Lily

It was strange how the incident had changed nothing and yet everything.

While a thunderous storm raged inside her, she looked at Carlisle with the same look as on the first day.

Fascinated, enchanted, in love.

Never had he reproached her, on the contrary.

He reproached himself.

He kept apologizing that he should have been more careful. That he had put her through too much. That it was his fault.

Carlisle's guilty conscience was even harder to bear than her own, and though she heard the honesty in his words, it didn't change the situation.

The family was fully engaged with the wedding and as Carlisle had said, she heard not a word of reproach.

Emmett, as usual, made an inappropriate joke and Rosalie seemed to take pleasure in the fact that she was still the only one with a clean slate besides Carlisle. Except for the series of murders at Royce home.

Carlisle grieved for the man, pitied him and his family. She felt his pain and it broke her heart. But her heart did not ache for the man.

It broke for Carlisle.

It was a terrible realization she made, one she could never say out loud. One that was her ticket to hell, that much was certain. She regretted her weakness but could not regret her action. It felt so natural at that moment, so pure. How could she regret something that was in her nature?

The taste was breathtaking and the sensation she felt was heavenly. If she was honest, the only reason she didn't continue was Carlisle's compassion for humans.

All of a sudden, her red eyes seemed fitting.

It suited her, it suited the monster she was and that Carlisle refused to see.

As she watched a wedding being planned that she could never be a part of, she let her mind wander. The clarity of her memories made it easy and dangerous at the same time.

For with each spiral in her mind, one fact became more and more prominent. It pushed itself to the forefront and no matter how many times Lily tried to hide it, it gnawed at her.

Her only luck was that Edward spent all his time with Bella and naturally kept her away from her. So her doubts were safe, at least for now.

Alice had truly outdone herself.

The garden was richly decorated, flowers, ferns, lichen hanging from the branches and garlands, it seemed like a fairy tale.

But no matter how beautiful it was, how she enjoyed the details, it was not her fairy tale.

Her eyes followed the one person who kept her sane, with a satisfied look on his face he patiently let Alice order him around, picking up a log there, rearranging everything once again.

She could see how pleased he was.

His eyes sparkled and whenever they found hers, she was shocked at the glow and beauty in them. Good-naturedly, he looked at his family, laughed at the banter between Alice and Rosalie, listened proudly to Esme's attempts at appeasement, and shook his head at Emmett and Jasper, who seemed to be doing everything they could to drive Alice crazy.

Before her eyes was a happy family, something she had wanted all her life. But now, when it was all within her grasp, a rotten taste rose within her.

Was this really what she wanted?

She wanted Carlisle, she needed him like the air she breathed, and though he still devoted his time to her, it wouldn't be long before he returned to the hospital. How could she deny him? It was what made him happy.

It filled him, gave him purpose.

Never could she take that away from him.

But at the same time, she wondered what would become of her?

She knew how unstable she was without him. Jasper had said it often enough, and she could hear the panic in his voice when he called for Carlisle during practice.

The bottom line was that she was a ticking time bomb and Carlisle was the only one who could keep delaying the detonator.

But was she worth it? For him to give up everything just to make sure she wouldn't hurt anyone?

Lily's eyes drifted, watching stray rays of sunlight seek out the forest floor. The skin of her new family glistened, as unusual a sight as it was, the fact that no one was bothered by it was even more unusual.

Carlisle insisted on staying away from the wedding with her but she had immediately refused.

How could she take that away from him.

The moment he had been waiting for for almost a century. The others were silent, no one dared to say anything but she knew what they were thinking anyway.

None but Emmett trusted themselves with the task of controlling her. And Emmett was immediately whistled back by Rosalie when he eagerly offered.

It didn't surprise her, everyone wanted to be at the wedding and who would want to babysit a newborn with uncontrollable abilities.

She suggested the wolves, but Carlisle immediately shook his head.

She knew he didn't trust them.

At least not as far as she were concerned.

Maybe it was his jealousy that he was hiding as best he could, but it didn't really matter. The wedding was getting closer and closer and she had clearly proven that she was definitely not ready for a bunch of humans.

Frustration spread.

An emotion she knew all too well. She felt, she could hardly describe it, trapped.

