Michigan was famous for a lot of things (like Kid Rock) but one of them was not its brutal summers. The Mitten State, as Johnny sometimes called it, was so far north that it kissed Canada, which meant that it was typically cold in the winter and fairly mild in the summer. The average summertime temp was 80 degrees and nights were in the fifties and sixties. Sure, there were days when it got hotter than that, but for the most part, it wasn't so bad.

Until the Heatwave of 2020.

It started in early July with a run of days cracking 95. In late July, it reached 100 three times in one week. Then, in mid-August, it peaked at 103.

And stayed there.

By day four of "this historic heatwave" (per WKBBL), Johnny was half-dead. The AC inside couldn't keep up and it was a good 80 degrees in the house. Dad sat in his chair in his wife beater and tightie whities, a bag of frozen vegetable under each butt cheek, and Mom took cold shower after shower since she couldn't strip to her skivvies too. It was semi-cool in the basement, and Lincoln set up shop next to the old disconnected furnace. He played his DS and talked to Maggie on the phone. It was all peachy for a while, then a nest of daddy longlegs dropped onto the top of his head and he nearly had a heart attack. Now he refused to go down. Johnny briefly considered taking his spot but he didn't like spiders either, so he said "Nope" and steered clear.

For him, the worst thing about the whole heat wave business was that he couldn't go outside. Going outside was death. Your health meter would start to drop, then when it hit zero, you'd fall over like the guy from GTA 5.

WASTED.

As soon as you stepped out the door, the heat wrapped itself around you like a heavy blanket. It sucked the air from your lungs, soaked into your skin like poison, and fried your eyeballs in their sockets. You ever been in the middle of a big snowstorm, and it's dead silent because all that snow, like cushions the noise? That's what it was like now, as though the heat were a tangible mass of red death you could measure with a yardstick. Just walking from the front door to the mailbox left you gasping for air and covered in two layers of sweat. Doing literally anything was out of the question.

And that was a yuge problem (to borrow a phrase from the President). See, Johnny Velazquest was an active guy. He liked being out and about doing things. First and foremost, he enjoyed making money...and that entailed actually going outside and working for it. He and Lincoln hauled scrap metal out of the woods all the time - they had this sick spot where everyone went to dump their unwanted appliances and stuff, and it was basically a goldmine. Going out there and fetching that sweet, sweet copper wire was impossible with this dang heat. Even going to service his and Lincoln's vending machines proved difficult.

But even less-strenuous activities just couldn't happen. He tried to go to the park the other day but turned back around and went home half way through. He went into the backyard a few times, but unless he just sat there on the back step with his face in his hands, he started choking and sweating in five minutes. He couldn't play ball, he couldn't run, he couldn't ride his bike, he couldn't act a fool - he was a kid and he couldn't be a kid. He was crackling, bursting, exploding with energy and had no way to get it out.

Plus his money was starting to dwindle. He and Lincoln ordered fans, ice cream, and other chilly things off the internet and since they weren't working, their stacks weren't being replenished. Ugh. Not only was he hot and going stir crazy like dude in The Shining, he was going broke to boot.

Then, one day, as he lay inert on his bed, stripped to his underwear and fevered even though three fans blew on him, a light bulb appeared about his head and he sat bolt upright. "Eureka!" he cried and thrust his index finger into the air.

Lincoln, draped over his own bed and looking like a limp dish rag, lifted his head. "What?" he croaked rustily.

Swinging his legs over the side of the bed, Johnny got to his feet and rushed over to the ancient PC he and Lincoln shared. "Why didn't I think of this sooner?" he asked. "It's genius! It'll solve all of our problems in one fell swoop. It's brilliant. It's epic. It's so obvious that even you could have come up with it, Linc."

Lincoln rolled over and sat up. "What?" he pressed.

"Just watch," Johnny grinned.

He went to Amazoom dot com and five minutes later, a drone smashed into the window, almost breaking it. Sergio, napping on his roost, jumped up and started squawking. "PIGEONS!"

"Get that, will you?" Johnny asked.

Lincoln got up, went to the window, and lifted the sash. The drone buzzed in and Sergio hid behind the nightstand. The drone came right to Johnny and dropped two packages in his lap. "Here you go, my good man," he said and handed it a fifty. A robotic arm snaked out, took it, and left again.

"What's in there?" Lincoln asked.

