Carlisle
He'd been worrying about the congress in Seattle since he knew he had to attend. Had to was the wrong word, but it would be very difficult to come up with an excuse.
It was not so much the fear for Lily, he knew that she was in good hands and Alice, Rosalie and Emmett promised him dearly that they would take care of her. Jasper stayed away from the hospital as best he could, as if the smell wasn't bad enough so the variety emotions that were in there were unbearable for him.
No, he didn't necessarily worry about Lily.
He was worried about himself.
He was already having a hard time driving home after his shift, what should he do when he was in another city for several days in a row?
Her scent, her voice, her heartbeat, her eyes, everything about her attracted him like the moth to the light and left behind a dependency in his heart that he could not or did not want to fight.
Even in the night shifts he sneaked into her room as often as he could and watched with fascination this creature, that he thought to be a mere hoax.
It was always the same.
He would wrestle with himself and eventually give in. Most of the time his facade crumbled when he heard her whisper his name in his sleep. Carlisle would do anything to know what she was dreaming.
Whether it was a good or a bad dream. But she didn't smell of fear, on the contrary.
Carlisle didn't want to think about what she smelled, the prospect was too tempting.
Eventually he would give in to his urge and touch her hand.
The effect was immediate. His fingers tingled and a feeling slowly spread to the tip of his toes. It was kind of a burn, but not uncomfortable.
On the contrary.
It was indescribable.
Carlisle closed his eyes to concentrate even more on the feeling.
It was a sparse moment that he had to take advantage of, he would never dare to touch her like that in the middle of the day and even now he felt guilty that he was abusing her privacy in such a way. But her body was like a magnet, a attraction he could not fight. Not that he wanted to. His hands found their own way to her skin.
Every time he wondered if that was what Rosalie felt about Emmett and Jasper about Alice. Was it this magic, this covenant, this attraction that no one could explain? And how did it affect humans? Did they feel the same?
Surely he could hear her heartbeat every time he was close, when he looked at her or smiled.
If he still had a beating heart, it would make the same tone every time, he was sure of that. But what about the feelings associated with it? This devouring love that permeated him the second he saw her for the first time - or smelled her for the first time. He knew that Bella's blood smelled irresistible to Edward and it costs him all he had not to kill her and it was true, he had similar thoughts at the beginning. Fortunately for him, however, the thirst disappeared so quickly and was replaced by something much more powerful.
The desire for her, her body, her mind.
Everything about her. Carlisle was sure he couldn't hurt her, no matter how good her blood smelled and no matter how hungry he was. The very thought seemed absurd. Of course the monster in him stirred and struggled, but in the end it wasn't about her blood.
At least no longer.
But what did she think?
There were few changes in a vampire's existence. There was the changing and then there was love. He had seen what Emmett had done to Rosalie, his infallible memory recalling the night she had stormed in with the bloodied boy in her arms and begged him to save him.
There were more emotions than he'd ever seen in Rosalie.
She was desperate. Even Edward was shocked.
She immediately fled for fear of losing control and when she came back and they saw each other for the first time, the magic was so tangible that it surprised Carlisle himself. Jasper, a soldier who had spent decades killing, changed the second Alice found him. Immediately he left his old life behind and trusted her blindly.
He never questioned her and tried everything in his power to live up to her trust.
Was it the same with him? Had he changed too? Would Lily change?
Humans were filigree, the diseases they could get alone were innumerable. Her feelings changed, her interests jumped with each phase of life and Carlisle couldn't help but wonder if he was as constant in her life as she was in his.
Or would she lose interest at some point? Was he a mere distraction for her, a flattery? And if she felt something for him, would it last? Would she stay with him, when she learns that he could never give her a family?
Before any of that could happen, he had to start some sort of relationship with her.
But how?
Then Alice came up with an idea and it took Carlisle a few days to get used to it.
He sat impatiently in Seattle and tried to listen to the lecturer as much as possible, but his thoughts were a few kilometers away.
When would Alice give her the cell phone, had she already given it to her?
What if she thought he was too eager?
What if she didn't text him?
