So here we go with the next chapter where Tony has to deal with the consequences of this night. And as one of you asked in the comments, yes, it's getting darker and more emotional. Hope you enjoy this as well :) And I am still looking forward to your thoughts, always glad to read some reviews!

Chapter 17

"Have you experienced feelings of depressed mood lately, maybe going hand in hand with diminished interest or pleasure?"

"No."

"Have you noticed exhaustion or a loss of energy?"

"No."

"Do you have any anxieties that occur frequently or are of very high intensity?"

"No."

"Are there any current sleep disturbances, for example, difficulty with falling asleep or staying asleep?"

"No."

"Feelings of worthlessness?"

"Are you kidding?"

Tony sat upright in his hospital bed with his arms crossed, striving to remain his expression composed.

Next to him, at some distance, a psychiatrist was sitting. Dr. Liam White was a slender, tall man who exuded at least as much presence as Tony. He was handsome, spiffy dressed and charming. Which was exactly what had been the first thing bothering Tony about this shrink. And now he had to deal with these stupid questions. He was going to vomit all over the floor if he had to keep listening to this bullshit.

"Mis-ter Staaaaark," Dr. White said very slowly, crossing his legs. "Please stay serious and just answer the questions."

Tony sighed in exasperation. "No, I don't feel worthless. Quite the opposite, I am more than aware of my inestimable value."

Dr. White ignored the comment and took some notes. "You seem stricken."

"So do you."

"I sometimes have difficult patients, what's your problem?"

Tony couldn't help but grin. It almost seemed a little like he had found someone who was a match for Tony. Someone who wasn't intimidated by sitting across from Tony Stark.

"Do you think you might be able to take this seriously?" the psychiatrist asked again.

"You're the expert. Do you think I can?"

Dr. White glared at him, apparently still patient. Not bad.

"Mr. Stark, you do know that I am the one to decide if, when, and how you leave this hospital, right?"

Gritting his teeth, Tony stared back. It was a power struggle Tony was embroiled in, clearly. But apparently the psychiatrist knew how to play this game, too.

"Now I'm going to ask you again. Is the alcohol poisoning reducible to recent stressful events?"

"No."

"Then why the drinking?"

"What's with the drinking?"

"That's what I'm asking you."

"What are you asking me?"

Dr. White lowered the papers and sighed. There you go, finally annoyed.

"We're not getting anywhere like this..." he muttered, eyeing Tony closely. "I just want to help you."

Tony let out a frustrated exclamation. "I'm getting tired of hearing this! Everyone keeps wanting to help me, but no one asks what I want."

"All right then. What do you want?"

"I want my peace and quiet! I just want to be left alone for one single moment!"

"You realize that your behavior says something else? Being hospitalized, for the reasons we both know, does attract a bit of attention, unfortunately. There is no way to be left alone when overdosing on drugs."

"Is that so?" Tony just snapped at him defiantly.

"Yes," the psychiatrist replied calmly. "You will not get away with it that simple. First, we will have a conversation about all of this. And now I want you to stop being so condescending to me and be honest instead."

"I am."

"So you're telling me there haven't been any stressful things in your life lately? Then maybe you should retire from public life or be more careful what you do when you leave the house."

A long pause ensued. Tony was almost bursting with fury. He hated this conversation, he hated everything about it. It felt like he was a child again and had to answer to his father.

"How about we postpone this conversation to next week?" Dr. White asked. "Then we'll talk about your discharge again."

"To next week?" Tony asked, suddenly horrified.

"You're obviously not ready to talk to me yet. Which is totally fine. However, I can't give an okay for your discharge unless I know what emotional state you're in." He looked at his wristwatch. "We have about twenty minutes left. You decide what to do with it."

Tony hated having to give in. He hated that this pompous ass held the upper hand. He hated losing this power struggle.

"Mr. Stark," Dr. White said, leaning forward. "My point here is not to make you look like a fool, to force you into talking about something you're not ready to talk about yet, or even to keep you here. It's simply to find out whether you are in acute danger of suicide or whether we can release you to go home."

Tony lowered his arms and hesitated. He had no choice. If he wanted to get out of here, he had to talk. At least a bit.

