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Chapter 9: First Words!
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"So, how did your date with 2B go, Nines?" Hatchet inquired as the young-looking android entered the living room. Sebastian, Emil, and A2 perked up and began to discreetly listen in.
After apologizing profusely to 2B about marrying an R-type YoRHa gynoid, the timid and fearful S-type had quickly taken her out on a date. Now, the housemates wanted all the details. The drama between the two was, in fact, the best source of entertainment available.
"Not bad. It was fun to just unwind with a friend," 9S said, scratching the back of his head. "Oh, and the Meat Shack is still intact. I'm glad Cookie and the others at the outpost survived the Tower's attack."
"So! Did you and 2B do anything fun? Anything 'steamy' perhaps?" Emil asked, rolling over to join in the conversation.
"What does heated water have to do with anything?" 9S inquired with a tilt of his head. There was a round of coughs and everyone looked away. Emil rolled off, whistling to himself as Hatchet busied himself with the innards of the soon-to-be complete Food Processor. A2 turned her attentions to little baby Alexander.
"It means getting intimate in a way that humans might consider 'sexual,'" Sebastian said bluntly, speaking up and informing 9S of the innuendo. Three sets of palms smacked foreheads as the youngest of the present androids destroyed 9S's innocence. Alexander just giggled and blew a spit bubble.
"WHAT?! No, no, we didn't do anything like that!" the S-type protested, cheeks turning red.
"Are you sure? Miss 2B was wearing a very lovely and revealing dress. And not the typical YoRHa combat-skirt, but an actual formal dress. From what I've gathered, women only wear something like that to attract the attention of a mate. Much like a bird would do with their feathers. Only with reversed genders."
"What happens with humans -and androids, I suppose- does not always correlate with what the animal kingdom's inhabitants might do," A2 explained for both of the S-types benefit.
Sebastian nodded slowly in understanding, putting aside the data for another day, while 9S stammered and continued to suffer from overheated systems in his cheeks.
"What up, nerds?" Jackass called out from the top of the steps, descending as if she were a regal queen, and not the drug lord she actually was. She tossed a vial full of glowing purple goo up into the air and then caught it, before lobbing it at A2.
The A-type's superior reflexes made catching the item an easy task. She frowned at the cavalier attitude from the female Resistance android.
"I wish you would not act so flippant about Alexander's medicine," she said, a hint of steel in her tone. She then carefully inserted the vial into a medical syringe and pressed the injector against Alexander's left heel. He let out a whimper as the needle jabbed him, the vaccines flooding his bloodstream.
"Relax, I knew you'd catch it," she said with a laugh. She then turned her one good eye onto 9S and smirked. "So, do anything nasty last night? You two got home pretty late, after all! Did you perhaps manage to remove that rod from up 2B's ass, and replace it with one of your own?"
"NO! Why is everyone so crass about what happened last night?! It was a friendly outing, not an event of debauchery!" 9S cried, falling to his knees as comically oversized holographic tears poured down from his face.
Everyone deadpanned, gaining a holographic sweat drop over their head. They weren't sure how 9S had convinced them all to install the 'Emote Mod,' but he had, and now they had to live with it. God help them all.
"Come on, kid, the only kind of night on the town is one that ends in 'debauchery.' Why, back in the day, I would take White out for a spin, and we'd totally break all the rules about fraternization! Damn, she was a kinky minx…" Jackass said, gaze drifting back into the distant past.
"Wait, White? As in, Commander White? As in, the commander of the Bunker and all YoRHa forces in the world?" 9S asked, looking up at Jackass in shock.
"Oh, yeah. Way before she got the job she and I fought side by side in the 11th Machine War. She was just an ordinary C-type YoRHa android, one of the first, and I was a run-of-the-mill Resistance member with a fondness for explosions and science. You know how they say opposites attract? Well, we attracted, all right. All the time. All day, every day…" a perverted giggled escaped the mad scientist, and everyone did their best to move out of the way in case her perversion managed to infect their own systems.
A2 sighed at the antics and looked back to Alexander, who was playing on the floor with wooden blocks Sebastian had carved for him. Letters were on each side, so that the last human could form words and learn to read and write from an early age.
"Bla!" Alexander said, raising one of the blocks up to his mother.
"Yes, indeed, that is a block. Can you say 'block?'" A2 asked sweetly.
Alexander thought it over before nodding. "Bla! Bla!" He waved the wooden toy around and A2 giggled softly.
"Alright, then. 'bla' indeed. Can you say anything else? How about 'mama?'"
Again, the baby mulled it over before shaking his head. "Ubba!"
"Ubba? Oh, do you want Uncle 9S?"
"Ubba!"
The S-type dutifully walked over as his 'name' was called out, and he scooped up the growing infant.
"Oof, you're getting heavy! Look at you with all this pudge!" the shota android said, tickling Alexander's tummy. He gurgled in joy.
"Ubba! Wan abba!"
"Seems like he wants 'Auntie' 2B, now," 9S chuckled. "Sorry, little guy, but she's still asleep. Maybe later."
"Ugg?" Alexander then asked, scrunching his face up in thought.
"Come on, I'm not that ugly, am I?" Emil wept as he heard the baby's name for him.
