Fate Grand Order is the creation and intellectual property of Nasu Kinoko and Type-Moon.
Batman is the creation of Bob Kane and Bill Finger and intellectual property of DC Comics.
Still Better than Black Keys.
Chapter Nineteen.
Assassin.
Real Name: The Joker.
Full REAL Name, You Ask?: I'll tell you what. Why don't you tell me yours first?
Known Titles and Aliases: Jack Napier, The Clown Prince of Crime, Joseph Kerr, the Harlequin of Hate, John Dough, Jack White, Oberon Sexton, Ivar Loxias, Oda Nobunaga, Bianca Stepplechase (don't ask!)
Alignment: Lawful Good. What? You don't believe me? Why would I lie to you? When have I ever lied to y— Wait, wait, wait, don't walk away! Fine! Chaotic Evil! Happy now?
Attribute: Human. Although I must admit I'm not too humane. A humanitarian, sometimes.
Likes: Some of us just want to see the world burn. Of course, if Solomon does it instead of me, then what's the point? So he must be stopped at all costs! That's my immoral duty! Other than that, I like classic comedies, Immanuel Kant books, dead puppies, live puppies, hyenas, dead orphans, fish dishes, and practical jokes above everything else. Also, Batman.
Dislikes: Batman, other people who take themselves way too seriously. Jerry Lewis.
Natural Enemy: Batman, Superman, Spider-Man, Robin, the Punisher, the Faker Batman, Emiya Kiritsugu.
Parameters:
Strength: D
Endurance: B
Agility: C
Mana: B
Luck: A+
Noble Phantasm: EX
Biography:
Yours Truly emerged from chemical waste at the Axis Chemical Factory in Gotham City, Dear Good Ol' USA, ten to seven years ago. I may have been a failed comedian struggling to support a doomed pregnant wife before that. Or maybe I was just a cheap thug wearing a red hood. Or both things at once. Really, am I asking you about your past? About if you've moved from Mom's basement yet?
Regardless, from there, I quickly pulled a gang together and began a mass extortion racket killing millionaires and threatening other fat cats to spill their goods to me or else. A pedestrian plan, but give me a break, I was only starting. In all truth, it was a decoy scheme to get me some money while achieving my true goal- poisoning the Gotham Water Reservoir. Unluckily, a certain flying rat stopped my beautiful dreams. In the ensuing struggle, I was left for dead, but you can't keep a good clown down for long.
I think my second criminal escapade involved stealing jewels and crossing Catwoman (God, I hate cats.) Don't want to talk about it, actually.
For my third outing, I kidnapped a councilwoman to use as a bait for Batsy. The trap worked a bit too well, and I thought I had actually killed him. With my nemesis dead, I thought I had nothing left to top it, so I hung the clown shoes and decided to start a new life at the suburbs under a fake identity. I met a nice girl named... what was her name... Rebecca?... there, and thought of settling down, but well, a good bat doesn't stay dead either. Once the Batman returned the stage, I had to pull a comeback of my own.
Sometimes I wonder what became of what-was-her-name.
Anyway, that was the first and final time I flirted with retirement. I bedeviled Bats a few more times, including a team-up with Metropolis' second (ha hah!) favorite son Lex Luthor, which made Bats and Supey team up as well for the first time ever. (They owe everything to us.)
Around that time, Bats gained a disturbingly youthful boy helper in hot short pants named Robin. Even I couldn't out-creep that, so I settled for convincing a young psychiatrist promise at Arkham Asylum for the Criminally Insane, one Dr. Harleen Quinzeel, to join my merry crusade as the bombastic Harley Quinn. Then she paid my kindness by flirting with that eco-slut Poison Ivy whenever I just threw her off a window or something. Honestly, other than big breasts, Angelina Jolie lips, and an unhealthy tolerance for the smell of fertilizer, what does she have that I don't?