Again and again he received looks from female colleagues, shortly after his arrival he received several clearly ambiguous offers which he politely but firmly declined. Not only had he always rejected them, there was also the fact that every other woman, whether human or vampire, couldn't even come close to holding a candle to Lily. Her scent was sweeter than any flower and fruit he knew, her eyes were bluer than any ocean he saw and her smile made his petrified heart beat again.
How could anyone keep up with that? It was like gravity, she was everything.
And he knew that would never change. Not for him.
Never.
Again and again he took out his cell phone and stared at it sourly. As if he would be miss a message, as if his supernatural hearing wasn't picking up every vibration from the device, no matter how faint.
He took a deep breath, more as a habit than out of necessity, and looked up front again. He ignored the looks as best he could but slowly they started to bother him. It wasn't their fault, it was less the look than the fact that it came from the wrong person.
What would he give to be in the hospital now, with her. Her heartbeat, the scent of her blood, her hair, her skin surrounded him like a lullaby ... suddenly his cell phone vibrated and he actually gave a slight start.
Expectant and as discreet as he could, he opened the message and sighed inwardly disappointed when he saw who it was from.
Alice.
Text her, now.
He raised an eyebrow. There is no doubt that she saw something.
What should I write?
He had to be careful, he didn't want to scare her off. He waited a few seconds when the answer came
Doesn't matter. But do it quickly.
Thanks Alice. Very helpful, he thought.
He took another deep breath and let his gaze wander around the room. Finally his fingers flicked over the display and he typed the best that he could think of. He narrowed his eyes slightly when he realized how unoriginal it was. But too late. He had already pressed send and hoped it was good enough.
The seconds of waiting were miserable and Carlisle was about to fake the flu and head back to the hospital. He would apologize, he would find an excuse.
He would-
His thoughts were interrupted by a noise and he froze.
He almost didn't dare to look at it, but his curiosity won over. As always, she had something ironic to answer and he loved it. What he didn't like was one word. Dr. Cullen.
He snorted.
It sounded impersonal and wrong, it didn't make any sense.
Why should his soul mate address him with a deserved but falsified title and last name?
He shot back immediately. While the others were having breakfast he lied that he wanted to sleep in and had read the book.
He even teased her.
He loved it.
Again he emphasized his name. Maybe she would give in. In his mind he pictured her lips as she said his name. If it was just as half as good as he imagined it, he would be in heaven.
This time it took several seconds and he tried not to loose his mind. He smirked slightly as he read her text. It was true, he was stuck in Seattle - but he still had the nights. Carlisle got brave.
You forget that we are not in the hospital. And that the congress is terribly boring without you. He had almost pressed the send button when the suddenly emerging courage failed him again. It was too much of a good thing.
Grouchy, he deleted the "without you" and left it at that. Babysteps Carlisle, babysteps.
The answer was a long time coming and for a moment he feared that this time he had really gone too far.
But it came. Carlisle opened it eagerly and laughed out loud.
This earned him puzzled looks from the others, but he didn't care. He thought about what he should write and noticed how the crowd was moving, apparently they had reached the next point and he was just writing the words 4 stars when a former colleague had found him.
"Dr. Cullen! "
Carlisle hit send as fast as he could and put his cell phone away. "Dr. Rampoor. Nice to see you again. "Carlisle squeezed the hand of the older man who looked at him puzzled.
"It's unbelievable what they have in the water in Forks. You haven't aged a day! "
Carlisle laughed embarrassed and tried as best he could to distract the conversation, but the reason behind it stayed in the back of his mind. His appearance was slowly causing a stir, it was only a matter of time before they had to move again.
He had to admit that Alice was right, as always.
The cell phone was a stroke of genius and drove the whole thing in the right direction.
He was confident.
Lily would be released early, he was sure of that. The wounds had all healed, her blood tests were normal and the crutch supported her enough that she could move almost painlessly. In his head he was already going through plans of when to ask her to move in with him. He had to think about a reason. Maybe to help her recovery?
It helped that Alice was in it too.
Alice loved her already.
Similar to Bella, she hadn't seen her coming, but once she were here, she loved her. Even Rosalie was happy for him, he hadn't expected anything else from her. Even if she worried about her humanity, she couldn't dismiss his feelings.
