot, eyes alight. "You know I can't kill you. Even now."

"Doesn't matter. Rack. Weapons. Now."

She almost looked cute. "Fine!"

For the merest moments as she complied, Naruto actually entertained the idea of kicking her out solely for spite's sake; just to deny the blackette her oh-so-precious fix and see what would happen. Would she sulk, or fly into a fit of rage? No, that wouldn't work. When Raven wanted something, she wanted something. She'd try to take it from you too, if you weren't strong enough. Say what you would about her past, but Qrow's sister held a flair for the dramatic. She always had, even in their youth. He wasn't sure why he expected anything less from her now. She certainly walked around like she owned the damn place.

Even turned the damn sign around, flipping it to CLOSED.

If she scuffed his floor with that stool, he'd be taking it out of her ass.

"What's the occasion?" he already knew the answer by her face as she laid her arms on the counter.

"Can't I check in on an old friend?" her voice was a silken purr, one he didn't trust for a minute. Not a second.

"You can," Naruto allowed as a small, silent Rasengan began to form in the hand hidden behind his back, "But its been years."

"Has it?" She tilted her head and her eyes burned again. "All the more reason, then. Think of it as a way to celebrate the coming Spring."

If that was Raven's way of telling him she was the new Spring Maiden, she wasn't being subtle about it. Then again, he'd known the moment she'd walked it. You couldn't hide a power like that; not from him. He could see it in her soul a bright red flame burning bright red in her chest. It had to be the Spring; couldn't be anyone else. The Fall Maiden was even now wandering the world under an assumed name; her destination unbeknownst to all save a scarce few. All the while, their enemies assumed -thanks to a clever decoy- that she was still somewhere in Beacon. Last his spies had reported, Amber was safe in Vacuo. Exactly where she should be.

Atlas still had the Winder Maiden, now an old woman, under lock and key.

Vacuo...no. Just now. Nobody much cared about that wasteland these days; because known knew they held the Summer Maiden, strongest and fiercest of the bunch. Raven would have been a fool to pick a fight with that monster. And if that thing was mentoring Amber? Not a chance in hell. One Maiden alone was bothersome enough. Two Maidens? Together? Fully realized? Nope. Just nope. You'd need an army to even have a sliver of a chance at those two. Raven was many things, but she wasn't suicidal. And she only had her tribe; those miscreants were no army.

Which left Spring, and an ugly question.

"You killed that girl, didn't you?" he asked. "The one who ran away from Haven."

"I didn't want to." Raven's lips formed a thin line of displeasure as she glowered at him. "But she was weak. I had no choice."

Naruto exhaled and let the Rasengan wither away in his palm. Sometimes he wondered what he'd ever seen in this woman. He'd always had a thing for dark-haired girls. She'd been better once. Better than this. Before all her fear turned her world bitter and cold. He wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake her; it made him blow out an angry breath, still keenly aware of those rueful red eyes following his every move. Blasted woman, driving away his customers. Not a single soul had dared to enter since she'd turned the sign around. Something told him she wouldn't take kindly to any such attempt on his part.

Still, he had to try.

"There's always a choice, Raven."

Hooded red eyes regarded him coldly. "You're one to talk."

Naruto felt a spark of something in that instant; an emotion he hadn't experienced in quite some time. Anger. He tamped it down quickly before it could light a flame in his heart. Breathe. He was done letting her goad his hand into action. If she'd come here picking a fight, she wouldn't get it. Still, those words had stung just now.

"Why did I think this was a good idea again?" he grumbled.

"Because you're a softhearted fool?" she smirked.

"Ugh. Raven, I will end you."

"Promises, promises...

"Well." Something ugly reared its head in his heart and he snapped at her. "At least I didn't run away."

"Why you...?!" Raven flinched, actually flinched; but her eyes blazed even hotter. He could see their flames now.

"Like it or not, I know you." when she tried to stand up Naruto chose that moment to act; he seized her shoulders and forced her back into her seat. "You wouldn't come all this way just to brag about being a Maiden." She twisted away and he angled his head to follow her. "You want something. I don't know what it is, but it must be pretty big for you to pop in on an old friend. Now tell me what before I toss you out on your ass."

He didn't expect her to hang her head. Just like that? Had she given up so easily?

Her hair shielded those beautiful scarlet slits, hiding them from view.

...ake." the words were so soft he almost missed them.

Naruto leaned closer. "I didn't catch that-

"I CAME FOR CAKE, DAMN YOU!"

