Johnny was down with the Loud girls. They were lit af. Sure, the younger ones had a creepy and uncomfortable crush on him (probably because they knew him and he was therefore "safe"), but overall, they were cool. Lori was a sick gamer, Lynn was always DTE (down to exercise), Luan kept him rolling, Lana could fix anything, Lisa was a super duper super genius, and Mr. Loud's beans and franks were freaking delicious. He wasn't a Loud girl, technically, but the way he wore a pink apron and shook his butt while he made cookies raised some serious questions.

Anyway, Johnny liked the Louds even though they got on his nerves. That did not mean that he wanted to spend his entire Saturday babysitting one of them.

Every August, Mr. and Mrs. Loud took the brood to visit her Great-Great-Aunt Ruth, a bunion ridden supercentenarian who straight up remembered Woodrow Wilson being president. Ruth lived in a canary yellow Victorian with gingerbread trim on a side street facing Kalamazoo's East Park and had a nurse help her get around. She was old, mean, and hateful, but Rita made the girls - and Lynn Sr. - visit anyway.

The only one who didn't have to go was Lily.

See, babies and animals are sensitive to the presence of evil, and every time Lily got around Ol' Ruth, she started wigging out like a fat kid dropping his ice cream. Mrs. Loud arranged for Carol Pingrey, Lori's BFF, to watch her for the day but at the last minute, Carol canceled: Something about rampaging geese and a broken window. Lincoln and Johnny were out on the sidewalk in front of their house, hawking random trinkets from the garage and attic (mainly Dad's old wrestling junk), when Rita rushed over just before ten. "Boys," she said, "I need a favor."

"Sure," Mrs. Loud Johnny said.

"What do you need?" Lincoln asked.

"Our sitter canceled and I need someone to watch Lily for a few hours."

Johnny was very quick on the upchuck and knew what Mrs. Loud wanted at once.

"Oooh, I don't know," Johnny said.

"Yeah," Lincoln said, just as quick as Johnny, "we're kids."

"I know, but I'm desperate," Mrs. Loud begged

Lincoln and Johnny looked at each other. Lily was great. She really was. But that was when they could pass her back to her mom or her sisters. If Mrs. Loud left Lily with them, they would be responsible for her. Including diaper changes. Yuck.

"Twenty bucks," Johnny said.

Rita sighed. "Fifteen."

"Seventeen," Lincoln said.

"Sixteen fifty."

Lincoln and Johnny looked at each other again. That would be eight twenty five a piece. Not a kingly sum but eight twenty five they wouldn't have had otherwise. "Alright, fine," Johnny said and sighed deeply. Was he making a huge mistake? He felt like he was making a huge mistake.

Then again, how hard could it really be? Sure, changing diapers sucked but Lily was a chill baby. While he and Lincoln did their hustle, she could sit in the grass, play, and do whatever it is babies do while their caregivers are busy.

Mrs. Loud went back across the street and returned with Lily and a diaper bag crammed with stuff. "This has everything you need," Mrs. Loud said. She then rattled off a long list of things that Johnny didn't catch because he kind of zoned. Okay, yeah, I get it, powder her butt, put her in a poop bag, give her a bottle and some snacks. Sheesh, lady, stop worrying so much, huh?

"Mommy loves you," she said and kissed Lily. She handed her to Lincoln, and Lily smiled broadly at him. "Take good care of my baby," Mrs. Loud said, voice hitching with emotion.

"Will do," Johnny assured her.

She lingered for a moment, perhaps having second thoughts, then turned and hurried across the street before she could change her mind. Lily clapped her hands and blew a snot bubble. "Well, Lil," Johnny, "you're hanging with the big dogs today. Think you can keep up?" He tickled her chin and she laughed.

On the opposite side of the street, the van backed out of the driveway, swung around, and slowed. The driver side window buzzed down and Mrs. Loud leaned over Mr. Loud's lap from the passenger seat. "Remember what I told you," she called.

Lincoln and Johnny both waved. "We will," they said in unison.

The van pulled off, and Lincoln and Johnny watched it until it was gone.

"Alright," Johnny said, "time to sell some junk."

"Time to try," Lincoln said.

Of all their business ventures, yard sales did the worst. Franklin, being a main thoroughfare between Main Street and Central Avenue, was fairly heavily trafficked but no one ever wanted to buy random stuff from a couple of kids. Strange, right? They barely made any money from tag sales but, hey, at least they got to sit down.

"And try we will," Johnny said.