As Bella's birthday approached everyone were sure he would take her with him. He would have done it without thinking, had it not been for the injury.
He knew it would be very difficult to kidnap her from the hospital for one evening and the attention that action would raise were neither good for him nor for her.
After all, in the eyes of the Forks society, he was a man in his mid-thirties who had adopted 5 teenagers with his sister. As if that wasn't strange enough, should he run away with an 18 year old it would completely destroy her reputation. Carlisle was already planning his next background story. Maybe it was more acceptable when he was under 30. He could lie and say that she was 25. That age gap wasn't unusual.
Of course, working as a serious doctor at this age was always a bit difficult. He wished he could take the age he has been stuck at for nearly 400 years. A 23 year old and an 18, almost 19 year old, were perfect.
All his plans and deliberations were thrown overboard the moment Bella cut herself on the paper and Jasper went feral. He threw himself at Jasper with all his might and was grateful that Emmett was holding him too.
Jasper was not to be trifled with, he was a tamed predator, which could always go back to his roots. Jasper had seen and done more than all of them combined, and his fighting experience was terrifying and enviable at the same time. Not exactly for Carlisle, but for Emmett.
Things didn't get better when Edward threw Bella against the wall to get her out of Jasper's reach. The amount of blood was hard to take even for Alice and Esme and soon he was alone with Bella in his office.
He was able to convince Edward to look for Jasper and reassure him, he was sure that Jasper would not listen to anyone else. Alice blamed herself for not having seen it and Bella blamed herself for being ..human.
As soon as Edward was gone he felt Bella's gaze on him. She asked him where his control was coming from and he answered it easily. He just had a lot more time to adjust to this lifestyle than the others. It wasn't an achievement. He had to go through the agony of thirst just like the others, only he simply had more time to do so.
"You seem happy, how is Lily?"
As soon as she uttered her name, a smile broke out on his lips and he felt the happiness in his body.
"Good thank you. I think she will be released soon. "
"And then you are together."
He laughed out loud.
"I hope so, someday, when she wants to."
Bella laughed out loud.
"She definitely wants that, Carlisle."
He looked away from her wound and looked at her questioningly. Did she know Lily?
Bella hesitantly clarified.
"If she's anything like me with Edward, then don't worry about it."
A grin spread across his lips as he saw a blush creeping up her cheeks.
"That's very nice of you, Bella."
Her words stayed with him and he dared to hope that she was right. That there was already a bond between them and that maybe, she felt something too.
Even in his years as a human, he had questioned his existence. Altough his believes gave him some answers, Carlilse coulnd't shake this feeling off. And when he was changed, this question, this search for somewhere to belong only became bigger. He wondered what his purpose was, what future could he have, a mere monster. A misfit. A mistake in gods creation. So he tried to find something to make amends for the deeds of his kind. He became a doctor and he liked to think, that maybe this would save his sould. Maybe if he had healed enough people, saved enough innocent, he would be allowed in heaven. It was a ridicoulus thought, Edward never failed to tell him that, but in his heart, Carlisle couldn't help himself but hope. His family also gave him a reason to do good, to become better and to try harder. He loved them, and there was not a single day, where he didn't thank god for placing them in his life. Well, if he was being honest, he did the placing by changing them.
Edward brought Bella home and although the house was in a bad mood, Carlisle couldn't help but be pleased.
Bella had to know, after all, she was human too. She couldn't be that different.
Bella knew what Edward was, and still loved him, still wanted to be with him. So maybe Lily would accept him too?
When Edward came back it wasn't hard to see what was bothering him. Esme tried to calm him down as best she could, but it didn't work. Carlisle couldn't blame him, he didn't want to know what was going on in his head if it had been Lily. Edward's head shot up immediately.
"And that's the point, Carlisle."
"Edward, don't-"
Alice tried to arbitrate but it was too late.
"What gives us the right to expose them to such danger. James .. today .. is only a fraction of what could have happened. Which almost happened. "
Jasper winced, even if his name wasn't mentioned, it was clear what Edward meant. He didn't blame him, nobody did, except for Jasper himself. He would never have forgiven himself if he actually had done something and Edward didn't know if he would ever have forgiven him.
