This chapter is a bit shorter. Tony is starting to get really worse, Pepper is going to notice how bad it actually is.

Also, I hurt my finger, so I don't know if I'm able to type the next chapter within a week (and I really don't want to do that much typing with my left hand only).

As always, I hope you enjoy and feel free to give your critics!

Chapter 19

After his encounter with Brown or Everhart or whatever her name was, Tony had searched for Romanoff. Unfortunately, one of the agents outside the gates had informed him, that she was currently not available. He had not given any further information about her whereabouts. However, after Tony nearly had thrown a tantrum, he had promised to pass on to Romanoff that Tony wanted to talk to her.

If the Ten Rings had been seen and a reporter knew about it, then S.H.I.E.L.D. definitely had to know what was going on. Why weren't any of them talking to him, anyway? They only showed up when he screwed up.

Over the next few days, while waiting impatiently, Tony tried to stay away from alcohol as much as he could. Like Pepper had asked him to – or pleaded. She spent almost all her time with him, to support him he supposed, and he was grateful for her efforts. Unfortunately, it didn't have the effect Pepper might have intended. It was on the contrary, the nightmares worsened, Tony hardly slept at all and kept himself awake with gallons of coffee. In addition, he was in a persistent state of anxiety and restlessness. And he had become virtually useless in the workshop. While rebuilding his armor, he was making mistakes by the minute, so Jarvis had almost fallen into a several hours lasting monologue to steer the constructions somehow in the right direction.

As pleasant as he found Pepper's presence on the one hand, it also made him irritable on the other. He got the impression that she was trying to control him. Tony caught himself constantly looking at his watch in the evenings, counting the time it would take for her to go home. When she finally left, the first thing he did was to pour himself a drink. He held back, but he didn't want to give up on it. It was still the only thing that helped.

After a short time, however, Tony was forced to revert to the old familiar method. His panic attacks occurred so frequently that he no longer felt capable of doing anything. Not wanting to risk another conflict with Pepper, he tried to hide from her that he was drinking more again. Tony knew well himself that he had a problem and that this wasn't the best way. But it was the only way to at least function to some extent. He had to take care of Stark Industries now, he had to find and take out the Ten Rings and keep up appearances in public at the same time. Now was no time to show weakness. Once these problems were taken care of, he wouldn't need the alcohol anymore.

So, on a rainy day, Tony was sitting in the study at home with Pepper. She walked him through a few topics she simultaneously noted down on her laptop. Tony had a hard time listening. He was sweating and jittery. He could hardly focus on anything. What he needed was…

"All right, I'll take care of everything," Pepper said, setting a check mark. "There's also the New York office. The architect sent us some proposals."

"The architect?" Tony asked.

"Joe Ramirez. We met him, do you remember? It was the only appointment in New York we made it to. Before charity."

"Oh. Yeah. Sure."

"We'll have to go through those proposals, and you need to pick out the one you like. In addition, as you know, we couldn't get a contract with a construction company last time we were there... We'd still have to take care of that."

"Absolutely," Tony replied and slowly got up. "Aren't you getting tired? I'm getting tired. I think I need a coffee. Want some, too?"

"Yes, please," Pepper answered absentmindedly, completely focused on her laptop.

Tony went into the kitchen, made coffee, and poured two large mugs. Into his mug, however, he added a generous shot of a Rémy Martin Louis XIII Black Pearl. What could get you through a meeting with Pepper better than an excellent cognac like this?

"I could make some calls and get some quotations," Pepper said when he came back. "As money's no object, you can pick the one that fits best."

"Sure." Tony sat down, placed Peppers mug in front of her and sipped his own in relief. If he wasn't going to let her smell on his mug and kept a safe distance to her, she wouldn't notice.

"I've already talked to the New York office," Pepper continued. "They're looking forward to a modernized Stark Tower. By the way, they're also looking forward to new assignments. I have to say they seemed very positive, that was different after your announcement to stop the weapons production."

"Good."

