First of all, apologies for the delay in updating this. I've been really unwell (still am), took on a new role at work and had to catch up on my studies. Trigger warning with this chapter for people who experience PTSD and depression. I am basing this off my long-term experience with depression. I did some reading up on PTSD too to guide me.
29/07/2017. St Andrew's Hospital, Virginia. 13:05 hours.
Something felt wrong. Very wrong. And Spencer could not put a finger on the cause of his discomfort. He had been assisted out into the hospital gardens in a wheelchair. His robe was pulled tight around his thin frame. He stared at the grass, the bleaching sun beating down on his skin. His hands were folded in anxiety on his lap, his elbows resting against the arms of the wheelchair. He did not want to be there, or anywhere for that matter. He simply wanted to hide in a hole away from existence. He had been disconnected from his oxygen and drips. A Southern accent and the sound of giggling children attracted Spencer's attention. He slowly turned his head to peer over his shoulder, his brown curls bouncing against his cheek. JJ and Will were approaching with Michael and Henry. Spencer's face burned with shame at feeling so low when his beautiful godsons were there to see him. Henry spotted Spencer first and ran towards him, arms extended out for a hug. Spencer initially stiffened, then relaxed into the older boy's embrace, his good arm curled around his waist and head nuzzled into his shoulder. Henry pulled back and stared at Spencer, a giant grin across his face, blue eyes sparkling. He looked so much like his mother.
"Uncle Spencer! You okay?" Spencer smiled softly.
"I'm getting better but I've still got a long way to go. Your mom is helping me so much." Henry glanced back at JJ, then turned to Spencer.
"Mom says you're sad." Spencer encased the boy's hand in his own.
"I am. But I'm getting better. Really I am." Henry threw his arms around Spencer once again.
"Love you, Uncle Spence."
"Love you too, Henry." Spencer and Henry parted. Will encouraged Henry over to go get ice cream and give JJ and Spencer some privacy. Michael, however, was latched to his mother's leg, a toy train grasped tightly in his small hand. He blushed as he peeked out from behind JJ's leg, chewing on the plastic of the train. Spencer smiled warmly at Michael to coax him over, then his eyes fell upon the toy train and his entire body tensed, eyes wide. His breath caught in his throat.
Images flashed through his brain, fragments of memories colliding in a supernova in his mind. Spencer could hear nothing but the screeching of metal against metal and blood-curdling screams. His eyes were fixed, wide and unblinking on the train. He was unable to hear JJ calling for Will. He did not even notice Will taking both boys away. His chest rose and fell rapidly, sending shockwaves of pain through his ribs. He was unable to catch his breath. His tongue felt like sandpaper as all moisture was drained away. JJ knelt down and cradled Spencer's face in her hands. He could not hear her soothing words of reassurance. He could only hear the train scraping along the rails. Fight or flight. Spencer chose the latter. He darted to his feet and started at a sprint across the freshly trimmed lawn. He tugged the sling over his head and cast it off as he ran. He ignored the burning agony raging through his injured leg. He needed to get away. Weakness in his leg caused him to stumble and hit the ground with a thud. Tears streaked his face as he dragged himself across the grass to escape, his fingers limply entwining in the green blades. JJ was trying to hold off the swarm of medics that were descending on the broken man, using her body as a shield, arms outstretched.
"Spence? Spence! You're safe. You're not there now." Spencer rolled onto his back and held his hands up over his face in defence.
"Go away! You're going to get hurt! You need to get off the train! Now!" JJ knelt down and grasped the man's quivering hands.
"Spence, you're not on the train. None of us are. You're in the hospital. Henry and Michael came to see you. Remember?" Spencer's breathing slowed as his eyes darted around him. Tear-filled eyes stared pleadingly into JJ's.
"Are they-? Did I hurt-?" hiccupped Spencer, a new wave of anxiety crashing down on him.
"No! You didn't hurt them, Spence. You're having flashbacks. You know what they're a sign of, don't you? Give me the statistics." Spencer's mouth bobbed.
"Flashbacks are common in post traumatic stress disorder, as is irritability and aggression, anxiety, nightmares, plus physical manifestations such as pain, sweating, nausea and trembling. Lifetime prevalence of PTSD is 6.8% with an estimated 3.6% of adults having PTSD." Spencer stopped rambling, aware that JJ was listening intently, hanging on to his every word. His eyes filled with more tears, "I'm so sorry, JJ. Oh my, god... I scared the boys! They must be terrified of me!" Spencer fought against JJ's hands as he sat up, panic bubbling inside of him.
"No, Spence! They didn't see! Will took them away for ice cream. I promise! They didn't see." JJ glanced up at the waiting nurse with a syringe in his hand. She nodded softly to him, "Spence, we need to get you back to your room so you can rest." The nurse approached slowly and cautiously as if trying to near a wild animal. He crouched down silently behind Spencer. Using his teeth, he tugged the cap off the needle and plunged it deep into Spencer's upper arm. Spencer whirled his head around, anger and fear blazing through his eyes.
