Kazuya sat in his apartment, motionless as he watched Chizuru storm out , followed seconds later by the loud bang of her door being slammed shut.
"She's furious ", he realized.
The guilty haze that had been plaguing him since last night consumed him even further , leaving Kazuya almost unable to even move , pushing away all other thoughts, all other feelings , leaving him only with her image , the image of that instant when she heard him admitting that he had known, that moment when her eyes had softened, glistened for just a moment before being filled with rage .
That image stuck in Kazuya's mind, as his heart pumped fear through his veins .
"Chizuru.. ", he muttered slowly, getting up without even realizing it .
Before he knew it , he had stumbled outside , and now he stood in front of her door .
He tried the handle first , but found that it was locked, he then knocked , a little timidly at first , then more forcefully hoping against hope that she just hadn't heard him .
But he that she had , he knew what the silence meant .
"Go away ".
He walked away , unwillingly but he knew that he had to .
Back in his apartment, he sat down ,leaning against their common wall ,hoping to hear something, some assurance that she wasn't as angry as he feared , but all he heard was deafening silence.
He picked up his phone and opened Chizuru's chat window, his fingers hovered over the buttons, before he willed himself to type ,
"Hey
I'm sorry. "
He gulped anxiously as he sent it ,waiting for the "read" to appear at the bottom of the message.
It didn't.
Kazuya knew that she had seen it .
And he knew what the non-response meant.
She wasn't interested in what he had to say .
The guilt gripped his heart , filling Kazuya with a sickening feeling as he allowed himself the thought he had been desperately trying to push away .
"Is she ... really...
Did I ... just make ... a bigger mistake... than I think ?
Is this the ... Is it ... Are we ... "
The Next Morning,
A night of restless tossing and turning had followed a difficult day where Kazuya had done little more than staring at his phone screen , desperately hoping for something, anything .
He got up , more tired and more desperate than when he'd laid down , he got dressed as quickly as he could and he got out of his apartment.
He checked the time ,it was just after eight.
Plenty of time before Chizuru's first class that morning which was at eleven.
He was determined to talk to her , to apologize and to set things straight before she even left for Uni .
But he found her apartment locked and no sign of her , anywhere around.
He knew what this meant .
She had purposefully avoided him .
Undeterred , he set off for Uni , making sure to check all their regular haunts on their way ,only to come up short .
Finally he reached Uni , walked in and found her , standing next to her friends and Kuri .
Kibe's absence didn't surprise Kazuya . Kibe had messaged both him and Kuri last night , telling him that "Ichinose " had turned him down .
At that point Kazuya was far beyond caring about how Kibe felt , in fact it was all he could do to not fling his phone against the wall , when he'd seen the message.
"Damn bastard, Kibe ! ", Kazuya muttered as he walked up to Chizuru and the others.
He spotted it early, the expression on Chizuru's face . Dazzlingly perfect for everyone else , but hollow plastic to his eyes. A fake smile plastered across her face that would indicate that nothing had happened in the last twenty four hours .
Kuri was clearly disconcerted by this , repeatedly catching Kazuya's eyes as soon as he'd joined them and then glancing towards Chizuru secretly as if trying to point out the obvious to him .
Kazuya ignored him and barely joined in the group conversation, just nodding whenever necessary before everyone split up .
Kazuya first walked away with Kuri before making an excuse and doubling back .
He knew that Kawanaka and Shinbo would be headed towards a different class and so he waited a few minutes till he saw them leaving .
He watched Chizuru check her watch before walking away herself . He started to walk towards her , hoping to catch up to her ,somewhere where they wouldn't be seen .
He had barely taken a couple of steps, when Chizuru turned around.
She didn't even meet his eyes , she stared somewhere behind him , but once again he knew what she was saying, even in her blank expression , her anger was clear .
"Go away " .
Kazuya did just that.
That Evening ,
Kazuya sat on the landing outside his apartment, bag of groceries in his hand as he waited for Chizuru to come back .
It was almost 7: 30 by then , he knew her acting class got over by 6 and the fact that she still hadn't come back worried him .
Finally those steps creaked and Kazuya stood up
He saw her coming up the stairs , she saw him too and seemed quite unperturbed, like she'd expected it .
She didn't say anything, she didn't react at all , as she stepped onto the landing, she didn't even glance at him and seemed content to not acknowledge him .
