Chapter three-

I'm going to stop pretending that I didn't break your heart

"You see her when you close your eyes

Maybe one day, you'll understand why

Everything you touch surely dies"

Colbourne's POV

You shut out the world for days afterwards. You had fought hard to remove everything that reminded you of her. In one night all that you had gained was lost. It wasn't fair. You fled the house you called your home five days after the ball. She was everywhere in that house. Seeing her again had just reminded you of that fact.

You didn't run far. You ran to the cliffs where you once had stopped her from walking out of your life. You told yourself that she had nothing with you returning to that place. You needed to think. You needed to find a way back to yourself again. The truth was that you felt less than yourself since she walked out of your life; like a vital part was missing.

She was standing looking out over the vast ocean. Her back was towards you but you would recognize her shape everywhere. You dismounted your horse and walked towards her. A part of you knew that you should turn around and walk away. It would be better that way for both of you. But a part of you, the weak part, still needed her to know. You couldn't walk through life carrying the knowledge that you never let her know the truth. Maybe it was selfish and cruel. But it felt like you were drowning if you didn't say those things to her just once.

She turned around as you drew closer to her. You stopped then and your eyes met.
She didn't look surprised to see you as she spoke your name:
"Mister Colbourne".
"Miss Heywood."
You searched her eyes for something, anything to latch on to but she gave you nothing. You stood there, taking her in. This woman that held so much power over you. The woman that you now compared anyone else to. The one person you cold not live without.
She straightened her back and said: "I was just leaving."
She moved past you.
You grabbed her hand and said: "Charlotte."
She looked up at you. Her eyes were dark.
"I implore you to not be so informal, Sir."
She emphasized the last words like it was venom in her mouth. You refused to give in.
"I just want to explain..."
"Let go of my hand".
You let go and took a step back.
She started to move away again.
"Please, let me explain."
"You made it quite clear, mister Colbourne. We have nothing left to say to each other. I bid you good day."

She turned and started to walk away.
Desperation made you speak:
"I was wrong."
She stopped then and turned back towards you.
"Don't say that. Not that."
You took a step closer to her.
"I should have..."
She cut you off by shaking her head and saying:
"Stop it. You were the one who..."
Her voice faded to black.

She looked at you with those eyes. You saw mercy in her eyes. She was begging you to be gentle, to not expose healed wounds. Maybe you should let things be. If you had been a better man then maybe you could found the strength to move on. But you were not that man.
"I thought I was doing the right thing for the both of us. I was wrong. I saw it almost immediately. I came that day to..."
"To make amends?"
"Yes."
"So this is about wanting me to excuse your behaviour? To tell you that you are forgiven?"
"I know how I acted, what I said was inexcusable. I regret the pain it caused you. But I can't take it back. Believe me, I wish I could. I didn't come here to make you forgive me. I know it has to be earned. I came here to tell you the truth about me."
"No. I don't want to hear anything you have to say."
She turned to leave once again.
You took a step closer while saying:
"Please..."
She virled back towards you then with eyes brimming with tears not shed.
"I need you to leave and never come back."
The first cut. It sliced through you and made you stop. But you hadn't come this far to go back now.
"I can't do that. Believe me, I wish I could. I have tried. I have done everything to forget. But I can't."
"You don't get to say that. Not that."
She turned her back towards you.
You moved closer to her then.
You should stop. You knew that. But for once in your miserable life, you didn't listen.
"You are everywhere, Charlotte. I went away and I tried to get you out of my system but you are inside of me. I don't know how to stop feeling like this."
"Stop it."
She turned towards you then.
Her eyes seemed to occupy her whole face.
"I'm getting married."
You saw pain in her eyes then. You felt sick for doing this. But you had to.
"I know."
She started to move away from you again.
You saw the desperation in her eyes as she spoke:
"Ralph is a good man. He loves me."
She couldn't know how her words stung you. But you bore it willingly. She took a step back and looked at you.
Her voice was barely a whisper as she spoke again:
"I let you go. You made me let you go."
It cut you and it cut deep.
"Miss Heywood...Charlotte".
You took a step closer to her.
"Why couldn't you just have stayed away?"
"I can't do that. I have tried. But you are everywhere. I don't know how to stop..."
"Why are you saying this to me?"
The bitter truth hung between the two of you like a dark cloud. She didn't believe you.
"I just have to say it. Just once. And I want you to hear it."

For once you needed to let the truth out and let the chips fall where they may. You had carried all those words you had wanted to say to her with you for so long. But most of all you needed to be true to yourself and reach for what you wanted.
So you moved closer to her.
Her eyes met yours.
You saw fear in her eyes then.
Fear of the power your words held. They had the power to shatter her world.
So she begged you then:
"Please, don't."
She put up her hand to stop your forward momentum. Her hand landed on your chest.
You stopped and looked at her.
"I'm not a man that is easily swayed. I thought that I was not capable to feel the way that I feel about you. I thought that part of me had died a long time ago. I tried to deny it for so long. And I have no right to say this to you now..."
Her voice was harsh as she cut you off by saying:
"Don't say it. Think about what you are saying before it's too late to take them back."
Her words sliced through you.
You looked down at her hand that was positioned over your heart.
You wondered if she could feel the pain that poured out of your heart at that moment.
She removed her hand from your chest so fast you would think she had burned herself.

She took one step back, wiped away tears from her eyes with the back of her hand and looked at you.
"I'm soon to be married. I have promised myself to him. We are building a life together."
You moved towards her again.
"Charlotte. Please."
"No, you don't get to do this. Not now. I was fine".
You wanted so desperately to touch her then.
To put your arms around her and reassure her. To say those three words that meant so much. But maybe it was too late. Fear burned in you then.
So you begged.
"Please, I just..."
"You were the one who did this. You did. I would have given you everything. Did you know that?"
Her words landed and squeezed your heart. Her face twisted in pain as she continued:
"When I came to you that day I was ready to tell you that I had fallen in love with you. I wanted to be with you."
Her words twisted the knife in your heart. It felt like you couldn't breathe. She had loved you. And you had crushed her.
"Nothing has ever hurt me so as your words to me that day. You broke my heart. And now you're standing here saying these things to me."
In your desperation, you moved towards her, took her hand and made her look at you.
"Please, tell me how to make it right."
Her eyes were two dark pools as they met yours.
"You have to let me go".
Those words were painful to hear.
You let go of her hand and rested your forehead against hers.
She didn't move away.
Your voice was hoarse as you spoke the truth:
"I can't."
You inhaled her scent, the warmth her body radiated.
As you stood there being so close to the one person that made you feel whole again the truth settled inside of you.
She was right.
Whatever you said or did now would not erase the past.
You would not have your forgiveness.
You would not win her.
All you had to do was accept that fact.

But you needed a little more time. So you closed your eyes and you prayed for the strength now. Then you opened your eyes and framed her face between your hands.
You took her in, every line, every curve.
Then you brushed your lips softly and gently against her.
Just a taste to last you a lifetime.
She shivered under your touch.
Then you let go and took one step back.
You would remember her always.
You tried to smile at her.
But your smile never reached your eyes.
"Goodbye, Charlotte."
Then you walked away from her, climbed back on your horse and rode away.
You didn't look back.