Killian
Killian sat in a dark corner of the Rabbit Hole, nursing a tumbler of rum and assessing the other patrons disinterestedly. It had been a while since he had visited the somewhat shady establishment, but he still recognized everyone there. He had been somewhat of a regular in those first few days after Emma left, when everything had been a haze of alcohol and regret.
He did not like thinking about those days, even though it seemed he had not left them behind as much as he had thought.
He was, after all, back to sitting here with a glass of rum and torturous thoughts of Emma Swan.
Except this time, he was doing it because of her return rather than her departure.
He had almost not believed her when she told him of her plans to return to Storybrooke. Not only to return but also to stay and begin magic classes with Regina. It had seemed like such a ludicrous idea that she would make such a drastic turn after her negative declarations of Storybrooke and her magic.
And yet, yesterday, he had heard about David leaving with his truck towards New York and arriving hours later with a truck brimming with boxes and Swan's yellow vessel following him. Had heard and not seen because he had created a flimsy excuse when Tink had asked him to join her in helping them unload Swan and Henry's belongings.
It was quite unlike him not to offer his assistance, and it could almost be considered bad form, which he abhorred. But he was trying to cling to some sort of self-preservation when it came to Emma Swan.
Right when he thought he had figured it out and believed he could live - not just survive - in Storybrooke without Emma Swan, she had turned around and upended his whole world as usual.
He had barely just learned to manage his broken heart; he had no idea how he would manage it if she were to be constantly within reach but always unobtainable.
She had made her intentions when it came to him clear when she left New York and enacted a silence of more than three months between them. Three months where the absence of her; of her voice, her smile, and her brightness had served as a constant reminder of what he could no longer deny.
Emma Swan was not interested in him or a future by his side.
And that was fine for him.
Until it wasn't.
Until she showed up again, talked to him, and looked at him with her bright green eyes in ways that made a man hope and fantasize. Only to later step back behind her walls in that infuriatingly smooth way of hers as soon as he dared hope for more.
In some twisted way, losing Liam and Milah had been easier than this. Losing them had meant saying goodbye to them forever. But Emma Swan was very much alive and wandering around town while he sat being haunted by the ghost of what could have been.
And he did not know how he would be able to survive, let alone live, like that.
"Oi, I thought we were done with all this bloody brooding of yours. Do I have to call Robin?"
Will Scarlet's voice broke him out of his thoughts, and as Killian eyed Will, Tink, and Ruby sitting down at his table without invitation, he realized they had managed to sneak up on him quite easily, something that was very rare for him.
Killian shook an uneasy feeling as he grimaced and rolled his eyes at Will; this was not the time for him to be walking around distracted. Not with his life in danger.
"Can't a man enjoy a drink in blissful silence without accusations of despondency being flung at him?"
"If you don't want to be accused of brooding, learn to fix your face," chuckled Ruby as she signaled the bartender for a round.
"I'll have you know; there is nothing wrong with my face. Quite the opposite, in fact," smirked Killian as he leered at her playfully.
Tink and Ruby rolled their eyes as Will snickered, and Killian suppressed a fond smile at their current predicament as their waitress handed them their drinks. It was not a new setting for them, as they had often joined him at the bar as soon as they realized how miserable he was drinking alone almost every night.
Robin and David had often joined them, especially in the beginning, but they both had lady loves and children at home, so their presence was not as recurrent. Especially when Killian's presence at the bar also dwindled as he began running the business and setting up the Academy with them.
"Soooo, Emma is back," said Ruby, raising her eyebrows at Killian expectantly.
"I'm aware. You texted me the same thing this morning, Red," sighed Killian.
"Yeah, and you ignored it, so I am saying it again," said Ruby laughing. "What's your plan, sailor?"
"Right now? Drink my rum and not get murdered."
Tink groaned at his response as Will shook his head and threw her a look that screamed, 'I told you so.'
"You know, I told them you wouldn't try to avoid the topic, and here you are proving me wrong. You know I hate losing to Scarlet," grumbled Tink. "What happened to all that talk about a man unwilling to fight for what he wanted deserving what he got and bla bla bla?"
"The lady has made her choice clear, Tinkerbelle. A man must also have good form," mumbled Killian against the rim of his glass.
"You don't know that! I told you that maybe if you - "
"What about the mermaid? Ariel's sister... Alana, was it? She was throwing you some heated looks last time we were here for drinks," interrupted Will quickly, throwing Tink a warning look.
