Chapter 13

Tony woke up with a start. Breathing heavily, he got up and tried to calm himself as panic made its way through his body. Another nightmare…

It was three in the morning, which meant he had only two hours of sleep once again, but it would have to do. He would not go to that hell again that awaited him as soon as he closed his eyes. At least not today. He was tired of it. So tired of reliving these memories in the same dreams every night. So real, like everything was actually happening over and over again.

Tony had tried sleeping pills several times over the past few weeks. Indeed, they made his body heavy, but falling asleep hardly worked better and the nightmares were as bad as ever. As much as he desperately needed to rest, however, he also felt how much he resisted it. How much he was afraid of it.

Tony slipped in a shirt and a pair of jeans, grabbed the whiskey bottle placed right next to his bed, and went into the living room to turn up the music. Black Sabbath was blaring through the house. Lost in thought, he stroked over his arc reactor, which was glowing brightly. A month had passed since that incident in Gulmira and at his house. Since then, things had gone quiet. No sign of the terrorists, no bad news in the media, no information from S.H.I.E.L.D. Nothing at all. Everything was quiet. Too quiet. Deadlock. At least, his injuries had healed well, only the broken ribs still twinged a bit, but overall, he had recovered well - at least his body had.

Tony sighed and drank straight from the bottle. Then he turned up the music even louder and closed his eyes. Listening only to the music, feeling the gradually rising intoxication… Not having to think was a relief. At least, in theory. The brain was not designed to not think. Especially not his. The thoughts would come back.

He was still doomed to keep his feet still until S.H.I.E.L.D. eventually allowed him to get back into his suit. Of course, they couldn't really forbid him anything, but that was not what Coulson and Romanoff had wanted to make clear with what they said, anyway. However, he had to admit that they had a point. His efforts, concerning the Ten Rings, had come to nothing and he felt like he had caused more damage than that he had averted any. Still, he felt locked in. Unable to do anything – and unable to escape the panic that came for him more and more often, and kept threatening to choke him. He wasn't comfortable with sitting around, with being passive. He needed to do something.

He thought of Pepper and how she had been struggling to keep the company on track for months now, while he wasted literally no thought on what to do next. He felt guilty, because he had to admit that he often had left her high and dry when there were deadlines or decisions to be made. And yet she hardly complained. She continued to do her job as his assistant and quietly kept track of the company. Like she did again, when he showed up drunk in front of the board. There hadn't been any consequences for him yet. But the board wouldn't wait forever, that point had been made clear.

Tony ran his fingers over the bottle, lost in thought. Maybe he could do something after all. Maybe now was not the time for Iron Man. Maybe right now was the time for Tony Stark to mind his own business. And Tony Stark had one thing above all: a billion-dollar company.

Pepper startled and sat bolt upright in her bed. Someone was in the house. Here in her apartment. The terrorists? Had they come to finish her off? She had definitely heard something! Two S.H.I.E.L.D. agents were guarding her apartment; had they already been killed?

With heart pounding, Pepper got up and reached for the bedside lamp to at least defend herself with something. Then she heard the noise again.

The doorbell.

Would terrorists ring the bell? Probably not.

A little ashamed, she returned the bedside lamp to its original place. Bit by bit she seemed to become a little paranoid. However, was that any wonder with all what had happened lately? She scowled at the time on her alarm clock and then scuffled, still a little sleepy, to the apartment door. Again, the doorbell rang, this time much longer.

"'Coming…" Pepper said sullenly, considering the nocturnal troublemaker.

Surely, it was one of the agents again because of nothing. She had had that twice now since she was allowed to "enjoy" this special protection.

With a jerk, she opened the door. The man standing in front of her was apparently so surprised by this, that he almost tipped forward and had to hold on to the doorframe.

"Oh," Pepper made irritated.

"Hi," Tony said.

He didn't look exactly fresh. Dark circles under his eyes, pale complexion, and his hair even more tousled than usual.

"Hello," Pepper said slowly. "You… um… know it's a little after 4?"