Carlisle froze.
He knew what Edward meant.
He wanted to leave.
"Edward, you cannot just leave your mate."
Alice's voice was firm and clear. Rosalie and Emmett looked at each other, it was clear they were thinking about how they would feel if they had to part.
"That's different." Edward interrupted her thoughts.
"No its not."
"It is. You saw it Alice. "
All eyes were now on Alice who flinched slightly. Apparently she didn't think Edward had seen that vision.
"What did you see, Alice."
Carlisle's voice was gentle and he looked at her encouragingly, even if he himself felt very different.
"Bella .. in a house with her children."
Rosalie gasped. It was clear that she thought about it, she didn't have to say it.
"But it's just a vision, you know how quickly they change."
"But it's a possibility."
Edward held on to it.
Desperate, he ran his hand through his hair and looked at Carlisle.
"I know you think that way too. I know that you could never take her soul away. "
It was unfair, Edward was appealing to thoughts he had a long time ago. He appealed to his faith.
"Edward, you can't possibly ask Carlisle to leave Lily."
Esme's voice was low and weak, as if she knew she had lost long ago.
"I won't do that. I don't ask anything of any of you. But if you care about Bella and Lily, you will go with me. "
The pain that ran through Carlisle's body was so intense that Jasper gasped. The very thought of leaving her burned like a hot iron through his heart.
How could he leave her?
How could he stay away from her?
What kind of life would he have?
"It's not about you, Carlisle. Think about her life. Of her possibilities. A family, children, security. "
Carlisle's gaze inevitably wandered to Rosalie.
Although there was no longer any hope of such a life for her, she had just as little opportunity in her current existence. Carlisle knew how much she suffered from it. He knew that Emmett was the only thing that made her existence bearable for her.
But he also knew that she would give up everything just to be human again.
He could not do that to her. He would not take her life away.
When he made the decision, it was like all happiness was being taken from him.
Appropriately, he thought of Dementors and the apt description of the books about them. He didn't know how to go on living, he didn't know how to continue to exist, but Edward was right. It wasn't about him. It was about her. Who was he that he robbed her of her future. That he condemned her to this life without being asked.
He withdrew and stared at the pictures in his study for hours. There was no other way. Lily would eventually get to know someone, someone who could offer her a future that he couldn't even think of giving her.
The thought destroyed him.
He was glad that Jasper was hunting with Alice, so he was spared his pain. He knew he was plagued by guilt, but it wasn't just Jasper. It was so much more.
He asked Dr. Snow to take over his rounds and put some excuse in front of it. Then he handed in his resignation, giving a new post in Boston as a reason.
It didn't surprise anyone that he left.
The bigger surprise had been back then that someone with his reputation came to such a small town. His excuse was accepted without further ado and he cleared his office. It cost him everything he had not to just storm into her room, apologize and kidnap her.
Bring her somewhere.
It did not matter where.
With her at his side, he would be happy.
But Edward was right. She deserved so much more than him.
He had to say goodbye, it was something he just had to do.
When he stood in front of her room, he stopped.
The scent that came out of it was enough to overwhelm him and it actually took him a few seconds to pull himself together.
She was just packing her backpack, there was hardly anything in it except for his books and clothes that were brought to her.
She noticed his presence immediately and when she turned around he froze. Her blue-green eyes were dull and cautious. Her gaze was petrified and showed no emotion.
It scared him.
"Last day?"
His voice was forced and cold. He hated himself for it. He hated himself for the pain he would cause her, he hated himself for the time he actually thought he had a chance with her.
"I wanted to say goodbye."
Her puzzled look gave him a blow. Apparently she hadn't heard it yet. Carlisle didn't know if it made matters worse or better.
"I've been offered a new job in Boston, we'll be leaving tomorrow."
He spoke down his lie without any emotion.
"Ok."
He heard her heartbeat and he pounded his brain with every beat.
He heard the pain, he could feel it himself.
His fingers twitched.
He tried desperately for a possibility, but he always came to the same conclusion.
In the end, she was better off without him.
