Kazuya sat at the table, nervously watching the clock on the wall .
3:30
"Another half-hour ", he realized .
He was in a Cafe about five minutes from Ruka's school. He had arrived an hour back and headed straight towards the school but the mere sight of it had filled him with foreboding anxiety .
Somehow he had stumbled into this Cafe before his legs gave away .
He slowly stirred the now cold coffee that he had ordered . Even without looking he could feel the glare of the staff waiting for him to leave but he stubbornly ignored them .
He took a sip of the coffee and immediately felt queasy .
It had nothing to do with the coffee. The impending confrontation was eating away at him , drilling fear into his heart.
The only thing that had stopped him from running away was the reminder of the person he was doing it for .
He glanced at his phone again scrolling through the small but growing album . Pictures of Chizuru. Some with him and some by herself .
Since they had become official Chizuru had told him that she wanted them to make a habit of taking photos of themselves.
"They're not just photos , they're memories ", she'd said back then .
"We've missed out on treasuring a lot of our memories together , so from now on we should make sure we do it " .
The warm smile on her face that day flashed through his mind and just for a second his dread lifted .
His fingers slid across the screen till they came to the oldest picture in the album .
He smiled a bit as he saw it .
That picture had been taken on that night . That night at the shrine. The night they had finally...
It was after they had talked and cried and laughed as well. Just before they left , Chizuru asked him if he minded her taking a photo .
He remembered how nervous he was when she moved closer to him . He was so unsure of how exactly to sit and where to put his arms but Chizuru unhesitatingly grabbed his arm and pulled it around her waist .
She had then wrapped her arm around his chest before snapping the photo.
Kazuya smiled again looking at the photo . Their eyes were puffy and red from all the crying . Their hair had been pulled to all sides by the wind. Their faces were flushed probably because of the awareness of each other's presence.
But they were both happy .
So happy.
Smiling so broadly it barely fit in the photo .
Kazuya still remembered the caption with which Chizuru had sent the photo to him.
And he knew that he would never forget it .
She had called it,
"Our night " .
That was why he was here today .
That was what he was fighting for .
For "our "
For her.
"For Chizuru " , he whispered, the burning steel of determination now flooding through him , forcing his fear out .
"Because if I don't do this , it will hurt her in the end ", he reminded himself.
He glanced up at the clock again.
3:50 .
"Time to go", he decided and got up .
Five minutes later he stood outside Ruka's school .
Having heeded Chizuru's warning, he stood what he deemed to be a suitably respectable distance from the school gates.
Glancing around he realized that maybe he needn't have bothered.
A whole crowd of people were waiting outside . Boyfriends,girlfriends , friend groups, maybe siblings but what was sure was that Kazuya wasn't out of place despite his age .
He turned his attention back to the school and just in time for the loud ringing of the bell .
Chaos ensued as every person from inside the school tried to force their way through .
A sea of dark blue blazers and green ties descended all around Kazuya but he strained his eyes desperately hunting for that distinctive blue ribbon.
Wave after wave of high schoolers passed him but just as Kazuya began to wonder if he'd missed her , the sea parted just for an instant and he saw her.
Head down, hands tucked in her pockets , blank expression on her face , she walked in an almost aimless manner past the gate , followed by three worried-looking girls .
Kazuya shoved his way through the crowd , unapologetically till he got close enough and then he called her,
"Ruka-chan!" .
He wasn't that loud , the crowd around them was deafening but somehow she heard him .
The ribbon seemed to perk up for the smallest fraction of a second before she saw him .
The second her eyes recognized him, she stopped walking. She stood unmoving as that blankness slowly changed.
Kazuya saw her start to quiver before she turned and ran back into the school .
Kazuya tried to follow her but the three girls suddenly stepped into his path, blocking him .
"What do you think you're doing?",the one in the center asked him .
"I need to see Ruka-chan ", Kazuya replied unwaveringly.
"As if we'll let you ", she shot back .
"What are you , a stalker? ", the one on the right questioned before suggesting,
"Let's call security " .
"No , I'm not a stalker ", Kazuya insisted before continuing,
"I'm serious, I need to see her " .
"Like I said , we won't.. " , the one in the center started again before the one on the left suddenly interrupted.
"Wait , I've seen this guy before " .
All of them fell silent in surprise as she whipped out her phone, scrolled through it for a few seconds before turning it towards him saying,
"That's you isn't it ? "
Kazuya stared at the picture , one of him and Ruka at a movie theater together, and nodded.
