Carlisle
Carlisle Cullen was the perfect example of self control.
You'd think it was his gift. His strength that he possessed, a talent, a power, a trait that was enhanced due to his transormation.
As a human, he had kept his thoughts about his father to himself. When he was bitten, he held back the screams that tried to escape his throat and remained silent, and when he was finally a vampire, he didn't bite a single human- no matter how much his body burned with thirst.
You could also think that after more than three centuries as a vampire, Carlisle has seen everything there was to see. That he was prepared for everything, that nothing could surprise him anymore. That his supernatural reflexes, his heightened senses and his sheer strength prepared him for every imaginable situation. He had seen so much, how could there be anything to suprise him?
You could also think that as a doctor who has been on duty for over 250 years, he has seen a myriad of injuries, wounds, illnesses and deaths. That nothing shook him anymore, that he never felt helpless and at a loss or overwhelmed. Sure, the brokes fates before him moved him, his heart broke for every one of them. But in the end he knew that it was lifes way, as unfair as it sometimes was. He could just try to do good, to make it better but at the same time, he could not save everybody. It took sometime for him to come to terms with that. That "saving" not necessarily meant, that his patients would continue their existence. That sometimes "saving" just meant, to be there for them and try to help and easy the pain. And it was hard, it was extremly hard. Edward always reminded him, that the world is not his to be saved and that he has done more good than most of the people. So he had to accept that and he had.
So one could say, that Carlisle Cullen knew what he was and what he wanted to do.
At least until one evening when the doors to the emergency room swung open and a bleeding young woman was brought in.
Until the moment when he had caught her scent.
He had never smelled anything like it.
The scent absorbed him, it penetrated every fiber of his being and numbed his senses. He automatically followed it and when he saw her, everything changed. It sounded cheesy bit it was true.
His life, his plan, his lifes work, his control, everything he thought he was crumbled.
She was every bit of an artpiece. The renaissance painters could only wish to capture something so beautiful and flawless as this human being. No, she was no human. She had to be a goddess. But she was hurt, how could that be? How cruel was fate to bring her so much pain, surely a creature like her couldn't deserve it. He could save her. No. He would save her. He could be the knight in shining armour for her. But he wasn't He was the villain. Damned to hell for certain. The devil himself was waiting for his kind, that he was sure of.
But even thought he knew perfectly well what he was, there was no option.
He had to go to her.
It was no longer a decision, it was a fact. He had no choice and if he would have one, he would act the same, he was sure of it.
Since that moment everything was different.
He was different.
He knew from Rosalie that meeting ones mate could change a vampire completely. He knew how important this event was. He saw Jasper and Alice, Rosalie and Emmett and so many other couples in his existence, studied them, watched them, but still, nothing had prepared him for her.
That yound woman crashed into his life like a natural disaster and he could nothing do than watch.
Carlisle Cullen saw himself as someone who thought before speaking up, who acted deliberately and was careful. Who always saw things rationally, wanted to explain them. He wanted to see the science behind it, he wanted to learn, explain, research.
But suddenly he was facing something that he could not explain nor understand. Something that he couldn't control or even determine.
Thoughts and feelings crawled up his veins, came out of nowhere, yelling and begging him to do things he couldn't say aloud.
Patients were a big taboo for him, not that he was ever interested or even thought about them in such ways. But it was one of the many rules by which he lived his existence. And yet he caught himself listening to her heartbeat for hours. Her even breaths. The rustling of the sheets when she moved in her sleep. It was only thanks to his senses that he never got caught. And he didn't even feel guilty, at least not for long, his longing always got the best of him.
Suddenly his work no longer fulfilled him, at least not the way it used to.
There was something else, far more powerful, more promising, more tempting.
When he was with her, he was in trance and when he wasn't with her, he counted the seconds until he could get close to her again. For months it was the only goal he had.
To be close to her.
The thought of her recovery made him happy, of course he was happy for her, but it also made him incredibly sad. The thought of not being able to see her every day, not being able to just get close to her, to touch her, was almost unbearable for him and with each passing day his despair grew.
