Chapter 6 "A pain that I'm used to"

"If I can't have you

Then I have to find a way to get through

Though I don't want to I have to do my best to recall

That I'm thankful that I held you at all"

Colbourne's Pov

You hid in your darkness after that.
You retreated into yourself and shut out the world.
The house that you called home felt even more empty now.
You wandered the rooms searching for something to fill the hollowness inside of you.
But you knew that it was no use.
Everywhere bore memories of her.
You still saw her when you closed your eyes.
You remembered how she had looked when you had kissed her under that tree, how she had tasted. You remembered everything about her. It was etched into your mind.
The pain of losing her was a psychical force in your chest that you didn't know how to ease.
But you carried it willingly.
You deserved it after all.
You ventured further on to your property on days when the house felt confiding.
You rode or you walked the woods that surrounded your estate.
Each day you went further and further from the house but you never left your property.
Some days you felt like a caged animal.
On other days you felt the safety of your walls.

The sky was dark on the day you ventured furthers from your house and skirted the edge of your property.
You set out in the morning with a need to feel the wind on your face and feel something other than the numbing pain in your chest.
You rode hard without any real direction.
You didn't care as the rain began to fall.
For a moment you felt alive and free from the burdens of the past.
Your horse reacted instinctively to the shape of the person that was walking on the path ahead and reared.
You struggled but managed to calm the horse down and stopped.
The person on the path had stopped and turned towards you then.
You would know the shape of her body always.
It was forever branded into your mind.
Charlotte Heywood was standing just a couple of meters away looking at you.
It had been three weeks since you last saw her.
She was magnetic.
You drank her in, afraid if you moved she would disappear.
She was dressed in a blue dress and a matching bonnet.
You wanted to ask her why she had come, why she was here.
But fear had a hold of you.
Fear that you said the wrong thing.

Rain was coming down now and thunder made its presence known.
She spoke first:
"I didn't mean to...I should go."
She turned to leave.
"Please, don't go."
Your words slipped out exposing the desperation you felt.
But you didn't care if it got you just one more moment with her.
She stopped then and looked back at you.
You tried to read her expression but you failed.
"There is a storm coming.
You shouldn't be out walking in a storm.
There is a cottage not far from here where we can wait out the storm."
She looked up at the blackening sky and said: "Where?"
"Not far down this path. It's an old cottage that I own".
You saw the hesitation in her face as she looked up at you.
You reached out your hand towards her and for a moment you thought she would not take it.
But she finally did and you pulled her up and settled her in front of you on your horse.
You wrapped one arm around her waist as you steered your horse towards the cottage at the edge of your property.
You tried to ignore the warmth of her body towards yours.
The rain was soaking the both of you.

The cottage had once been your mother's.
She called it her safe haven.
She fled to it when the pressure of society got too much to handle.
You kept it as a memory of her.
You helped Charlotte down from your horse as you arrived.
You tied your horse to a nearby tree, opened the front door to the cottage and showed her inside.
The cottage was small with a large room that acted as a parlour, a small kitchen and two small bedrooms.
You showed her into the parlour and then you ventured back out into the rain to tend to your horse.

Charlotte stood by the fireplace as you entered the small cottage. She had removed her bonnet.
She turned towards you as you entered, closed the door behind you and said:
"It's getting worse out there".
She frowned then and said:
"I shouldn't be here. I should..."
She moved away as you approached.
Your eyes met as you said:
"As soon as the storm passes I will get you home. I promise."
Her eyes softened then.
"I believe you."
You took her in then.
Her hair was plastered to her head and her dress was soaked.
You tried to ignore how the curve of her body was visible beneath her clothes as she stood there looking at you.

