Fate Grand Order is the creation and intellectual property of Nasu Kinoko and Type-Moon.

From the fact Chisame got a profile before Negi, you should have known the author of this fanfic has a type. This entry will be nothing but an open love letter. You are warned.

Still Better than Black Keys.

Chapter Thirty Two.

Assassin.

Real Name: Osakabehime.

Known Titles and Aliases: The Lady of the Walls, Mai Waifu.

Alignment: Chaotic Neutral.

Attribute: Earth.

Likes: Staying inside where it is warm and safe, playing videogames, collecting figurines, buying online and other similar things fitting fine aristocrats of fully refined tastes.

Liked by: Everyone who is noble, good and pure of heart.

Dislikes: Social interactions, meaning she is a visionary who foresaw the Era of the Coronavirus.

Disliked by: The scum of Earth.

Natural Enemy: I already killed them.

Parameters:

Strength: E

Endurance: E

Agility: E

Mana: A+

Luck: A+

Noble Phantasm: A++

Shut up, these are ALL excellent stats. As a matter of fact, literally, all those 'E's stand for 'Excellent'.

Biography:

The best and most wonderful of all Heroic Spirits. It is a well known fact that the Fate franchise was a years long preparation for the arrival of Osakabehime, and everything afterwards has been a prolonged epilogue to befit her greatness.

Osakabehime, a Yokai deified as the patron goddess of Himeji. She also has made a name for herself as the watchful spirit who has settled down and taken residence in the keep of Himeji Castle. A mistress of her domains, an ever vigilant guardian, a marvel of her era and ours. Originally a glamorous fox spirit, some evil bully harassed her into taking the motif of a bat instead, which is why I support Nero all the way. Suzuka can stay though, she doesn't use underwear and she's not a bitch like that woman or the horned snake. It doesn't matter anyway, Hime-sama is as spectacular as a bat as she is as a fox anyway.

I also got my eye on you, Benienma. You know what you did.

Class Skills:

Presence Concealment (Shade): B

"The fact she locked herself up for years on end is not for show."

This is what the Material book says. Literally all it says on the subject, can you believe this complete lack of interest on such a fascinating topic and all its implications?

How could anyone fail to be interested on the paradox of such a brilliant, peerless existence managing to conceal her glory so effectively? Is it so us, mere mortals, are not blinded by her splendor? What does the 'Shade' part mean? Don't all Presence Concealments have to do with shading your presence to begin with? Does she need extra shading to hide the golden glow of her smile?

Regardless, it is still pointless expecting for a true explanation for this conundrum that our feeble minds can understand. Osakabehime-sama, after all, is all about achieving the impossible.

Territory Creation: A+

"She's not really a magus, but she's capable of creating a territory that's advantageous to her."

"She is the true owner of Himeji Castle."

She is the true owner of our hearts as well. Suck on that, Semiramis, Joker. So splendid Osakabehime-sama is, that she doesn't need your paltry Double Summon excuse if she wants to have a Caster's Class Skill. Only reason why she didn't take Item Creation too is so you wouldn't feel bad.

As expected from Hime-sama, all benevolence and wisdom.

Personal Skills:

Chiyogami Manipulation: EX

"She is able to control her origami at will. She can use it to attack, defend herself, and she can even combine it with her Shapeshifting skill to make decoys."

"This is her own personal arrangement of the shikigami utilized by practitioners of Onmyoudou."

A practical, elegant skill requiring nimble fingers, a sharp mind, and ecological conscience, as the materials used are biodegradable. Check that rank! EX! Ah ha ha, it's true that Grand Order gives EXs away like candy, but this one is true, true! All too true!

(All of Hime-sama's skills are actually EX, but please don't tell anyone. The other Servants need to keep on thinking they aren't redundant with her around. Those poor sad people).

Shapeshifting: A+

"She possesses the power to shapeshift. In front of other people she appears as a young girl of about 17 to 18 years of age wearing a ceremonial kimono, but can also turn into a three meter-tall fierce god."

"Moreover, despite being so reserved, she possesses a top-class growth aspect within Japanese Servants which even managed to fool Miyamoto Musashi."

... I don't really know what does 'growing up within a Japanese Servant' mean in the context of shapeshifting, so I really hope it's not some sort of futanari thing.

Still... far from me to question Hime-sama... I guess...

H-Hey, I wrote a profile for Kitami Reika after all. I'll be fine... maybe...

Four Gods Divination (Hakuro): A

"A skill based on the story of how the location for Himeji Castle (also called Hakuro Castle) was divinated by four gods."

"For a few turns, the surrounding area is treated as her own territory, and thus she gains a stat boost from fame."

"Moreover, she can control the boost to her stats to a certain extent by prioritizing certain directions in her territory."

"If she concentrates in the north, her END will be prioritized. If East, her STR. If West, her AGI. If South, her MANA."

"Both Servants and Masters within the area can benefit from this blessing, but the limit is four people."