Their closeness alone had so much power over him, triggered feelings in him that he did not know before and he didn't just ask himself once what could be better than that. What could be better than her scent in his nose and her heartbeat in his ears.
Until the moment when his self-control was completely washed away by the rain.
He felt her lips on his and suddenly each of his nerve endings was on fire. It was reminiscent of the transformation, only it wasn't painful.
It was just intense.
It was engaging, it was intoxicating, it was delicate, it was far too much and at the same time far too little.
As if that weren't enough, he felt her soft and warm body against his.
It felt like he had died and had come back to life. Like his heart, that had been frozen for centuries now, started to pound again. Like his blood, used and devoured by his cells long ago, had suddenly reappaered and rushed excited through his veins.
Edward had said that he was the lion and Bella was the lamb, waiting to be devoured by him. The analogy was quite obvious but suddenly, he didn't felt like the lion. He felt like the lamb. He felt like the prey, hunted by her eyes, lips and scent. And like a deer in the headlighs, he just could not move.
Every curve, every hollow, everything was perfectly adapted to his body. Her scent, her taste, the feeling of her skin on his, her warmth - all of this triggered a whole new sensation in him.
He felt complete.
For the first time in his existence he felt complete. Like he had found something he didn't know he was looking for.
In that moment he knew the feeling had burned into his petrified flesh. That he wouldn't just think about it, reminisce about it, he would feel it, he would live it. He would never forget it, millennia could pass and he would still know exactly how her body had felt. How her scent smelled. How soft her skin was.
It suddenly seemed completely absurd that he had actually intended to leave her. That he had even considered existing without her.
What had he been thinking?
He was hers.
He had waited centuries for this.
For her.
He would burn the whole world to the ground, if the fire would warm her. A thought that troubled him, even scared him. But there was nothing he could do about it.
All the self-control in this world could not have kept him from her in the long run. His control didn't last even a day. No matter how Edward tried to reason with him, that she had a future, a chance, an option. Now he selfishly wanted her for himself.
And so he stared at this creature, which for him was a single mystery, how it was wrapped in two heavy blankets and looking through the bag for food.
It was heartbreakingly adorable.
"Well, at least I can cross kissing in the rain off my list."
Her voice was light and easy, and Carlisle liked to convince himself that he was the reason. That he didn't only bring her pain and heartbreak. How could he even do that to her.
Her.
His fate.
His everything.
He shook off the thought, there was no point in sulking, especially not when he was with her.
His mouth curled up in a smile and he moved the chair closer to her bed. Carefully he pulled the blanket over her shoulders and noticed with satisfaction how her heartbeat suddenly quickened.
"Yes? What else does that list say?"
He couldn't take his eyes off her and wondered if she was uncomfortable under his stare. Although a gentle blush spread over her cheeks, a sight he would surely never get enough of, but she didn't seem very stressed.
She shrugged and the mountain of blankets rose and fell with the movement of her shoulders. He could feel her body warm up again.
For the first time he felt his own coldness and cursed it. He hated it. His unnatural being. He was not even able to warm up his own mate.
"It's a pretty long list."
She was still looking at the sandwich Rosalie had brought and took a big bite. His gaze followed her and his smile only widened.
Her appetite calmed and fascinated him at the same time. Admittedly there was nothing tempting about the food, on the contrary, but if she had appetite, she was healing again and getting better.
"We have a lot of time."
He saw her eyes widen briefly but she didn't seem to comment.
Immediately he frowned.
Did she doubt him? How could she? How could she not have noticed what she was doing to him? How could she not feel what her presence was doing to him? Did she not know that without her there was no him?
He automatically grabbed a corner of the blanket and played with it. There was no direct contact, but it had to be enough. It gave him a reason to get closer and he felt his eyes darken. He averted his gaze and collected himself briefly.
He didn't want to rush anything - no matter what just happened outside. He couldn't lose control again, no matter how hard it was. He mustn't scare her off.
"So."
Immediately his eyes went up. Her blue eyes glared curiously at him. It was so easy to get lost in them. Too easy. Oceans, nightskys, nothern lights, lakes, there was nothing that could compare with the sight before him.