"You are kind of gnarly," Jackass said without mercy, eyeing the bizarre skull-face the ancient being possessed. "Like the hideous love-child of a skeleton and a machine."
Emil whimpered sadly before rolling over to 9S's side. He then grinned down at the baby who waved his hands up at the scooter bound entity.
"Want to hold him?" 9S offered, but he was quickly turned down.
"No, not yet. I haven't finished building a new set of arms. The ones I previously had were getting rusty, and with how fast Alexander is growing, I'd hate to see him get hurt if my arms snapped off from the weight."
"Yeah, probably for the best," 9S agreed, passing the baby back to A2 who took him gladly.
"POD 153! Where's Alexander's milk?" she called out.
"Attention: Mixing process complete. Milk Formula is on the way," the POD announced, flying out of the kitchen with a bottle of baby formula in one hand. "Caution: This is the last of the preserved powdered milk. All that remains is Two days' worth of fresh goat's milk."
"Well, it's a good thing the Food Processor will be up and running by tomorrow, then," Hatchet called out. There was a clunk and a fizzling sound, before a whine filled the living room. "Make that by dinner time! Sebastian, quick, pass me a Talos Circuit Melder!"
The engineer's son rushed over with the requested tool, and soon the whine became a hum. Hatchet sighed in relief, and smiled before getting back to work.
"Excellent. Here you go, Alexander. Drink up, and tomorrow you can have something else just as tasty!" A2 declared. The baby happily grasped the bottle and began sucking for all he was worth.
In a few minutes the meal was over, and A2 proceeded to burb the infant.
"Now, what do we say when we burp?" A2 asked. Alexander laughed.
"Urp!"
"No, we say 'excuse me,'" after burping," the motherly android scolded. "Isn't that right, 9S?"
"Absolutely! All the human guides on manners, common courtesy and etiquette state one should always say 'excuse me.' It's polite."
"Ebba-bet?"
"Close," 9S said with a fond smile.
Alexander then looked around at everyone, smiling. "Ubba!"
"Yes, I'm your 'uncle,' I suppose. Can you say 'mama?' I know she'd loved to hear it," 9S said, trying to cajole the baby into speaking.
Baby Alexander's face took on a pensive look, and he narrowed his eyes in concentration. He swept his gaze over the group that was watching him and opened his mouth to speak.
"Come on, say 'mama,'" A2 all but begged under her breath.
His lips twisted as he tried to shape the word he wanted to say.
"Come on!" A2 whispered eagerly, smiling widely.
Centuries of experience was suddenly shouting at Emil that something was about to happen. The skull-boy looked around in a panic, confused as to why his danger senses, honed by age and a touch of magic, were screaming at him.
"Jackass!"
Utter silence. Emil swore he could hear the sound of glass shattering in the distance for some reason.
Alexander just wore a happy smile, arms stretched out towards the android in question.
Stiffly, A2 passed the infant over to 9S who took him and quickly stepped out of the firing line. Jackass wanted to run, but there was nowhere to hide that this crazy mother wouldn't find her.
A2 loomed over the trembling Resistance android. "Your name is Jaqueline."
"Pardon?" Jackass -now Jaqueline- inquired, confused.
"My son's first words were a swear word. A dirty, filthy swear word."
"Um, actually, he was saying my name…" she began, only to cut herself off when a murderous glint entered A2's eyes.
"His. First. Words. Were. A. Swear. Not. A. Name." She leaned in close. "Am I understood, Jaqueline?"
"Yes, ma'am! Crystal, ma'am! My name is Jaqueline, ma'am! Not Jackass, ma'am!" she cried, snapping a salute.
A beatific smile crossed over A2' face. "Wonderful. Now, I have to punish you for teaching my son a bad word."
"WHAT?!"
"9S, what was the most common way humans would discipline people with bad mouths?"
"Well, um, normally the offender would have his mouth washed with soap, as a sort of symbolic cleansing act," 9S said slowly, utterly terrified for his life. This was not A2, the loving mother hen of the group anymore. This was A2, YoRHa's longest active Most Wanted criminal, and the most powerful android alive.
"But, um, usually this punishment was reserved for children and not adults," 9S mentioned.
"Oh, that's fine. Since Jackass taught an innocent child such a naughty thing, it's only fair she receive the child's punishment for speaking the swear word. Isn't that right?"
"Noooo!" Jaqueline cried, trying to run. A hand latched onto her shoulder and the Resistance android felt the metal in her body creak and warp from the sudden force.
"I think we have some dish soap somewhere in the kitchen…" A2 muttered to herself as she dragged the mad scientist away.
"Why, God?! Why did you let your humans build us with taste receptors?!" Jaqueline wept as she and her captor disappeared into the depths of the house.
Once more, utter silence fell upon the living room. It was broken by cute, childish giggles.
"Jackass!"
"ARGH!" a strangled scream erupted from the distance.
"What's with all the racket?"
Heads turned as 2B appeared, walking down the stairs. She looked around, confused by the faces that looked like they were suffering from PTSD.
"So, what did I miss?"
"Jackass!"
"No, please, no mo-rrggglp!"