Tony glanced at his Rolex absent-mindedly but didn't say anything.

"Is something wrong?," Pepper asked.

Now she was a little concerned after all. As far as she could remember, he had never come to her apartment before.

"No, no, everything's fine," Tony replied, now looking her in the eye again.

Pepper could see and smell that he had been drinking. Again. She refrained from commenting on it. It would bounce off him anyway.

"Can we… maybe go get some breakfast?" he asked quietly.

"Sorry?"

"Breakfast. If you don't mind - so early?"

Her brain wasn't quite awake yet and didn't manage to comprehend what was going on. Tony, here outside her apartment, at four in the morning, drunk - to take her out for breakfast.

"Y-yah, sure… um… why don't you come in while I get dressed."

She let Tony enter and gestured for him to sit in the kitchen for a moment, while she quickly went into the bedroom and put on a dress that wasn't too formal. It felt strange to have him here in her apartment. As if an invisible boundary was being crossed. But she tossed the thought carelessly aside, she was curious to hear what Tony wanted from her. In the bathroom, she just brushed her teeth and, quite uncharacteristically, refrained from putting on makeup.

"Ok. Let's go," she said when she was done.

They left the apartment, not without being followed by one of her agents and the two who had already followed Tony to her place.

It was still dark and even a bit nippy when they stepped outside. Cars drove by sporadically, but there weren't many people on the streets yet. Pepper noticed the white Audi R8 in front of her apartment. But no Happy.

"Did you drive here by yourself?" she asked in disbelieve.

Tony didn't answer, but Pepper couldn't let him get away with that. She grabbed him by the arm and looked at him sternly.

"You've clearly been drinking," she said, but Tony didn't seem to care at all right now. "And came here by car!"

"Yeah, all right, Pepper," he muttered. "I'll take a cab back later."

Another comment was on the tip of Pepper's tongue, but Tony pointed ahead, and then said, "I saw a fast-food restaurant around the corner on my way to your place."

Pepper became even more concerned. It seemed like he wanted to talk to her about something specific. And he seemed so serious. It was strange. After about five minutes, they reached an extremely cheap-looking restaurant, not one Tony would ever dare step foot in. Normally.

At least it was already open. They took a seat by a window and ordered coffee and pancakes. Pepper waited patiently for him to say something and sipped incessantly at her cappuccino. With the first coffee of the day, life returned to her.

"I've thought of something…" Tony said after a while, pulling a crumpled paper out of his pants pocket where he seemed to have taken some notes. "We're going to tear down the New York office and build a huge tower instead. Research, development, energy technologies. The cornerstone for a new future. For now, we're focusing on producing clean electricity. We already have the technology with the arc reactor. If we're smart about it, we could gradually power all of America with clean electricity."

Pepper almost choked on her coffee. He seemed serious; in fact, he seemed to have finally given some thought on what was going to happen with the company. Though, she didn't know if she should be happy about it right now. Tony, at any rate, didn't seem enthusiastically.

"Then we'll see," Tony continued. "With a huge research department, we can do all kinds of things. Clean electricity as such would be just the beginning. Environmentally friendly cars that would be affordable to everyone. Hydropanels which use the sun to extract clean, pollution-free drinking water from the air to power every home completely autonomously. Vertical rotor wind turbines that work independently of the wind direction. There already exists initial research, we could produce our own line. Of course, these are all just examples, but we could do something good for the environment. Instead of weapons whose only function is destruction."

"Ah, yeah… wow, Tony!" Pepper said, setting down her cup.

"We'll fly to New York for the weekend and set things in motion," Tony added.

"That sounds… good," Pepper said, still surprised.

Judging by his bleak expression, she had actually expected a different conversation.

"We'll be the only ones with that kind of capability: inventing and producing these things and eventually selling them. So it might even become more successful than the weapons industry. Well, maybe not, but…" He cleared his throat. "I want you to do this with me, Pepper. Planning the tower and everything. That's going to be our thing." Tony smiled at her. "If you want."

