Johnny Velazquest had one sibling, a brother named Lincoln, but he knew all too well what it was like to have more. He and Linc were in tight with the Loud crowd, their neighbors, and there were times they ran roughshod over them the same way they did each other. Take, for instance, the time he and Linc were drafted by two warring factions of the Louds to settle a dispute, and wound up on opposite ends of the battlefield, or the countless times they dragged him and Linc in a thousand different directions.

He liked the Loud girls, but they could be drama. They were always fighting, arguing, being loud (heh, no pun intended), and generally making things harder for themselves, and each other, than they had to be.

But that wasn't his problem. If they tried to draft him and Lincoln into their little spats or projects, all he had to do was hide. Lincoln, too nice for his own good, always let them pull him in, like spiders roping a fly into their den, but not Johnny. If he smelled trouble coming (or saw a giant group of girls crossing the street in his direction), he skedaddled and held up in the attic, where he flipped through old magazines until the coast was clear. Dad had a stack of old wrestling magazines and after a while, Johnny knew about as much about the "sport" as Dad, though he'd never sat through an entire match and probably never would. He also read a few of Mom's old Danielle Steel paperbacks up there. Don't tell anyone, cuz he had a reputation to uphold, but he liked those books.

Anyway, Johnny wasn't always quick enough to escape being sucked into the midst of the Loud girls' drama.

Case in point.

It was early on a Saturday morning, and Johnny had been awake since just before five. He stayed up all night Thursday editing together a music video for a friend of his, and spent all day Friday exhausted and hating life. He went to bed after dinner and woke up early. He showered, made himself a bowl of cereal, and settled down in front of the ancient PC in his and Lincoln's room for a Spongebob marathon. Lincoln rolled out of bed at seven and Mom and Dad started moving around a half hour later. At breakfast, Mom tried to get Johnny to come antiquing with her. "It'll be so much fun," she said with a big, cheesy smile.

Uh...no, it won't be.

He made up an excuse about having to visit a sick friend in the hospital, and she moved onto Lincoln, "What about you, honey? I know a place with the best kitsch." She waved her hand to punctuate her sentiment.

Lincoln looked like a deer in the headlights. "Uh...well...he's my friend too, so I better tag along with Johnny."

The light in Mom's eyes died.

Just a little.

"Okay," she said with a hint of disappointment, and for a brief second, Johnny almost reconsidered.

Almost.

He loved his Mom, but she got really into antiquing. Like...she'd go from antique store to thrift store to flea market to yard sale, getting more and more amped with each one until she shook like a junkie in the grips of a drug-fueled rush, and if you didn't pry her away with a crowbar, she'd be out there for hours. The last thing Johnny wanted to do with his Saturday was hit up every secondhand shop, garage sale, and swap meet in a fifty mile radius.

Sorry, Mom.

Dad, for his part, would spend the entire day in his chair watching WWE on Demand or nineties action movies on Starz. When Lisa used her little VHS Killer to destroy that tape Lincoln stole from Luan, Dad's wrestling videos got caught in the crossfire and he sank into a deep depression. Mom bought him WWE on Demand to make him feel better because "Look, it has all the same stuff." It didn't, though, which Dad bellyached about constantly. Oh boo hoo they edited out Crispin Wah and Mr. McMahon calling John Cena "mah n-word." Waaaah.

Johnny had to feel sorry for the guy.

After washing the dishes and cleaning the kitchen from top to bottom, Lincoln and Johnny started upstairs, but stopped when someone knocked on the door. Dad was esconded in his chair with a bag of pretzels and Live Free or Die Hard on TV, and Mom had already left for her epic day of antiquing. Johnny, therefore, had no choice but to answer. Not that he thought twice about it. Someone's knocking, what are you supposed to do, right?

Bad move.

As soon as he twisted the knob, the door was wrenched out of his hand and he and Lincoln were both yanked over the threshold by ten angry sets of hands. The Loud girls, all talking over each other, surrounded them like a group of flesh hungry zombies falling on some hapless heroes, and Lincoln and Johnny both cringed. Welp, it's been a good run.

"Quiet!" Lori screamed, and a hush settled over them.

"What's going on?" Lincoln asked.

"We didn't do anything, we swear," Johnny plead. "At least I didn't, I dunno about Linc. What'd you do to them, Linc?"

He shoved Lincoln for possibly angering the Louds in some way, shape, or form, and Lincoln glared, then shoved him back. Johnny started to lunge for him, but Lori silenced him. "We're going to Frank's Funland today."