He cleared his throat.
"So?"
"Vampire huh?"
She said it so casual that he giggled.
He giggled.
He didn't know the last time he giggled.
Or when was the last time he felt so ... content.
Probably never.
Her gaze changed slightly and she watched him. He cocked his head, even if he could hardly wait, he urged himself to be patient and give her space.
"How old are you actually?"
Again he played with the corner of the blanket. A movement to soothe his nerves and keeping him from doing foolish things. Like falling in love with a human. Well... that had worked well..
Would she be afraid of him if she found out his age? Would she think differently of him? She was so .. young. Yes, they were close in age, only one or two years between them. A few years and a few centuries. She was so wild, so full of energy and chances.
She still had so much ahead of her. So many options. He on the other hand, had nothing.
Carlisle always thought that he already lived through every stage of his life, even death. He was a closed case.
But suddenly it didn't feel that way anymore. On the contrary. When he was with her, he forgot what he was for a moment. He forgot the monster that stared back at him in the mirror. He forgot the almost 400 years of existence and felt again like a 23 year old young man who had fallen head over heels in love with a girl almost his age.
Completely normal.
"Well I guess I am around 375 years old."
The look on her face was almost funny and Carlisle huffed his laugh. Her eyes were wide and she was staring at him in shock. He had to do something, say something that would make their love story innocent again.
"I was transformed when I was around 23 years old."
She nodded relived and went on eating. A good sign, Carlisle thought. He could almost feel her interest and was excited about her next question. She was so fascinating, so full of surprises. He never knew what she was thinking and altough he was wary and scared that he could put her off, he longed for more.
"And I'm your ... mate?"
She pronounced the word carefully, as if giving him the chance to correct her.
Well he could.
Soulmate, Love, Fate, Happiness.
She was so much more than his mate.
But for now the word was enough, so he nodded and watched her closely.
It was incredible that she reacted so calmly, but he knew from Edward that Bella had shown no trace of fear either. Maybe it was their bond, maybe her body knew that he was no danger to her, even though he was the greatest predator of all.
"How .. does this happen?"
He thought about her question. It was a something to which he hardly had a satisfactory answer himself.
"At first sight I guess."
She raised a delicate brow and he felt his stomach contract. A feeling that was of course impossible, but he had felt a lot of things since he had met her that were actually impossible.
"We don't know exactly how it works. Some say it's fate."
"Love at first sight?"
"Something like that."
He could see that she was not satisfied, so he elaborate.
"I know it's not common for humans, but it's actually quite normal for vampires. Vampires know right away that they are meant for each other. Maybe it's a gift from God that we're not alone for all eternity. "
"Alone? But you do have a family?"
"I was alone for a long time, it took me quite a while to come to terms with my ... existence. And it took even longer to find someone who shared my believes."
He left out how Edward exactly joined him. It was a topic he would certainly share with her one day, but he didn't want to test his luck just right now. Telling her that he more or less created his own family was something he should problably not discuss in the beginning.
Her face became sad and Carlisle wanted to take the sadness away immediately. Even if her grief was for his sake, it hurt. His hand found her knee and the touch literally burned. His fingertips tingled and twitched, but the feeling was too good to give up.
"I mean .. please don't take it the wrong way but .. why me? I'm not a vampire, I'm just human. Even worse. Damaged goods."
She laughed a joyless laugh and it broke his heart. How could she assume for a second that she was anything but perfect to him?
"You're perfect."
"Ha. Certainly not."
"For me you are."
He stared at her as she avoided his gaze. Was it so hard for her to imagine that she was perfect to him?
"It took me a lot of strength to stay away from you. I tried my best, but in the end I just couldn't."
It took a few seconds for her to understand that he wasn't just referring to the fake job in Boston.
"What do you mean ?"
He let his gaze wander around the room.
He felt unsure. Would he disgust her? Would she be scared? Would she get mad?
"I've been watching you. Quite often. Very often."
She narrowed her eyes and he could see the wheels turning in her head.
"When you were sleeping."
"When I was sleeping? Why?"