But Kazuya had been pushed to his limit and was desperate to talk to her .
"Chizuru? ", he called out softly .
She tried not to but she reacted to him calling her name, she'd glanced over for the smallest fraction of a second before looking away again .
It was when she turned that Kazuya noticed the bag in her hand .
"You went to the convenience store ? ", he asked.
She didn't answer but Kazuya continued,
"I'd already bought them , I knew you had a late class today " .
She glanced again, not at him but the groceries in his hand.
She didn't respond, instead , she rummaged in her bag ,presumably looking for her key .
"What is she doing ? She knew I would buy them ? Why did she ... by herself ... like she has to do everything by herself again?", Kazuya desperately worried .
He watched as she pulled her key out and began to unlock her door.
"Chizuru? ", he called again.
It was then that he noticed how firmly she was gripping the bag , almost fiercely enough to tear it .
That didn't stop Kazuya though as he spoke ,
"I'm... sorry ".
"Don't.. ".
She had finally spoken ,
"Don't... any more .
It was quiet , it was firm , it left no doubt but Kazuya couldn't bear to stop .
"I'm sorry ", he repeated.
"Just stop ", she replied, shaking slightly.
"I don't want to hear it " .
He watched as the lock clicked and her door finally opened, albeit a fraction.
"I can't ", he replied .
"I need to talk to you " .
He saw the bitterness ,now apparent on her face as she stared at her door before answering,
"I don't want to talk to you now.
And you don't want to hear what I'm thinking ".
She pushed the door fully open , before telling him ,
"I don't want to fight with you " .
She kicked off her shoes as she started to step inside the dark lonely apartment, making it seem to Kazuya like the shadows were taking her back .
"I need to talk to you ", he repeated, stopping her in her tracks .
"Look , I'm sorry ", he told her again.
"I shouldn't have allowed it , I should have stopped Kibe .
But I didn't know you'd be this angry . I didn't think it'd be such a big deal for you.
I don't know why ... I told Kibe ... not to pester you .. to take no for an answer... and to walk away after ... "
"You think that's what this is about ? " .
The measured tone was gone, the composure was gone , the grocery bag had finally been clawed through, all the rage that Chizuru had been holding back was ready to burst out .
"You knew he was going to confess to me , you did nothing to stop him and you think I'm angry because of something he did ? "
"I ... ", Kazuya's voice trailed off as whatever courage he had left him in the face of Chizuru's onslaught.
"What you have nothing to say now? ", she asked furiously .
"I.. I tried ... but ... ", Kazuya managed to get out before she laughed mirthlessly ,
"You tried? I'm so grateful for that. You must have tried really hard because you changed absolutely nothing ! " .
It was all Kazuya could do to even stand straight in front of Chizuru, her unrelenting torrents threatening to knock him down but he still tried to speak ,
"Look , it's not like ... it's ... you don't like him or anything... and ...I tried to argue with him ...but Kibe was starting ... to get suspicious...
I had ... no ... "
"Don't you dare say you had no other choice ?
You could have told me ", she retorted furiously.
"I ... I... didn't have a choice ", Kazuya replied and even though he knew it was just a pathetic excuse at that point , he told her ,
"I promised him ... he made me ... he ... "
"So you've never lied to him before or do you only do that for your own sake ?".
Kazuya knew that he had no answer to that and fell silent .
Chizuru didn't say anything for a while as her anger stewed in the air before she seemed to regain control over herself ,
She asked him , with what seemed to be a deadly calm ,
"Through this whole thing , did you even once think about how I would feel ? "
The question shocked Kazuya and he opened his mouth to answer , almost indignantly,
"I always think about her", he thought to himself.
"I know I've messed up here but it isn't fair to say that I wasn't thinking about ... "
And then the events of the previous night flooded through him.
And then he remembered.
It had all been about his pride, his guilt , his anger , his word , his compromise , his friendship
Not once last night did he stop to think about how Chizuru would feel.
In fact he had told himself , he'd convinced himself that only his pride would be hurt and when his conscience had tried to bring up her feelings, he'd pushed it away.
He couldn't bring himself to admit the truth, that he had only thought about himself .
He didn't need to , Chizuru could understand him as well as he normally understood her .
"I thought so ", Chizuru muttered , almost emotionlessly
It seemed like a cruel taunt by Fate , a reminder of that capacity to understand each other that he had thrown away .