"But Lori doesn't wanna play Guitar Hero," Luna said bitterly, "'cause she's lame."

"And Lori won't go-kart with me," Leni said, an abject hitch in her voice.

"And Lola thinks she's too good for the zoo," Lana said and shot her twin a dirty look.

Lucy sighed. "There's a legit haunted house nearby and I want to check it out, but everyone's too scared to go with me."

"I want to have a tea party," Lola humphed.

Lisa adjusted her glasses. "At approximately 8pm this evening, there will be a meteor shower and I was hoping that...perhaps…" she trailed off and blushed.

Lori rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, one hip cocked to the side. Johnny knew that look well. She was going to issue an order and the issuee would either follow it...or they'd end the day as a human pretzel. "None of us want to do the same thing," Lori explained. "That's where you two come in,"

Lincoln and Johnny exchanged a worried glance. Johnny had a full season of Spongebob calling his name, and the rest of the day free. Maybe having a clear schedule doesn't mean much to some people, but it did to Johnny. Between school, homework, chores, and church on Sunday, pretty much every single minute he had was accounted for. Saturday was his me-time, a magical and wondrous 24 hour period where he could do anything he wanted...or nothing at all.

That time was precious to him. If he wouldn't sacrifice it for his own mother, there was no way in heck he was going to give it to the Loud girls. "Well," he said and rubbed the back of his neck, "you see...me and Linc have -"

His words cut off when Lori snatched him by the front of his shirt and dragged him off his feet. Fire blazed in her eyes and her lips peeled back from her teeth in a cannibalistic sneer that dared him to continue so that it had an excuse to rend the flesh from his bones. "Listen, you little twerp, you and white hair are going to come to Frank's Funland with us and you are going to like it."

Have you ever heard the phrase "An offer you can't refuse"? It comes from that old mob movie The Godfather and literally means "an offer that you cannot turn down because it's not really an offer at all, it's a demand." This was one of those offers. Johnny was free to say no, but he was also free to get his butt kicked by a bunch of T'd off girls. If antiquing with Mom was the last place he wanted to be today, the emergency room was even last...erer.

"Alright, alright," he cried, "fine, we'll go to Frank's Funland with you."

A wicked grin carved across Lori's face, and she sat him back on his feet. "Good," she said. "I knew you'd make the right decision."

And that's how Lincoln and Johnny's day began.

Frank's Funland occupied a vast swath of flat land west of I-19, its tents, spires, roller coasters, and fluttering flags rising up over the stand of trees separating it from the highway. Booths, kiddie rides, and other attractions flanked a wide, dusty midway crammed with people. Kids with ice cream smeared across their lips ran wild like animals released from the world's strangest zoo, women in light, summary clothes pushed red-faced toddlers in strollers, and a fat man devoured huge clumps of cotton candy from a stick. Circus music filtered from unseen speakers, dull-eyed carnies watched marks try (and fail) to beat rigged games, and a man in a top hat and cut away tails invited everyone to "step right up." To what, Johnny didn't know. To get that butt whooped, maybe?

Billed as the largest attraction north of the Michigan state line, Frank's Funland comprised rides, a water park, a mini golf course, a go-kart track, stages where magicians, local bands, and stand-up comics played to generally apathetic crowds waiting for the lines to their favorite ride to thin out, and a zoo where tigers, lions, and other exotic creatures paced back and forth in big enclosures.

Across the street, Twin Pines Mall faced the amusement park like a duelist staring down a rival, and two blocks to the south, the old Chatterbuck Mansion peeked out from a grove of dead trees like a rotting face. Its roof sagged in the middle as if underneath the weight of years and strips of faded paint peeled from its decaying walls like dead skin. As they drove past it, Lucy slided up next to Johnny and looked up at him. Her expression was blank and her eyes hidden behind her bangs, but he could sense her gaze anyway. "That's where we're going."

Yay, he thought, I get to get eaten by a ghost. Fun, fun, fun!

"He's going mini golfing with me first," Lori said and shot Lucy a dirty look in the rearview mirror. "So back off, goth."

"I'm not a goth," Lucy said, "I'm an emo."

Lynn leaned over the back of the seat and mussed Lucy's hair. "I thought you were a loser."

"Get off of me," Lucy said. She twisted around and wiggled her fingers like a wizard shooting lightning at an enemy, and Lola threw her head back.

