"What's that over there ? "
"Surely that's a fight I see isn't it ? "
"Cut ", the director yelled .
"You messed up your line again , Ichinose".
"S. Sorry ", Chizuru mumbled as the director sighed out loud before commanding ,
"Okay , Nakano , let's start from your line again " .
"Alright, sir ", Umi replied.
He then glanced at Chizuru with a raised eyebrow .
"Your line is that you heard a scuffle and then I declare that it's a fight ", he reminded her .
"Yeah , I know . I just got confused ".
"Okay , let's get it right this time " .
She nodded and the director yelled again,
"Action ".
Chizuru was at her acting class ,they were rehearsing a short little skit , a hilarious comedy of two drunk friends stumbling their way through a small town , happening upon various situations, causing problems and gathering more members with every stop .
It was not going well , this wasn't her first mistake and her classmates were all glaring daggers at her .
But she barely cared , she tried her best to focus on her lines, anticipating the setting before it happened .
But she just couldn't.
She hadn't seen him ... since that night. Not the slightest sound , the smallest glance , it was like he'd vanished .
The morning after she'd yelled at him , the first few seconds, standing with their friends at Uni , and not seeing him there had shocked the anger out of her .
"Why isn't he here ", she'd wondered.
"He's always ... " .
Yes the anger had drained out but she'd been filled with bitterness. At him , at Kibe at the world in general but undeniably, most of all , herself.
"I'm not in the wrong ", she'd told herself fighting off the guilt in her chest .
"He ... Kaz... deserved it ... He ... hurt... "
She couldn't finish the thought because it hurt just to think about it .
But it hurt so much more to not have him next to her .
The next two days had dragged by , Chizuru just about able to get through them , the bitterness managing to trump the guilt and the loneliness.
Of course she'd maintained the facade of normalcy , no one could've suspected that there was anything wrong , not her classmates , not her friends , no one .
Till now .
Today morning, Kibe had approached her again .
This time , he'd apologized for asking her out , he'd seemed genuinely ashamed and so even though she held a fair anger towards him for what'd happened , she smiled and assured him that it was fine and that she didn't bear him any ill feeling.
He insisted that he was wrong and apologized again which she accepted with a seemingly amicable smile .
And then he'd said ,
"Even if you say that , I totally understand if you don't want me around ".
"No , I told you , I... "
"But ", he'd continued ,
"I just want to say that Kazuya and Kuri aren't to blame " .
"W.. what ? "
Just the utterance of his name had shattered through her smile , breaking her guard.
"Kazuya especially ", he went on .
"He tried so hard to convince me not to do it , he was actually angry with me for even suggesting it , we nearly came to blows as well ".
And that had done it . The bitterness that had consumed her vanished, leaving her with the awful guilt of what she'd said to Kazuya.
"Action " , the director yelled , pulling Chizuru's attention back .
Somehow she stumbled through the rest of the skit with just a few more mistakes soon and it was time for the end .
The two friends had gathered another five companions and were now lost in a forest, and now Chizuru would deliver the final line , an obvious one at that , questioning what they were doing .
The line was fairly simple ,
"What are we doing here ? "
At first , she didn't remember but as she prepared to say it, it struck her like a snake's fang , the venom of her own words biting into her,
"What are we even doing "
That was what she'd said , back then , that was the last thing she'd said , before she'd walked away .
The director gestured towards her , telling her to say her line.
But she couldn't speak.
She froze .
"Cut ", the director shouted
He wiped the sweat off his forehead before yelling ,
"Ok , Shiori, take Ichinose's place . We'll run through the last three scenes again ".
Shiori nodded and smiled apologetically at Chizuru who stumbled off the stage .
The director chewed her out and told her to leave , warning her to only return if she was committed to the classes .
She apologized mechanically without any real sincerity , almost like someone else was talking , before she headed back home .
Despite not feeling particularly hungry , Chizuru made herself a light dinner of rice and some leftover chicken and sat down at the table . As she ate , she checked her phone and found a message from Umi .
"Hey , just wanted to check in , you okay ? "
She barely took a second to type back her almost rehearsed answer .
"Yes , I'm alright , thanks for asking ".
"Are you sure ? ", he asked .