"God... I can't believe I have to deal with this," he sighed.

"With what?"

"The consequences of my actions."

The psychiatrist chuckled briefly. "So usually that's not the case?"

"Well. No. Usually, I just do what I want."

"Then welcome to the world of adults, Mr. Stark, where our actions not only have consequences, but where we also must face those consequences."

Tony sighed again, then bit his lips. "This is confidential, right?" he asked quietly. "No one but you...?"

"No one," Dr. White confirmed.

"All right, what do you want to know?"

"I want to know how you have been feeling lately."

"Like shit," Tony reluctantly admitted. "I can't sleep and I'm having nightmares and panic attacks."

"Since when?" Dr. White asked, now eyeing him with more interest.

"Since..." Tony said, hesitating again for a moment. "Since I got back from Afghanistan. Terrorists had kidnapped me a few months ago… and they… they had tortured me… I don't know how much you may have seen in the news about that."

"I have seen a bit. Well, especially that you became Iron Man afterwards. Are these nightmares you have about the torture?"

"Mostly, yes."

"And it gets worse?"

"Yes. Sometimes I feel like the nightmares haunt me during the day, too… maybe because I keep myself from sleeping."

"You mean you see the images sometimes even when you're not sleeping? When you're awake?"

Tony nodded and looked away. Talking about it was upsetting. He didn't want to talk about it. He didn't even want to think about it.

"This is a bit alarming to be honest… That's why you started drinking more alcohol?" Dr. White asked, taking notes without taking his eyes off Tony. "Or how did you get these increased liver enzymes?"

Knowing full well that silence would not help, Tony crossed his arms again. He wanted to talk about that even less.

"Been to a lot of parties lately…" he mumbled, avoiding looking at the psychiatrist.

"Parties…" Dr. White said with little conviction. "How often and how much do you drink?"

"Every once in a while."

"On a daily base?"

"Of course not."

"Are you sure?"

"Oh, wait. I've been using a lot of nasal spray for a while. Had a bad cold. Maybe that's where the blood values are coming from?"

Dr. White smiled slightly. Nasal spray, increased liver enzymes - sure.

"I could give you some very good and reputable addresses for help."

"Exceptionally obliging of you, but I'm in no need."

"Don't take this easy. Your symptoms indicate a lot of stress, possibly post-traumatic stress. Someone professional needs to take a closer look at you. You could go to psychotherapy and learn how to deal with the panic attacks, talk about what happened to you, and try techniques for better sleep."

Tony said nothing, hoping this conversation was gradually coming to an end.

"So, how did you end up drinking so much at this charity event on Friday night? A blood alcohol level of .42%, that's considerable. Most people would have died at this amount of alcohol. You instead were still walking around. And if that wasn't enough you took so much cocaine that you collapsed and stopped breathing. I don't believe someone like you isn't aware of the effects both drugs have on the body. So, what drove you to do it?"

"I can't explain..."

"I need you to try."

"I... I don't know. I lost control. I wasn't feeling well and I also had a fight with my assistant – then I just got drunk. And when I was completely wasted, suddenly I didn't care about anything anymore," Tony reflected, then looked directly at the psychiatrist. "But I didn't mean for it to happen. At some point, I didn't even realize how drunk I was already."

"That's very typical when doing cocaine, that you don't realize how drunk you are anymore," Dr. White explained, nodding.

But he had realized it. Tony could remember some parts of the night. And he remembered that he somehow knew what he was doing. It was like watching himself from some distance. Stop thinking about it, he reminded himself as these thoughts scared him. Just try to get out of this situation.

"I went too far, it won't happen again. I really didn't mean to."

"You didn't intend for it to happen, yes. But by acting like you did you accepted that it might would. You brought yourself in a dangerous situation and then just let it happen," Dr. White said, tilting his head, his narrow eyebrows drawn together thoughtfully.

"Yes..." Tony admitted, trying to stand his gaze.

"Frankly speaking, I think it's quite concerning. Your problems belong in professional hands. But it's not up to me to decide that for you. The responsibility is yours."

Stretching, Dr. White suddenly stood up and extended his hand to Tony.

