"It's the sweetest scent."
He kissed her neck and Lily desperately sucked in a breath. His eyelashes tickled her sensitive skin and his cool lips sucked for a second on a spot that made her forget everything around her.
"It was the first thing I noticed."
His voice was now next to her ear and his lips brushed her auricle. Desperate, she squeezed her eyes shut.
It was too much, but she wanted more, she wanted so much more.
"Then I looked at you and suddenly I knew why your scent was that... enticing."
His deep velvet voice put an emphasise on the last word and she could have sworn she never heard anything like it.
The tip of his nose nudged her gently and his lips traveled down her cheek. Suddenly he paused and Lily hated him for it. Her breath came in short puffs and her heart rate was racing.
"Your scent is so irresistible because I belong to you."
She felt his cold lips at the corner of her mouth and automatically turned to him and again he stopped. Only after what felt like an eternity he kissed her and she sighed.
This was the third time he had told her the story, but she still couldn't get enough of it.
And it was always the same. He always emphasized that he belonged to her or that they belonged together.
Never, even once. he said she was his.
Never.
As if she was something he couldn't own.
Something free, noble, wild, untameable. Which, of course, was stupid.
Carlisle had her.
Fully.
Her traiterous body made that all too clear.
It was unfair that his feelings were always kind of buried under his self control. His expression was always calm and kind.
There was nothing in his gaze that would give him away when he spoke with others, his fingertipps never trembled. He was incredible hard to read, at least for humans. He almost always seemed completely unfazed by their closeness while she on the other hand was a heavily breathing, moaning, sweating, whimpering mess.
"That's not fair."
She heard herself moan and she felt his grin against her skin.
"I still have questions and you always distract me."
He pulled back slightly and she immediately followed, not yet ready to break contact.
"Well you get distracted quite easily."
There was a teasing tone in his voice and she loved it. He pressed his forehead to her shoulder and she buried her nose in his golden locks. He smelled so incredibly good. So damn amazingly good.
"Forgive me. So where were we?"
He leaned again towards her but surprisingly she blocked him with a finger on his chest. He let himself be pushed away easily and she didn't want to think about what he could do with her with his superhuman strength. Not that he would ever do somethin she wouldn't want. Well maybe that was the problem.
"Are Bella and Edward mates too?"
A sadness filled his now honey colored eyes for a second. She regretted her question but had to ask it anyway. She knew that Bella and Edward were the reason why Carlisle was so sure that she would be better off without him. It still sounded stupid to her but still, it was so... Carlisle to think that way. And she knew that Edward still was away. It makes her wonder, if she felt Carlisle absence that much, how on earth must Bella feel?
He nodded and she touched his chin. He felt like a statue carved out of marble, incredibly smooth and cool.
"But ... why ... how does he do it?"
Carlisle put his much larger hand over hers and supported himself on the bed with his elbow. At some point during the day he had insisted that her knee would get better a lot faster if she would just lay down. She finally gave in, but with the demand that he would lay down with her. For a second there was an internal battle inside Carlisle, ever the gentleman, but eventually he followed her. Sometimes he was just too decent for his own good.
His gaze was penetrating and his eyes slowly turned back to a darker honey tone, a color she loved.
"He believes she is better off without him."
He said it with a casualness that startled Lily. She knew, that that was his reason too but it just sounded off.
"And what does she think?"
Carlisle became insecure. Apparently he hadn't expected the question. Lily suddenly realized that they apparently hadn't given much thought to what Bella wanted.
"I mean, it's her life after all. If she wants to take the risk, it's her decision."
He averted his gaze and Lily could see that he was thinking differently.
Of course he had agreed with Edward and was problably just ... too Carlisle to really see it from her perspective. Lily wondered, if maybe his centuries as a vampire made him think differently about humans. She knew about his devotion and compassion for his patients, but still he did not ask her either what she had wanted before he left.
"It's hard to understand, but it's different for vampires. She could have changed her minds, human can do that all to easily but we can't. That we feel doesn't change. Never. Until we ... cease to exist."
She raised an eyebrow and avoided his touch as he leaned back in towards her. Surprised, he looked at her with a suprised look on his face.
"I understand that with our short lifespan and fragile body, we don't seem very dependable. But that doesn't mean our feelings are less strong or important."
Immediately he shook his head and looked at her apologetically.
"I didn't mean that, please forgive me."
"What did you mean then?"
Her voice was hard and she knew it.
She could tell from the look on his face that he knew very well that he had maneuvered himself into a mess. He weighed his words carefully, as he always did.
"What I meant was that the decision was more difficult for Edward than for Bella. If he had stayed, he would have stolen her a chance for a normal life, for children, a family."
"Maybe she doesn't want kids, maybe she just wants to be with him."
Lily knew they weren't just talking about Edward and Bella. He eyed her carefully and seemed to be thinking.
"Maybe she thinks like that, but what if she changes her mind and its too late? Could he forgive himself? Robbing her of her future?"
"Well I think she's old enough to make up her own mind and she is not stupid, surely knows what comes with the life with Edward?"
Carlisle averted his gaze. Suddenly he looked older and a bit helpless.
"Of course, she is a very smart young woman. But Alice saw something and Edward heard it. A possibilty. And he could not take that away from her."
Suddenly Lily understood. To patronize someone was one thing but to actually see the proof for that was another.