"Lori! Lucy's hexing people again!"

In the next seat over, Lisa sighed. "Lola, I've told you, there is no such thing as black magic. Or white magic, for that matter. Belief in such is fed by superstition and lack of education. Those two things, I might add, are what one should really concern themselves with."

Lori pulled the van into the crowded parking lot and they all climbed out. As soon as they got through the main gate, Lori grabbed Johnny by the back of his coat and dragged him away like a caveman with its bride. "We'll be on the links," she tossed over her shoulder, "Leni, you're in charge."

Leni fisted her hands to her chest in excitement and bounced up and down. "I, like, get to call the shots now."

Lola's face dropped into a deep glower. "We're all gonna die," she predicted.

The mini golf course was spread out between a massive water slide and the go-kart track. Johnny stood in line next to Lori and craned his neck to get a better look at the layout; he'd never been mini golfing before and had no idea what to expect. A split rail fence edged the green, and beyond, a zigzagging maze of walls, lanes, windmills, tubes, and tunnels surrounded each hole. "I appreciate you coming," Lori said, as though he had a choice in the matter. "I've been dying to get out here."

"No problem," he said, "mini golf is, uh, I mean, it looks fun."

"It's literally a blast."

So the balls explode when you hit them?

Gulp.

Happenin'.

When they reached the booth, Lori paid and took two clubs and two balls. She handed one of each to Johnny, and he turned the club over in his hands like he'd never seen one before. He had, but only in GTA 5. You hold it by the stubby end, right? "I didn't know you liked golf so much," he said as they made their way toward the first hole.

"Yeah, I just recently got into it," Lori said, "my friend Carol plays it a lot and she got me playing it." She uttered an easy laugh. "None of the others like it. Lynn just loves sports, but she hates the one I like. Go figure, right?"

Johnny shrugged one shoulder. "I guess. Lincoln likes comics but he doesn't like the ones I like."

"Eh, all comics are boring."

Well, you see, you're wrong there, but okay.

The first hole of the day was also the easiest. Ten feet separated the tee from the cup - the former being where you put your ball before you hit it and the latter being the little hole in the ground it's supposed to go into. The point of the game, Lori said, was to get the lowest score possible. Strange, but okay, pfft, he could do that easy.

Bending at the waist, she drew her club back and lightly tapped the ball. It rolled over the turf and sank into the hole.

"You're turn," she chirped.

Johnny took her place. He drew the club back and let fly with all of his might: The ball shot through the air like a bullet, sailed over a low hedge, and disappeared into the water park. "MY BUTT!" someone cried, and Johnny winced. Whoops.

"Uh...why?" Lori asked, a patronizing hilt in her voice.

"You gotta get the lowest score, right?" Johnny asked self-assuredly. "I missed so I don't score." He cracked a smug grin and tapped his forehead. "I'm a quick learner."

Lori pinched the bridge of her nose. "You get a point for literally stroke. You have more points than me now."

Johnny blinked. Really?

That was dumb.

"Guess I'll only use on hit next time," he figured.

Ha.

Easier said than done. Every put he made overshot, undershot, or sideshot. Once, the ball even rolled over the hole but didn't go in. "Come on!" he cried and threw the club away. He kicked the air and threw a frustrated punch at the concept of golf itself. Lori crossed her arms and enjoyed the show with a bemused smile on her face. She kept track of their totals on a scorecard at first, then stopped when Johnny losing went from inevitable to a foregone conclusion.

The last hole was the hardest. You had to hit the ball through a windmill, whereupon the track sloped up, then bent almost 180 degrees, then back down again before filtering out in the green. Lori went first. Johnny watched the ball make its way to the cup, and a petty, spiteful part of him hoped she missed.

She didn't.

"Your turn," she smirked.

He sighed. Alright, bro, one shot...please, make one shot.

Taking a deep breath, he putted. The ball rolled toward the opening of the windmill, then, impossibly, curved left and came back, bumping against his foot and coming to rest like a proud dog who had just completed an arduous task for its master. Here's that loss you wanted. He slumped his shoulders, hung his head, and took a deep, calming breath. Oh well. You can't win them all.

Lori laughed and gave his back a consoling pat. "You did good for your first time," she offered.

No, he didn't.

He just hoped Lincoln was faring better.