"There is no history in the records, and from a psychiatric point there is no need to refer you to inpatient treatment. You are not suicidal right now. Even though you've been not quite honest in some points and seem very stricken and burdened to me, there's nothing I can do but recommend you take care of yourself, limit your alcohol intake, and get professional help in form of psychotherapy."

Tony reluctantly shook his hand and said nothing. He hated doctors, nurses, and psychiatrists.

Dr. White walked to the door, stopped, and turned again.

"Get help. This is just going to get worse, Mr. Stark. Do yourself the favor."

Five days after his admission and after the psychiatrist's okay, Tony discharged himself. He was glad to finally go home. Pepper was helping him into his suit jacket and then briefly straightening his tie. She still looked very worried but was also relieved about returning to Malibu today.

"Shall we?" Pepper asked.

"The sooner the better."

The two walked out of the room, a nurse waved goodbye, and they got in the elevator.

"Listen," Pepper said thoughtfully. "There's a lot of press waiting down there. I just want to give you a heads-up."

"Yeah, I figured as much," Tony responded, trying to look calm.

"Don't go for what they say. We are not going to comment on anything. The S.H.I.E.L.D. agents will meet us right at the entrance, they'll drive us to the airport and escort us directly into the private jet."

"Coulson must be pissed. I'll be grounded again for sure," Tony commented.

"Very funny," Pepper said tonelessly.

The two stepped off the elevator and then walked to the entryway. Tony could feel the tension rising inside him. Hopefully they would get to the car as quickly as possible. Two agents were already waiting for them at the door.

"This way please," one of them said and then pointed through the glass door to the right.

Tony nodded and together they all went outside. Five more agents joined them outside. Pepper hadn't made too many promises. The flurry of flashbulbs he was well acquainted with immediately burst upon them. Tony couldn't count how many reporters had set up camp outside the hospital. They were yelling and jostling. The agents did their best not to let anyone get too close to them. A few police officers were also here, trying to calm down the group. Tony was downright blinded and held his hand over his eyes. Pepper next to him did the same.

"How are you doing, Tony?"

"Can you confirm you got hospitalized because of a drug overdose?"

"I heard there was coke and hookers involved! Mr. Stark, can you comment on that?"

"Did you have a mental breakdown, Tony?"

"The doctors gave us an interview! They said you took cocaine, ecstasy, benzos, and heroin. What do you have to say about that?"

"Eyewitnesses claim you had sex in the restroom while overdosing! Is that true?"

"Pepper Potts, how are you involved into this? Were you one of the women Mr. Stark had sex with in the restroom? Can you give us any info?"

"Is this a cry for help or for attention?"

Pepper grabbed his arm. "That's just yellow press bullshit, don't react. Just ignore it."

Only with difficulty could Tony restrain himself from saying anything and he forced himself to walk silently to the car. Don't let them provoke you, he told himself several times, they're just waiting for you to snap.

Tony was relieved when he could hide behind the tinted windows of the Cadillac, and when the car started moving. He sensed Pepper giving him furtive glances. Of course, he was used to such questions; it really wasn't the first time he had caused a public scandal. And yet this thing was different. The questions and insinuations hit him harder than usual.

After a short time, they arrived at the airport. Tony and Pepper quickly boarded the private jet, both wanting nothing more than to close some door behind them that could shield them from the rest of the world.

"Glad you could make it," a voice called from the back of the jet.

It was Agent Romanoff, sitting on the couch and scowling at Tony.

"What are you doing here?" Tony asked in surprise.

"Making sure you make it home in one piece without further damage," she replied.

Tony and Pepper sat down while the door of the jet was getting closed.

"What the hell has gotten into you?" Romanoff yelled.

"I don't want to explain myself again," Tony said tired.

"I'm afraid you'll have to, Stark!" Romanoff retorted sourly.

"Do I? Then I suppose you got into trouble with Coulson?" Tony asked, half amused, half worried.

"Yes, indeed. And I'll love to pass that trouble on to you!"

Tony turned to Pepper. "My god… she's always angry, isn't she?"

Romanoff tossed a handful of newspapers and magazines into his lap. Tony picked up one after another and read the headlines. More uncomfortable pinpricks drilled into his body and his stress level was already rising significantly again.