Pepper looked at him with raised eyebrows, so Tony inwardly gave himself a little jolt and elaborated on his answer. "Um yes… So, here's how we do it. You find out what these companies offer, fly to New York, and nail it all down."

"What? Aren't you coming with me?"

"Ah, I'm not really up for New York," Tony said, clearing his throat. "I trust you. You'll pick out the best, I'm sure."

Pepper seemed to be thinking sharply as she eyed him suspiciously. "Ok, if you're satisfied with my judgment. I'd like to have some key data on what you have in mind, though, and I have a few ideas on my own -"

But what Pepper's ideas happened to be, Tony couldn't hear. From one second to the next, it was as if someone had turned off the sound. He knew perfectly well that he was sitting in the study with Pepper, that he was sitting right here in this chair, facing her. He could also see that she was moving her mouth, although he couldn't hear anything - and at the same time he saw how it suddenly got dark. The walls around him became stony and he felt an icy cold. Then he heard someone say something in Arabic. Tony felt hands grabbing him and pushing him forward... towards the water trough... ready to push him back under water to finally get him to build the Jericho... The men were shouting in Arabic, shouting at him, pushing him roughly, grabbing him tightly and painfully by the shoulders... He felt a terrible panic inside him... they were pushing him forward... he could see his own reflection in the dark water…

"Tony?" Pepper asked for the second time.

But Tony did not answer. He just stared at her. Although it seemed more like he was looking right through her. He sat completely tense and motionless in his chair, his mouth slightly open, his eyes wide. Horrified. Frightened.

"Tony?" Pepper repeated, this time alarmed.

She registered a light film of sweat on his forehead and he was heavy breathing. He seemed almost frozen. What was wrong with him?

Pepper leaned over, touched Tony on the shoulder, and said his name aloud. Startled, Tony winced and jumped to his feet. Harried, he was looking around in the kitchen, then glancing down at himself and touching the front of his clothes at his chest.

"Tony, what's wrong?" Pepper asked, now definitely agitated.

"Pepper?" Tony gasped, finally no longer looking through her. "But... where...?"

She watched in trepidation as Tony ran his hands over his face and seemed to be struggling with himself, as if he had to fight tooth and nail for control.

"Tony, what's going on? Talk to me!"

Before Tony could answer, however, Natasha Romanoff entered the room.

"You wanted to see me so badly, Stark?" she asked without much ado.

Neither of them responded to her. Pepper still kept an eye on Tony, and Tony in turn, seemed to struggle for composure. He turned away, turned his back on them, and with shaking hands sipped his coffee.

"Am I interrupting something?" Romanoff asked irritated, staring holes in Tony's back.

"Actually -" Pepper began, but Tony interrupted her.

"Not at all," he said.

Romanoff waited, but when Tony didn't elaborate on what he wanted from her, she began to shift restlessly from one leg to the other. Finally, she turned to Pepper and raised her arms in the air, as if to ask impatiently, "So what does he want then?"

Pepper stood up and began to walk cautiously toward Tony. Something was wrong. What had just happened? He had looked as if he had suddenly seen a ghost.

"Tony?"

But when Tony finally turned around, everything seemed normal. He held his mug in his hand, downed the remains, and then - no longer shaking - set it down on the sideboard. Afterward, he leaned casually against it and nodded at Romanoff.

"Glad you could finally make it," Tony said in a calm voice. "Right to the point, it's about the Ten Rings. A Vanity Fair reporter told me a week ago that they have been seen. The Ten Rings have been seen near Kabul. Is that right?"

"Oh, that's what this is about," Romanoff asked, watching Tony observant. "Let me guess… Sandra Avens? Christine Everhart?"

"Second one."

"She really needs to stick her nose into all the affairs of the world," Romanoff said, rolling her eyes.

"More like into all affairs concerning Tony," Pepper opined, unable to help sounding a little piqued.

"Let's just focus on whether her sources are accurate or not," Tony said sullenly.

Romanoff crossed her arms and looked at Tony with a piercing glance. "Why are you so pale?"

"Haven't been out in the sun lately. Have they been seen there, or not?!"