Pepper couldn't help but smile, too. "Of course I do!" she said, delighted. "That sounds promising, quite wonderful! I don't even know what to say. I'm really glad - and relieved. You know, after… that thing with the board. But why did you come up with these ideas right now? Where is this coming from so suddenly?"

"I…" Tony said, hesitating, then lowering his eyes to his steaming black coffee. "Actually, I was just looking for a reason to drive here. I thought about it on my way to your apartment."

Pepper was stunned. She didn't know what astonished her more. The fact that he was eager to see her - and admitted it, or that he had casually come up with a new plan for Stark Industries within an hour drive. But even so, she was also worried. Tony didn't touch his coffee or pancakes, let alone show any sign of optimism. After all, this was actually good news he was revealing to her.

"You're arranging everything?" he asked. "Private jet for Friday, appointments with architects, a proper construction company, and the manager of the current office in New York."

"Yes, of course. I'll get on the phone right away this morning."

"Oh, for that matter… what do you think about a charity event? We could throw a charity party first thing Friday night. I should probably come up with something positive in the media again."

"I think it's a good idea. Yeah, I'd love to. I'll take care of it."

"Thanks."

There was a short silence during which Pepper watched Tony closely.

"So, why did you want to see me in the first place?" she then asked carefully and her heart beat faster.

Tony looked up and bit his lip. "Yeah, about that… Uh. I just… needed to see… someone."

"Someone." Pepper frowned at him and tried to understand what he was saying. "Sorry, I don't get it. Do you need… something?"

Tony cleared his throat and looked away. "No."

Little by little, the seats in the restaurant filled up, the sun was now peeking out between the buildings, and the traffic was getting heavier. Some of the guests gave them surprised looks and whispered behind closed doors.

"Um," Tony made, watching the waitress giving coffee refills to the guests. "That day when we were attacked and… I apparently went into cardiac arrest. You know, that day… Well, you hugged me in that S.H.I.E.L.D. hideout. Do you remember?"

"Yes?" Pepper said it somehow questioning. She felt that she was getting extremely nervous right now. What was he driving at?

Tony seemed to force himself looking at her again – with his brown eyes, like two oil drops, almost melancholic… wait what? Pepper, drop that shit!, she told herself and shook her head.

"Look. Pepper. You hugged me. And. Um. Well… Jesus, why is this so hard," he muttered more to himself. "Well, why did you hug me?"

"What?" Pepper got all heated up and hoped she was not getting red-faced right now. "I don't get your point."

"It's just a question. Don't make it too complicated." It was hard to tell in what mood he was.

"Tony… I…" Pepper stared at him and tensed up completely. "I guess I hugged you… because I was so relieved you didn't die."

"That's it?"

"I don't know. Maybe. No. I mean yes, I think so."

Tony looked down at his coffee again. Pepper just couldn't see what he was thinking. Why did he ask her that?

"You seem…" Pepper said. "Are you disappointed?"

"What?" Tony asked and smiled at her. "No. Not at all. I just wondered… I asked myself if maybe… Just forget about it. Sorry, Pep."

"What are you sorry for? I don't understand -"

"Mr. Stark?" a woman suddenly asked at that moment. "Could I possibly have your autograph?"

"Sure," Tony said tonelessly, signing his name on a hastily held out napkin.

Then he turned to Pepper and sighed deeply. Why was he so tense and distressed?

"Can we go?" Tony asked, pointing his head toward the guests who were almost all looking at him now.

"You haven't eaten anything yet," Pepper replied, but took the hint and nodded.

Tony got up instantly, placing far too much money on the table, and Pepper followed him outside after quickly downing the rest of her cappuccino.

Outside they were awaited by paparazzi, presumably because Tony's car had been spotted. Pepper immediately felt a little uneasy.

"Wait. Stop," she told Tony. "Don't walk."

What he didn't need right now were reports and video footages of his drunk walking which cannot be overlooked. Pepper hailed a cab, took Tony by the arm, and the two quickly got in.

