I am sorry

Pain.

Forgive me

Agony.

I couldn't save you

Fire.

I love you

Death.

Desperately she turned to the angelic voice but it seemed like she just couldn't find it.

Panic ran through her and she heard an feral scream erupting from her throat.

She was hell. She had to be in hell.

It was just as it was always described.

Pain, despair, agony, hopelessness and more pain.

And hot.

She could barely think straight, her mind too busy focusing on the fire that was consuming her.

She didn't know what she had done to deserve something like this, what had she done in her life to be punished like this?

She heard her voice screaming, uncontrollable and so distant it seemed unreal. Maybe it wasn't her voice after all, but when she heard herself pleading for death and was joined by a heartbreaking sob, she realized that this wasn't her end.

It was the beginning.

She was already dead, so she begged for forgiveness.

She begged all the gods to forgive her, to end her suffering. Maybe someone would listen to her, maybe someone would redeem her, take pity on her and simply erase her existence to end her agony.

She heard the sobbing again and recognized it immediately.

Carlisle.

Was he here with her? Were they both in hell? The very thought of it tore her apart.

No, that couldn't be, he couldn't be in hell. It was all a big misunderstanding. He could never be in hell.

She waited for it to stop, she waited for her heart to eventually stop or for her at least pass out, but the fire didn't stop. It pulsed through her veins.

It just didn't stop.

She tried to hear the sobs again, to hear anything. Something outside of her pain but there was nothing.

Nothing existed, only the fire.

She felt her body writhing in pain and heard a deafening crack in the distance.

There were voices all around her, scared and afraid, but she couldn't understand what they were saying, nor could she place them. A wave of pain hit her again and the cracking sound continued.

She felt her heartbeat racing, far too fast for a human heart. It was only a matter of seconds before it stopped and when it did, she went still.

Her heartbeat was gone. The silence inside her body was deafening.

But she was still here. How could that be?

Panic set in and she heard the cracking and breaking of wood and metal.

The voices rang out again and this time she could understand a few words.

"Carlisle! You have to calm her down!"

She recognized the name effortlessly, apparently it took more than death and hell to forget his name.

Desperately she threw herself against the bed she was apparently lying on and searched for him. The cracking got louder and louder when suddenly a hand was on her forehead.

It was immediately quiet.

"Everything will be fine."

The pleading voice sounded so desperate that it broke her heart.

But it made worked.

The pain subsided a little and her fear was gone.

She focused on the voice and slowly began to wake up.

Lily didn't know if hours or days had passed, but slowly the fog that had enveloped her senses lifted. The fire didn't dissapear, but at least she could think again.

Was she dead? And if she was dead, why could she still think and hear? And why didn't this damn pain stop.

Lily carefully tested her body. It felt... different. Suddenly she felt the urge to breathe, to see. She inhaled hesitantly and was overwhelmed by a tangle of scents. She tossed her head in confusion, her body still aching but it was easing. At least a bit.

Her brain tried to analyze the smells, but she didn't get very far.

A scent stood out.

It covered almost everything.

It was like a drug and greedily she sucked the air around her for more. The hand on her head was warm and the touch almost drove away the pain.

She tried to focus on that as best she could and felt herself calming down more and more.

It was still quiet but in the distance she could hear the chirping of the birds, their rapid heartbeats, the little breaths. She heard the wind blowing through the treetops and the groaning of the trunks gently giving in.

Her head automatically turned in the right direction.

She suddenly knew exactly where he was.

When she opened her eyes, she saw the blond god next to her.

Like she was seeing him for the first time and she couldn't do anything but stare at him and admire his beauty.

His features were even more beautiful than she remembered, just as flawless. His eyes looked tired and he his face seemed drained, yet nothing detracted from his beauty.

She saw every pop of color in his eyes, which sparkled a little darker than honey. Every fiber, every pore, every hair of his blond locks, she could see it all and it was just perfection.

"Carlisle?"

Her own voice startled her. It was bright and clear, like a chime. Deeper than Alice's but nobler than Rosalie's. He twisted his lips into a wry smile and fear gripped her again. What the hell had happened?

"You were bitten by Riley. He turned you."

Edward's voice was velvety but he seemed strained.

Her eyes immediately found his form and to her surprise he was standing further away from her than she had thought. His voice sounded like it was right next to her.