"There!" Leni cried in Lincoln's ear. He winced and narrowed his eyes. She pointed and jumped excitedly up and down. Her face positively glowed and Lincoln found it impossible to be upset with her, even though she had dragged him and her sisters from one side of the park to the other and back again in search of the go-kart track. The best part was: It wasn't hiding. All you had to do was face north-northwest and you'd see it. Leni, however, kept missing it, and no matter how much he, Lola, Lana, Lisa, or Lucy tried to help her, she threw up her hand and insisted on doing it herself. "I'm the one in charge here," she said resolutely, "so it's up to me."

"But, Leni," he started, "it's right -"

She fixed him with a withering gaze. "Up. To. Me." She pronounced each word slowly so he got her gist.

Sigh.

Okay.

"Let's go," she said now. She grabbed him around the wrist with surprising strength and pulled him toward the metal barriers defining the track. Beyond, the pavement twisted, turned, and flowed over lumpy, wave-like hills. Go-karts painted happy colors zipped by and Leni's grip tightened. "I can't wait to let 'er rip." A mad smile spread across her face and Lincoln nervously wetted his lips. Leni was sweet, kind and...well...cute, but she wasn't exactly the most, uh, trustable person when it came to handling potentially dangerous equipment. He flashed back to the Great Buzzsaw Calamity of 2018 and shuddered. Never forget, the Louds vowed, never again.

"Uh, Leni, I -"

"Hush, Lincy," she said, "I, like, need to get in the zone."

In line, Lincoln glanced over his shoulder and was unsurprised to see that the other Loud girls had all drifted away, leaving him alone with Speed Racer. Whoopie.

Leni took a series of deep breaths and swept her hands up and down in front of her (wah-lah) like she was trying to sniff the air.

When they reached the front of the line, Leni handed the man hers and Lincoln's ticket and took two helmets. "Thank you, Mr. Drivey Man," she said.

Another man, this one in a blue polo with PIT CREW across the left breast in white, strapped him and Leni into their own go-karts, gave their safety harnesses a sharp jerk to make sure they were secure, then checked their helmets. Leni gripped the wheel and trembled like a high tension wire, her teeth bared in a big, giddy smile that was wholesome and appealing at the same time it was disconcerting.

"You okay there?" Lincoln asked.

She hummed. "I have, like, a need for speed. Going fast is fun." She bent over the wheel and turned it left and right. "The wind in my face, the roar of the engine thingie, the smell of burning up tires…"

"I wasn't aware you were so into racing."

Her head bobbed up and down. "Oh, yeah, I'm a huge racist."

Lincoln blinked. "Uh...you mean race enthusiast?"

"Yep," she said, "I'm a proud racist."

A Hispanic man in the cart next to Leni's turned to look at her, his features pinched in disapproval.

"No, Leni, you're not a racist," Lincoln explained.

Leni gasped. "Yes I am, and when they say go, I'm going to prove it."

"No, I mean -"

The gate blocking the track from pit road opened, and the light beside it turned green. Before Lincoln could even register what was happening, Leni stomped on the gas and her car rocketed forward. "Eat my dust, Lincy!" she cried over her shoulder. She shot through the gate and turned right, the other drivers falling in behind. For a second, h stat there, stunned, then gunned the engine. The car surged out of pit road, and he spun the wheel to keep from losing control, the back tires slipping and screeching on the blacktop. He'd show her how to eat dust...and not by eating it himself!

Weaving in and out of traffic, he caught up to Leni quickly. When he tried to pass him, she swerved and tried to him him. His heart jumped into his throat and he jerked the wheel to the right, his front end narrowly missing Leni's. She let out a high, insane cackle and pulled ahead. "I'm FAST!" she yelled.

Lincoln narrowed his eyes to devious slits and pressed the gas pedal to the floor. She might be fast, but she wasn't fast enough.

He drew alongside her, and she whipped her head around. Giggling madly, she tried to hit him again, but he tapped the brakes and fell back, then hit the gas again and blasted forward. When his front end was even with her back end, he jerked the wheel left and crashed into her. Her cart started to spin and she held onto the wheel for dear life. "AHHHH, NO!" Lincoln looked back just as another driver slammed into her. Another hit the first, and soon, the track was littered with crashed cars and prone bodies. Leni sat dazedly among the wreckage and rubbed her forehead. "I think I went too fast."

After they were inevitably thrown out, they made their way toward the concession stands, Lincoln staring down at his feet like a naughty boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar. "Sorry I wrecked you," he said.

"Are you kidding?" Leni asked. "That was totes fun. Lori's, like, an old woman driver out there, you were fast." She slapped his back and he stumbled forward.