Her head snapped back up with such force that her hair actually smacked Naruto in the face and caused him to jerk back, not with shock, but a laugh. It was her expression that sold it; her cheeks burned a hot pink as she wriggled in place, saffron red eyes gone damp from equal parts shame embarrassment. He started laughing, going from dead silence to full-throated raucous laughter in an instant so suddenly that her face turned scarlet. He'd never forget the sight of her squirming in her seat; watching her squeezed her knees together, it was such a girlish expression that he nearly whipped out his Scroll to take a picture. Bah, he had security cameras for that!

But this moment?

Priceless. Utterly beyond compare. Naruto swore he would never forget it.

"Cake?" he guffawed, wiping a mirthful tear from his eye. "You came all this way for one of my cakes?"

"You absolute bastard!" That set Raven right off; because she turned into a bird and launched herself at him. It was something she'd only ever done when she was absolutely furious with him; looking back, he wasn't sure why she did it at all. Wouldn't it have been better to use her newfound powers or simply throw a punch? What was she thinking? Regardless, it was his victory.

To her credit, Raven managed to bloody his face with her beak before he got ahold of her. From there? Her attack was doomed to fail.

"Gotcha!"

Strong fingers clamped down gently but firmly on her smaller form, holding her fast. She squawked and squirmed, to no avail; his iron grip kept her from changing back. Nipping at his hands did her no good; for every inch of flesh she took, he simply healed. In the end she was left with no other recourse but to glare at him. Yikes. If looks could kill, he'd be a pile of ashes right now. Hard to believe something so small could be this vicious.

"You done?" he asked.

Raven arched her neck, ruffled her feathers, and shot a nasty caw at him.

"Now that's just rude." the immortal wrinkled his nose. "Are you going to behave? Or do I have to put you in a cage for the rest of the afternoon?"

The bird's head bobbed in defeat.

"Good girl."

The moment he let go, Raven reverted instantly; her face still pink, eyes teary from embarrassment. "Gods, I hate you...

"Yeah, yeah, love you too." he sighed ruefully, turning his back on her. "You want dark chocolate cake right? I made a cake like that the other day. I'll see if there's any left over."

He didn't see her stiffen.

She actually favored him with a smile when he returned. It reminded him of happier times. Perhaps she was smiling for the cake. Naruto laid it before her and looked away cleaning a glass as Raven dug into her afternoon desert with singular determination. He even deigned to pour her a glass of milk. Who would have someone so intense would enjoy chocolate?

"So." he began, for lack of anything better to say, "How's life treating you these days?"

"Well enough." she replied evasively around bites. "I still can't believe you did something like this."

"Couldn't be a Hunter forever, you know? Killing Grimm's all well and good, but sometimes you need to kick back and enjoy the simpler things in life." a thought prodded him and he ran with it, leaning forward. "Say, while you're here you should pay Yang a visit." he frowned when she asked for another slice, pulling out a fresh platter for the hungry huntress to devour. "She's a huntress now, you know. Come to think of it, she'll probably be coming by any day."

"No." Raven's response was immediate and expected..

Naruto blew out another angry breath. "Raven."

"I said no. She's your daughter. Not mine."

Naruto nearly dropped his two trays.

"Again with that nonsense?"

Raven...hmm. How did he put this delicately? She reminded him of Sasuke, in a sense. Granted, she was far less broody and didn't have a clan to avange, nor did she want to kill her brother but the resemblance was sill there. She had a tendency to sulk when called out on her bullshit, to bottle up her emotions and seethe silently for months until she exploded. She liked to think herself clever. Manipulative. Whereas he had made peace with his old friend long ago, his relationship with Raven -and didn't he hesitate to call it that- was contentious at the best of times. They'd butted heads before in the past. They'd had something once upon a time; once, back when he had been a different man. A lifetime ago, he might have believed her.

"She doesn't look a thing like me." now he batted her words aside with practiced ease born of experience. "Nice try. She's Tai's little girl, through and through, and that's the way she'll stay."

If he even allowed himself to consider otherwise...nope. Not going there.

"She has your eyes and temper. And your strength." the bandit leader's mouth curled in a wry smile, pleased to find herself on firm ground once more. "Enough to tear a giant Nevermore in half. She didn't get those genes from me or Tai, Naruto. She's strong."

Urk.

"Hmm? Nevermore, you say?" He refused to rise to the bait. "Been watching her, have you?"

"Pfft! What?" Raven choked on her cake. "N-No! I never said that!"

Naruto's grin resembled that of a shark. Point for him.