You turned away towards the fireplace and worked on getting a fire going.
It took you a couple of minutes until the fire was strong enough.
The light from the fire bathed the small space in a warm light.
You turned towards her.
She was standing by the window looking out.
"You're soaked. You need to get warm. Come closer to the fire."
She didn't react.
"Charlotte, please."
She looked at you then.
You knew that she didn't want to be there.
She wanted to distance herself from you.
You couldn't fault her for that.
You had no right to be near her.
You broke every code in the book of etiquette by being here with her. But you had no choice.
She moved towards the fire then.
You turned towards the warmth of the fire, staring into the blaze.
She stood arm's length from you rubbing her hands, trying to get warm.
Every part of you screamed out to touch her.
You curled your hands to avoid touching her. Her voice pierced the silence of the cottage:
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have come here."
You turned towards her and your eyes met.
"You will always be welcome here."
"I just..."
Her words faded to black.
She turned her face towards the fire.

You studied her profile.
This woman that haunted your dreams.
You had surrendered to the fact that you would never be able to remove her from your heart.
She had a permanent place there.
You would carry her with you always.
You knew your time with her, in this place, was a precious gift.
You had thought that when you walked away from her on that cliff would be the last time you saw her.
You turned towards the fire and let the warmth of the fire wash over you.
"I'm leaving Sanditon."
The pain at that moment was powerful.
It gripped your chest with such force that you almost stumbled.
You forced yourself to not look at her.
She must have known that her words would cause your pain.
But maybe you deserved it after all.
She was not yours. She would never be yours.
Your voice was hoarse when you finally spoke:
"When?"
"Tomorrow."
You turned towards her then.
"Why did you come here, Charlotte?
She turned towards you and your eyes met.
"I don't know."

Anger surged in you then.
You moved away from her and walked up to the window to stare out onto the darkening sky.
Rain was coming down and winds were tearing through the trees outside.
She had made her choice on that cliff top.
You were willing to bare yourself to her then and there.
You wanted to hand her your heart, everything, at that moment.
But she didn't want you.
She made that clear.
You had admitted defeat after that.
Your life had become a struggle after that to find your balance again.
Now she was here tearing at your wounds.
Her voice pierced the silence:
"The date has been set for the wedding. It's in one week."
You didn't turn around as her words settled inside of you.
"Why did you come here? Why did you? Was it to see me suffer?"
You turned towards her then.
She was standing looking at you.
She was backlit by the fire.
A shadow crossed her face as she answered:
"No, of course not."
"Because you made it clear before that you don't..."
"I know."
You took a step towards her.
"So why couldn't you just have stayed away?"
You saw her rattle from the harshness of your words.
But you didn't care.
You needed answers.
You needed to put an end to this once and for all.
"Mister Colbourne, please."
"Did you come here to see proof of my enduring agony? Well, here I am. There isn't a day that I don't regret it. That I don't wish that I could take it all back. I know that my actions and my words put a stop to the only good thing that I had. I did that. I broke it. I was so close, so damn close, to finally getting what I wanted. I thought maybe, just maybe, I had found..."
Your words faded to black as your eyes met.
"I didn't come here to cause you pain."
You moved closer to her.
"How could you not know the pain you coming here would cause? I gave you up. You made me give you up. And now you are standing here before me once again. The one person I can't have."

You walked up to her.
She didn't move away.
She looked up at you.
Her voice was calm as she said:
"Don't say that. Not that."
You had no strength left when it came to her.
You knew as you framed her face between your hands and titled her face up towards you that all this would come at a price.
All this would only lead to doom and suffering. But you refused to listen.
So you kissed her then because you loved her.
A part of you was scared of letting those words out into the open air.
You were so scared that you didn't know how to love her the way she deserved to be loved.
So you did what you could to show her instead.
You kissed her like you were starving.
You gave her all those feelings you had locked away at that moment.