"Our teacher really laid into you " .
"Yeah , but I deserved it , I'll do better next time " .
"Okay then ", Umi relented ,before wishing her a goodnight .
Chizuru put her phone away and took a few more bites as she reflected bitterly on the irony of it all .
The truth was she did not care about what her teacher had said .
The truth was , at that moment she did not care about her acting classes at all .
The only thing she cared about was ...
The tightness grew in her chest , almost squeezing her heart as she kept thinking about him , about the things she'd told him , the exact words that had hurt him .
"What are we even doing? "
She somehow managed to put everything away before crawling into her bed and switching off the lights.
Till now, till Kibe had told her how far Kazuya had gone to try and stop him , she had been able to fight off her guilt over what she'd said , insisting again and again that he'd deserved it .
She had barely believed it , but she'd forced herself to .
But now she no longer could.
Now , the guilt overwhelmed her , now the tears that she'd been able to stop for the last three days , flooded out of her as she remembered again and again that look on his face , that moment when he'd lost the light in his eyes, the moment she'd broken him , the moment that she'd hurt him because she'd been hurt.
"How could I say that ", she sobbed into her pillow.
"Even though he let Kibe-kun ... even then ... he didn't deserve that.
I ... I questioned our relationship. That's...I ... can't... do that ".
The guilt enveloped her , forcing out her tears , relishing her pain as she cried .
And then the cunning serpent that is Fear coiled around her , wrapping her in itself , as the most terrible thought came into her mind for the first time ,
"Will Kazuya want to ... still .. with me ..."
Chizuru stirred from her slumber , pulled her blanket off and sat up .
And then she saw her Grandmother, sitting at the foot of her bed .
It didn't surprise her , since the night of the fight , she had barely slept , and whatever little sleep she got , she was haunted by the flashes of her past .
He was her rock after all and the possibility of losing him had stirred up her old demons .
That's why she wasn't surprised that she was dreaming about her beloved Grandmother.
What surprised her was that Grandma was much younger , at least a decade.
Then she glanced at herself and found her ten year old self .
This was the age at which she'd started to develop her independent streak , that was when her Grandmother would just sit near her while she slept in the morning instead of cuddling her .
"Hello Chizuru ", Sayuri told her.
Chizuru stared at her for a while before turning around and lying down again .
"I'd rather sleep ", she stated as she covered her eyes again.
She could hear her Grandmother chuckling before Sayuri remarked ,
"Aren't you wondering why you're dreaming about me ? " .
Chizuru was silent for a few seconds before she mumbled ,
"I know why " .
She didn't hear anything for a few seconds and then she felt warm , familiar fingers running through her hair .
"Come on , don't hide from me "Sayuri told her .
Chizuru pushed her blanket away and sat up ,moving a little so that her Grandma could sit next to her .
"I hurt him ", she whispered softly .
"Yes , you did ", Sayuri agreed before adding ,
"And he hurt you "
Chizuru didn't answer , she didn't need to , she just looked away .
"So , what now ? ", Sayuri asked .
Chizuru glanced back at her ,
"I.. don't know ", she replied .
"I crossed the line ... and now ...I'm scar... I don't know if ... he ... ".
"You're scared ? ", Grandma asked .
Chizuru didn't respond before nodding almost defiantly.
" So , you're giving up ? ", Sayuri questioned
"Huh ? ... ", Chizuru barely reacted before Grandma continued ,
"That's it then . It was a nice ride but we're at the end now .Being with Kazuya-kun was fun but it's run its course , so its time to ... "
"No ", Chizuru told Grandma firmly .
"No ... that's not ... I'm not. .
No ".
"No ? ", Grandma repeated with an almost cunning smile before asking,
"Then why are you still sleeping? "
"What ? ", Chizuru asked.
"Why are you lying in your bed, as miserable as possible , crying your heart out , when you could be with Kazuya-kun ? "
"I ... I told you... I don't know... if he wants... "
"Why not ? ", Grandma asked .
"He made a mistake, you did too . If that's all , why isn't it the problem over yet ? "
Chizuru found herself silent , unable to answer that question .
"Now that I think about it ", Grandma told her.