"You didn't have to." when he went to pour her another glass and fetch her a plate of chocolate cookies, she immediately slapped down more burgled lien in payment. He wouldn't have charged her, but if she was going to monopolize his resources and time, he had no compunctions about fleecing her for every bit of cash she had on her person. She'd only steal more when she got back to Mistral. And he'd let her, too. You couldn't lock up a Maiden. She'd just break out. If there was one thing that Raven respected one thing in this world it was strength; only three people in this world held enough of that to make her obey.

"Would've, should've, could've." he shrugged, at a loss. "I wouldn't make a very good father, trust me."

"Then trust that I wouldn't be a good mother." Her red eyes bored into him.

"You could try." Spirits, why was she making this so damned hard?

"Its a little too late for that, don't you think?" she sighed.

Blast it all. They were both adults. Why were they dancing around this like a bunch of hormonal teenagers? What they'd had was long gone. Dead and parried. A chance encounter in the night. It should be. They were two different people now, leading different lives. Yet when he looked at her, Naruto just couldn't bring himself to let go of it. She looked...tired. Not old, just hollow. As if someone had reached deep inside her and ripped out all the hope in her heart. It hurt to see her like this. He wanted to help her, to bring back that woman he'd fallen in love with, if only for a night.

"Is it too late for Yang?" the words tumbled out before he could think. "Or too late for us?"

His guest went absolutely still in her seat, eyes growing wide.

Shit. he swore inwardly. Why the hell did I say that?

"I...Naruto...what the devil did you just say?"

"I miss you, ya know?" he offered mildly.

Again! Bad tongue! Shut! Up!

Raven's mouth snapped shut with a tortured click and she ground her teeth in audible frustration. Without warning her hand snapped across the counter to seize his right hand in hers. For a fleeting instant warm fingertips curled around his own. Her eyes met his and something sparked. Her eyes flitted down to his lips and the grasp on his hand turned to searing iron, as though her palm were superheated from within. He could have torn his grasp from hers and she knew it; she waited too; waiting for him to pull away.

When he didn't retreat, Raven do what she knew he would.

She leaped over the counter and grabbed him by the face, smashing her lips against his.

Naruto inhaled sharply in shock as much as surprise when her hands threaded in his hair. That was a mistake.

Breathing sent her scent searing through his nose all over again; she smelled of earth and smoke and just so damn familiar that he couldn't control himself. Her arms formed a loose noose around the back of his neck and his hands seized her waist to drag her closer, feeling the fullness of her hips press against his own. She shrugged free of her armor and breasts smashed up against his chest, sending his pulse hammering furiously in his ears. She wasn't wearing anything underneath that shirt. He'd missed this. He'd missed her, snark and all. She was trying to talk to him, trying to say something, but he wouldn't let her get the first word in.

When they finally broke for air, he offered the only thing he could:

"I really did miss you." It was the right thing to say.

Because Raven absolutely growled.

Then her mouth was pure avarice against his own, greedy and hungry and tasting faintly of chocolate as her lips tangled with his. She bit his lip and he bit back, kissing the nape of her neck as she arched her body back into his. He fought back as well of course, digging his heels when she tried to shove him down and tear at him; though this in turn led to a drunken sort of dance through the dining hall. A tiny moan fled from her as they grappled with one another, smashing up against a cupboard. Her fingers tangled in the hem of his shirt as one of his hands gently cupped her breasts, furtively trying to find purchase in rough fabric.

Then, all at once, the Spring Maiden jerked away.

"Come away with me." she stepped back, cheeks flushed as she tugged on his sleeve, perhaps the most vulnerable he'd seen in a long time. "Your strength is wasted here. You could...we could...mhm!" Naruto kissed her again, and her words turned to a keening whine before she mastered herself again. "Stop. Stop that, damnit!" but her snarl lacked its earlier rancor as she returned his ministrations tenfold. "I can't think when you do that...

She faltered, words failing her.

"Could what?" with a supreme effort, Naruto managed to master himself and tug her back before she could escape. "Take over the world? I already told you, that's not my shtick. My fighting days are done. If its about Salem-

"Can you stop her?" came the whisper.

"I don't know." he admitted freely, watching his old friend wilt. "Even if I could, I don't think I want to. No, listen." when she tried to retreat he hauled her back, hand coming up under her chin. "There has to be another way. If we run around killing people without knowing their side of the story, doesn't that make us just as bad as the monsters we're fighting?"

"She's killed millions."