When she looked at him, she also noticed the chaos that had prevailed. She was at the Cullen house but it was... the place was trashed. The large windows were shattered, the concrete walls were cracked, and the expensive furnishings were either teared apart or lying aimlessly around.

"How are you, my love?"

Carlisle's angelic voice enveloped her and her eyes automatically wandered to him.

Again she was amazed by his beauty. She saw him with such clarity as a blind man seeing for the first time.

She still felt the burning but it was getting almost bearable. At least in the rest of her body, her throat still seemed to be still on fire.

"Peachy."

Her voice was flat and he grinned at her.

His grin gave her more confidence and hope than she could take and she let out a breath she did not realise she was holding in. Something strange spread inside her. Although it was the absence that was strange. She felt no urge to breathe. She felt no urge to swallow or blink. Confused, she looked down at herself and stared at her frozen chest.

She felt nothing.

"That is normal."

His voice immediately wiped away the emerging panic and she was once again trapped in his face. How could he be that beautiful?

She heard Edward laugh.

It occurred to her that he had probably heard her thoughts.

"I'm.. I'm a vampire?"

A sad look crossed his now deep brown eyes and he nodded. She opened her mouth when she was interrupted.

"Is it finally over?"

Emmett's growling voice echoed in from outside as if he were standing right next to her and as he appeared in the door he looked around and raised his brows. He seemed still huge but not so unnatural anymore. The clarity with which she could see took away some of his beauty.

"Phew. I guess someone has... an ability."

"More like a curse. Now we can move again."

Looking at Rosalie with her new senses, Lily was shocked at how beautiful she still was. How could any man resist her?

"Please, don't tell her that or she'll become even more obnoxious."

Edward's sarcastic voice rang out and a satisfied grin spread across Rosalie's incredibly beautiful face. She knew exactly what Lily was thinking, even if she didn't hear her thoughts.

Lily was still amazed at how well she could see. They looked so different from her memories.

No detail remained hidden from her, she saw every speck of dust, every fiber, every pore, no matter how far away it was. It was almost as if it was another world. Everything was so clear. So defined and detailed. The fire in her body was extinguished, only the burning in her throat was noticeable. It was almost unbearable, yet paled in comparison to the previous pain.

"Tell Jasper. We should go hunting as soon as possible."

Carlisle's voice snapped her out of her thoughts and eased the pain again. She tried to recall a similar effect, but her memories seemed fuzzy and dim, like a long-forgotten dream.

She looked at him confused and he misunderstood her gaze.

"Jasper likes to keep his distance during changings, he can feel the pain. But we need him for the hunt."

It was logical but it didn't make sense.

Although her mind functioned with incredible clarity and speed, and she could think of all sorts of thoughts with ease, that didn't make it any better. She could still see the devastation behind Carlisle and remembered what Rosalie had said.

"Carlisle? What happened?"

"Riley has-"

"No, I know that. I mean, what happened here."

She pointed to the cracks in the wall and looked at her hand. Her skin was fair and flawless. She seemed alien, as if it wasn't her own hand that she was raising.

Carlisle's perfectly formed mouth twisted into a crooked grin and his eyes sparkled.

Damn he was perfect.

"That... that was you. You seem to have a very... expressive ability."

"Pf. Understatement of the century."

Emmett shook his head in amusement.

Lily stared at him in shock.

How did she do that? Why hadn't she noticed? Did she hurt someone?

Carlisle seemed to notice her concern and touched her arm. Immediately her eyes fixed on the large hand that wrapped her forearm. His grip was warm and firm, but his skin was soft to the touch.

He wasn't the marble statue she knew anymore, and his skin tone didn't look extraordinary either. He looked normal on her arm.

Fascinated, she touched his skin with her fingertips and he took a deep breath.

"Have fun!"

Emmett and Rosalie were gone and Edward wasn't standing in the door anymore either. Apparently he wanted to go back to Bella or her thoughts were driving him away. She suddenly remembered Victoria and her army. Relief swept through her, Carlisle looked tired but alright and the others seemed too happy as there had been casualties.

Lily casually noticed her scents becoming noticeably weaker. You could already seperate them. They didn't smell bad, actually good, but not as good as Carlisle. Her focus shifted to him again.

She leaned towards him, he drew her in like a magnet and the burning in her throat was almost gone. It was covered by something else.

