Title: I carry your heart with me
Author: Jessica12
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Colbourne/ Charlotte
Summary: Charlotte and Colbourne's first meeting after the events of season two. You felt him before you saw him. Alexander Colbourne was standing by the doorway looking at you. It felt like his sheer presence altered the temperature in the room.
Note: English is not my first language so spelling/ grammar mistakes may occur.
"I wouldn't say
I've moved on
I wouldn't say I'm close to okay
Or that you no longer fill me
Or no longer stand in my way"
Charlotte's POV
After all this time you thought you would react differently when you saw him again. When you imagined your first meeting you imagined that you could look at him and be indifferent to him. It was nearly six months since you saw him last. It felt like another life. You told yourself you were stronger now, older and wiser. But as you saw him walk into the ballroom that evening you felt something stir inside of you. It scared you at first that this man still held any sway over you. But you told yourself that the emotions he evoked in you were just surprise and nothing else. You told yourself that his attendance wouldn't affect you. You took Ralph's arm and let him escort you to the dance floor for the first dance.
You tried to focus on Ralph as he led you through the first dance. Ralph, who you soon would stand up in church with and plead your utter love and devotion to. But you found your eyes drifting around the room looking for another. For him. For the one person, you had sworn to forget. The shame of your weakness burned in you then. As the music came to an end Ralph smiled at you, escorted you off the dance floor and went to get refreshments.
You felt him before you saw him. Alexander Colbourne was standing by the doorway looking at you. It felt like his sheer presence altered the temperature in the room. A part of you wanted to run as he moved through the crowd of people towards you. But etiquette demanded that you stayed. He stopped before you and bowed. His eyes met yours as he said: "Miss Heywood". He was different. Something was missing in his eyes. "Mister Colbourne". You refused to give him an inch. Maybe it was petty. What had happened was in the past after all and it had just been a mistake. So you should be civil to this man. But his presence reminded you of your weakness. Your weakness of giving your heart to those who didn't give theirs in return. His voice was hoarse as he spoke:
"I hope your family is in good health?"
You wanted him to leave. Just turn around and walk away. He shouldn't be here. So close to you that you could pick up his scent. Those eyes that haunted you for months looking at you now. You straightened your back and said:
"They are all fine, sir". The orchestra announced the next dance. He reached out his hand to you and said those words that you feared the most:
"May I have this dance?"
You should say no. You needed to refuse. But as you stood there looking into the eyes of the man that had brought your world to a standstill you couldn't deny him anything. "You may". You took his hand and let him lead you to the dance floor.
It was a mistake. That was your first thought as you felt his warm hand in yours. The nearness of him flooded your senses. Your body seemed to react and hum as he moved closer to you. You looked up at this mystery of a man and you let yourself remember another night like this. The night he had first danced with you. He had woken something in you then. Maybe it had happened long before that. You didn't know. All you knew was that when he held you that night you came alive. He kissed you that night. As you looked at him now you could still remember the feeling of his lips against you, his body against yours. How his touch made you burn bright and your spirit soar. You were ready to give him everything without hesitation after that. How silly you had been. You had been foolish and weak.
But still, his nearness rattled you. Your body still remembered him. The music came to an end and he held on to you a little longer than was necessary. He moved away from you then and escorted you from the dance floor where Ralph was waiting. You stood beside your future husband and introduced them to each other. As you introduced Ralph as your fiancee, you searched Colbourne's face for some kind of reaction. But you found none. It was stupid to think that information would evoke anything in the man before you. You didn't matter in his world after all. All you were was a distant memory, nothing else. But still, you felt the need to evoke some kind of reaction. So you told him about the wedding and you invited him. His eyes met yours then. For a brief moment, you saw something move across his face and his eyes darkened to reveal something that resembled pain. "I'm happy for the two of you. Miss Heywood. Mister Starling. Goodbye."
He bowed, turned around and walked away.
You stood there and watched him walk away from you. You found yourself wanting to run after him. You wanted him to tell you why you saw pain in his eyes when you told him about your wedding. How could that news evoke such emotion in him? But mostly you wanted him to tell you that he remembered. That he had missed you. That he had felt the same kind of pain as the two of you had parted all those months ago. As you stood there watching him disappear into the crowd the truth of the situation settled inside of you. The truth was that he still owned such a big part of your heart. That you had given him your heart all those months ago and you had never gotten it back. All your struggles to remove him from your heart had been in vain. He had invaded you, creeping into every part of you. It wasn't fair. It felt like your world was tilting on its axis and you had no idea now how to get back to normal. All you knew was that you had to fight now. It was a matter of survival after all.