Well, at least she was happy.

"Now," she said and stopped. "Where's everyone else?" She put her hand to her forehead to shield her eyes from the glare of the sun and looked around. Lincoln scanned the crowd and spotted Luna, Lori, Lynn, and Johnny in the shade of a cavernous arcade wedged between a pizza parlor and a gift. "They're -"

Leni waved him off. "I'm in charge," she said, "it's up to me."

Oh, great, this again. Leni turned her head slowly left and right. She looked dead at Lori but didn't register her leaning against a Pac-Man cabinet. "Huh. They're nowhere."

Sighing, Lincoln brushed past her and started over. "Wait, Lincy, we have to find - oh, there they are. I found them."

A forest of game cabinets crowded the dimly lit space. Skee ball tables lined one concrete wall and kids packed close to the most popular games three and four deep, their faces flushed from the heat. Lori nodded when Lincoln walked up but didn't move from her perch. "Hi, Lori!" Leni cried.

"Where's Johnny?" Lincoln asked. He was just here.

Before Lori could answer, Johnny called out and Lincoln spotted him and Luna on two adjacent DDR platforms. Each held a plastic guitar connected by a long cord to the Guitar Hero cabinet next door. Lincoln went over and Leni followed. "Hey, dude," Luna said. "Wanna play a game?"

Lincoln's eyes darted from the guitar to the flashing arrow pads beneath her feet. "What kind of game?"

"DDR Hero," Luna said. "I made it up myself. You play the guitar and dance. It's epic hard."

She and Johnny went first. He was good at both games, but he was overwhelmed by doing them at once and wound up tripping and falling off the platform with a breathless off. Luna stomped left, then right, cut a sick cord, then spun around and did some kind of cha-cha-slide crap that reminded Lincoln of that pop singer who started as a black man then ended as a pedophilic white woman. He helped Johnny to his feet and Johnny brushed himself off.

Next was Lincoln's turn. "Just don't think about it," Luna said. "Let the rhythm flow through you and just...vibe."

Just vibe.

Right.

The music started and the display screen lit up. Arrows scrolled past, slow at first, then faster. He stepped right, left, back, his fingers flying across the fretboard to keep up with the song. "You're doing great!" Luna called. His heart was racing, his lungs throbbing, sweat trickling down the back of his neck. The arrows were getting faster, faster, his feet tangled and he started to fall, but Luna grabbed the back of his coat.

"Thanks," he panted.

"No prob," she said, "but we should probably stop before someone gets hurt."

That sounded good.

Lincoln didn't want to get hurt.

...but he wanted to do magic even less. Standing on a stage in front of fifty kids ranging in age from two to eight and dressed in a top hat and tails, Lincoln took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Sure, he told Luan earlier when she asked, I know lots of magic tricks. He was trying to impress her; if he knew magic tricks, maybe he'd have a shot at her liking him back.

Great, she said, I can't wait to see them at the show, she said.

He was so captivated by her beauty that it took her words a few moments to sink in.Wait, the what?

How was he supposed to know she wanted him to take her spot at the big Frank's Funland magic show? How was he supposed to know he'd wind up on stage with a hundred sets of eyes staring expectantly up at him, waiting, demanding, impatient? He swallowed around a lump in his throat and pressed his watery knees together to keep himself from melting into a puddle. His cheeks blazed hot and his bowels quivered like cold Jello. He felt like he was going to puke...but he also felt like he was going to have diarrhea.

Like Johnny, he was sociable and comfortable with being in front of people, but this was different, for he was completely out of his element. He had no idea what he was doing and he could feel the crowd getting restless. He looked out over the sea of faces and spotted Luan off to one side. She raised her brows and motioned for him to do something.

Uh...okay. Let's see...

He reached into his sleeve and pulled out a deck of cards. His fingers trembled as he opened it. Something, somehow, went wrong, and all of the cards sprayed from the pack and landed on the floor.

It was so quiet you could hear a pin drop.

He swallowed again. "Uh...for my next trick…I will make my hat disappear."

A restive murmur ran through the audience. "If you'll just...turn around for one second…"

Luan slapped her hand to her face and shook her head.

She didn't look impressed.

Darn it.

Thankfully, some guy dressed as a bottle of Frank's Red Hot came out with a hat and cane and started dancing, allowing Lincoln to escape. "You don't know any magic tricks, do you?" Luan asked as they walked back toward the arcade.