"Oh, was she really? I'd like to hear more about that," smirked Ruby wolfishly, allowing for Will's drastic change of topic.
"No, she wasn't," hissed Killian. "And can we please stop discussing my love life? Don't you three have anything better to do?"
"Ahh, so you admit that talking about Emma is discussing your love life," giggled Tink as she finished her first drink of the night.
Killian rolled his eyes at her and sighed. He could foresee his night being filled with their constant meddling and ending with him having to drag Tinkerbelle home.
Fairies… always such bloody lightweights.
The next day Killian sat in his office at the docks, reviewing some papers Belle had left behind for him to sign. He did not usually come in on Saturdays, and the warehouse and offices were deserted, but with strict orders from David to avoid the sea, he had to devise a new way to pick up their cargo in Portland, and he did not want to leave all the work to Belle.
Besides, it was a good distraction for him and kept him out of the way and far away from popular places in town.
That morning he had walked confidently to Granny's only to see Emma Swan's silhouette and blond locks at the counter with Ruby through the front door, making him stop in his tracks and turn back immediately.
Tink had been incensed that he had not brought the pastries he had promised her. Even more so when he refused to tell her why.
The truth was, Killian, was sort of avoiding Emma Swan.
It was completely ludicrous of him, that much he knew. She was not only the daughter of two of his close friends but known by everyone and included in almost everything. It was a matter of time before she probably joined David on the force again (if she actually stayed, whispered that treacherous voice in his head), and he would run into her at the Academy, at their strategy meetings, and everywhere else he could think of.
He also could not go long without visiting Granny's. She would eat him alive if he did.
But that did not stop him from trying, at least for now.
"Knock. Knock," said Robin as he leaned his head into the office, carrying two coffee cups and a brown bag. "I come with coffee and food."
Killian looked up at his friend gratefully as he entered his office. He had been there for hours with only tea and some stale biscuits available to him and had been starving.
"Thank you, mate. It is needed. Did Belle tell you I would be here?"
"Yes, she seemed worried. Said something about you throwing yourself into work unnecessarily. Wanna tell me what she meant?"
"Ahh, the lass insists on reminding me and everyone she can that she can run my business better than me. I had to take care of some things on my own, though."
"Sure," said Robin sarcastically, raising his eyebrows. "Listen, Regina was actually the one to send me your way. Henry is struggling with his math homework, and you know how bad the two of us are at it. He's at the Academy for his sword lessons with David. Do you think you could make time to help him when they're finished? I'll be giving an archery class and can take him home when you two are done."
"Of course. I can assist the lad with whatever he needs. I was planning on heading to the Academy either way; I forgot some of my books in the library."
"Thanks, mate. We appreciate it."
Killian nodded and turned back to his papers, expecting Robin to leave now that his business was settled. Instead, the thief started to look around casually as if he had never been in the office, clearly struggling to put into words whatever it was he still wanted to say.
"Alright, mate. Spit it out already," sighed Killian.
Robin turned to look at him and leveled him with a look that made him, not for the first time, question how the man in front of him had ever been a thief. Granted, he stole from the rich and gave to the poor, but he still stole and broke the law. Despite his crimes, Robin Hood was one of the most noble and honest men Killian had ever met.
They had grown quite close as both men had been closely acquainted with the wrong side of the law and the pain of cruelly losing a woman they loved. However, while Robin had found solace in Roland in those dark moments, Killian had had only himself and his rage.
(...and while Robin found a second chance at love, Killian had lost it)
"Emma is back in town," said Robin carefully.
"Aye, so I keep being told."
"And what will you do about it?"
"I don't see why I would have anything to do with it," sighed Killian, exasperated at the expectations his friends kept placing on him. "Emma made her intentions clear to me months ago. I have no intention of following that path again. I've moved on."
The look Robin threw him told him he did not believe a word of that, especially the last part, but Killian was not about to tell him he was right to doubt his words.
He did not even know if it was possible to move on from Emma Swan.
(And if it was, he was doing a very shit job at it)
"And you are absolutely sure about what those intentions entail? Because she was throwing you some interesting looks last week," smirked Robin. "I would wager to say she did not take her eyes off you the whole night."