But maybe if she asked him to stay, if she wanted to come with him, then it wouldn't be such a crime to give in. What was he supposed to do, he couldn't refuse her any wish and if it was her wish to be damned with him for all eternity, what should he do about it. He waited expectantly, but nothing came.
It broke his heart.
He should turn around and was about to leave.
He was supposed to just disappear and never come back before he did something stupid, but just as he was about to turn around, he heard his own voice.
"You can keep the books and the cell phone, of course. I would be very happy to hear from you and your recovery."
He knew Edward would be angry.
It was completely supid to let the contact continue.
Sooner or later it would mean that he would come back to her. She would never have the opportunity to get over him and yet he said the words aloud and he couldn't help but sincerely hope that she would get in touch with him. That she would ask him if he was coming back or where he was or if he wanted to meet.
And he would give hin. Surely no one could expect from him to say no to her.
He looked at the full lips that had been staring at him for months full of promise. He had never touched it, never tasted it. And never will.
Maybe it was better that way, maybe it was just getting through something you didn't know. But no matter what he told himself, he would never get over her.
There were enough examples.
Marcus.
His broken heart ached like on the first day he lost his mate. Carlisle would feel the pain and love he felt for Lily with the same intensity until his last day.
That he was sure of it.
She nodded and turned away again. That was his sign that he should go. He struggled, and to his surprise, his legs even obeyed him. Every step further away from her felt wrong, like his body knew it wasn't right. The monster in him yelled at him, it protested and screamed at him that he was going in the wrong direction and he could only agree with it but he had to do it. For her.
It was by far the hardest thing he had ever done.
Fortunately for him, he was called to a patient, he had no idea who he was. His thoughts were somewhere else and when he was done with the patient, his feet steered back exactly to the room where he shouldn't be.
The room still smelled of her, it was like she was still here. The books were on the table and the cell phone on top. Carlisle grimaced in pain and clenched his fists.
He heard the crack of his skin under the immense pressure but he didn't feel it.
He felt just one kind of pain. And it was the worst.
Immediately he turned and walked as fast as he could without attracting attention to the entrance hall. Even in the midst of the people he could hear her heartbeat.
Her scent was unmistakable and had the same siren effect as ever. She punched in a number on the counter phone and told a nurse that she wouldn't need a taxi because her father was coming to get her. She held the phone to her ear. Carlisle heard a voice say that the number did not exist and stopped. Lily's eyes flickered slightly and the nurse looked at her expectantly.
"Yes, dad? Can you pick me up? Is OK. Thanks!"
She hung up the phone herself and thanked the nurse.
Why did she lie? Why wasn't the number working?
Carlisle was seized with an anger that he could hardly control. She needed the crutch and still had a backpack that was admittedly almost empty but nevertheless it was a crime to not take care of her.
She hadn't noticed him and he was glad about it, even if he wished nothing more than to feel her gaze on him. But he knew that he couldn't bear to see the disappointment in it. It wasn't that. Her gaze had been devoid of emotion and he was sure that even if she turned her blue-green eyes on him, he would be staring at a blank pit of disappointment.
"Dr. Cullen? "
He registered the voice too late and took several seconds to tear his gaze away from Lily.
"Yes?"
"Mrs. Foster is now ready. "
He nodded absently. He gave her one last look as she went outside and stood in front of the hospital, until he finally turned around and followed the nurse.
The second Lily left the building, it was as if she had taken Carlisle inner being with her. He felt numb, alone, and incomplete.
It was a feeling he had never felt in his almost 400 years in this world and it was terrible. It was simply not worth living and he could only pray to God that she would not feel anything like it. He kept telling himself it was for her best. That it wasn't about his pain, but about her life. About her future, her possibilities, her life.
He crawled into his office and cleaned up the last things, he didn't have much.
That was his lifestyle, there was no point in settling down properly if they had to flee the city. He blocked out the voices around him, except for the moment when a certain name was mentioned.
"Anna said she saw her go."
"Where?"
"On the road towards Bogachiel."
"Alone?"
"Yes, poor thing. I wonder where she is going. "
"Maybe to her father?"
There was a dissapproving huff.
"To this useless drunkard? I don't think so. Also, Chief Swan has been looking for him for months. Nobody knows where he is. "
"Well the Johnsons will take care of her."