Could she take away Carlisle's future? His chance of a family, of happiness, of growing old and having grandchildren? What if Alex was still alive? Would she still have chosen a life without that possibilities? Would she have shoved the chance of becoming a mother and raising a family of her own away for Carlilse?
"Has she seen my future too?"
It was more curiosity than anything and she wasn't sure if Carlisle would be telling her the truth. On the other hand, it was Carlisle. The only lie he'd ever told her was the job in Boston, and that lie lasted about 4 hours.
He shook his head and it seemed like he that frustrated him.
"No. There were too many options, Alice couldn't say anything specific."
There was a tone in his voice that made her suspicious. She believed him, but she could hear that he didn't quite believe Alices answer for him.
A question bothered her. Would he have left her if Alice had seen a similar future for her? She was almost sure she knew the answer and still just had to ask.
"Would you have left for sure too? If she had seen something like that?"
He gave her a contemplative look, as if he wasn't sure he was really wanted to get himself into trouble. Finally he sighed. Even now he wouldn't lie.
"Yes. I would."
His voice was so soft as if he thought that the quieter he spoke, the less she would get upset.
But, strangely, she didn't.
Sure the thought that he would just leave her like Edward had left Bella was almost unbearable, but she could understand it.
She got it.
A thought occurred, fleeting and surprising.
Would she still swap places with Alex? Would she still give her life to save him? A question that she would have recently answered with a firm yes now sounded almost comical.
She felt his gaze on her, staring right into her soul. She was glad that Edward was the one who could read minds and not Carlisle.
It wasn't that she felt she had to be hiding something. But she knew how much it hurt him when she talked about Alex.
She didn't want to imagine how much it would hurt him when he heard how often she still thought about Alex. And as she had already noticed, his pain was her pain. It was strange how much she suffered from it. How she was already worried about what would happen if she died. Which she eventually would. Or the thought that he had been alone for so many decades. A pure and gentle soul like him. It broke her heart.
"Are you mad?"
His voice was as soft as a warm summer breeze brushing through the curtains. She shook her head. She wasn't mad. She was sad. She was confused.
"No .. I am .. I don't know."
He cocked his head and she could see he was trying to make sense of her words. She raised her hand and raked through his hair. His golden locks were so soft between her fingertips. She watched his eyelids close and he gleefully pressed his head into her hand. A feeling came. Content. Happiness. Joy. Love?
She made an effort, trying to remember the names of his familymembers. So far she had only met Rosalie and Emmett - well, the two were hard to miss, and Alice. One was a giant and the other to were beautiful. Well Emmett was beautiful too. In a kind of weird way.
"Are Alice and Jasper mates too?"
He seemed relieved and took the bait without hesitation. His eyes immediately brightened and a gentle grin was on his perfect lips.
"Yes."
"And Emmett and Rosalie?"
His grin grew and she suddenly felt an overpowering attraction. She automatically leaned towards him, her body no longer obeying her. He was the light and she was the moth.
"Mmm."
His eyes sparkled and he waited patiently as she came closer.
"What about Esme?"
She stopped in front of his face, the tip of her nose touched his and she inhaled his sweet scent.
He pressed a light kiss on her lips and she immediately closed her eyes.
He took a deep breath and she knew by now that he didn't need to breathe. He only did it to speak or - and the thought made her heart beat faster - to smell.
"Esme and I are very good friends. When I changed her, she was almost dead. Her heartbeat was so weak that the doctor in charge couldn't hear it. When she had changed, I thought ..."
He broke off and seemed to be considering his words.
"I thought she might be my mate. But in the end, she wasn't."
She stared at him.
"You changed her?"
Only now did he notice his mistake. He pulled back and his gaze became cautious.
Lily eyed him, feeling uncomfortable and yet she was curious. Surely a gentle creature like Carlisle could not bite a human?
"You have to know that I .. I would never .. if there had been another way I would never have done it."
His voice sounded desperate and Lily didn't like the feeling of what was expanding inside her.
"What do you mean by another way?"
It was as if she had just realized what he was. As if she had forgotten his nature. His being. His kind. And how such was created.
Carlisle fixed a point behind her. She could see that he was troubled. That he was ashamed and scared.
"When I met Edward, he was more dead than alive. The Spanish flu had left the country with thousands of deaths. Yound and old. His parents already had died. His mother ... I think she kew what I was. She begged me to save him. In hindsight I think she may have thought I was an angel and not.. well not the opposite. "
He paused and his fingertips ran down her upper arm. The touch seemed to calm him down and it also comforted her. Regardless of the topic.
"I've been alone for such a long time. Centuries. In vain I've been looking for vampires who were like me and when I saw him lying there and knew he was going to die. I .."
He broke off again.
"I changed him. I condemned him to this existence."
There was something sinister and dark in his voice.
"You saved him." She intervened. His mood was too dark, too troubled. He did not deserve this feelings.
A joyless smile spread across his red lips, it made her heart ache.
"Far from it, I took his soul from him."
His voice was dull and her heart broke again. She felt his guilt, she felt his self-hatred for what he was and for what he had done.
"Carlisle."
She had to move his head first so he was looking at her and his eyes were sad. She could feel that he had been blaming himself for this for a long time.
"Carlisle. You saved him. Otherwise he would have died."
Again he smiled a sad smile.
"You don't understand, he had died."
Lily understood at that moment that behind his existence, behind the strength and the beauty, the speed and the immortality, there was something much more sinister.
Something that she couldn't understand yet, but something that would become a problem for her.
She was sure of it.