"Didn't you have a little argument just before this? About your search for a job , specifically about your decision to refuse his offer to support you? "
"What's that got to do with this? We took care of that afterwards anyway ? " Chizuru shot back
"Took care ? Or did he just accept whatever you decided ", Grandma asked ,knowingly
Once again, Chizuru was left speechless.
"Do you understand? ", Grandma continued,
" This problem wasn't a chance happening .The two of you haven't always dealt with problems well , especially when the problem is one or both of you .
So it's not a surprise that this happened. Something like this was bound to .
You'll have to work through that ... if you want to .
"Want to ? What do you mean ? ", Chizuru asked .
"I'll answer that but before that I want an answer from you , Chizuru ", Grandma told her.
She nodded , though she looked unhappy about it .
Grandma gave her a wry smile before asking,
"Did things get too real for you, Chizuru? "
"What ? "
"When Kazuya-kun offered to support you financially , did it get too real for you ? Your relationship?
Did it start to break through the limits of a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship and start to approach something more than that ? "
"No , I.. ", Chizuru tried to reply as realization began to dawn on her
"And even though its what you wanted , you couldn't deal with it actually happening? "
"I ... I... ", Chizuru stammered .
Grandma wasn't done, however.
"And maybe that planted just the right amount of fear in your heart that when another problem did come up , you couldn't help questioning your relationship? "
Chizuru's hands began to tremble but the more she asked herself, the more she searched herself , she realized that her Grandmother was right .
"I ... I didn't... know ... I didn't... mean to ", she told her Grandma , her voice breaking did .
"Of course you didn't " , Grandma reassured her , her voice full of compassion .
"Neither of you meant to , but it happened .
And now ... you have a choice ."
"Choice? ", Chizuru asked .
Grandma nodded ,
"And now I'll answer your question from earlier.
Your relationship with Kazuya-kun is only going to grow from here .
The happiness and joy will be greater. But so will the occasional pain and sorrow .
And so you have two options .
Like I said earlier , you can choose this to be your limit .This can be as far as you're willing to go and so this is as far as your relationship can grow . You can continue to date and continue to have a good relationship but with clear boundaries.
However those boundaries will end your relationship some day .
Or ... you take a leap . You continue, you admit that things may be great or difficult, you acknowledge that this relationship will test you to your limit, you accept that you might get hurt again .
And ... you choose him , you choose Kazuya-kun above all . "
Grandma smiled and leaned closer to Chizuru kissing her on her forehead ,like she used to do all those years ago to wake her up.
She then got up and started walking to the door and suddenly Sayuri seemed to age before her eyes , suddenly Chizuru was twenty one again.
And once again her Grandmother was saying goodbye .
"No , Grandma , don't... ", Chizuru cried out , getting out of her bed , running towards the door
"Don't worry, Chizuru ", Sayuri reassured her again with that same compassion .
"I may be going , but someone else is waiting for you "
In a flash, Chizuru woke up , sweating and breathing heavily.
"What's was that ? My conscience? My imagination? Or... ", she wondered as she jumped out of her bed .
She didn't bother with the question any more , though. In fact she didn't bother about anything else .
It hadn't taken her a second to make her choice .
She had lived three days without him and she knew , more than anything else in the world, she needed him.
And despite the risks, despite the fact that she knew it could all go terribly wrong ,
She chose him .
She barely stopped to put on her glasses before she ran out of her bedroom , not even putting on her slippers ,as she quickly unlocked the apartment door and stepped outside... where she promptly slammed her foot into a package sitting on her doorstep .
The package held some kind of box which sent jolts of pain across her foot .
She was about to ignore it and run to the apartment next door when something caught her eye .
An envelope stuck to the parcel
An envelope inscribed with her name a familiar, untidy scrawl .
It was from him .
A/N : Chizuru comes to a major realization and a bigger decision, before Kazuya makes his move .
Talking about the chapter, I know that ,maybe Chizuru seeing her Grandmother in a dream is a bit too fantastical but when I tried to think about who could help Chizuru when she needed it and who could make sense of her feelings and who Chizuru would be open with , I felt like Sayuri was the only choice .
Hope you enjoy it and would love to hear your thoughts about it either way .
Next time: Reconciliation.