"Wait, Mayumi . He's her college boyfriend? ", one of the other two asked her .
Ignoring them , Mayumi stared at Kazuya with a piercing gaze and asked,
"Are you the reason why Ruka's been upset recently ? "
Without hesitation, Kazuya replied,
"Yes " .
"She must have dumped him ", the girl on the right stated.
Mayumi shook her head and replied,
"She wouldn't be this upset if that was the case "
She paused for a second and continued,
"You ended things didn't you?" .
Not knowing a better answer, Kazuya nodded .
The young girl sighed before pointing towards Kazuya's left and spoke,
"Go that way and then turn towards the back of the school. There's a small path that cuts across a park and from there you can reach the subway pretty easily.
Go quickly if you don't want to lose her "
"Mayumi !", the other two screeched in outrage.
Mayumi continued to ignore them and added,
"You should know I'm only doing this for Ruka . I know you've hurt her but I think that the only way she'll recover is if she talks to you.
I could care less about what you want "
Kazuya felt the truth of statement ring in his ears as he nodded before he turned and ran as fast as he could.
In a couple of minutes he was at the park . Realizing the risk that Ruka might get on a train was higher, he ran past the park towards the subway entrance but there was no sign of her.
Fearing that he had messed up , Kazuya ran into the park, desperately searching until he finally found her .
She was sitting almost lifelessly on a bench. Even her breathing was imperceptible . The only sound was the softest of beeping that seemed to come from her phone.
Kazuya walked quietly , careful not to startle her , and slowly sat down beside her.
He saw the flash of recognition on her face immediately as he sat down. He watched as she glanced at her phone again whose rhythmic beeping had gotten more forceful , before she put it away .
He saw her ball her fists up before finally she spoke in little more than a whisper ,
"How did you find me ? "
Kazuya sighed and replied,
"Your friends " .
"They told you ?", she asked, the hurt evident in her tone
"It wasn't their fault ", he insisted.
"They were just trying to look out for you ".
He stopped for a moment before adding,
"They seem like really good friends , especially that one .. I think her name is Mayumi-chan ? "
He heard the sharp intake of breath from Ruka before she replied, rather testily ,
"Don't address her so casually "
"Oh right ", Kazuya replied apologetically before continuing,
"I'm sor..."
The word caught in his throat just before he uttered it .
Not just because of his intentions.
The second he had begun to say it , he had realized .
Ruka was a volcano about to explode .
And explode she did ,
She turned around, fury burning in her eyes and screamed,
"You're sorry? "
Kazuya felt her rage like a kick in the guts and exhaled sharply.
"Don't you dare say that to me ! ", Ruka screamed again.
Swallowing his pain, Kazuya tried to speak,
"Ruka-chan, even if you don't want me to say it , I have to
I'm... "
Her vicious glare stopped him however ,forcing him silent .
Kazuya decided to stay silent and so he waited before Ruka spoke again ,
"I don't want your sorry. It isn't worth anything . Not a damn thing !
You're just a liar . That's all you ever were . And that's all you did to me ".
Startled by her words , Kazuya replied ,
"I didn't lie to you .I never did " .
She stared at him coldly for a few seconds before asking , quietly
"You think I don't know ? "
Kazuya swallowed and replied,
"I ... I think you do " .
"Then how the hell can you say you didn't lie to me ?", she exploded again .
"I ..." , he tried to reply but a furious Ruka denied him the chance.
"I believed you !", she told him, rage layered in each syllable.
"All this time ,I believed you. That's why I was so happy when you called me when you were sick. Even though you told me that you wanted to end things with me and go after Chizuru-san, I was happy . Because I thought that maybe it didn't work out or that you had chosen me instead.
But then ... a few days after New Year's ... " , Ruka's voice started to break just a bit but she continued,
"I called your Grandma to wish her but she was ... cold. She tried to hide it but I could tell . It's like she was trying to tell me ,
"You're not welcome here ".
And I couldn't understand why and all of a sudden I remembered how you'd called and said that you weren't sick anymore.
Something... just seemed wrong. I had a terrible feeling.
So I ran out out of my house straight to your place. Even though it was night , I ran .
And ... and ... "
Ruka's voice became even more shaky but she somehow found the strength to continue,
"And .. I...s...saw you .
Both of you .
Leaving together.
She was in a black kimono .
And I could tell ...
I could tell ...