"As far as I know, they live in Beaver."
"Hrm .. weird."
"Susan? Could you give me a hand, please? "
The voice of Dr. Snow pulled him out of his trance and he dared not breathe. The information bored into his petrified flesh and his mind raced. Suddenly an anger ran through him that he did not know before.
She was his mate, his soul, and trotted down a street alone.
Alone.
Defenseless.
Anything could happen.
And it was his fault.
He hadn't protected her.
He hadn't saved the only important thing in his existence.
In that second he made a decision.
Maybe it was the wrong one, maybe it was selfish and probably he would definitely go to hell now, but he didn't care.
His thoughts were interrupted by his cell phone and he considered simply ignoring it. Alice had probably seen his decision and Edward would now try to change his mind.
But he couldn't.
Bella and Lily weren't the same, not even close.
Bella had a father who looked after her, a room in a warm house. Friends and family. In an emergency, she could go back to her mother in Phoenix. Or Florida.
Lily didn't have anyone.
Carlisle's expression turned serious.
She had him.
And he would stay by her side until she send him away.
Eventually the caller gave up and heard a single vibration.
Emmett followed her south of the Bogachiel River.
Carlisle knew that this was very close to the Quileute reservate, probably already in it, but it didn't stop him. Nothing could keep him away from her, least of all a hundred-year-old pact.
The only thing he was thinking about now was whether she could forgive him and - would she accept his being or run away screaming.
He left everything behind, his colleagues would certainly have no problem with it if he said goodbye at another time.
"Dr. Snow, could you take over for me? I still have a few things to take care of."
His voice was velvety as usual, but his face showed a different emotion. There was no doubt that that was not a question.
The man looked at him wide-eyed and Carlisle could smell the adrenaline pumping through his veins. His instincts warned him of Carlisle, identifying him as the danger he really was. He had know idea, of course, but his intuition screamed to him.
It was a first.
Carlisle always tried bis best to be unsuspicious and harmless and always suceeded. Even with his kind, he was never the threat of the family. They would watch Emmett and Jasper, follow them with wary eyes. He would wear soothing colors, like baby blue or pink, always talk in a calm and deep voice and kept his distance. But now he could not contain himself. Snow nodded his head and instinctively took a step back. He was scared, altough Carlisle was sure that he still did not know why but he didn't have time to repair the damage and just thanked him as politely as he could. Just as he was out the door, his cell phone vibrated again.
Take the car.
Alice was right, of course, that it would be noticed should his Mercedes stay here - especially after he said he still had things to do.
Sullenly, he sat down in the limo.
It cost him time and it was harder to follow Lily's scent. He raced down the street to the river with a window open. It had started to rain again and he could feel himself getting more and more soaked. The autumn showed an uncomfortable temperature and the sun slowly disappeared behind the wooded hills that surrounded the area.
He stopped his car when he noticed Emmett's scent and hurried over to him. As usual he looked at him with a playful expression.
"It was Rosalie's idea."
He said proudly, pointing to the disinterested being next to him. Emmett sounded like a proud mother and he put a heavy arm around her.
"Where is she?"
He could smell her, but they were too deep in the forest to see where she was.
Emmett pointed in one direction.
"Over there. I repaired the roof when she fetched water. "
His chest swelled with pride and he was standing a little straighter and Carlisle felt a wave of gratitude. He nodded kindly to Emmett and Rosalie.
"Thank you."
He turned his gaze to the direction Emmett had pointed.
"She is hungry. We'll get something to eat. "
Rosalie's voice was hard and cold, but Carlisle could hear the hidden tone underneath. Deep down, her heart was at least as big as Esme's, even if she didn't want to admit it.
"Well then ... go get her Pops."
Emmett patted Carlisle on the back with his huge paw and disappeared.
Carlsile took a deep breath. Her scent had the expected effect on him and he immediately calmed down. The blind urge to come to her was slowly weakening and replaced by something else.
Anxiety.
In his nearly 400 years, he couldn't remember the last time he felt such fear. The fear of rejection. He didn't know how to bear it if she should send him away.
What life would he have then? What would his existence be worth if he were never happy?