"As I said, it was difficult not to be close to you. Very difficult."
His thumb made idle circles on her knee and he heard her heartbeat twitch. Her scent changed slightly and he closed his eyes with relish.
It was heaven.
"You have to understand.."
He broke off and swallowed the poison that had collected in his mouth.
He looked her straight in the eye and knew that his eyes were dark.
"You have to understand that I've never experienced this before. When I smelled your scent, I was completely taken by suprise. Nothing had ever smelled so good to me and when I looked at you for the first time .. I knew it. I knew you were my mate. "
"You never had a mate before?"
He felt his face twist into a perplexed mask.
Never a mate before? Didn't she understand how absolutely unique she was? Suddenly he no longer wished for Edward's gift, he wanted her to have it. Maybe then she would understand what her existence meant to him.
Immediately he shook his head and looked at her seriously.
"Something like this only happens once in our existence."
Lily gasped and Carlisle feared that she had finally scared her off, but to his surprise she sat still.
"Once? But what if I ..."
die.
Just the thought tore him apart. It tore his petrified heart and constricted his throat. He squeezed his eyes shut and didn't open them until he felt a warm hand on his cheek. The touch took away the pain and a warmth spread through his body.
Timidly he opened his eyes and looked into two oceans.
He drowned in them.
Automatically he leaned into her hand and turned his head slightly so that his lips touched her palms. She sighed and he saw her close her eyes again.
Drunk with a courage whose origins he did not know, he leaned towards her.
They sat so close that he could easily touch her cheek with the tip of his nose. Carefully he pressed against it and closed his eyes again. Every touch overwhelmed him and yet he always wanted more. It was never enough. Finally she took a deep breath and he felt her warm breath on his cheek.
"So."
He leaned back a little to look at her and noticed how her body followed his. Grinning, he nudged her again with his nose.
"So?"
He looked at her questioningly. What was next? How could she still surprise him?
She shrugged casually.
"Well... I've always had a thing for older men ."
The smile that spread on his lips was unstoppable.
He felt a happiness in his body that he hadn't thought possible.
She accepted him.
She knew what he was and still accepted him.
He felt the poison in his eyes and blinked. It was as if a heavy load had been taken off his shoulders and he breathed a breath of relief. Her scent enveloped him and he couldn't help but carefully touch her lips with his lips. Her moans electrified him and when she greedily pressed her soft lips to his, he felt a deep rumble from his throat.
The monster inside him rejoiced.
He did it.
His companion was with him, she recognized him for what he was.
Much too soon she broke away from him and he spread countless kisses on her cheek.
The mood changed and he stopped. He looked at her and saw the thoughtful expression on her face.
"What's wrong?"
Even he could hear the fear in his voice and suddenly his eyes were focused.
"Do you remember how Cho Chang kissed Harry?"
He stared at her in disbelief and took a deep breath.
"Yes. Suprisingly I know exactly what you mean."
She was briefly amused by the dry tone in his voice and immediately became serious again.
"I ... I know what I feel when you are with me and I know ... I definitely know how I feel when you are not."
For a moment he felt his guilty conscience, without a doubt she meant the time he kept away from her.
"But?"
She averted her gaze and suddenly she was so far away. As if she were out of reach for him.
It scared him.
Her eyes filled with tears and it broke his dead heart. She swallowed and he touched her cheek. He hoped to give her at least a little comfort without testing her boundaries.
"Alex."
The name was like a bucket of ice-cold water that was tipped over him. It was impossible for vampires but he actually forgot about him for a moment.
The mere thought that his mate's heart still belonged to someone else was worse than any pain he had ever felt.
Suddenly he felt powerless.
How could he figth it? How could he win against a dead man, a human? A human that could have given her a family, a life, a happy ending.
"I understand."
And he did.
Carlisle understood perfectly.
But that didn't mean that it didn't broke his heart.
The helplessness threatened to overwhelm him but suddenly he found new strength.
She gave him that strength. In that second he decided two things- he would never leave her side again and he would make her fall in love with him.
He had to.
He had to trust fate.
It was his only chance.
She was his only chance.