Ignoring him, Johnny ripped open the packaging and smiled. "The solution to all our problems. Put on your clothes and meet me in the front yard."

Johnny pulled on a pair of shorts, stepped into his sandals, and carried his prize downstairs. Dad was still parked in front of the TV, naked save for his undies. His flabby fat rolls glistened with sweat and his distended stomach quivered like a plate of jello. On TV, the Ultimate Warrior beat The Honky Tonk Man at Summerslam '88 and Johnny groaned. "It's too hot for wrestling."

"I know," Dad moaned miserably, "but I lost the remote and can't change it."

Poor sucker.

Outside, the day crashed into Johnny like a blast of heat from a furnace. Sweat instantly sprang to his brow and the air left his lungs in an audible whoosh. He wilted like a flower in the hot sun and started to droop: His shoulders sagged, his head lulled, and his face meat sagged from his skull. He dragged himself into the yard, dropped the boxes onto the dead, brown grass, and knelt.

Sweat poured from him in warm, slimy rivulets and the sun baked his skin. Johnny was black, so he drew sun rays like a magnet draws metal. Sweat stung his eyes, got into his mouth, soaked his shorts, and dripped onto the ground like fat raindrops, where they practically sizzled. Johnny whipped his head to the side like a dog shaking itself dry, and Lincoln cried out when sweat pelted him. "Oh, good, you're here," Johnny said, "help me with this."

They worked slowly and gently to avoid overexerting themselves. In half an hour, they were finished. A massive inflatable two story pool with a slide occupied half of the yard. Beside it was a much smaller baby pool. "Get the hose," Johnny said.

Lincoln grabbed the garden hose from under the back porch. It snagged on something, and frowning, Lincoln yanked it. It wouldn't budge. Sighing in frustration, Lincoln yanked again, and it came free, knocking him to his butt. "Stupid thing!" he cried. He got to his feet and dragged the hose out front, where Johnny stood over the big pool with his hands on his hips. Lincoln turned the hose on and draped it over the side; water splashed and gurgled and began to pool.

Since it would take a while for it to fill up, they went inside and ate Rocket Pops. Mom rested her head on the kitchen table and moaned as if in pain and Dad was unconscious in his chair, eyes rolled back in his head. On TV, Vince Russo called Hulk Hogan a big bald SOB and swore he'd never wrestle in WCW ever again. He was right, because WCW went out of business almost immediately afterwards.

Once the pool was filled, they filled the baby pool then set the hose up so that it poured a continuous stream of water down the slide. Lincoln got in, sat, and draped his arms on the side of the pool. The water almost reached his nipples.

He let out a sigh of contentment and threw his head back. Johnny got in and sat across from him. The water was blessedly cold and sent goosebumps racing up and down his arms. Ahhhh, that was better.

"You're a genius, dude," Lincoln said.

"I know," Johnny beamed.

"I just have one question."

Johnny flopped his head back as if to bask in his brother's praise. It wasn't often that his brilliance was recognized, especially by Linctard, so when these moments came around, he made extra sure to savor them like a wine snob with a vintage 1900 chardonnay. "What's that?"

Lincoln sat up straight, sending little ripples through the pool. A thirsty leaf had landed in the water as if its lure was too tempting to resist, and already, a bug had found its way in and drowned. The waves produced by Lincoln's movement rocked its upended carcass like a heavy storm surge battering a ship at sail. "You said this would solve all of our problems."

"Yep," Johnny said, "I sure did."

"Alright, well, it solved the problem of us being hot. What else will it solve?"

"The problem of us being broke."

Lincoln opened his mouth, then a big Chesire smile spread across his face. "I see what you mean."

They shared an evil little laugh.

Fifteen minutes later, after enjoying a little peace and relaxation, they went across the street, Johnny in the lead. Up and down Franklin Avenue, front lawns stood empty and nothing moved, not even a breath of wind. The only noise was the low, electric hum of window mounted air conditioning units. No wind blew, no birds called, and the hazy sky reminded Johnny of a theatrical backdrop.

The Loud house huddled against the heat like an old woman with stooped shoulders - that was a strange and nonsensical alapgy, but it was the first thing that popped into Johnny's head. The grass was overgrown because no one was stupid enough to try cutting it in these temperatures and the windows glimmered like evil eyes. The porch seemed to sag, as if unable to support itself any longer, and all the plants hanging from the ceiling were dead or close. Johnny knocked on the door, waited, then knocked again.