"I'll be sure to bet against you then," lied Killian. He had been very much aware of Emma's gaze on him. He simply refused to get his hopes up again. There had to have been another reason as to why she had been watching him so closely.
"The Lady Swan does not like when things are kept from her. I am sure it was mere curiosity and concern seeing the current situation."
Robin scoffed and sat down on the armchair in front of his desk, folding his arms as he assessed him carefully. It seemed it would be one of those conversations with the archer then.
"She came back, Killian. This could mean something for you, for the both of you."
"She came back for Henry. And her parents. Not for me."
"You don't know that. Maybe she doesn't even know it yet, but I know what I saw, what I have seen. Emma Swan is not done with you," countered Robin.
"Well, maybe I am done with her, Robin. Or have I no say in this?" snapped Killian.
"Do you want to be done with her?" questioned Robin slowly.
Killian paused before answering; it was obviously a rhetorical question. Both he and Robin knew that was not what he wanted. But he was nothing if not a proud and arrogant man when he wanted to be.
"I do."
"Not even you believe that Jones," sighed Robin painfully. "Why are you being so difficult about this? She came back. This can be your second chance."
"I already had a second chance, Robin. Three if we consider our separation by Pan's curse," replied Killian.
"Well, this can be your fourth or fifth or whatever you'd like to call it. Just don't give up, Jones," implored Robin.
"Why do you care so much, Robin? Why do any of you, honestly?" said Killian as he stood up and turned his back to Robin, striding to the large window overlooking Storybrooke's marina.
"Because I have seen the man you are and the golden heart you carry despite how much you try to paint it black. Have seen your honesty and your courage. I have spent afternoons laughing with you and have spent countless days watching you learn everything there is to learn about this realm. I have seen you grow, Killian, but I don't think I have seen you truly happy," observed Robin quietly. "I want to see you happy."
He was right, of course.
Killian had done so much more than what he thought he would be capable of when Emma left. He had been sure that he would eventually revert to the rageful pirate and disappoint everyone, including himself.
And yet, somehow, he had not.
He had made a life for himself, stayed in the quaint little town in a realm that wasn't his, and built a home for himself with friends that resembled a family. It was a life that Liam and Milah would be proud of, something he would have never been able to even dream of two centuries ago.
It had made him proud of himself for the first time in forever.
But it had not made him happy.
But he was hoping with all his might that it would be enough, though. That this, having her in his life but not in his arms. It would be enough.
He had his friends and a life with some sort of purpose that did not involve spending two centuries on a cursed island. Besides, it was time he stopped running.
So, he would stay the course and not deviate.
(Even if he had felt as if something had changed that night in the hallway when she looked at him with her bright green eyes and said his name)
But he could not take a chance that he was wrong about her and get his heart broken again.
He understood what he must do, but it seemed his friends didn't—or simply refused to.
"Listen, mate," sighed Killian. "I appreciate the concern; I truly do. But it is not needed. It hurts, but I made my peace with it. I gave it my all and failed, but that's okay. I love a challenge," chuckled Killian, remembering that damned beanstalk.
It had been the beginning of the end for him.
(He hated not knowing what it had been to her)
"While our universes have somehow coincided, there will be no verses, no poems to describe something we might have called love. Our story never truly began," sighed Killian. "Maybe in another life, I would have given her everything I feel for her."
(Maybe in another life, the Lieutenant and the Princess would have somehow found each other and fallen in love against all odds…)
Killian shook the thought and the tears that gathered in his eyes and turned back to Robin.
"But it is not to be, Robin. In this life, I am left wanting to give what burns in my heart," whispered Killian, defeated.
"Killian -"
"No, Robin. Listen to me! I do not want to discuss it anymore!" snapped Killian, agitated.
"It is what it is. If anything is to ever happen between us, it would have to be because of her. I'm starting to realize that I will always love her, no matter what. And that's alright. It is easier to reach the sun than Emma Swan's heart, much like Icarus… I burned. But I'm a survivor, so I'll keep on with my course while she keeps hers."
Robin shook his head, and Killian stepped up to clap the man on the back reassuringly.
"I know I named you my first mate, but in this, let me sail alone," he declared solemnly.
The thief could do nothing else but nod, speechless as he was.
"You should ask my mom out."
Killian tried not to choke on his own spit as he slowly registered Henry's words as they echoed in the silence of the Academy's library.
Bloody hell.
"Pardon?"