In any case, a few happy adventures after, I shot Robin a few times under the rain (my finger slipped on the trigger! For real!), leaving him a swiss cheese. The brat survived (THERE IS NO JUSTICE!), but Batman, fearing for his safety, 'fired' him (a bit too late, Bats...) Proving there's no limit to human idiocy, however, the Boy Blunder just left Gotham to found the group of super snot-nosed failures known as the Teen Titans.
More recently, I kidnapped Gotham Police Commissioner Jim Gordon and shot and crippled his daughter Barbara just to prove an important point on human sanity and decency; however, Old Gordon and Batman cheated and deprived me of my rightful moral victory. I also was involved in the theft of a nuclear bomb I sold the nation of Qurac. During that mischievous escapade, the second brat that unrepentant child endangerer with bat ears hired to play the Robin role got in my way, so I pummeled him to half death with a crowbar, then blew him up with tons of TNT for good measure.
I mean, it's what YOU would have done too, right?
Recently, I was freed from the Throne of Heroes and convinced to help save the world for once. Yeah, eat that, Batman!
I can tell we're going to have some major fun.
Class Skills:
Presence Concealment: B.
I'm a showoff whenever I want to be, being prone to bombastic, fantabulous grand entrances, and normally I like nothing better than having every eye in the room set on me. But when I want to slip under the radar, you bet your sweet butt I can be quite stealthy and slippery! I have snuck on agents of the League of Shadows, the descendants of those Hassan guys, and ambushed them in the darkness of their own caves, easily killing them off when they came after me. A few times, I've been able to sneak up on Batman, who has all sorts of fancy ninja stealth crap himself. Another time, I infiltrated the headquarters of the Gotham City Police Department and killed everyone in the building but Jim Gordon.
And of course, I can and have escaped any maximum security prison in the world, including Arkham Asylum and the Slab, more than once. Piece of cake!
Territory Creation: C
I can quickly set up and prepare a Ha-Hacienda, a fiendish laboratory funhouse deathtrap as my base of operations. Each Ha-Hacienda allows me to store a vast number of hired henchmen to do most of my dirty work for me and plenty of equipment to happily cook and prepare my nefarious poisons, as well as tons of nice deadly traps for any snooping magi, low ranking Servants, or urban vigilantes. Sadly, these traps usually are of no good against superpowered interlopers.
Item Creation: A
Beyond having a wonderful sense of humor and irresistible sexual magnetism, I am a criminal genius, gifted at Chemistry and Mechanics. My favorite weapon is the hilarious Joker Toxin, aka Smilex, Joker Juice or Joker Poison, an invention that swiftly kills while leaving a grinning rictus on your face.
Besides that, I can and have created a wide variety of wonderful devices like exploding Jack-in-the-Boxes, rigged shooting toy airplanes, souped up Jokermobiles that can ourun that old can the Batmobile, trick gag guns that shoot spears, acid squirting flowers in the lapels of my suit, functional jetpacks to fly around with, and even gigantic robots with enough strength as to wallop Superman around for a while.
Personal Skills:
Double Summon: A
I'm such a hot shit I can be summoned with the Skills of an Assassin and Caster at the same time, making me extremely unpredictable and dangerous, just like that Semiramis babe, but even hotter. This is a very rare skill, boys and girls! Reserve yours today!
Mental Pollution: A+
I am so insane I cross the whole field over to super-sanity, allowing me to remember prior repeats of this timeline, and know we're just living in a fanfic and we should just relax. (La-la-la!) How does that work? Beats me, what do I look like? A cosmologist? It even grants me protection against most psychic attacks! On the downside this makes it difficult for those who don't share this skill with me to understand me, but hey, their fault if they don't get the joke, right?
Expert of Many Specializations (False): C
Years of experimenting on myself have rendered me immune to most toxins and venoms, and even my blood is toxic, so sorry, Evangeline, Shinobu, Rachel, Marceline. You always could suck another part of me, though.