"Thanks," Tony muttered.

Pepper wasn't sure if he saw through her or maybe just thought she was just trying to spare him all the picture taking.

"Where to?" the cabbie asked, watching in surprise as one of the S.H.I.E.L.D. agents sat down next to him in the passenger seat, eyeing him up and down, then apparently speaking into his wrist that everything was "clear".

Pepper gave Tony a sideways glance before responding.

"You know where he lives, don't you?" Pepper said, leaning back a little more relaxed. Tony gave her a quick grin.

On Friday morning, Tony had Happy drive him to the airfield. Pepper was already waiting on the top step of his private jet, her hair tied back in a tight braid.

"Bravo, Tony, only half an hour late," she said with the hint of a smile. "We're making progress here."

"Everyone slips up once in a while," Tony waved off nonchalantly and walked straight to the couch inside the jet, while Happy handed his luggage to the stewardess at the entrance and then took his leave.

"Good morning, Mr. Stark," one of the pretty stewardesses inside greeted, wrapping one of her blonde curls seductively around her index finger. "Is there anything you need yet?"

Tony glanced briefly at Pepper, who was busy reprimanding one of the other stewardesses to be a little more careful with her luggage.

"No, thank you," he then replied with a smile. "Nothing yet."

A few minutes later, the private jet took off. Tony immediately became sleepy. He had been so short of sleep the whole week that he thought he would set a record soon. In part, though, he provoked this lack of sleep by refusing to go into those gruesome dreams night after night. He knew he couldn't keep this up for too much longer, but he started to fear sleeping really bad. So, when he noticed his sleepiness right now, he let himself slide into an extremely uncomfortable sitting position so that the resulting back pain would keep him awake.

"I got the confirmation email last night," Pepper said in her businesslike tone. She was sitting diagonally across from him, hunched over her laptop. "The appointment with the architect is at 3 p.m. today. Joe Ramirez is supposed to be an excellent architect in this field, but he will also cost quite a bit. The rest of appointments won't be until tomorrow, which means you can enjoy your charity event tonight without ruffle or excitement."

Tony nodded, also to shake off the fatigue, and then looked out the window. Some cloud formations stretched under them, and the sky shone a rich light blue.

"As always, you did very well, Pepper," he said in another desperate attempt to just do anything to keep himself awake.

"For choosing a construction company, I've set up three different appointments for tomorrow, we should check all three to decide which one is best for the project..."

Tony blinked a few times as he felt himself losing the battle against exhaustion.

Dreaming and waking mixed in fitful alternation. He saw lights like dangerous gazing eyes constantly following him. Dark, menacing figures were creeping up on him and he heard screams. Then he was suddenly sitting in a cozy, warm room with Pepper, Rhodey and Happy. They were having a party. Lovely music was playing in the background, and everyone was laughing a lot. Tony relaxed a bit. He was joking around, drinking red wine, and enjoying the party until he noticed that it was getting darker in the room. The music was suddenly not so cheerful, he heard disharmonies and suddenly it was quiet. Then the wine in his mouth turned sour and when he looked up, he saw that he was dining with dead people.

Pepper's belly had been sliced open and her guts were spilling out onto the table, Happy next to her sat there with no head - just a bloody stump of neck. Rhodey's arms were at horrible angles from his body, helplessly trying to reach a piece of roasted pheasant on the table. Tony looked around absolutely terrified. Bodies sat everywhere, gray rotting flesh falling from their bones as they raised their glasses. There were hundreds of dead and the room had become a hall. Tony caught sight of little Marcus, gnawing on a piece of bread while thick red blood oozed from the bullet wound in his head and worms were already eating holes in his body. Countless bodies… slashed, shot, strangled, blown to pieces by bombs…

"People you couldn't save," a dark voice said, and Tony turned.

Raza looked down at him coldly. "There will be more... but go ahead enjoying yourself in the meantime."

"That... isn't true! They didn't die because of me!" Tony shouted in desperation.

