Lily
It was almost ironic how much she could enjoy her new existence and at the same time miss her old, human life.
It wasn't the possibilities she was mourning. It wasn't the simplicity of living in the certainty that it would end one day. It was something else entirely.
It was the ability to distract her flawed, human mind.
To trick it.
To trick it into believing that all was well. A thing that now seemed completely absurd.
There was no escaping her thoughts, her mind worked with such precision and speed that no matter what trivial ideas she tried to distract herself with, she always came back to the one point.
She could not even sleep on it, crawl into the world of dreams and let her subconscious work.
All that was lost.
Immediately she felt Jasper's piercing gaze on her.
A wave of calm washed over her, but it was only temporary. Even though she enjoyed the feeling and was grateful for his effort, it was only a short-term solution.
Sooner or later, the turmoil would descend upon her and destroy everything she had built up.
She let her eyes wander around the room.
On the second floor she heard the scratching of a pencil on paper, apparently Esme was once again drawing away at her sketches. Noises from the garage betrayed Rose. She kept tinkering with her convertible, as if everything that could be done hadn't already been done.
Jasper and Emmett devoted themselves to what they saw as a pointless television program. Ice hockey. Her gaze lingered on Emmett's face, full of enthusiasm and eagerness, he stared at the television and she wondered if, as a human being, he would have aspired to such a career as well.
His stature was at least fitting, and he could not be said to lack ambition.
Another option he had that they all no longer had.
For Lily it was absolutely uninteresting, she had never cared much for sports and after her accident it was absurd to even think about such a thing anyway. But when she saw the sparkle in Emmett's eyes, she almost felt sorry for him.
He would never be able to play, never feel the pleasure of winning fairly or the tragedy of losing. Sure he was much stronger now, he could tear out trees, smash rocks. He could run up Mount Everest without rest, without oxygen. But wasn't the appeal of humanity in these things? The attraction of being able to measure himself? Not necessarily with others, but with himself. To grow beyond oneself.
The thought brought another with it. One that kept buzzing around in her mind and couldn't be shaken off.
The urge to measure herself was not foreign to her, on the contrary.
Her power was always suppressed, controlled, weakened. She was too afraid of hurting someone if she used it to its fullest.
And that was the problem.
How could she control something completely if she didn't know how far she could go? If she never knew where her limit was.
From the distance, she heard the familiar engine noise of Carlisle's Mercedes. His shift was over and as always, he was hurrying to get home. Or rather, getting to her, as Emmett had commented several times.
Carlisle.
If one could die of grief, Carlisle would already be lying motionless on the ground in a comatose state.
Still his gaze was brimming with compassion and even though she was getting used to it, it was something that irritated her more and more.
It wasn't really him, she knew him well enough to know that he couldn't help it. Compassion was in his nature, there would be no point in expecting anything else. It was more the reason for the compassion.
She knew he no longer blamed himself for her turning. Too great was his joy at the thought of having her by his side for all eternity.
The reason was another. Still he mourned the incident, still he thought of the man and his family. Still he thought she would feel bad. For whatever reason, he didn't blame her. As always, he looked for blame in himself alone.
A virtue Lily could hardly appreciate.
Especially since there was another background to it.
No matter how she spun it, she couldn't find nearly the same feelings for the dead man that Carlisle had.
Sure it was a tragedy, but it was almost as if her innermost being was fighting back against the accusations. Which shouldn't have surprised her.
It was her nature, after all.
The thought of the incident made her body tremble. She still tasted his blood on her lips, a taste which was unparalleled. No matter how much game she had torn in the meantime, the taste remained, and with it the greed.
Carlisle's scent intensified. It was a delightful mixture. Though she could still smell the pungent note of disinfectant, the rest was too enticing to really bother her.
His eyes sparkled a soft golden hue and, as always, he was the most beautiful man she had ever seen. His expression radiated a contentment that only a shift in the hospital could create. She could see how much it meant to him. How he was absorbed in his work, how much he wanted to help people.
Once again, a guilty conscience overcame her. While he spent his time thinking about how he could help people, all she could think about was quenching her thirst again.
His fingertips ran along her arm, an almost apologetic gesture, and she knew he was already reproaching himself for leaving her alone.
Her body automatically leaned toward his and she closed her eyes. The touch wiped away the dark thoughts and at least for a few moments she could enjoy his presence.
But the inner turmoil remained.
Again she felt Jasper's gaze on hers. Without returning it, she could sense the concern in it.
He must have noticed her turmoil and she wondered when he would address it.
Increasingly, she felt Alice's gaze on her as well. Probably she was seeing something she didn't understand. Which meant that her thoughts were not mere slips.
Maybe they were the door to another future, to a life other than this one.
A life without Carlisle.
As absurd as the thought was, frighteningly, it was no longer quite so repulsive.
It was already deep night when she tried to decipher the constellations. Behind her, she felt Carlisle's body pressed close to hers. It was comforting and tragic at the same time. She knew he could sense something. And she also knew he probably thought it had something to do with him or the incident. Which was true in a way, just not the way he thought.
"When are Edward and Bella coming back?"
He took a deep breath and pressed his nose into her hair.
"In a few weeks, I guess."
"Will he turn her then?"
She felt his broad shoulders as they moved upward.
"I don't know. I think Edward wants to put it off as long as possible."
She nodded, lost in thought.
"And then what? Do we stay here?"
Her tone was neutral, which surprised herself.
"Probably. Bella won't want to go far from Charlie... or Jacob. Besides, the others like it here. You should have heard the discussion when Edward first wanted to leave."
She could hear the soft smile on his lips and saw it immediately in her mind's eye. Discussion was probably an understatement, as usual. Rosalie will have made her point more than clear.
She didn't answer, too busy trying to figure out what his words meant to her.
Did she want to stay here? She couldn't possibly show her face, the change would be noticeable to everyone- even without blood red eyes.
He seemed to have noticed her hesitation and carefully followed up.
"Do you want to leave? Don't you like it here?"
His voice was uncertain and she was immediately overcome with guilt.
She wished she could be the person he needed. Like Esme. Someone who was content with what he had, someone who could make the best of everything. Someone who didn't always think about what else was out there.
What could she answer that wouldn't destroy him?
So she lied.
"No."
He accepted her lie and she realized he had no reason not to. She had never lied to him before. It was a terrible feeling and at the same time a necessity that left hers no other choice. Should she voice her restlessness, he would immediately offer to go away with her, he would leave everything behind, just for her.
It was a sacrifice she could not ask of him, no matter what it cost her.