Chapter 7: Suffer well

Charlotte's Pov

You had left the cottage as soon as the storm had settled.
He was sleeping as you moved passed him towards the door.
Maybe it was a coward's way out but you knew that you could not face him again.
You knew that if you stayed your defensives would eventually crumble to dust and leave you vulnerable.
As you closed the door behind you and started to walk back to town you refused to admit the fact that you had sought him out.
That you went there in search of something you wouldn't name.
That one piece that was missing in your life.
You twisted and turned everything until you came up with a truth that you could live with;
you had gotten closure.
You could let go of the past and focus on your future.

You left Sanditon in the morning light.
As the carriage carried you further and further away from town it felt like a weight was lifted. But at the same time, it felt like something had been ripped from your chest and what was left was a black hole.
There was a hollowness inside you now when he was gone from your life. Like a vital part was missing.
You tried to focus on the future you were travelling towards. Sanditon belonged in the past.
You had come to Sanditon dreaming of great things, of a bright future.
In the end, you left defeated.
The future you were travelling towards represented what you needed now; something real.
But still, you couldn't ignore what you had left behind.
It kept nagging at you.
That feeling Alexander Colbourne had managed to spark inside of you.
You refused to name that feeling.
The truth was that it scared you more than anything else.
He haunted you.
He was inside of you now, reaching every part of you.
The taste of him still lingered in your mouth.
The feel of his hands on your body seemed to be permanently branded on your skin.
You wanted him gone.
You needed him gone.
It was a matter of survival.
You closed your eyes and let the rocking of the carriage put you to sleep.

It was dark as you arrived at your father's house and were welcomed with open arms by your family.
Ralph came in the morning and when you came down to breakfast he was sitting by the table talking to your father.
As you entered the room and saw him sitting there surrounded by your family you tried to feel that spark, that fire, but you felt nothing.
You told yourself that the all-consuming fire you had once felt was a dangerous thing.
So you settled on the warmth of friendship.
You smiled at him, sat down beside him and listened to his conversation with your father.

After breakfast the two of you took a walk in the meadow by your house.
He took your hand in his and you let him.
You needed to get used to him.
The feel of him.
But most of all your body needed to remove the feel of another.
So you let him hold your hand and you smiled at him all the while you felt nothing.
You felt shame by that fact.
But you, the master of denial, pushed it far down inside.
He talked about your future the two of you would share.
He talked about his plans to expand the farm.
He wanted you by his side as he build and expand.
You tried to feel excited.
But all you felt was empty; less than yourself.
You had given your heart away two times in your life.
Once to a man that in the end had chosen someone else and then to a man that had rejected your love so easily.
You needed something solid, something real.
Ralph Sterling was what you needed now.
He was your future.
That solid point in your life, that immovable object.
He would stay.
He would never willingly hurt you.
You told yourself as you walked beside him that the hollowness in your chest would eventually subside and be replaced with the warmth of finding your place as his wife and partner.
So you smiled at him and when he kissed you under your favourite apple tree you let him.