"Yes. Supposedly they have."

"Near Kabul? For real? Why do I not know about this?!" Tony now looked more than upset. A very angry frown line had formed at his forehead.

"Stark... the Ten Rings are always being seen somewhere. Mostly it's just rumors, we rarely get any real confirmed information about their temporary whereabouts."

"So, is this particular rumor verified, Romanoff?"

"…Yes."

"What the fuck! You're withholding that information from me! If I knew where these fuckers were hiding, I could go and take care of them right now!"

"Exactly! You'd fly right away and get yourself into trouble again. Worked out so well the last few times. Get your shit together, Stark! Then we can talk about it."

Pepper looked from Tony's anger-filled face to Romanoff's deadpan expression.

"This isn't about any... it is… the Ten Rings... this is important!" Tony shouted angrily, wiping his forehead. His facade seemed to be crumbling again, Pepper felt almost shocked sensing this.

"I know," Romanoff now said calmly, almost sympathetically, continuing to keep eying him closely. "But I don't think you can do much right now."

"What do you mean by that?!"

"Look, there are other things in life than just the Ten Rings. Why don't you just -"

"There aren't! There's nothing else!"

It became totally quiet for a moment. Then Tony seemed to be losing it. He began pacing up and down, breathing heavy and constantly running his hands through his hair - until he stopped, as if something had occurred to him. The next moment he walked back to the sideboard and pulled out a bottle of whiskey, which he immediately opened and filled his mug with.

"Tony!" Pepper said warningly.

Oh, this was not good… Pepper would have liked to snatch the mug from his hand but restrained herself. Tony ignored Pepper's warning and drank his whiskey in one go. Romanoff narrowed her eyes and watched silently as he immediately poured himself another drink.

"I understand this isn't just any trivial thing," she finally said. "I can imagine that the Ten Rings have greatest significance for you, and that it's hard to get some closure about what happened when the kidnappers are still out there, going about their business as usual. But... Stark, in all sincerity... you strike me as being not quite yourself right now. And you're no help to us that way."

Pepper held her breath - expecting a huge explosion. But then Tony just nodded toward the floor, grabbed the whiskey bottle, and walked out of the room. For a moment, Pepper considered going after him, but then restrained herself again. What good would it do, as upset as he was? Then Romanoff's eyes met hers.

"Potts, what's going on here?" she asked.

"I... He... I'm not sure. Something is very wrong," Pepper said, feeling a great weariness coming over her. "And I feel like it's getting worse."

"What's getting worse?"

"I don't know... But it seems Tony is in a very bad shape."

The moment she said that a knot seemed to loosen somewhere in her body. As if she felt relief at finally being able to say this to another person. As if she didn't have to keep this to herself anymore. Like a secret. An emotionally very stressful secret.

"Last week he told me about nightmares of Afghanistan... something incredibly terrible seems to have happened over there, I hardly dare to imagine -"

"Well, we already know that. Those terrorists subjected him to water torture. They pushed him under water with his head until he felt like he was drowning. And they did this over and over, for weeks. Until he finally agreed to build this weapon, the Jericho he had presented."

Pepper stared at Romanoff in horror. "What?" she asked nearly shrieking.

Images of Tony being pushed underwater popped up in front of her inner eye. Pepper's horror turned almost into shock. For weeks? They had been doing this to him for weeks?

"He has never talked about it?" Romanoff asked, who was now looking at Pepper in surprise.

"No. Never about details. I just knew he was being tortured. But never how. Or that it had been that long. Or that gruesome. God…"

Again, Pepper thought she understood a little more why Tony was acting the way he was. So that's what he saw in his nightmares? Did he then have to relive those horrible scenes every time? She could understand why he was trying to avoid sleep…

Pepper felt like she had learned something forbidden. Tony had never told her this in detail, he hadn't wanted her to know. But now Romanoff had told it just like that.

"Tony must be traumatized… right?" Pepper thought aloud.

"Pretty sure. What did you think is the reason S.H.I.E.L.D. supervises Stark so closely? Did you think we do this with every special person?"