A/N - It's been a very long time since I updated. I realise every note is like this, I'm sorry.

TW self harm

I'm going to make this better.

She uttered these words over and over, wishing to some higher power - not Encanto - that they might just come true. That some instantaneous solution would undo all they've endured the previous years. She thought about the celebration that should have entailed her daughter receiving her gift. What this room might've become in another lifetime, who Mirabel might be. Should be.

It's as though Julieta has become submerged in water, only volts of electricity are piercing through each wave. The room isn't here anymore. Sounds are slipping into some distance universe, farther and farther from here and now, she's disappearing into the how and when's, this isn't her maiden voyage. Her thoughts are delving into a an excruciating examination of her parenting, of their past. How? How could she let this happen? This torrential course is well travelled, but it's never been so stormy. There's no lighthouse to be seen, no land to seek.

Mirabel is clinging to her, she doesn't know where to go from here, she's only sure that it's a long way down.

"I just want it to stop" A small frail voice said from under her. She was thrown back into the nursery with a hard landing.

Julieta swallowed hard. Her lips moved as though she was going to speak, but truthfully she didn't know what to say. Gently, she lifted Mirabel's chin. With a new understanding, Julieta found herself staring into the damaged psyche of her daughter. Mirabel, who felt she had spoken in spite of herself, looked hard at everything around her mothers face. Julieta's eyes were unbearably sad, the guilt Mirabel was feeling was enough to tear the house apart.

"I know my love." Julieta breathed out. Mirabel was reminded again that she had indeed spoken. "I want it to stop too."

Mirabel untangled herself from her mother, she pretended to not notice the sadness she had caused in doing so. "It's not going to." Mirabel said, shuffling backwards on the floor and crossing her legs until she was in arms length of Julieta. Undeterred by this detachment, Julieta closed the gap as quickly as Mirabel had created it.

"Why would you say that?" She furrowed her brows, staring unflinchingly at her.

"It's not obvious?" Mirabel half laughed. She was more mobile now shifting more in her seat, fidgeting with her clothing. Her anxiety was festering under this unwavering spotlight her mother imposed. It was as though she was staring directly into sunlight.

"I'd like you to tell me." Julieta persisted.

Chewing her lip attentively, Mirabel fell silent. There was so many things to say, but being asked what was wrong created so much noise in her head it was difficult to pull sentences out. And secretly, she was terrified. What if, sharing how she felt pushed her mother away? Encanto saw something in her that her mother hadn't. After all she had done to try to fix it, how much she had pleaded with this damn candle, clearly, she had done something seriously wrong. Every night since, Mirabel painstakingly dug up the graves of years prior, but she had been so small. What could a child have done so badly that doomed her of ever fitting in? This basic human desire, this instinctual need, forbayed from her by some higher power. Had it been that the Encanto looked at her life in its entirety and decided her unworthy? Perhaps it just may be that they knew she would never reach their expectations, that bestowing a gift upon her would be a waste of valuable resource.

What if this feeling would never stop because it was never meant to?

Like death, perhaps this was her inevitable. Her doom.

"If it was going to get better, it would have by now" Mirabel replied. "I've tried everything I can, and well nothings -" She trailed off.

"This" Julieta gently cradled Mirabel's arm. "This won't help."

"It does"

Her eyes darted to her daughter, her stomach flipped. Does? The present tense was painful. Julieta went pale, her eyes flickered between the lines etched on her daughters arm and Mirabel's almost nonchalant expression. It scared her, how calm her daughter was.

"How?" Julieta asked. Her hand came up, reaching out to Mirabel hovering for a moment before settling back into her lap. "How does hurting yourself make you feel better?" She rasped, swallowing a hard lump afterwards.

How could Mirabel explain this to the woman who's gift was to heal? They were polar opposites. Shame was eating away at her making her insides feel worse and worse.

"It releases something... I - don't-" She regretted the words as soon as they left her mouth. She tried to hide it, but Julieta was clearly struggling with the fact that Mirabel could continue on with this theory. "I'm sorry"

"I don't understand" Julieta gulped. Mirabel shrank further into herself. This had been a mistake. Maybe this was why Encanto was punishing her, she was hurting the most wonderful person she knew. Seeing her daughter wring her hands so fervently, Mirabel couldn't bare to look at her. "I'm trying to, Mirabel. Please."

Mirabel shook her head incessantly, the words were crawling up her throat but she feared all that would come out was a choked and painful sob. So she suffered, gently rocking herself back and forth in a feeble attempt to self soothe.

"Please" Julieta said softly. Her eyes were wide as she watched her world crumble in front of her. "Talk to me, Mirabel."

"I feel better, when I do it." Mirabel choked out. "I don't know why" She added quickly.

It was only a second, but Mirabel was sure an eternity passed before her mother spoke. She winced when she heard her mothers sharp intake of breath, waiting to be abandoned, for ruining everything further.

Instead, she felt a warm hand once again holding her arm, a gentle finger tracing her raised scars, Julieta didn't touch the newer cuts, which was fine by Mirabel. The staring was burning through her skin enough.

"How long have you been doing this to yourself?"

"Not long." Mirabel assured. Though nothing could reassure Julieta. Mirabel could see the cogs spinning in her mothers mind, even in the nursery her mothers upset shone clearly through the little light they had. What if by sharing this Mirabel was dragging her mother down with her? This small room could barely hold Mirabel's suffering, the addition of Julieta's grief was suffocating. She envisioned the room collapsing around her, Casita burning into nothingness so she would never have to look at that wretched candle again. Even if she left, her mothers pain would follow her forever.