Lincoln gave a resigned head shake. "Not one."

"Then why did you say you did?"

Before he could stop himself, he said, "To impress you." As soon as the words had left his mouth, he blushed furiously.

"Well...I'm not impressed by lying," she said, "so...you failed."

Lincoln's stomach clutched. Great. He offended the girl he liked and looked like a total scumbag.

Sigh. Hopefully Johnny was having a better time with Lynn.

Johnny jumped onto the bench then leapt over the side. He hit the ground, staggered and almost dropped to his knees, but kept his balance and pushed himself faster. Ahead, Lynn ducked in and out of the crowd thronging the breezeway. People jumped back and yelled, but she didn't stop, didn't even slow.

They were on the second floor of the Twin Pines Mall. When Lynn brought up wanting to come here, Johnny arched his brow but didn't say anything. Lynn wasn't the kind of girl who liked hanging around the mall, but hey, maybe she needed to pick something up at Dick's or Lady's Footlocker.

Nope.

She wanted to do parkour.

Parkour is basically running through a given environment and not stopping for anything. If something gets in your way - say a bench - you jump on it, then off it, never losing forward momentum. It was developed in France around the turn of the 20th Century, and Johnny found delicious irony in that - the art of running away was pioneered by the French. LOL.

Ahead, Lynn ducked into the food court, spun around an old woman supporting herself with a walker, and jumped onto a kiosk laden with cellphone accessories. An Arab man in an Izod tucked into tan slacks ran over, yelling and waving his arms, and Lynn sprang off, knees bending as she sailed over the floor. She landed and kept going. Johnny's legs were beginning to cramp and a hot stitch flared in his side. He was about to stop and -

"Freeze! Mall security!"

Johnny glanced over his shoulder. A morbidly obese man in black pants and a white utility shirt boasting a bronze badge on the left breast lumbered after him. The fat spilling over his waistband jiggled hypnotically and his labored breathing reminded Johnny of Michael Myers...or Darth Vader. Probably Vader more so.

Fat or not, he was gaining, and Johnny's heart jolted. He pushed himself faster and caught up with Lynn near the stairs. "We got company," he huffed.

She turned just as the guard appeared at the end of the breezeway. He was on a Segway now, a helmet with a siren strapped to his head. "Freeze!" he called.

"Oh, we can outrun him easy," Lynn said, then tumbled down the stairs. Johnny followed, then followed her left into Sears. She ducked off the tile lane servicing the floor and disappeared into a dense screen of women's clothing. Johnny hesitated - he couldn't go in there - then hurried after when the elevator doors across the way opened and Paul Blart buzzed out. Lynn grabbed him and pulled him to the ground. "Shhh," she warned.

They hunkered there for nearly half an hour while the guard circled the store looking for them. Finally, he buzzed off in defeat, and Lynn jumped up. "That was close," she said. "You really gotta learn to keep up."

Johnny opened his mouth, but before he could speak, Lynn bounded off.

Sighing, he stood and winced when a bolt of pain shot down his leg. He bent, massaged his knee, then shuffled off to find Lynn.

When they got back to Frank's a half hour later, he made a B-line for the concession stands, throat parched, but Lucy popped up in front of him, and he jumped back with a scream. "Hi," she said in that flat monotone. "Can we go to the Chatterbuck House now?"

Oooh.

He totally forgot about that.

Inside of fifteen minutes, he was following Lucy through the tumbledown chain link fence enclosing the overgrown yard, Lincoln creeping behind. The house loomed over them like a hungry monster, its windows broken and its porch deeply bowed. Lucy slipped through the grass like a small, self-assured mammal and Johnny cast a nervous look over his shoulder to make sure they weren't being watched. "Anyone back there?" he asked Lincoln.

Lincoln shook his head.

"We're gonna see a ghost for sure," Lucy said more to herself than to them. The planks creaked under her feet and the hinges shrieked when she opened the door. Inside, perpetual gloom held sway, broken only by shafts of faint sunlight falling through ruined portions of the ceiling. The floor had turned soft and spongy in places from decades of rainfall, and the nauseating stench of mold and earth plugged Johnny's nose. Rats thumped unseen in the walls and water dripped somewhere in the darkness, lending the parlor a subterranean air that made Johnny feel claustrophobic. "If you were a ghost, where would you hang out?" Lucy asked.

"Here," he said.

"Basement," she said, and her lips turned up in a tiny grin.