She broke away from you suddenly and took two steps back from you.
Her eyes were wild as she looked at you.
"I can't."
You saw pain reflect in her eyes but also a longing.
"Charlotte..."
You took a step closer to her, wanting to bridge the gap that stretched out before you.
But she moved away, like your physical preference scared her, and said:
"I came to say goodbye."
At that moment you couldn't respond in another way than to say:
"I know."
Your eyes met hers as she continued:
"I was mad at you for what you said to me that day on the cliffs. You made me question everything. And now I don't know what to do."
You saw pain and worry in her eyes.
You hated yourself then for causing her that.
"Charlotte."
You wanted so desperately then to beg her to stay with you.
To hold on to her and never let go.
To open yourself up to her and offer yourself without question.
But you knew you couldn't do that to her.
She needed guarantees and that was the one thing you couldn't give her.
All you could give her was your heart and maybe that wasn't enough anymore.
You had given her all you could give.
She didn't belong to you after all.
She was the one who had to make a choice.
You had already made yours and it was her.
It would always be her.
You needed to end this once and for all.
You needed her to choose, to show where she stood.
So you spoke the question that was eating at your core:
"Do you love him?"
She looked at you than with dark eyes.
You searched her eyes for some kind of answer.
But she gave away nothing.
It felt like you were walking a tightrope then.
Her voice was harsh as she spoke:
"You don't get to ask me that."
She turned away from you.
You moved towards her and touched her arm.
She responded like your touch had burned her as she turned back towards you again:
"Don't."
"Just tell me."
You stood before this woman begging her to end your pain once and for all.
To finally make a choice.
To pick you.
Maybe it was weak.
But you didn't care.
Her eyes met yours as she finally answered:
"I don't know."
There it was.
Her words struck and struck hard.
That tightrope you had been walking snapped and you fell.
Maybe you deserved this after all.
Silence settled between the two of you then.

You walked to the window and positioned yourself looking out.
You stood there trying to settle the aching pain in your chest.
This pain seemed to be a subtle reminder of who you were and the choices you had made that led to this moment.
You were after all the one that had caused this.
You had no one to blame than yourself.
You turned towards her then.
"What do you want from me?"
She seemed taken aback by your question.
You continued without waiting for her answer:
"What can I possibly do or say to make you believe me? I know that I can't erase the past but I can't regret it because it brought me you. I wish I could take back what I said and did that caused you pain but I can't. I lost you and I'm trying my hardest to live with that fact".
You felt like you were coming apart then and there.
"Mister Colbourne..."
"I love you, Charlotte."
There it was, those three words that scared you so, out in the universe.
You had nothing left.
You had given everything.
A part of you hoped that your confession of love would make her trust you and say it back to you.
But she wasn't so easily won.
Not anymore.
Your words seemed to hover between the two of you.
Her eyes were rimmed with tears as they met yours.
"I can't."
Just two simple words and what was left of you shattered.
That little flicker of light in your chest that still believed that she would come back to you faded and died.
You welcomed the pain like an old friend visiting.
She was crying now.
You wanted to cross the room and take her into your arms.
But you were scared if you touched her again you wouldn't know how to let go.
As you stood there looking at her you knew that you had to let her go once and for all.
She would never trust you.
The blame was yours to carry.
You had caused this.
Once again you were reminded that you were not enough.
There was nothing left now but surrender.
"Mister Colbourne, I..."
You cut her off before she had a chance to continue:
"The rain seems to not let up. You should get some rest. There is a bed in the next room where you could lay down."
Your eyes met hers.
You took her in. This woman that had brought you to your knees.
Silenced settled between the two of you.
Her eyes shimmered from tears.
She had the look of wanting to say something.
But all words had been said.
You turned your back towards her and continued staring out of the window.
Eventually, you heard her move into the next room and close the door behind her.
You moved towards the fire then and sat down in one of the armchairs close to the fireplace.
Weariness seemed to settle in your body and soul then.
The sound of the rain smattering against the windows of the small cottage made you relax.
You closed your eyes and surrendered to the darkness of sleep.

You felt it before you opened your eyes.
It was like a hole had opened in your chest.
Like some essential part of you were missing.
The first thing you saw as you opened your eyes was the sun streaming into the room.
You must have slept clear to morning.
You rose from the chair and moved towards the closed door to the bedroom where she had spent the night.
You knew before you opened the door what you would find there.
But still, hope lingered in you as you knocked, called out her name and opened the door.
The physical pain as you took in the empty room engulfed you then.
You moved towards the bed that still bore traces of her.
You sat down on the side of the bed and picked up the pillow that bore an indentation of where she had rested her head.
You brought it to you, closed your eyes and inhaled the scent of her that remained.
You whispered your goodbye to the empty room and let the remaining pieces of your heart come apart.