She bent down to pick up her groceries, her face now obscured as she remarked ,
"You know I thought that you'd changed .
I thought that you were no longer the guy who would say whatever he needed to , go to whatever lengths, just to save face .
I had almost forgotten about it , the guy who pointed at me and told everyone that I was your girlfriend.
Whatever problems you had , whenever you needed to, you just pointed at me and expected everything to be alright .
You did the same this time too right ?
You thought that I would take care of everything without you having to do anything that was too difficult for you ?
I really thought you'd changed since then .
But if you haven't... if I'm still just a way to solve your problems ... if I'm still just a way to keep everyone in your life happy ... then ...
It was then that her voice broke , it was then that she lifted her eyes to look at Kazuya, it was then, when he saw her now tear stained eyes , that Kazuya finally realized , that she wasn't angry .
Chizuru was hurt
She stood up straight , staring at his eyes even as her tears shrouded her own and she asked ,
"Then ... what are we even doing... ? "
With that final question, she turned into her apartment, once again slamming it behind her .
As tears fell from his own eyes , mirroring hers, the fear that he had been trying to push away,swallowed him whole , petrifying him with that terrible possibility that he had done the unthinkable, that he hadn't just messed up or made a mistake.
"Have I... just pushed her away " .
The terror lasted only for a few seconds,because it was simply too much for him .
Kazuya went numb .
His phone rang , but it barely registered in Kazuya's mind .
He did not care , he knew it was not hers and he simply did not care about anyone or anything else , he didn't care if it was his family or his friends or anything , he could not muster up the effort to care.
Or so he thought, but something about the persistence of the phone, annoyed him and simply to make it stop , to return to that empty nothingness, he picked it up .
It wasn't an call , it was an alarm.
"Work , 5 " , it said .
He couldn't help glancing at the time .
4 : 09 .
And then he threw the phone away .
After all it didn't matter.
It had been three days , just three days , maybe one could say , but it had been too long .
He hadn't left the apartment for three days .
He smiled bitterly as he remembered how eager he'd been about work this week , having extracted the promise of a rare weekend off .
He remembered how happy he'd been , how excited she had been planning a weekend getaway.
"There's no way that's happening now is it?", he spoke out loud .
It's true , he was numb but every so often a tremor of fear would pass through him , a sliver of sadness and that was enough to remind him of the mountain of guilt so large he almost couldn't feel it .
Almost .
He might have been numb , but ... still ... there were seconds when he felt... everything .
And that moment turned out to be one of those seconds.
Something snapped in Kazuya this time , maybe it was just frustration , maybe it was just fatigue , maybe he just couldn't bear to be alone with himself , so close and yet so far .
And so before he knew it , he was in the locker room of the Karaoke Bar where he worked .
He changed and he started his work , he knew he was early ,but he didn't mind and he had to admit that running around fulfilling the whims and fancies of every customer , helped him not think about what had happened .
He surprised himself with how easily he put on a smile and how he went about like nothing was wrong .
But all that was only when customers were around, every time there was a moment of quiet , Kazuya retreated into his shell, as he waited at the counter , only coming out when a loud customer appeared in front of him
And that was why he didn't notice the door to the employee's break room opening just to the left , behind him , that was why he didn't hear the gasp behind him , and that was why when he eventually noticed the other employees staring behind him in horrified silence, he was surprised.
Instinctively he turned around and found himself face to face with an all too painfully familiar person .
"R... Ruka-chan ", he stammered.
She was equally taken back, equally unprepared for this moment that neither of them were ready for .
It was too soon .
She ducked her head down and almost ran past the counter , not even glancing back once as she scampered past him .
Ruka ran , not even knowing where she was going , till she found herself sitting in one of the empty Karoke rooms.
She hugged her knees as she sat there , trying to deal with all the emotion , the sadness , the longing , the regret that the mere sight of him had brought up .
But she couldn't.
"I have to leave ", she muttered .
She slowly stepped out , knees shaking as she did , before heading straight to the women's locker room .
There she found that she no longer had her phone with her .
"Damn it ! I left it in the break room ", she realized .
The strength drained out of her body as every fibre of her being refused to go out again, refused to see him again.
But she had to , she had no cash on her and she needed her phone to get home .
She cautiously crept back out to the front of the bar and found that Kazuya was no longer at the counter .
She heaved a sigh of relief and ran towards the break room , till she caught a glimpse of Kazuya sitting there .