Oh no.

Johnny did not want to go in the basement. It was bad enough up here.

But Lucy was already heading in that direction. Darn it.

Lincoln hung his head. "This is lame."

Downstairs, the blackness was total, disorienting. A stale draft blew over them and the concrete floor scraped beneath their shoes. They walked in circles, Lucy occasionally calling out, "Spirits...to me!" Before long, she deflated and sat against the wall, her knees drawn to her chest. Lincoln went back upstairs like a wuss. "There aren't any spirits here," she said glumly. "I'm starting to think there aren't spirits anywhere."

"Oh, don't be like that," Johnny said, "not every creepy looking house is going to be haunted. You just gotta keep on looking. You'll find a ghost eventually."

She sighed. "I guess." She turned in a rustle of clothes and Johnny could feel her gaze hot on his face. "On the bright side, we can practice kissing while we're down here."

Johnny smiled nervously.

Heh.

Yeah.

Great.

He got to his feet. "Man, would you look at the time, we gotta start heading back."

"Aw, man," Lucy said, bummed. "Fine."

She got up, and together, they went upstairs and outside into the afternoon sunshine. Her hand kept brushing Johnny's, and when her pinkie entwined with his…

...he slapped it away.

After returning from the Chatterbuck Mansion, Lincoln took Lana to the zoo. Cages with big iron bars and deep, below ground enclosures flanked either side of the walkway, and the animal smell of, well, animal wafted through the air. Monkeys swung through tall, leafy trees, pausing only to fling poo at one another, and a giraffe munched on foliage seemingly without a care in the world. Lana ran excitedly from place to place, her eyes all big and shimmery, and Lincoln did his best to keep up. It was closing in on 4 in the afternoon and he'd been on his feet for hours; he was this close to falling over and giving up the ghost. Spirits to me? More like Lincoln to me.

"Whoa, a hippo!" Lana cried. She gripped the railing and jumped up and down to see into the hippo enclosure but couldn't quite get it.

Lincoln went over, gripped her hips from behind, and lifted her off her feet. "Hold on," he warned, "we don't need another Harambe incident."

Lana twisted around to look at him, her brow furrowing. "A what?"

"A couple years ago, some kid in the gorilla enclosure at a zoo and this bg gorilla grabbed him and started whipping him around, dragging him through standing water, stuff like that. The gorilla probably didn't mean any harm, but come on, it weighed like 900 pounds and its throwing this 40 pound toddler around like a rag doll. Kid was gonna get hurt, maybe even die. Anyway, to save the kid's life, the zookeeper plugged Harambe in his head, and all the liberals went crazy because they care more about animals than people at this point. It was a real mess." He shook his head at the memory.

Lana's bottom lip began to quiver. "T-They shot him?"

Uh-oh.

"No, I mean -"

Throwing her head back, Lana began to cry.

"With a tranquilizer," he said quickly, "not a cranium obliterating high caliber slug or anything."

She cried harder.

Way to go, Linc. You shoved your foot so far in your mouth your toes popped out of your butt.

Wouldn't be the first time and probably wouldn't be the last.

The only way to calm Lana down was to carry her around and pat her back like an overgrown baby. He bought her an ice cream bar shaped like Scooby-Doo, then gave her a piggyback ride through the rest of the zoo, stopping at every cage so she could happily greet the animals. At one point she got so excited over some lions that she grabbed a handful of Lincoln's hair and kicked her heels against his chest like he was a horse.

By the time they got back to the others, his pecs throbbed and his back was so sore he could hardly walk.

Ugh. Like shotgun bullets, spending time with the Louds was bad for his health.

Meanwhile, Lola and Johnny were having a tea party at one of the picnic tables dotting the area around the concession stands. She poured imaginary tea into a pink plastic cup and prattled on and on about "the VanderMeers' contillian." Johnny sat with his back completely straight, prim and proper, and touched his extended pinkie to the corner of his mouth, because that's what rich people do, right?

Lola handed him his cup, and he took it. "Thank you, my dear Lola," he said and took a sip. "Nothing hits the spot after a long day of being rich better than tea."

"It's a special blend," Lola said and waved her hand. "It's very expensive. I import it directly from the Orient."

"I say, it's magnificent," Johnny said. "I must have the recipe."

Lola took a sip of her own tea. "I could pass it along, but you have to give me something in return."

"Which is?"

She presented one blushing, rose bud cheek. "A kiss."