I bet she has a really kickass home insurance too.

Castle Ghost: A++

"The general term used for monsters who migrated from places like shrines to castles. It is even said that Osakabehime was the real master of Himeji Castle."

"Rumors say that merely seeing Osakabehime would curse you, and could even kill you instantly."

"Sadly her power grows weaker the farther she gets from the castle, but within it she's extremely powerful."

There is no need to fear over this last line. There is a Himeji Castle everywhere, in each of our hearts.

Animal Control (Bats): EX

"She can control bats, which are neither beasts nor birds, as her familiars."

"She's become highly specialized in bats, and thus she uses them to attack and move, and she never fights by herself. She's pretty lazy."

I mean, just look at how many Skills she has, and this is all canon, I'm not making a sheet up this time! She's got more powers than Superman, and this is ranked EX too, and we aren't even counting her skills as an Archer! Rick on, Hime-sama! ROCK ON!

Also, lol Batman, I bet she could control your ass too.

Divinity: C

"She was worshiped as the indigenous god of the land of Himeji."

The denizens of Himeji, as we all know, were most illustrious men and women of exquisite culture.

Noble Phantasm:

Hakuro Jyou no Hyakki Hachitendou-sama: A+

"A grand-scale magecraft that is similar but different to a Reality Marble that manifests a miniature recreation of Himeji castle."

"With its majestic beauty, the castle provides mental support to allies."

"If Osakabehime herself was more fierce, the castle could unleash fierce attacks upon enemies by itself, but due to her nature as a shut-in it has become a purely defensive Noble Phantasm."

"It has a side-effect of inflicting charm upon Japanese Servants, especially those from up to the Edo period."

Since like 75% of the Servants nowadays are Japanese, this stuff is hella useful, so much that Type-Moon had to cheat and nerf it out of the game. Also, once again, Hime-sama proves her benevolence for not going all out on the rest of Servants with her full might.

Summoning: "Uh... um? Ah, yes, yes, I'm Osakabehime, the Assassin. So... um, can I go home now? I can't? Oh, really."

It is at this point that you should postrate and humbly declare yourself as the Princess' Servant.

Start of Battle: " Ugh...I just want to live that hikikomori life... "

"Well let's get this over with already so I can shut myself in."

Victory: "Waah, I'm tired, I'm tired. But I would hate to lose."

"Kya! Aw, my clothes got dirty..."

Slowly, sensuously, Osakabehime went for the tub, starting to pull her clothes off...

Defeat: The idea Osakabehime-sama might ever lose to anyone is laughable, especially because she will do the smart thing and never should up for the fight in the first place. However, graciously, she gave a few token quotes to be used in the event of generously conceding victory to some unfortunate soul in need of self-assurance.

"Please wipe my hard dri-" (Collapses).

"I knew it... I should've stayed a hikikomori... Ungh!"

There are extremely valuable life lessons that we all should learn here.

Defeat by Noble Phantasm: "Ahyaaa!"

You... YOU DAMN BASTARDS!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!-!

Noble Phantasm Activation: "A purified boundary that protects all within Hakuro Castle. I am Hachitendou, the tengu that rules this place from hiding. The yokai Osakabehime shall gleam forever! Now, let's work hard and live that hiko life!"

I mean. Had you ever read anything more inspiring, more stirring, more life changing than this? This is what I want written on my gravestone.

Extra Dialogue:

"Oh-ho...why if it isn't Tamamocchi, who stole my fox cred! I was a fox, too, you know! But I know character overlap is a no-no in the Servant world. At least bats are cool, too... " (When you have Caster Tamamo, REEEEEEEE).

"Oh crap, Musashi-chan!? Wait a minute. Were you a guy or girl? Well, whatever. Uh...I mean, I'll have you know that I'm not unemployed! Just a hikikomori!" (When you have Saber Miyamoto Musashi).

Okay, two things. First, I'm pretty sure Servants aren't supposed to be employed. Their job is being Servants, and they don't even have any expenses, they don't need to eat and they bring their own clothes around. Artoria is the only one who had to apply herself as a waitress and that's because she eats and has to keep a physical presence. So don't feel like you have to apologize to someone who's even more of a drunk, freeloading bum than you, Hime-sama. At least you could be, I don't know, a programmer or something.

Second, the best Musashi is the Musashi from Aoyama Gosho's Yaiba. Sorry, he doesn't have breasts, but that's still the truth.

Birthday: "Happy birthday! Yep, your present is an online shopping gift code! Too impersonal?"

Okay, now for this one, I'm going to be 1,000% serious, this actually, no joke, I mean it, would be THE BEST birthday gift I've ever gotten.

Just think about that for a moment, will you? Thank you.

Event: "Come on now, do you really have time to be messing around in My Room during an event?"

I swear, I just swear, the way this is phrased, I, I can't take it anymore, I'm going to...

Holy Grail: "My wish? To stay inside forever..." (Clap, clap)

How is this woman still single?

To be Continued.