Blue eyes gleamed red. "I've done worse. Much worse."

Neither denied that; neither had been the best person in their youth.

"You say that, but have you even seen her?" Raven challenged, eyes narrow.

Naruto hesitated. In the end, he chose to tell the truth. "I have. Once. She looks...lost."

"Lost?! That's your excuse?!" Raven exploded. "Damn you! Why must you save everyone?! Why does it always work?!" exasperated, she threw her arms into the air. "Even now you could flatten anyone who stood against you! I know you could find a way to beat her if you wanted! Yet you choose to while away your days doing...this."

"Its called living, Raven." he countered. "Try it sometime. You don't have to go. Stay. Just for now."

"What, and work in your bakery? While away the rest of my life in mediocrity?"

Naruto felt laughter bubble up in him again. "Would it be so bad?"

Raven flinched as if he'd dumped a bucket of water on her.

But there was a smile there. A hint of...something.

"I'll consider it. Not now. Later. Maybe."

He knew she was truly out of sorts; if only because she didn't use a portal. Instead she flounced away from him and out the door as only an frazzled Maiden could. Which is to say she blasted it right off its hinges and took most of the wall with it in her frantic haste to escape. She nearly forgot her weapon and had to double back in a frantic blur. Her gaze flicked towards her armor, but she gave it up, not trusting herself to return and be able to escape again.

It took everything she had just to storm forward.

Naruto dutifully trotted up to the ruined frame and propped it back up again, but not before he flipped the sign back to OPEN. In doing so, he saw Raven risk a glance over her shoulder, only to realize she'd been caught. He laughed and blew a faux kiss at her, watching her pale visage light up. This time, she didn't so much step into her portal as she did dive. Something told him he hadn't seen the last of her. It was enough.

The fainest of smiles tugged at his face. "See you around, Rae."

Only then did he truly notice the damage she'd done.

"Who's going to clean this up?!"

A/N: Right, so if anyone is confused:

It is HEAVILY implied that Yang was born of Naruto and Raven in this story. Ergo? Naruto's kid, though she doesn't know that.

*falls over with laughter*

There we go. The stage is set. NOW LET US BEGIN!

Raven is best girl in this story and I dare anyone to convince me otherwise.

Writing Raven just hurts, poor birdie really got messed up in the head by life and such. She kinda stole the spotlight there. Really, this was a treat to write. It'll be more story-centric after this. And who knows if Raven is telling the truth? She's a complicated girl. We haven't seen the last of her, either.

This can't possibly compared to "Service With A Smile" so I'm going my own route.

Well, I hope you liked it; this'll be more slice of life and hilarity than the continent-spanning adventures you're all used to.

So In the Immortal Words of Atlas...

...Revieeeeew, Would You Kindly?

They keeps an old man alive.

And enjoy the previews.

Get ready to smile~!

(Previews!)

"C'mon, c'mon! You gotta see this place!"

Yang allowed herself to dragged along as only a big sister could.

"Alright, alright! What's got you in such a twist, Rubes? Its only cookies!"

"Yang! Cookies are love!" her sibling rounded on her with a gasp. "Cookies are life!"

"Riiiiiiiight, forgot who I was talking to for a second there...

The last thing she expected was to see Mother.

Least of all in an apron!

In a bakery!

"MOM?!"

"Say hello to your new father, Yang."

"Bwuh?" the blond berserker managed to stutter back.

"What happens if I break these so called rules of yours, then?" Cardin growled. "You no good faunus loving piece of...

A muffled thud hit the floor a heartbeat later as his ruined body toppled backward with splat.

Naruto blinked, paused, rubbed a bit of blood off the glass he'd been cleaning.

"Oh no, I seem to have murdered another criminal. Nora?"

"Bury the body in the back?" His assistant beamed.

Naruto nodded. "Bury the body in the back."

"Who am I kidding? Lets not get overzealous here, old man." Roman lowered the cane. "You've always been a huge piece of shit. If I could kill you, I would. Sadly, the universe seems to frown upon that."

A blond brow rose in mild amusement. "Missed you too, Roman. What'll it be?

The criminal threw himself into a chair. "Look, unless you're serving something STRONG, I don't want-hey!"

Neo nimbly vaulted over the counter to Naruto's side. For his part, the blond actually deigned to spare her a glance.

"Howdy, squirt. Missed you too. How're things?" He laughed when bounced up to kiss his cheek. "That good, huh? You want the usual?"

She only laughed silently at him.

"Damnit." Roman sighed.

R&R~!