"Keep lying to yourself," Raza said with a sneer. "They all died because of your weapons, because you gave them to men like me."

Tony tried to straighten up, but he couldn't. He realized he suddenly was tied to his chair. His feet got wet and when he looked down, he saw that the hall was under water. The water gage was rising rapidly. Tony tried to break free from the shackles, but in vain. The next moment Raza was right on top of him, a knife flashing in his hand.

"No! Please stop! Don't! Let me go!" Tony cried out, but Raza only grinned at him.

"Do it!" he heard another voice shout, and Tony almost couldn't believe his eyes. There in the shadows was Obadiah. He had almost no flesh on his bones anymore and his skull looked at him with glowing red eyes. "Kill him already! You owe me his death!"

Raza knocked Tony's chair over, and he was under water now. Again, he pulled and tugged at his bonds, which seemed to grip him tighter and tighter like snakes. Tony's panic was limitless, he was under water, he couldn't breathe! He would drown! Raza bent down and put the knife to his throat. Tony tried to escape Raza's grip. But the blade quickly slashed his throat, and everything went red and vast amounts of blood spurted…

"Tony! Wake up! TONY!"

Tony opened his eyes and looked into Pepper's terrified face. She was bent over him and had apparently shaken him awake. He was lying on the couch, his hands clutched in the red fabric.

Red fabric... red... blood... bodies…

He suddenly felt so sick he had to sit upright, barely able to keep himself from throwing up.

"Tony?" Pepper asked, an octave higher than usual, and sat down beside him.

Breathing heavily, he noticed the stewardesses were peeking out from behind the curtain, then quickly releasing it and disappearing behind it again. Had he screamed? Hopefully not…

"Just had a bad dream…" he mumbled, ashamed, trying to banish the dream from his mind.

It wasn't always concrete memories he repeated in his sleep. Sometimes it was just terrible dreams that frightened him.

"Now tell me what's wrong," Pepper said gently, putting her hand carefully on his leg. "What did you dream so bad?"

"It's nothing," he lied, avoiding her gaze and still trying hard not to puke.

"You've hardly slept at all in weeks… Jarvis told me."

"I start to get the impression Jarvis is changing hands..."

"Please," Pepper said quietly. "It's not like I haven't noticed myself. You look… exhausted. What is keeping you awake? Is it those nightmares?"

Tony tensed up. There was no turning back now. Pepper obviously knew more than he suspected after all. How long had she been watching him and drawing her conclusions?

"Yes," he admitted reluctantly as a result.

Pepper's hand on his leg twitched briefly.

"But Pepper," he then added. "Please, not now. I can't… First I need…"

What he needed now was a drink. Just one, to come down. To make the fear go away. As if the stewardesses could read minds, two of them came in.

"Twelve o'clock," the blonde said sweetly. "Would you like your lunch already?"

Tony didn't feel like it at all, and Pepper didn't say anything either.

"I would prefer a bottle of champagne right now," Tony said, then quickly added. "Two glasses."

Pepper withdrew her hand and looked at him dumbfounded.

"No," she interjected. "We still have work to do, Tony. We have an appointment with that architect Ramirez. In a few hours."

"Just one glass, then," Tony said equanimous, having apparently regained his facade.

"You're welcome, Mr. Stark," the stewardess said with a wink.

Pepper wordlessly sat back down at her own seat bending over her laptop. Tony could see that her eyes weren't moving and that she was just pretending to read.

He couldn't blame her. She was right. About everything. He should confide in her. Who else, if not in her? No wonder she was mad. You just had to be mad at him.

With a nod, Tony accepted the champagne. Just this one glass, just to curb his pulse a bit and be able to show up a little more relaxed later. Or how was he supposed to go through all these appointments this weekend with this tremendous lack of sleep – and distress?

"You know you talk in your sleep, right?" Pepper asked, not taking her eyes off her laptop.

Tony ignored her and looked out of the window, trying not think about what he might have said in his dream.