As if everyone was always trying to hold her back, to subdue her, to tame her.

As if she were a wild animal, an abnormality which should not be.

That the others thought that way didn't really bother her. Sure she had built friendships, she liked them.

But just the thought of Carlisle trying to change her was worse than she could bear.

Again and again, he gave her an almost pitying look. His golden eyes sparkled and next to his greed for her, which of course she more than enjoyed, there was also a sadness that broke her heart.

Her thoughts were ever interrupted by Rosalie. As always, the blonde beauty managed to surprise her.

"Emmett and I will keep her company."

Lily's eyes darted open.

"But Edward-"

Rosalie interrupted her, rolling her eyes in exasperation.

"I don't think I'm missing anything."

"Rose, he's your brother."

Carlisle's voice was soft yet reproving.

She raised a delicate brow and looked at him challengingly.

"I was against it at the beginning, in between, and still. I don't think I'll be missed by anyone."

Lily knew that by anyone she meant Edward and Bella.

Even though Rosalie's answer seemed heartless, everyone knew about the love she had for her brother. But everyone also knew that she didn't approve of his past decisions, and Lily could well understand why she didn't want to pretend that the whole thing was a good idea.

At least Carlisle seemed to be comfortable with the solution and since Lily absolutely refused to let him miss this important day because of her, he had no choice but to agree anyway.

"I know what you're thinking."

Rosalie's voice cut through the clear night and Lily turned her head toward her. From the distance they could hear Emmett, who had tracked down a grizzly and was now obviously enjoying himself.

"Really?"

Lily's eyes wandered again to the seemingly impenetrable forest ahead. Never in her life would she allow Rosalie the satisfaction and simply give in. After a few seconds, an exasperated sigh sounded behind her and her mouth formed into a grin.

"Yes. I know what it's like when Carlisle unloads all his ... goodness on you."

Lily winced imperceptibly when she heard his name.

She missed him. She missed his scent, his calm, his closeness.

It just felt wrong.

"Uh-huh."

The grin widened and Rosalie murmured again.

"You're awful, you know that?"

"Yep."

Grinning, she looked over her shoulder and watched triumphantly as Rosalie's golden eyes sparkled furiously.

"What I'm saying is, even though he often seems patronizing and crushes you with his endless understanding, he ... he couldn't exist without you."

Lily wondered at that moment if her doubt was so obvious. Was it so obvious that she felt out of place? Did the others know?

Did Carlisle know?

When she didn't answer, Rosalie continued.

"When I was turned, I found myself in the midst of Carlisle, Esme, and Edward. Carlisle and Esme smothered me in pity and understanding and Edward... Edward just drove me crazy."

Lily knew that wasn't true.

Still, she could well imagine how it must have felt. New to this strange immortal world, in the midst of this family where you were mothered by two and one heard your most intimate thoughts.

"It took some time, but you get used to it. You learn to like it."

Rosalie's voice was conciliatory, as if she were carefully making a suggestion she desperately hoped would resonate with Lily.

"When I tried to kill Royce, Carlisle had tried to talk me out of it for weeks. He kept bringing it up. But in the end, he accepted it."

"You mean, like he'll accept me?"

Rosalie rolled her eyes theatrically.

"Carlisle doesn't just accept you. He's-he needs you."

The golden eyes turned away from Lily's blood-red ones and wandered in Emmett's direction. No doubt she was thinking of him, what he meant to her. Lily followed her gaze and felt envy rise within her.

It seemed so simple, so logical.

Then why did she find it so hard?

Edward and Bella were on their way to their honeymoon and a sort of everyday life was returning. It didn't surprise her that it was obviously not a good idea to have invited the wolves to the wedding. Actually, it surprised her more that there hadn't been a more serious incident.

Carlisle was following her every move, as if he could feel her distancing and wanted with all his might to be even closer to her. She couldn't explain it to herself, but one thing was becoming clearer.

Carlisle loved his family, they made him happy. Either she could handle it and be a part of it, or she would choose a different path.

But would she be able to?

The thought of leaving was impossible even in her mind, even if it was tempting. The temptation came more from wanting to test her strength. Not only that. There was something else calling to her.

Something she wished she had never tasted.

Blood.

Human blood.