"What do you think... You're... Doing..." His eyelids fluttered, his head lolling limply on his neck. The nurse recapped the needle and tucked it into his blue scrubs pocket, then gathered the unconscious man's torso into his arms. Another nurse grabbed both ankles. Together they hoisted Spencer up onto a waiting gurney. JJ felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. She knew deep inside her heart that Spencer would still believe that he was a monster and that her boys were scared of him. She slowly eased herself to her feet and turned to face Will who was returning with two happy, smiling boys that were tucking into ice cream cones. JJ spotted the toy train and realisation suddenly dawned on her- Spencer had had a PTSD reaction to the toy. She cursed herself for failing to have the presence of mind in the first place. Henry looked up at JJ, his blonde fringe hanging over his spectacles. He squinted to keep the sun out of his eyes.
"Mom, where did Uncle Spence go?" JJ swallowed down a lump of guilt and shame.
"He had to go and rest for a little while. We'll come back and see him tomorrow if he's feeling a bit better." Will gathered Michael up into his arms and planted a kiss on JJ's cheek.
"Everything okay, darlin?"
"Yeah. We'll talk about it later." Will nodded and guided the boys away. JJ looked up at the clinical brick walls of the hospital, her brain not wanting to think about Spencer's state of mind when the medication was due to wear off.
29/07/2017. The Jareau/LaMontagne Household, Virginia. 21:45 hours.
JJ stared blankly into her coffee which had long gone cold. Her hands wrapped tightly around the large, grey stone cold mug. Some of her blonde locks fell over her face. Absent-mindedly, she pushed them back behind her ear. Her buttocks had gone numb from sitting on the padded stool at the breakfast bar in the kitchen. Will sighed and ran a hand through his dark hair as he entered the kitchen and poured himself a cup of coffee from the machine on the bench. JJ did not react until the stool on the opposite side of the breakfast bar scraped across the tiled floor. She looked up with tears stinging her eyes to see that Will had joined. Will reached a hand over and cradled JJ's left hand. JJ curled her fingers around Will's.
"What happened today, Jayje?" JJ swallowed the lump in her throat down.
"Spence saw Michael's toy train and freaked out. He was adamant we were on the train and that we had to get off before we got hurt. I managed to bring him out of the flashback, but then he thought he hurt and scared the boys when he panicked, and it sent him into another meltdown. He tried to run away. I know he's going to have good days and bad days until the medication takes effect, but that was terrifying. He was so scared."
"The boys are safe and I know Spence would never hurt them."
"We know that. The question is, does Spencer? I've never seen him lose control like that."
"Of course he's going to have PTSD. He's already been through a lot and then this. It's going to take time. I know he's going to be okay with the team and everyone around him." JJ smiled softly at Will. He always seemed to know what to say, "Is there anyone staying with him tonight?"
"Penelope is."
"Why don't you text her in the morning to see how he is when he wakes up? If he's okay, we can take the boys to see him again. We'll just make sure Michael leaves his train here." JJ choked back her tears with a smile.
"I love you so much, William LaMontagne Jr."
"I love you too, Jennifer Jareau." JJ and Will gazed lovingly into one another's eyes, hands clasped over the sticky counter top.
30/07/2017. St Andrew's Hospital, Virginia. 02:08 hours.
Penelope sighed and glanced over at the sleeping form of Spencer Reid in the bed. He was curled up on his right side in the foetal position. The blankets that were pulled to his chin gently rising and falling with each breath. The EKG he had been reconnected to bleeped slowly and steadily. He looked far from peaceful with his eyebrows knitted together and his lips pursed. Penelope knew that she had to high tail it to the hospital when JJ had called her to explain what happened. She needed to be there for her boy genius when he woke. She silently slipped off her blue heels and curled her legs up underneath her in the chair. Penelope rested her head back against the chair and closed her eyes.
Penelope snapped her eyes open at the sound of shuffling. Spencer had rolled onto his back and was awake, eyes staring blankly at the darkened ceiling. She straightened in the chair, brown eyes fixed unblinking on the man before her.
"Spence? You okay?" Spencer turned his head towards her, then gripped his forehead, eyes squeezed tight and teeth gritted with agony.
"Headache. Bad one."
"You want me to get a nurse to give you something?" Spencer gently shook his head, curls brushing against the pillow. He slowly lowered his hand back onto the blankets and opened his eyes.
"Penelope? I screwed up. Big time."
"What do you mean?" Penelope leaned forward and clasped Spencer's free hand in her own.
"I had a flashback when JJ brought the boys to see me. I freaked out. I'm scared she won't bring the boys to see me again." Penelope squeezed his hand.
"Oh, baby boy. Of course she will. The boys didn't see what happened. You didn't hurt anyone."
"I need help."
"We're going to help you. When you get out of here in a couple of days, you're staying with me." Spencer shook his head again.
"Thank you. I appreciate it. What I mean is, I need psychological help. Therapy. I'll never be able to return to field duty as I am now." Penelope's heart sank. She knew it was bad when even Spencer admitted he needed help.
"And we will get you that help. You're not going to go through this alone, Spence." Spencer smiled at her, tears streaking his cheeks as he returned the squeeze of her hand.
"I love you. All of you." Spencer lay back against his pillows, his hand still encased in Penelope's and closed his eyes, a smile dancing on his chapped lips.