Chapter 5

How to lie to yourself and thereby to everyone else

"And in this empty place a wonder grows
A dream of some kind of peace, I can hold up as true
I never knew anything about love before you".

Ralph's Pov

You considered yourself a simple man.
You knew your place in the order of things.
You were content with your lot in life.
You had your farm.
You had food on the table and clothes on your back.
You would think you would not want anything else.

You remember the first time you saw Charlotte Heywood.
She was walking through a field towards you.
She was dressed in a white summer dress and her hair was down.
She seemed to glow.
The sight of her made you gasp for air.
You had never seen such a beautiful thing.
She walked up to you and asked your name.
You gave it to her with a trembling voice.
Then she graced you with a smile.
It felt like you were staring directly into the sun.
You, that considered yourself a sensible man, lost your heart that day.

That was three years ago.
You had tried hard since then to show her that you were worthy of her.
You had built up the farm to be one of the biggest in the county.
Your name carried weight.
You court carry your head high among the local businessmen.
You crossed paths with Charlotte several times since your first meeting.
Every time you tried to make her notice you.
She had a way of bringing light into every room she entered.
You were enraptured when she danced with you at some of the local balls that were held or when she talked to you and smiled at you.
You had never been good with words.
All you knew was that every part of you wanted her.
You were drawn to her.
She was the one thing that was missing in your life.

So you worked up the courage and asked her father for her hand in marriage.
He gave his consent gladly.
The next day you went to her with the ring your father had given to your mother in your pocket.
You tried to put words to your feelings but you failed at that.
So you went down on one knee and asked her to be yours.
You were not prepared for the pain of rejection.
You had been so convinced that what you were feeling for her was reciprocated.
You retreated and licked your wounds.
But you had never been good with admitting defeat.
You had no illusion when it came to her.
You knew that she didn't love you.
But you thought if you just showed yourself strong and capable than maybe she would let you love her.
You told yourself that it was enough.

She left your little village soon after that with her sister.
You convinced yourself that she would eventually come back.
She just needed a little more time to settle down.
You didn't resent her wanderlust.
You admired it even.
She was in many was braver than you.

You wrote her several letters when she was away.
You wrote about your work, the farm and news from the village.
She politely wrote back.
In her letters she wrote about her daily activities and the town where she stayed.
You never once touched on you proposal in any of the letters you exchanged with her.
You wanted to but you didn't know how to.
A part of you were afraid that you would say the wrong thing and what was growing between the two of you would die.
So you settled down and waited.

When she came back to the village something in her had changed.
It wasn't like the first time she had gone away.
Then she had come back with sadness in her eyes.
This time was different.
It was like that light in her that shone so brightly had gone out.
She never once spoke about what had happened.
You never asked.
It was not your place to ask anyway.
You refused to listen to the gossips that whispered that she had gotten her heart broken by her rich lover.

You settled into being her friend.
She seemed to accept your place in her life.
As time passed you found yourself spending more and more time with her.
She seemed to in many ways enjoy your company.
Eventually, the pain that had been reflected in her eyes faded and was replaced with something else.
You saw a change in her.
She was determined now.
You decided then to try to win her once and for all.
You presented her with the ring on a warm day two months after she had come back to the village.
Your heart was beating so loudly as you stood there on bended knee and finally put words to your feelings for her.
You didn't use fancy words or promises.
All you did was tell her the truth; that you were in love with her and wanted her to become your wife. She stood there before you in silence. For a moment you feared that she would push you away once again. You were not sure that your heart could take another rejection.
But then she graced you with one of her magical smiles and said yes to becoming your wife.
You felt like you could fly after that.
You felt like the happiest man alive that she had allowed you to love her.
You kissed her.

Since that day you had waited for the day she would become your wife. You thought she would start planning your wedding at once. But she seemed to be content with the spoken agreement between the two of you and didn't want to rush anything.
You let her be.
She was yours after all.
When she spoke about her wish to return to Sanditon three months after she had agree to be your wife you gave in. She said that she wanted to visit her friends and attend the ball that would honour the newly built theater in Sanditon.
You, that could refuse her nothing, accompanied her to the town she often spoke about.
She stayed with her friend while you took a room at one of the local hotels.

Something was irreversible changed between the two of you the night of the ball.
You didn't see it then but looking back now you could identify the cause for that change.
His name was Alexander Colbourne.
You knew hardly anything about him than he was rich and that he had been Charlotte's former employer.
You would have easily dismissed him as just another face in the crowd if it wasn't for his presence seemed to alter her demeanour.
You didn't intervene when he asked her to dance.
You had no right to.
So you stood there and watched the woman you loved change before your eyes.
She seemed to glow as this other man held her and danced with her.
Her eyes was fixed on this mystery of a man.
Her face softened and her body seemed so fit so perfectly in his arms.
The dark clouds that seemed to have hovered over Alexander Colbourne when he entered the room was gone. His expression changed as he looked down at her.
He seemed content, at peace.
You saw something there between the two of them that you didn't dare name.
After the dance she came back to you and you were presented to Alexander Colbourne.
When she spoke to mister Colbourne about your wedding you saw the man change before your eyes.
The peace you had seen in his expression when he danced with her was gone and was replaced with a pain and sorrow that was almost palpable. He left the room briskly after that.
She seemed to fade before your eyes when Alexander Colbourne left.
That glow you had seen in her was snuffed out and replaced with something else.
She didn't say anything about what had happened and you were to afraid to ask.

As you lay alone that night you twisted and turned the night's event and you saw the truth.
That thing you had seen between mister Colbourne and Charlotte was the one thing you feared the most; love.
You saw it in her eyes as she looked at him and you could identify it in Colbourne in his expressions.
The pain of your realization washed over you then.
You knew that you should let her go.
It would save you from coming heartache.
But as you lay there you settled on the fact that you loved her.
You told yourself that she had picked you after all.
You could make her love you.
All she needed was time and distance.

It took you almost a week to settle down.
You went to her than with your head held high and you demanded answers to when she would be yours.
Maybe it was cruel but your strength was fading.
You needed her to be yours.
You wanted to put distance between the two of you and Alexander Colbourne.
You felt such joy when she told you that she still wanted to be yours.
You hadn't lost her.
So you kissed her and marked her with your scent.
You tried to ignore the fact that she didn't kiss you back.
All you saw was the bright future before you.
Nothing else mattered.
She had picked you.