Aw, man, not this again. Seriously, of all the Loud girls who could like him, it was the little ones, the ones he would never, ever like back. He could see himself digging Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, or Lynn, but not a couple six year olds.

"Is there no other way to obtain it, my fair lady?" Johnny asked hopefully. He dug himself into a hole now he needed to get out.

"There isn't," Lola said.

Alright. "If you'll excuse me, I must -"

Her bottom lip started to tremble and her big brown eyes took on a watery sheen. Johnny sighed. Fine. He leaned over, puckered his lips, and lightly touched them to Lola's cheek, then wrenched them away. They tingled with shame and disgust. A hazy smile spread across Lola's face and she let out a dreamy sigh.

At least one of them was happy about this.

And it wasn't him.

They left Frank's Funland at dusk and got back home just after full night had fallen. Stars twinkled in the sky like diamond flecks on black velvet and the lights up and down the street cast pools of murky illumination. Johnny climbed out of the van and stretched. He was exhausted and as soon as he got through the door he was -

"Johnny?"

Lisa stood next to him with her hands clasped demurely behind her back.

"Yes?"

"You agreed to watch the meteor shower with me."

Oh.

Right.

While the other, including Lincoln, went into the Loud house, Johnny sat on the darkneed back porch. Lisa set up a telescope and pressed one eye to the viewfinder. "It should be starting momentarily," she said.

A few minutes later, she nudged his arm. "There."

High above, a pinprick of brilliant white streaked across the sky, followed by another, and another still. Johnny craned his neck to see better and watched in wonder as a thousand meteors rained across the heavens like celestial teardrops. "Wow," he breathed, "that's actually pretty cool."

Lisa gave some wordy and long-winded speech explaining meteors and whatever, but Johnny didn't understand a single syllable; he just nodded and said 'Uh-huh," like he did. "That's awesome."

"I know," Lisa said, a hint of animation creeping into her voice. "Natural science is endlessly fascinating." She scooted next to him and her knee pressed into his. "And, I dare say, somewhat...romantic."

Sigh.

Eventually the others drifted out. "This is literally the perfect way to end a perfect day," Lori said.

Lily crawled over and sat at Johnny's feet, a sad expression in her eyes. "She missed you," Mr. Loud said, "she was very upset that she didn't get to go to Frank's Funland."

Johnny frowned in sympathy, then an idea struck him.

Fifteen minutes later, he and Lincoln crouched behind a wooden booth that Lana cobbled together. Nail heads stuck out at precarious angles and the whole thing leaned heavily to one side. The Louds, Lily front and center, were fanned out before it. Johnny lifted his hand over the stage and on it was a puppet of himself. Lincoln did the same. "I'm Lincoln," he said.

"And I'm Johnny,"

"And together we are Lincoln and Johnny."

Lincoln's puppet bumped into Johnny's, and Johnny pushed it away. "Stop touching me."

"No, you stop touching me."

"Dude, stop, we're trying to put on a puppet show here," Johnny said soberly. He wanted to make up for Lily not going to Frank's and Lincoln was going to ruin it by being a spag. Lincoln pushed his hand, and Johnny retaliated. "Linc, knock it off."

When Lincoln did it a third time, Johnny responded by balling his puppet hand and crashing it into Lincoln's puppet. In a flash, they were locked up in a tangle of floppy limbs and frozen smiles. Lincoln wrenched Johnny's hand to the side, and Johnny yelped. The Louds clapped and laughed, Lilly pounding the grass and Mr. Loud rolling back and forth on his back. They thought it was part of the show, but it wasn't; Lincoln and Johnny were really fighting.

Again.

"Let go!" Lincoln hissed through his teeth.

"You let go, dorkasaurus."

Lincoln managed to push Johnny's puppet back and Johnny's puppet lunged at it with a wavering scream. They fell into the booth, and it came apart in a shower of wood and nails. Johnny got on top of Lincoln and grabbed his puppet, but stopped when thunderous applause filled the night. Lily shrieked laughter and Mr. Loud chanted, "Stop, I'm gonna pee! Stop, I'm gonna pee!" Lincoln and Johnny looked at each other and exchanged a grin.

They got up, held hands, and bowed.

Johnny wanted a free day to himself, but you know what? Today was pretty cool, and later on, as he lay in bed, he as glad the Louds forced him and Lincoln into it.

If you asked him, it's always the adventures you don't mean to take that wind up being the funnest.

And that was a good way to spend a day.

THE END.