Chapter 8: How come your arms are not around me

"I'll close my eyes, then I won't see
The love you don't feel when you're holding me"

Ralph's POV

You saw a change in her as the day of the wedding came closer and closer.
It was just like that light inside of her that once burned so brightly was slowly dying.
That part of her that made you fall in love with her all those years ago was fading away before your eyes.
That smile that had the power to light up a room no longer reached her eyes.
You did your best to ignore it.
You chalked it up to wedding nerves.
You convinced yourself that it would change.
That you would be the one to light that spark inside of her again.
All you needed was time.
And you were a patient man.

But as days passed and the day of your wedding was just a day away the seed of doubt found it inside of you. It grew inside until you saw nothing else.
Doubt that you were not enough.
That you were not the one to light that spark in her.
But also fear that you would look into her eyes and see regret and doubt reflecting back.
You had thought that you were stronger than this.
That you could believe that she would be happy.
That she wanted this.
That she loved you the way you loved her.
But in the end, you weren't.
So you did what you had to do to calm the uncertainty that ran like poison in your veins.
You went in search of the truth.

You found her under her favourite tree by her house.
She rose from the bench where she was sitting reading a book as she saw you approach.
She was dressed in a white, summer dress and her hair was down.
She was so beautiful.
She smiled at you as you walked up to her:
"What are you doing here? You shouldn't be here".
"I need to talk to you."
Her smile faded away then.
"I need to know why are you doing this?"
Her eyes darkened as she spoke:
"What do you mean?"
"This, us. Why did you agree to marry me?"
She moved towards you and took your hand in hers.
She looked up at you with those eyes that had a way of consuming you and said:
"Ralph, where is this coming from? It's our wedding day tomorrow."
"I asked you to marry me, to be mine, several times. You always refused."
You couldn't remember a time you hadn't loved her.
"I saw the way you looked at him."
"Who?"
"Charlotte..."
She turned away from you and said:
"I don't understand why you are doing this."
"Just tell me the truth."
She turned back to you then.
Her voice was sharp as she answered:
"What truth?"
"About Alexander Colbourne".
A shadow fell across her face then and for a moment you saw something in her eyes.
But she turned her face away before you could identify it.
"He was my employer. I told you this."
You took her hand and made her look at you as you said:
"You described him as someone who treated you badly yet I saw the way you looked at this man. I need you to tell me the truth, Charlotte. I think I deserve the truth."
"I don't know what you want me to say. "
"Who is this man to you?"
"He was my employer and now he is not. He belongs in the past."
You saw it then as your eyes met.
She hid it well but it was a flicker there in her eyes.
Sorrow.
Regret.
But also a longing for something.
That something that you feared naming.
But still, you needed something to quiet the voice inside that whispered that there was something wrong.
That the world you had built and maintained for months now was coming undone.
As you looked at her now you couldn't shake the feeling that it has all been a lie.
"You are different since you came back."
Her eyes darkened then.
"I don't know what you mean".
"I can't help thinking it has to do with him".
"I'm still the same person. Nothing has changed. I'm still the same person that said yes to starting a life with you."
You took a step away from her then and said:
"Why can't you just tell me the truth?"
"I told you the truth."
"Where were you that last night in Sanditon?
Something changed then.
Something in the air between the two of you.
She moved back a step and avoided your eyes as you continued:
"I called on you that evening. But they told me that you were out walking. I waited for you to come back but you never did."
She looked up and your eyes met:
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I instructed the servants to not tell you that I had called. I felt foolish sitting there waiting for you. It seems like I'm always waiting for you."
She moved towards you and said:
"Ralph…"
You saw pity in her eyes then.
You stepped away from her and cut her off saying:
"Where were you? With him?"
She stopped her forward momentum and looked at you.
Her eyes spoke the truth.
You felt like such a fool.
She saw the truth settle inside of you and took your hand.
"It wasn't like that, Ralph. There was a storm. We had to take shelter in a cottage."
"Were you alone with him?"
She let go of your hand then and your eyes met.
"Ralph..."
You had given this woman everything.
You had created and built a world around the thought that she would be yours.
You had given your whole heart to her.
You couldn't remember a time when she wasn't the one you loved.
"Just tell me..."
She reached for you again but you moved away.
You couldn't bare her touch now.
"Nothing improper happened, Ralph".
Such lies.
You saw it in her eyes.
A part of you hated her then.
"Why can't you just tell me the truth!?"
Your raised voice startled her but you didn't care.
"I don't know what you want me to say."
"I have seen the way you look at him. You light up. You come alive in his presence."
Her eyes seemed to occupy her whole face.
She looked almost scared as she looked at you.
"Ralph, don't."
It felt like you were caving in.
There was a weight on your chest making it hard to breathe.
You needed this to end.
"Do you love this man?"
Those words hit her and hit hard.
You saw it happened.
Her eyes glittered with not yet shed tears.
Your words hurt her.
They were causing her physical pain.
Her voice broke when she finally spoke:
"Please, don't do this."
You had a choice to let it all go.
To shut your eyes to the truth.
It was so much at stake after all.
But you had no longer the strength to shut your eyes for the obvious; she was never really yours.
"Did you ever really love me?"
She was crying now.
The pain in her eyes was palpable.
"Don't say that. Not that."
"All I have ever wanted was you. Just you. From the moment I saw you."
She moved towards you, placed her hand on your cheek and made you look at her:
"I want this too. I want us."
The feel of her touch engulfed you.
Her words found their way inside of you ripping at your doubt.
You wanted so desperately to believe her words.
You needed to believe those words.
You had built your future on those words.
But you had gone too far down this road to go back.
You needed to settle this.
"Do you love him?"
She removed her hand from your cheek then and stepped back.
She avoided your eyes as she repeated:
"Please, don't."
You were so tired of fighting for a life based on lies.
You needed it all to stop.
Your voice was hoarse as you spoke:
"I let you in. You made me believe. Made me think..."
"I love you, Ralph. I have made you a promise to be your wife".
"What are you afraid of? Are you so afraid to admit the truth that you rather live a lie with me?
She moved towards you then, reaching for you again.
"If I could go back and change things I would. I would never have accepted the position as a governess. I would never..."
You took a step back.
"You need to stop this, Charlotte".
She looked at you.
You saw desperation in her eyes.
She was clinging on to a life built on lies.
Your voice was barely a whisper as you repeated those words that cut like a knife inside of you:
"Do you love him, Charlotte?
Silence settled between the two of you.
A silence that spoke millions.
Your eyes met and you saw the truth in her eyes.
That truth that she had so desperately tried to bury inside of her.
You wished at that moment that you could remove that part of yourself that loved her.
Maybe one day she would be just a distant memory.
But as for now, she had your heart.
She had given her heart away to another.
She had never been yours.
It was time to let her go.
So you did what you had to do.
You walked up to her.
She looked up at you with tears streaming down her face.
This woman you had loved for so long.
You bend down, brushed your lips to her cheek and whispered:
"Goodbye, Charlotte."
Then you walked away from her. You never looked back.