No one answered.

That was odd. Since there were, like, twenty people in there, someone always answered. Were they okay? What if their air conditioner crapped out and they all died?

"You think they're okay?" Lincoln asked.

Johnny bit his lower lip. "I dunno."

He tried the knob.

Unlocked.

Did the Louds usually leave their front door unlocked? He searched his memory banks but couldn't recall. Royal Woods was a small town where you could get away with that kind of thing, but it wasn't 1970 anymore. People be trippin'.

A little worried now, he opened the door and went inside.

The living room was empty but the TV was on, suggesting people were nearby. On the screen, Joe Biden, in a grill and a sideways snapback, called black people who didn't plan to vote for him "whickety-whack, yo" and Nick Canon agreed, calling them Jew lovers.

Johnny cocked his head and listened. There were ten girls in the Loud family, and they made more noise than a fat guy falling down a flight of stairs, but he heard nothing. Zip. Nada. Zilch. No banging, no thumping, no screaming, no crying, no whining, no bickering, no Mr. Loud yelling for the madness to end, no Mrs. Loud threatening to ground everyone.

It was eerie.

"Hello?" Johnny called.

Nothing.

He went into the kitchen.

And he found them.

The Loud girls, all ten of them, stood in a huge group around the open refrigerator wearing bikinis like they were going on a trip to the beach. Lucy sat inside the fridge ("This is where I go to cry," she said) and the others fanned themselves or pressed frozen foods to various parts of their bodies in an attempt to get cool.

Bingo, Johnny thought.

"Hey, guys," he said.

They all looked at him.

"We got something for you," Lincoln girinned.

A few minutes later, Lincoln and Johnny stood before their pool, the Loud girls gathered around and looking excited. "This is literally great," Lori said.

"I can't wait to take a dip," Lana said.

Lynn, for her part, crossed her arms and favored Lincoln and Johnny suspiciously. "What's the catch?" she asked.

"What do you mean?" Johnny asked innocently.

"There's always a catch with you two," she said.

Lincoln and Johnny exchanged a knowing glance. She knew them so well.

"No catch," Johnny said, "but there is a nominal fee.

"A very tiny one," Lincoln said and held his thumb and forefinger close together.

Everyone groaned.

"How much?" Lynn signed.

Lincoln and Johnny looked at each other. Physically, they were as unalike as night and day, one impossibly white and the other impossibly black, one with dreads and the other with slicked back fifties hair or something. They were both kinda scrawny and they had messed up teeth because Mom's side of the family had a weak tooth game, but that was where the similarities ended. Even personality wise they were different. Lincoln was more analytical, Johnny more impulsive. But sometimes the stars and planets perfectly aligned and their brains logged onto the same wavelength. The thought that passed between them may as well have been spoken for as loudly as both boys heard it.

"Ten bucks," Johnny said.

Lynn's jaw dropped. "Ten dollars?"

"A pop," Lincoln added.

Lily, her diaper magically gone, toddled over to the baby pool and climbed in. "We'll let her in free" Lincoln said.

"Yeah," Johnny said, "we're not monsters. We -"

His words cut off when Lynn snatched the front of his shirt and dragged his face to hers. "How about I beat you to a pulp and then take your little pool?"

Johnny's heart slammed. There was a fire in Lynn's eyes that told him she would do it in a heartbeat. "I-If you do that…"

Lincoln whistles and Sergio fluttered down from the roof, landing on the pool. His talons were sharp. Very sharp.

"All I have to do is say the word," Johnny said, "and no pool for you."

Lynn shoved him back and sighed. "Fine. Give us a few minutes."

Alright! Now we're in business.

The Louds all went home and returned ten minutes later. "We have 83.50," Lynn said and held out a crumpled wad of money and coins.

Darn. Johnny was hoping for 100.

83.50 was better than nothing.

"Alright, fine," he said and took the money.

"Come on, girls!" Lynn yelled.

The Louds fell on the pool like a pack of wild dogs, Lola and Lana shoving each other, Luna banging her head and spiking a devil sign, and Leni's tongue hanging out. They all got in and instantly started splashing and yelling. Johnny took the money inside, put it away, and came back just in time to catch a beach ball to the face. "Think fast," Lola said.

"Hey," he replied. He picked it up and cocked it back.