His best strategy right now was obviously to play the fool. He had no idea how he was supposed to tackle this particular conversation. It was not one he had ever had to have before, unlike with Robin and Tink.
They had easily moved through the lad's homework with time to spare and were killing time while they waited for Robin to finish the training, he was giving to take Henry home. Killian had let the lad entertain himself with the books in the library that Regina would certainly frown upon while he studied for his own upcoming exams.
Clearly, that had been a mistake.
"You should ask my mom out. Emma, not Regina. Before you try to deflect with that," said Henry, rolling his eyes like a true teen.
Killian cursed internally as he racked his brain for a way to dissuade Henry from the conversation without offending him or his two mothers.
"Henry, lad. I'm afraid I can't do that."
"Can't or won't?" challenged Henry immediately.
"Can't. I am not sure your mother would appreciate it, and honestly, lad, I believe she would like it even less if she were to find out that you were the catalyst for it, especially in this manner."
At least, the lad had the decency to look sheepish as he considered what Emma would think of his actions, but Killian could still see the determination in his eyes to continue the conversation.
"I think she would. Appreciate you asking her out that is," countered Henry confidently.
"Has she told you this?"
"Well, not really, no."
"Then you have no reason to be speaking so confidently about what your mother wants, lad. We've talked about this, remember? Emma is a grown woman; she can handle herself. It is not up to you to make decisions for her. You should enjoy being a kid for as long as you have."
"Well, I'm trying! But you stupid adults keep ruining everything!" snapped Henry suddenly, clearly upset.
Killian sighed and stood up to lead the lad to sit on the chaise on the opposite side of the room.
"How about you tell me what this is truly about, lad?" asked Killian as they sat down.
"My mom is back in town."
"Aye, so I've noticed. I figured you would be happy she came back."
"I am! But you don't seem like you are," admitted Henry despondently. "I know she hurt you, and now you probably won't want to be around me, so you don't have to see her. But who will help me with my math homework? Or teach me how to sail and how to fight?"
"First of all, don't let David hear you say that; he'll kill me. Second, I am quite offended by your assumption Henry. I'm not going anywhere, lad. You can always count on me, regardless of how I might feel about your mother."
"Really?"
"Really," smiled Killian, ruffling his hair and pulling Henry towards him so he could lean his head on his shoulder carefully.
That was exactly how Emma found them seconds later as she strode into the library confidently.
"Hook! What are you doing here?"
"Mom! Killian was helping me with my math homework, didn't Mum tell you?"
"No, I got the impression Robin was the one helping you."
"Nah, both he and Mum suck at math," snickered Henry. "
"And I got the impression Robin was taking Henry home. Is everything alright, Swan?" questioned Killian.
"What? Yes, of course," mumbled Emma. "Well, actually, Roland is sick, and it seems to be contagious. So, you're going home with me, kid. Hope you don't mind."
"Can we watch Star Wars? You promised we would have a sleepover with David and Mary Margaret like we used to," questioned Henry, suddenly excited.
"You can ask them, kiddo. But I can't make you any promises; your grandparents might want to rest, seeing how much Leo is putting them through."
"That's alright! Goodbye, Killian. Thank you for today," said Henry as he grabbed his school bag and started heading towards the door.
"No worries, lad," smiled Killian. "Have a nice day, Swan."
He did not wait for her response as he turned away and walked to the desk where all his books had been lying around and started stacking them together to take with him.
"Henry, wait for me a moment," whispered Emma. "Hook!"
He turned the moment he heard her speak, waiting expectantly for what she had to say.
"I wanted to thank you for helping Henry with his homework. I'm even worse at it than Robin and Regina combined, and they're fairytale characters. Though I'm curious to know where Captain Hook learned algebra," laughed Emma.
Killian hid his grimace at her words. It was always back to the fairytales with her one way or another.
"It was no matter, Swan. I enjoy helping the lad, and I had business in the library, too," said Killian, waving at the pile of books he had assembled on the table to take home with him.
Emma threw a look at the pile and furrowed her brows. "Those are Finance books, though; I doubt they would help in unmasking our mysterious villain."
"Killian is following an online Finance course, Mom. Isn't that cool? Captain Hook is in college!" said Henry excitedly, not even trying to hide that he had been eavesdropping.
Killian grimaced as Emma turned questioning eyes on him.