Although I'm no Lady Shiva, Li Shuwen, Ku Fei or anything, I'm a decent self taught street brawler, and can trade occasional punches with Bats.
I can pilot airplanes with remarkable ease, I'm a mean if somewhat reckless driver, and I speak formidable French (the language of Love!) Regrettably, mounting animals (get your mind outta the gutter!) is a no-no, much less Phantasmal Beasts or Dragons.
Additionally, while I don't know much about spells, and I'm no Harry Potter knockoff with Goku genes tossed in, I can pull a mean disappearance trick with a pencil...
Noble Phantasms:
Emperor Joker- The Ultimate Joke on Everyone!: EX
Anti-World (look at that, Gil!)
Once, I hijacked the phenomenal cosmic powers of an imp of the Fifth Dimension I tricked into revealing his true name to me. With the little goober's powers, I reshaped the whole of this universe to my whim, gaining practical omnipotence, but my admittedly insane obsession with Batman ended up being my downfall again, and I was stripped off those powers. This Noble Phantasm allows me to briefly recreate those golden moments, but with several limitations from my status as a Anti-Heroic Spirit.
First, the NP can be used only once per War. Second, it requires a tremendous mana pull on a very strong Master, or previously consuming an extremely high number of souls, to be pulled off successfully. There's a fifty/fifty chance, even there, the Phantasm's activation will destroy the Master, the Servant, or both after completion, although Survival of both is still possible with a good Luck roll. The Phantasm, when all conditions are reached, allows for reality warping on a mass scale. Enemy Servants can be destroyed in a single attack, and Beasts of Humanity will lose half their health; they can be destroyed if they've been seriously damaged previously. My ultimate, most spectacular trump card, but not one I would like to play too lightly. Death is fun when it's other people's, but living is so much fun, too!
Summoning: "Uh-uh-uh, don't touch that remote! I know it's heartbreaking to have your favorite summons pre-empted. But look what you're getting instead: me! The Joker! And a whole truckload of mindless violence and wanton property damage! Everything that makes Grail Wars great! So stay tuned, you won't believe your eyes..."
Start of Battle: "Why so serious?"
"If you expect to play against the Joker, you'd better be prepared to be dealt from the bottom of the deck!"
Victory: "Have you ever danced with the devil under the pale moonlight?"
"And now... You're fired!" (As I set the opponent on fire with a few matches and a can of oil.)
"HYA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
Defeat: "Why aren't you laughing? Why aren't you laughing?!"
"That's the downside of comedy. You're always taking shots from people who just don't get the joke!"
"Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and you cry alone!"
Defeat by Noble Phantasm: "Not funny.. It's not... funny..."
Noble Phantasm Activation: "You can be a goody two-shoes 'till the end of your days. You can listen to them say crime never pays. You can follow every law and be the big black bat. But why would you want to? Huh?! Where's the fun in that? Where's the fun in that? So, smile, darn you, smile! Everybody loves to grin. Follow my lead, recite my creed. And smile, darn you, smile!"
Extra Dialogue:
"Batman! Darling!" (When you have Avenger Batman.)
"Jingle Bells. Batman smells. Robin lay an egg. The Batmobile lost a wheel and the JOOOKEERRR GOT A-WAY!" (When you have Rider Santa Artoria Alter, Samba Ruler Quetzalcoatl, Lancer Santa Jeanne Alter Lily or Archer Santa Altera.)
"Oda Nobunaga, huh? I was Oda Nobunaga once..." (When you have Archer Nobunaga or Berserker Nobunaga.)
Birthday: "Happy birthday, Master! Here, I took the liberty of baking this cake for you and everything! It even has a stripper inside! Huh? Is she alive, you ask? Why would she be?"
Event: "Good evening, ladies and gentlemen! We're tonight's entertainment."
Holy Grail: "A box of cigars! But they've gotta be Cubans! HA HA HA HA HA HA!"
To be Continued.