Title: I carry your heart with me
Chapter two - Let the truth sting
"As I sink in the sand
Watch you slip through my hands
Oh, as I die here another day
Cause all I do is cry behind this smile"
Colbourne's Pov
It had been a mistake. You had gone to the ball to prove a point to yourself and the world. That you had changed. That you were stronger. A better man than the man that had left all those months ago. You knew that she might be there. You told yourself that you didn't go to see her. Your attendance was meant as a statement. A new beginning. A new start. Your time away had helped you with leaving your past behind and moving on. You were ready to forget.
Even though you knew she might be there you were not ready when you finally saw her. She shimmered. The reaction to seeing her again was physical. Your chest hurt and you felt sick. You had to stop for a moment and get your bearings again. Your reaction to her simple presence scared you. You had thought that you were better than this. You had fought hard, day after day, to remove everything that reminded you of her from your life. It had been a battle but you had come to a point where your hands couldn't remember how it felt to hold her. You couldn't remember how her body felt against yours, her taste, her smell. You declared yourself the winner. But as you stood there looking at her again all those things you had buried deep within came flooding back. You lingered by the door for a moment trying to calm your heart.
Your eyes met hers then. It felt like a punch in the gut as she looked at you. You tried to read her expression. But she didn't give you anything. You deserved nothing else. You should stay away from her but etiquette demanded differently. So you moved through the crowd towards her with your heart beating so fast. You stopped before her, bowed and said her name. When she looked at you with those eyes that had haunted you for months you found yourself struggling for words. You found yourself wanting to say all those words that were left unsaid. But you couldn't do that to her. She had moved on from you and what had been was a thing of the past. But society's rules demanded that you acknowledge her so you did. You should have left it that. But your need to be close to her again won over you need to keep to the rules laid out when you last saw her. So you asked her to dance. You expected her to come up with an excuse to not dance with you. It was better that way. But you needed her to be the one to walk away because you had no strength left when it came to her. She surprised you by accepting. You took her hand and led her to the dance floor.
Her hand fitted so perfectly in yours. Your whole being seemed to scream out to be near her. You inhaled her scent and took her in as you moved her through the dance. You wanted so much to ask her about your time apart, about her life. But mostly you wanted to say how much you have missed her. That being parted from her had caused you pain. That the one time you had felt alive was in her presence. But you said nothing of that. The time for speaking was much too late. So you just held her and tried not to crumble from the ache in your heart. When the music faded to an end you held on to her a minute longer than necessary. You needed more time. Just a moment longer. It was foolish of course. You let her go and moved away. You escorted her off the dance floor.
At the edge of the dance floor, a man was waiting. He smiled at her with that special smile you reserve for someone close. You understood who the man was long before she explained. She took her place beside the man. You should have been prepared for it. You had heard the news. But a foolish part of you had believed if she didn't say it out loud then maybe it wasn't true. That small glimmer of hope that still burned inside of you died as she told her who the man was to her. In one single moment what was left of your weak, pathetic heart was ground out and spit out. You forced yourself to look at her when she spoke about her upcoming wedding. You met her eyes and you searched her eyes for something. That one thing you could cling to. But she gave you nothing. You wanted to ask her for mercy then. To let your aching heart be. She had caused you irrevocable harm by letting you stand there before the two of them and listen to their plans. It was cruel, even for her. But maybe you deserved it all and so much more. You stood there looking at the one person you had dared to love until the pain got too much to handle. You bid them goodbye, bowed and left. You fled into the darkness of the night. You stood there under the dark sky and you realised that you had lost. All that was left now was to accept defeat. You had to let her go.