The look on your faces ...
This wasn't another unexplainable coincidence.
You were ...
You and she were ...
Finally Ruka's voice gave away to tears but not before she managed one last sentence.
She grabbed Kazuya by the collar and spoke in the softest of whispers . But that whisper somehow conveyed more rage and sorrow than everything else she'd said .
"You ..said you'd pro...protect me ".
With that final broken whisper , the young high schooler descended into agonizing sobs.
Sobs that nearly broke Kazuya's heart and spirit .
He felt tears rising in himself but he pushed them down .
He knew he had to be strong.
He waited silently, patiently , almost painstakingly till finally he had the words he needed to say .
He couldn't bear to look at Ruka's face and so he looked down .
"I didn't lie to you ", he repeated
"But you're right ", he admitted.
"Chizuru and I... we're together now ".
Almost immediately, he heard a sharp hiss of breath from Ruka , which he knew was her reaction to his usage of Chizuru's name .
He continued,
"What you saw... that night ... that was when it happened.
Not before .
I promise, that was when it happened.
I didn't tell Grandma anything. She already knew. About what you and I were doing. And she nearly chewed my head off . We really got into it with each other. We haven't even spoken since ".
He paused , as a bitter smile spread across his face , before resuming,
"Since then I've had plenty of chances to tell you the truth but ... I was afraid. So I focused on my own happiness.
And for that I'm sorry " .
As he finished he slowly looked up ,not knowing what to expect but was surprised by the apparent disbelief on her face .
"No .. you're... ", a dazed Ruka struggled to find the words.
"You're lying . You have to be .
Because if you didn't then ... if you weren't together then ... if you hadn't told Grandma then ... "
A confused smile appeared on Ruka's face before it was replaced with horror
"It ... was me ? ", she manged to get out?
Kazuya was silent and tried his best to not give anything away but it was too late
Ruka was overcome with the pure terror of clarity .
"It was ", she told herself , in a futile hope that she was wrong
"I must have let something slip . Probably when I called her on Christmas.
I made things a billion times worse
I know what Grandma is like . She must have yelled at you and accused you of cheating.
And ... I know exactly what you're like.
You would have told Grandma... that you loved... her ".
Now Kazuya was struck with disbelief, at how she had pieced everything together but before he could gather his thoughts, Ruka continued,
"That must have... surely ...
"That pushed you two together in the end .
And that means ... " .
It seemed impossible at that point but Ruka descended further into grief ,
"I pushed you together ", she realized.
She gripped the armrest of the bench ,tightly , trying to come to terms with her realization.
Almost instantaneously the answer came to Kazuya.
That's it ", he decided .
"I have to stop saying what I think is right .
I have to tell her the truth " .
Ruka felt the pain in her chest . It clamped so tight she could barely breathe .
"How am I supposed to accept this ", she asked herself.
"I can't. I just can't.
I can't just move on .
I can't let go of my feelings. "
She stared at Kazuya through the corner of her eyes , the worry etched on every inch of him.
She buried her head in her hands .
"It wasn't supposed to be like this . I was supposed to end up with you", she cried silently to herself
She... was supposed to have nothing.
She... had a life before you and she will have one after you .
But...I'm not like that.
I just can't... "
Her pain was suddenly interrupted by sudden movement.
Ruka raised her head again and saw Kazuya standing in front of her .
He looked straight at her and for the first time that day , those mesmerizing brown eyes met hers .
And then he bowed down .
"I'm so sorry ", he began.
"You're absolutely right. About everything.
I am a liar. I lied to you and everyone in my life about me feelings for Chizuru.
But I'm going to tell you the truth now .
I don't just like Chizuru.
I love her . From the bottom of my heart. With everything I have.
And I never had those feelings for you .
Even thought you tried so hard and you offered me everything, I didn't fall for you.
But ... you're right. I did promise to protect you .
I told you that if ever ended up with Chizuru that I'd find a way to keep you from getting hurt .
But I broke that promise.
And I'm sorry. "
She watched dumbstruck as he raised his head and she saw his face .
She saw sadness and guilt but most off all , his determination.
And for the first time it hit her .
It truly hit her.
It was over .
Their relationship was over .
"W...why ... ", she managed to get out .
"Why her ... why wasn't it me ", she whispered bitterly.
She watched him pause ,searching for the answer and when he found it he replied,
"To be honest, I don't know .
But when I think about Chizuru , my feelings for her... they're more than just how I feel in that moment.