Tony Stark. From merchant of death to drug lord.

IRON MAN IN HOSPITAL! Tough on the outside, too soft on the inside?

The rise and fall of a superhero.

Rock star airs and graces! The 10 worst character flaws of Tony Stark.

Breakdown of a hero. Did the pressure get too heavy?

MENTAL BREAKDOWN! COCAINE! ALCOHOL! THE END OF IRON MAN?

Intoxicated Iron Man. How much hero is left in Tony?

After overdose. Is pride and arrogance to blame for Tony Stark's breakdown?

Tony looked up into Romanoff's angry face. Pepper took the papers from his hand and groaned as she began to leaf through them as well.

"As if we didn't already have enough trouble before that!" Romanoff yelled. "What's the matter with you?"

Romanoff burst out with a torrent of angry questions and statements. Actually, Tony wanted to respond coolly, casually waving it off and distract her by talking big. But for some reason he couldn't think of anything to say. Tony felt overwhelmed and stressed. When would they finally leave him alone? When was he finally able to get some rest?

"Do you have any other such grandiose ideas? If so, I'd love to hear them right now!"

"Agent Romanoff!" Pepper suddenly shouted in a cutting tone. "It's enough!"

Both Tony and Romanoff looked at Pepper in surprise. Tony felt gratitude toward Pepper. She stood up for him, she stood by him, she tried to protect him. Romanoff seemed to realize that she had talked herself into a bit of a frenzy. She mumbled something that sounded like a sorry and then silently looked out the window.

"Please fasten your seatbelts," one of the stewardesses told them and so they did.

"Stark," Romanoff then said. "I, um... Do you feel any better?"

Tony looked at her stunned, then had to smile. "Yes. Thank you."

"That's good. I was worried."

The plane took off.

Happy was already waiting for them when they landed. Tony was relieved that Happy greeted him in a normal way and didn't add drama as well. He simply told him that he was glad that Tony was back in one piece and that was the end of it. Tony couldn't wait to finally have some time alone. So he hoped to get rid of the others when they all arrived at his estate.

"We should quickly discuss what to do next," Romanoff said, striding ahead.

Pepper got a call at that moment. "I'll be right there," she said, the phone already to her ear.

So Tony followed Romanoff inside, Happy with his suitcase close behind.

As they walked into the living room, Tony loosened his tie a bit and brushed off his suit jacket, which he then carelessly dropped on the floor behind him, where Happy picked it up unasked.

"What a huge house for just one person," Romanoff finally commented.

"That always leaves room for one more person," Tony countered.

"Yes? Do you have a particular person in mind?" she asked, stepping very close to him and looking at him - was it flirtatious?

Tony looked into Romanoff's pretty face in total surprise, but then his eyes fell on her - suddenly quite generous - cleavage. He could have sworn that two of the top buttons of her blouse were still buttoned when they were on the plane.

"Do you like what you see?" Romanoff asked softly, smiling slightly.

"I always enjoy a nice view," Tony replied, even more surprised, but now also grinning.

What was she up to? On the plane she had been angry at first, but then she had suddenly asked him how he was, expressing her concern. And now she was flirting with him? Whether he had changed or not, Tony Stark was still far too much Tony Stark not to jump at it. And somehow he was curious, too.

Romanoff reached for his tie, untied the knot, and held both ends in her hand. Then she let go of one side and gave it a slight tug, so that the tie very slowly slid along his neck and finally fell off. Tony's neck tingled. Well, this was getting exciting.

At that moment, Happy cleared his throat noticeable noisily. Tony and Romanoff both looked in his direction, where Pepper was now standing as well. She was scowling and had her arms crossed. Romanoff, on the other hand, seemed visibly amused, and Tony wondered whether she had deliberately brought about this situation.

"Good, you're here, let's talk for a minute," Romanoff said in Pepper's direction.

"Talk," Pepper remarked sourly.

Romanoff did not respond to that, and her tone now became serious again. "Ok, now this is how it goes. Don't talk to the press under any circumstances, none of you. S.H.I.E.L.D. will handle it, we'll discuss what kind of press release we'll end up putting out. I want you, Stark, to stay out of the public eye. Do you hear me? No shopping in the city, no night hikes to public places, no flights in the armor. And for God's sake, no more parties, galas, or other events of any kind. Just stay where the press can't get to."