"Noooo!" Lola yelled and scrambled to get out of the way. Johnny grinned, aimed it at the back of her head, and fired. It hurtled through the air like a bullet. At the very last possible moment, it veered slightly to the right, missed Lola, and rammed into the side of Lucy's head, driving it forward with a sickening clack of teeth. Johnny winced and cringed. Lucy, no-selling like Vince McMahon tearing his quads, turned around and looked at him.

"Not cool, Johnny," she said.

Lynn did a cannonball and splashed her.

Lincoln, Luan, and Lisa sat in the baby pool with Lily, who wore a fresh diaper. Lincoln held out his arms and Lily jumped into them, kneeing him in the nuts in the process.

"TAG, YOU'RE IT!"

Something slammed into Johnny's back, and, flapping his arms in a vain attempt to retain his balance, he fell forward and landed face first in the pool. He fought his way to the surface, sucked a gasp of air, and looked around for his assailant.

Leni grinned at him. "You can't catch me."

She turned and darted away. For a moment, he gaped after her, then he jumped up and gave chase. No one got away with pushing him into the pool. NO ONE.

Lana jumped into the baby pool and splashed water at Lincoln, "Hey," he laughed.

She splashed him again.

"Do something about it," she challenged.

"Okay, then."

He splashed her back.

Lori laid in the pool on her back. Luna came down the slide and crashed into her. "Ow!"

Johnny grabbed the hose and went after Leni.

"Stoppp!" she cried. "I, like, give!"

Since mercy was for the weak (and the Duffy), Johnny aimed the hose at her and slipped his thumb over the nozzle, making it spray crazily this way and that. Leni squealed, slipped in the wet grass, and went down hard, skinning her knees. Not even noticing, she popped back to her feet and went on. Johnny followed, but stopped when something wet and squishy struck him in the back of the head, making him stumble. He whipped around, ready to do battle.

A soggy diaper stared up at him.

A look of disgust twisted his features. He looked up, and Lincoln, Lisa, Luan, Luna, and Lana all pointed at Lily, who stood naked in the pool with her arms out on either side of her. "Gahhhh."

"It was her," Lincoln said.

Johnny furrowed his brows. "Sure it was."

"Really," Lincoln said. The lying glint in his eye gave him away. Lily was a baby and babies have weak arms. Only an eleven year old white haired little boy could hit like that.

Johnny sprayed him in the face. Lisa, Lana, and the other scrambled out of the pool, laughing, and Lily sat down. "Poo poo."

Some time later, someone broke out a fleet of Super Soakers. The Loud girls comprised one team and Lincoln and Johnny the other. They ran through the yard yelling, screaming, and shooting each other, and even though the heat was intense, they were having way too much fun to notice or to care if they did.

As sundown approached, the ice cream truck pulled up, bumping that new jingle by RZA because the old one was apparently used in minstrel shows or something. You know what else was used in minstrel shows? Singing and dancing. Better ban those too. "ICE CREAM!" Lola screeched.

"Frozen dairy treats!" Lisa added.

The Louds all ran to the truck like a pack of brain hungry zombies rushing a group of punks in a funeral home. Lynn patted her pockets. "I don't have any money," she said.

Everyone gasped.

"Neither do I," Lori said. "I gave everything I had to Johnny and Lincoln."

They all slumped their soldiers in disappointment.

Johnny and Lincoln looked at each other. As they had earlier, they shared a single thought. Johnny sighed deeply and threw his head back. He really didn't want to do this...but he wasn't a monster and he'd feel like total crud if he didn't do it. "I'll go get the money," he said.

The Louds all perked up and Lincoln nodded. You did the right thing, Johnny, that gesture seemed to say. Now hurry up before I change my mind.

Out of 83 bucks, Johnny spent almost 30 on ice cream, but, you know, he didn't mind helping out his friends when they needed it.

After they all finished their ice cream, they disposed of their trash in one of the rusted and dented metal trash cans on the side of the house, where shadows grew long and the grass was so tall that it tickled your kneecaps, then went back to their play. At one point, Mom and Dad came out and threw themselves into the pool like a couple island natives sacrificing their bodies to the evil cannibal god making his or her home in their local volcano. "Oh, thank God," Dad said before giving himself to the water.

Johnny was glad he invited the Loud girls over.

They were fun.

And the fun lasted until long after the sun went down.

THE END