Lust.

Carlisle's eyes were almost black, even that color came in different shades, and Lily couldn't take her eyes off him. She inhaled his scent deeply and held it in her lungs. Even if she didn't need the air anymore, his scent was worth breathing.

"I think we should go hunting first."

His voice was deep and she could hear the want in it too.

For a moment she didn't understand why he was suggesting this, but she trusted him. After all he was longer in this business as her.

She nodded reluctantly and stood up.

She stared at her legs in surprise.

She tested the weight on her knees and felt her mouth curl into a wide smile.

She felt nothing. Nothing at all. No pain, no stinging, no yielding. As if her knee was the strongest in the world.

"The venom healed your wounds, including your knee joint."

His voice sounded so eager and happy that it warmed her heart. As if he desperatley trying to point out the good things that happened.

Running came so naturally to her. As if all she had done in her life was to run. She felt incredibly fast, the wind that blew her hair out of her face, the colors, shapes, smells and impressions that raced past her. She could see everything, it was no longer an indefinable tangle, everything was clear.

Lily loved it.

Behind her she could feel Carlisle, Jasper and Alice. She was faster than them and when she realized the gap was getting too big, she slowed her pace.

What she saw was unimaginable to the human mind. The trees, the clouds, the rich green, brown and grey.

No detail remained hidden from her and she didn't know where to look first. But not only that, her sense of hearing also distracted her. She heard the air pressed by a bird's feathers and it rose indignantly. They fled for their lives and were probably right. Not only could she hear them, she could smell them too.

The forest smelled so familiar that it immediately calmed her. Especially when now and then the scent of Carlisle joined it. It was amazing.

The thirst grew stronger and finally she stopped. The rest were at her side immediately and she noticed the strained focus Jasper and Alice had written on their faces. Alice was probably combing the future for possible accidents and Jasper was keeping an eye on her emotions. It was reassuring to know that she was being guarded, that she would not make mistakes.

Carlisle walked towards her and his blonde locks were slightly disorganized. She wanted nothing more than to touch him.

Jasper cleared his throat and gave her a mischievous look.

"All in good time. First you should quench your thirst."

Lily nodded, slightly embarrassed, and looked around.

"And... how do I do that?"

She felt incredibly stupid, like a vampire starving to death because he was too stupid to eat, but Carlisle gave her an encouraging nod.

"It's all instinct, it's inside you. We're looking for prey and all you have to do is react."

He looked at her as if he thought she could do anything. It was a little unsettling how much he believed in her.

She nodded and concentrated. She heard the breathing and the heartbeat of some deer, at least she thought so, and looked in her direction. Carlisle nodded and they followed the trail.

Carlisle was right, it was all instincts. And even more.

She wouldn't have believed it herself, but when she could smell the blood pumping from the deer's strong heart, her thirst got the better of her and she pounced on the animal.

Automatically she buried her teeth in the back of his neck and while the fur irritated her, the taste of her mouth was all she could think about. She didn't hesitate for a second and trusted her instincts. He told her what to do, what to do and how to get the precious blood.

The taste was unique. It wasn't something she could describe or compare to anything. But it eased the fire in her throat, at least for now.

When she was done she looked around and saw the surprised faces of her new family. Carlisle's brows were raised high and Alice absently looked the other way. Jasper, on the other hand, was eyeing her as if judging whether or not she posed a threat. It was beyond confusing.

"Did I do something wrong?"

Carlisle was the first to recover and immediately shook his head.

"No of course not. You did very well. We're just... a little surprised..."

"Why? You said-"

"No, not because of that. You've hardly touched an animal. They just… flew into your arms."

He grimaced as if briefly annoyed that he couldn't express himself better.

Lily looked around and saw the trail of devastation she had left behind. The sucked dry carcasses lay all over the place and the sight made her shudder a little.

Jasper hadn't changed his gaze and Carlisle took a cautious step towards her. As if she could ever hurt him.

He touched her arm and her focus was only on him again. Her body reacted immediately and she turned to him.

"We should go back."

Jasper's voice sounded serious, as if he still wasn't sure what to make of the situation.

"Have you had enough?"

Carlisle's look was concerned and she feasted on his honey colored eyes for a moment. She nodded and in fact she hardly felt any hunger.

At least not for blood.