"When do you send out the press release?" asked Pepper, who could only reluctantly bring herself not to look annoyed. "I don't think we should continue to give the media so much time to speculate. I, too, would hate seeing myself to be still portrayed as a hooker."

"Before the weekend, don't worry." Romanoff now looked back at Tony. "And you. Whatever made you let yourself go the way you did in New York - get your shit together. I didn't think it would be so exhausting working with you. Feels like every week there's a new crisis for S.H.I.E.L.D. to deal with."

Tony shrugged and dissembled his feelings. When Romanoff left, he was relieved.

Tony took a deep breath. He was home again. Finally. That disgusting hospital air, the constant explanations he had had to give, the talk with the psychiatrist, a worried Pepper, a weird Romanoff. It was all too much.

Now Pepper was still here. Apparently she tried to hide some anger. Tony thought about asking her about it, but he didn't have the energy to deal with that for now. And as much as he wanted to be near her, what he needed now was to be alone. Pepper seemed to be thinking the same thing. She stood hesitantly beside him, her own car keys in hand, ready to leave at a moment.

"Don't worry, I won't jump off the balcony," Tony said with a grin and an effort for nonchalance.

Pepper nodded sternly. "I know. I'll pick you up tomorrow at nine. We're going to the office."

"What?!" Tony protested, grimacing.

"Working a bit will do you good. And there's really a lot to sort out now. All the appointments in New York did not take place, we need to reschedule. Besides - the shorter your absence from the business, the sooner the negative headlines will stop."

"Yeah yeah, all right," Tony muttered.

Pepper gave him a searching look. "Will you be fine?"

"Yes."

"Ok." Pepper hesitated. "Are you sure you are ok?"

"Um… Yes."

"Well then. Nine o'clock," she said. "And Tony, I mean nine."

"Got it, boss."

"Good..."

Pepper turned and walked toward the front door.

"Pepper?" Tony called after her.

"Yeah?"

"Have a good night!"

"…You, too."

The door closed behind her.

Tony was alone.

The next morning Pepper walked through the front door. It was ten to nine; he'd better be ready to go. There really was a lot to do today.

"Tony, where are you?"

He was probably still in the bathroom perfecting his hairstyle or something. Pepper knocked timidly at the bathroom door. "Are you in there?"

She received no answer. Frowning, she turned. He'd better not be still asleep! She'd told him she'd pick him up on time, hadn't she?

"Jarvis!" she called as she marched off toward the bedroom. "Where is he?"

"In the bathroom, Miss Potts," Jarvis answered instantly. "The one you just knocked at."

Confused, Pepper turned again and knocked - louder this time. Nothing.

"Tony? I'll come in... okay?"

Still no answer. Slowly and nervously, she opened the door.

And yes, there was Tony. Undoubtedly.

He was half kneeling, half lying in front of the toilet, his head resting on the side of the toilet bowl. He was asleep, snoring softly, looking pathetic. Next to him was an emptied bottle of gin. At first Pepper thought she was dreaming. What an image. He had just been released from the hospital yesterday after suffering from alcohol poisoning - and the very first thing that came to his mind was to immediately get so drunk again that he had spent half the night throwing up? Was this for real? Slowly but surely enough was enough!

"You've got to be kidding me!" Pepper shouted upset, looking down almost in disgust at the man in front of her.

Tony woke with a start. "Wha-? Shit… Pepper?"

"Asshole," Pepper said quietly, and she was surprised herself by her cold tone.

With a loud bang, she slammed the door behind her and walked away. If he was so indifferent to how others felt while he blithely carried on as before, then that's just how she would do it from now on, too.

Yes, he was very important to her. But no, there was also a limit. She would get sick if she had to keep watching this. She couldn't do it anymore. She didn't want to be a part of his public execution! It seemed as if he had a rope around his neck and was prancing recklessly on the chair below him. She desperately needed distance from all this circumstances - and from him.

"Pepper! Wait!"

She heard footsteps behind her.

"Pepper! Please wait! Pepper!"

She didn't stop.