It's more than thinking she's beautiful or that she's smart or funny . Or how I enjoy my time with her. Or that I'm attracted to her.
It's more than all that .
I don't know how to say it . But ...
It feels .. more .
Chizuru is ... more . "
Ruka couldn't grasp what Kazuya had said.
She replayed his words again and again but it didn't make sense.
She closed her eyes trying to understand.
And when she opened them , she found herself no longer in the park .
Kazuya was still there though.
And beside him, she was there too .
Mizuhara Chizuru.
At first Ruka didn't realize where she was but then it struck her like lightning.
She was there.
She had finally stepped in .
Into their world .
That unreachable world she had seen glimpses of .
That domain where only those two people existed .
And finally, she began to understand.
Her chest heaved in shock as she took in deep breaths and closed her eyes
Such was the weight of her realization.
She opened them again and she was in the park again .
And now she knew .
Not completely, maybe just the tiniest fragment.
But now she knew.
Her own thoughts came back to her.
"She... was supposed to have nothing.
She... had a life before you and she will have one after you ."
"That's what I thought about Chizuru-san ", Ruka reminded herself.
"I'm so stupid "
She looked at the steely determination on his face and the answers flooded her mind.
"Both of them ... they're not like that.
Their feelings... their ...love is not like that .
Neither of them could be without the other .
That's the only way their entire relationship makes sense.
And now I know.
It's true .
Kazuya couldn't put it into words but I understood what he meant by
"Chizuru is ... more . "
Chizuru-san isn't just his girlfriend or a person that he has feelings for ", she realized
"She's more.
She's a part of him
A part of his life .
"And I... "
The tears flowed once again, clouding her vision .
Ruka clutched her chest as she began to understand more.
Her heart pumped furiously, beating against her fingers .
"All this time I've wanted my heart to beat faster.
It was my life's dream .
To not feel like a defective product.
To feel like I could lead a full life .
But I was wrong .
What I wanted all along was a person to beat my heart for .
A person who would not just make my heart beat faster .
But a person whose heart would beat with me .
Furiously , full of passion, our hearts would beat as one.
That's what I wanted all along.
From the first time I saw excitement on others faces that I couldn't experience.
That's all I wanted.
From the first time I saw how Kazuya cared for Chizuru-san.
That's all I wanted .
For our hearts to beat together ".
She looked longingly at Kazuya once again and this time she could see .
Kazuya's heart beating with Chizuru's
Two different hearts that had become one .
Their's was a single heartbeat .
But the heart that Ruka clutched in her fingers, the heart that thumped in her chest .
She knew .
Her heartbeat was a solitary one .
Ruka buried her head in her lap and sobbed.
Ruka drained the can of tea and threw it in the garbage can before she sat back down .
After she had finally stopped crying, she'd noticed what was siting beside her.
A can of her favorite drink .
A plate of her favorite cake.
She hadn't even noticed him leaving to get it
Her heart had clenched but she had eaten , unable to look away from the gentle smile on his face.
Because she knew it was the last.
After a few more minutes, she got up.
She had tried to figure out what to say , how to say goodbye but to no avail .
And so she put one step in front of the other and tried to leave .
He followed her though ,slowly .
And at last they came to the edge of the park.
And just before she could leave he spoke again.
"There's one more thing I'm sorry about.
Even though you were proud to call me your boyfriend and tell everyone that you loved me ...I never did anything like that.
And I never appreciated you .
That's why I wanted to say .
Thank you for being a wonderful girlfriend."
Ruka froze in shock and so did her heartbeat.
And then it returned. With a thousand times it's force . So loud and so overwhelming she could almost feel nothing else.
Almost.
Because that one sentence of his had filled her momentarily with joy .
Because he had finally called her his girlfriend.
A smile broke out on her face . Despite her pain and her grief it shone radiantly as she turned and told him ,
"Thank you ... Kazuya ".
And then she turned and ran .
A/N : A raw , emotionally charged chapter which resulted in the end of Ruka's relationship with Kazuya.
But the trial origins of it should not mask the impact of the relationship on either of them.
I think this is the most challenging chapter that I have ever written not just because of how sad and heartbreaking it is but also to gauge how much I've improved as a writer since I wrote a Ruka/Kazuya break up in chapter 4 of Once Lost Now Found .
While the circumstances were different in that story , I still hope I've been able to improve since then .
Next time : The guilt of the broken heart.