She nearly screamed out loud but managed to control herself as she slowly backed out .
His back was to her and so he didn't notice her .
Once outside the break room , she peeped in again, watching him .
She saw him sitting at the table , not eating or drinking anything , just gazing off into the distance.
He turned slightly as his phone buzzed and Ruka saw the expression on his face , an unreadable mask that she had never seen before .
And all her worries about herself rushed out of her .
"What's wrong with him ? ", she wondered .
Just at that moment, one of her fellow employees , Kaede appeared behind her .
Ruka told her about her phone and Kaede unhesitatingly walked in and retrieved Ruka's phone .
After she thanked Kaede , Ruka couldn't stop herself from asking her ,
"Did something happen to ... "
Her voice trailed off but it was obvious who she was talking about . Kaede who was well aware of Ruka and Kazuya, answered (after a brief moment of shock ),
"I don't know but Kazuya-san missed work for a couple of days and he's been acting kinda weird all day , today , staring off somewhere , not really listening to people .
Which is so unusual because he's always so nice and friendly but ... "
Kaede stopped herself, clearly worried about how Ruka would react to her praising Kazuya but Ruka waved it aside before thanking her again.
Kaede left and Ruka decided to leave too , she took a step away but once again couldn't stop herself from looking back .
She knew . He was sad . No ,not just sad , he looked terrible , he looked miserable.
"It isn't because he saw me ", she realized.
" Kaede-san said that he's been like this all day ".
Something had gone wrong, she knew it .
And she knew that there was only person who could make him feel this bad .
She knew that there was only person for whom the light in his eyes would go out .
"Walk away ", she told herself .
"This doesn't concern me . And if something is wrong between ... them, then it's good for me ".
But as much as she wanted to walk away , as much as she knew that going any further was going to hurt her , she couldn't leave .
The same heart that had rebelled against coming here , now did not let her leave .
Ruka marched back in , slammed the table and asked Kazuya,
"What happened ? "
Ruka left the bar and managed to stumble her way to the bus stop ,just in time for a bus heading in her direction.
As she sat down she could barely believe what she'd done .
She glanced down at her right hand, the same hand that she could barely believe, she'd swung at Kazuya with all her might.
She hadn't meant to ,she'd just been so angry ,
"Of course she's mad at you ", Ruka had yelled at him as she had swung
"You took her for granted , you wanted her to do what you didn't have the balls to do and then you acted like it wasn't a big deal . "
He had been shocked , by her tone , by her words and of course by her fist.
Thankfully he'd dodged but he'd stared at her in disbelief.
"And you're sitting here , moping around, feeling sorry for yourself ", she had continued to yell .
"Ruka-chan... ? ", he'd mumbled .
His seeming ineptitude had angered her even further and so she'd yelled even louder ,
"The old you would have kicked down her door and apologized to her a million times and begged her to forgive you , you would have done whatever it took to repair what you had ".
That had gotten through to him , she'd realized straightaway as soon as she'd seen the expression on his face .
And then it'd come back , it flickered a few times ,but once again that light burned in his eyes , that light that always seemed to pull her in .
She had been struck silent , she'd never imagined that she'd be able to do that , that she'd be able to reignite his fire .
He'd smiled , thanked her and apologized to her , all of which she'd waved away , he'd even admitted that he'd figured out that she was still working here which had embarrassed her a little .
And then he asked her the question, the one she had been asking herself , the one she couldn't answer ,
"Ruka-chan why did you help me , ? "
She heard the words he didn't say as well ,
"With Chizuru ? "
She hadn't answered, she had left without saying anything more .
Ruka pressed her hand to her chest , she didn't need to check her phone to know that it had risen again to those heady heights , where only he could take her.
She had tried to rid herself of her feelings, she knew she had failed, but for the sake of her pride ,she refused to admit her defeat .
She glanced out at the window, imagining how eagerly he'd be heading back and she thought to herself , albeit bitterly
"Those two will be alright " .
A/N : Things spiral further as Kazuya fails to understand Chizuru's feelings , three days of darkness later , Ruka brings him back and sets him on the path to make things right .
Next time :A hurting Chizuru wonders if things will be alright before Kazuya makes his move
Edit :
Sorry everyone , I've been feeling a bit under the weather so I couldn't finish the next chapter in time .
Chapter 46 will be released next week instead .
Apologies once again.