"Very cool, indeed," said Emma, raising an eyebrow at him. "For your company. Right? David told me about it."
"Aye, this realm is quite advanced in some matters, and I figured I could benefit from some financial education if I am to run a business in it."
"That sounds really clever of you, Hook. I would love to hear more about it, maybe even a tour?" teased Emma.
Was she flirting with him?
No, it couldn't be.
"I'm afraid there's not much to see, lass. But I'm sure Belle or I could show you around if you ever find yourself in the neighborhood. It's as much her business as it is mine nowadays."
He watched her face fall and felt even more bewildered than before. Had he said something wrong?
"Yeah, sure. Of course," said Emma slowly.
"Well, it was good to see you, Swan. Henry," nodded Killian as he picked up his books and started walking to the door, suddenly in a hurry to put some distance between him and Emma.
"Hook, wait! Are you heading back to town? I could give you a ride if you want to. It's quite a walk."
"I have my own vessel, Swan. But thank you for the offer."
"You can drive one-handed? Is that legal?" questioned Emma carelessly.
Killian could not help the glare he threw her way at her careless comment about his handicap. It was not the first time she had made such a comment, and it was clear to him what she thought of him and his disability.
(I have magic, he has one hand)
He watched as she flinched when her words and tone registered with her but decided to interrupt before she had a chance to apologize or double down on her carelessness. He had not missed her continued use of his moniker despite almost everyone else's use of his true name. She would not show sympathy and understanding for his handicap if he only saw him as the myth of the one-handed pirate, and it was not something he wished to deal with now.
"Aye, it is not as difficult as you would think," snapped Killian as he adjusted the books in his arms, smiling goodbye to Henry with a nod. "Goodbye, Swan, have a lovely day."
Killian took a drag of his cigarette and slowly exhaled, wishing all his fears and worries would leave his body the way the smoke did. He had technically stopped smoking, or at least he had promised he would stop, only to start back up again after the attacks.
It had become something like a ritual for him to sit on his balcony facing the sea late at night as he lit a cigarette or two and got lost in his thoughts.
The relative calmness of the glittering sea was in stark contrast to the internal conflict going on within the man who usually gained such peace watching the ebb and flow of the gentle waves.
He missed the sea, missed being amid blue without nothing but the waves and the far horizon to see for miles. It was a form of torture to live this close to it, to have it within reach but having to keep his distance. He could not remember the last time he had stayed on land for this long, could not fathom having to go any longer than what he already had.
He knew David's orders were necessary. While there had been no other attacks, watchmen still reported strange sightings of a ship that was there but wasn't, of the feeling of being watched, and of strange movements under the water.
It didn't make it any easier for him to stay away from the water though.
Killian supposed he should have been more worried about the threat to his life and Storybrooke than with Emma Swan. And yet, as he sat there, it was not the research or possible clues that he considered but his behavior towards Emma that day.
His fingers hovered over his phone screen as his brain and heart continuously debated his next step.
While he had been within his rights to be hurt and offended by her comment (Henry had once sat him down seriously and educated him on the term 'politically correct' and what it entailed regarding his disability), he could not help but cringe at how brusque he had been with her. It had clearly been unexpected to her if the face she made when he had left been any indication.
He had been rude, which meant he should probably apologize to her, which he would.
Except he did not want to see her.
And therein laid his conundrum of the night.
He could walk into town tomorrow, find Emma Swan and apologize, or he could text her an apology and probably throw his phone in the ocean.
Once upon a time, he would have considered no other option but the first one. Once upon a time, he would have been happy with any opportunity life presented for him to step in front of Emma Swan's path.
Now, he did not think he would survive it.
(Maybe it's you who can't handle it)
He was too weak when it came to Emma Swan. One smile, and he was gone.
Which is why he needed to stay away from her.
So… text message it is.
(You bloody coward)
He opened the little box for texting and sighed.
He hated texting.
For as much as he had learned about this realm, his memories had always been his; he had always been Killian Jones, a man of the Enchanted Forest. And Killian Jones was not a modern man. But he tried, and he learned.
But he was still shoddy at texting, especially since he had just the one hand. He directed his finger to the keyboard and stopped suddenly.
What the bloody hell was he going to say? And should he add those xx's Ruby insisted on? Was it necessary for him to sign the message? Surely she would know it was him, right?
Fuck, he was going to be here all night.