Lily squirmed out of Lincoln's lap, sat in the grass, and ripped out a big handful.

For ten minutes straight, people walked past on their way north and south. Johnny did his best "step right up" pitch like a spielman on the ballyhoo, but no one took the bait. No one even looked at him. "This is dumb," he said.

"Right?" Lincoln asked. He looked down, saw Lily eating grass, and started. "Lily! No!"

He picked her up and sat her on the table. She bent one leg, shoved her toes into her mouth, and started to suck, making Lincoln and Johnny both cringe. "That's gross," Johnny said.

"GASP! SHE'S ADORABLE!"

A man with a bald spot and a woman in a sundress stood on the other side of the table, the woman with her hands clasped to the side of her face and little hearts in her eyes.

"That's Lily," Johnny said, "she's hanging out with us."

"She's the cutest thing ever," the woman said.

"Best looking baby I've seen all morning," the man added. He took out his wallet, removed a one, and gave it to Lily. "Here you got. A tip for being so precious."

Lily gooed and gahed, and the couple oohed and ahhed.

When they were gone, Johnny looked at Lily. "Well, I'm glad someone around here is -"

An idea struck him like a football to the face, and his eyes widened. Lincoln raised his brow. "Dude, I know that expression. What are you thinking?"

Johnny grinned.

He was thinking of a way to get their yard sale cooking.

And that was how the day's misadventures began. He and Lincoln sat Lily on the table, facing the street, like an item for sale. Everyone who passed stopped to adore her. None of them gave her money, though, which defeated the purpose. Lincoln said they should charge people for looking at her, but Johnny rejected that because it was dumb. Seriously, Linc, grow a brain, I'm tired of doing your thinking for you. "Let me handle this, Lincoln."

When a woman walked by, Johnny called out. "Excuse me, Miss?"

She stopped and turned.

"Hi, I'm sorry to bother you, but we're trying to raise money to get our little sister here..uh…"

What? What were thy trying to get her? Darn it, he should have thought about this beforehand. What could he and Lincoln possibly get for a baby that required them to have a freaking yard sale?

"...food," he said at length.

"Food?" the woman asked, incredulous.

Lincoln cocked his head. "Food?"

"Yeah," Johnny said. "Uh, you see…"

It hit him.

"We're really poor and if we don't sell some of this stuff, she won't have food. Or milk. Or anything."

The woman's features softened. "Oh, I'm sorry."

She dug in her purse, took out a pocket book, and slipped out a twenty. "Give me...just give me that Hulk Hogan action figure."

Wait, what? Twenty dollars...for a single action figure? Look, Johnny had pulled some schemes in his day, and he wasn't above lying or stretching the truth to make some money, but that was insane. He couldn't, in good conscience, accept twenty dollars for a freaking Hulk Hogan action figure.

To make himself feel better, he threw in a dented metal lunchbox with Andre the Giant's mug on the front. As soon as the woman was gone, Lincoln and Johnny looked at each other. "Dude, that was sick," Lincoln said.

"I know," Johnny replied giddily. "And it's all thanks to Lily." He reached out and tickled her, and she laughed. "Who's our little money maker? You're out little money maker. Yes you are."

The next person to come along was a fat man in a business suit. Johnny put on his best puppy dog face and gave him the same sob story he gave the couple, only this time he made sure to sniff, tear up, and reference their parents' "unfortunate accident." The man paid ten bucks for a coffee mug with TNA across the front, and gave Lincoln and Johnny ten dollars a piece "for being good brothers."

The cycle repeated itself a dozen times over the next half hour until Johnny had his story down to a science. His, Lily's, and Lincoln's parents were killed in a horrible accident and they were doing their best to raise her on their own. To his shock, they sold out. He took the money inside, grabbed a bunch more stuff, and came back out.

Lincoln was alone.

Johnny looked around and frowned. "Where's Lily?"

Slowly, Lincoln turned, and the look of horror on his face stopped Johnny dead. "Dude, where the eff is Lily?"

"S-Social Services took her."

Johnny's heart dropped to his feet. "WHAT?"

"A social worker came," Lincoln said, numb with shock, "and said they got a call about an endangered baby, so they...they took her."

Johnny spun on his heels and started to pace. "Oh, God, this can't be happening," he said and raked his hands through his hair. "This can't be happening, this can't be happening…"

Oh, no, oh jeez, this was bad, this was bad.

"We gotta get her back before Mrs. Loud finds out."

"Yeah." Lincoln, "or we can kiss that sixteen bucks goodbye."

Johnny narrowed his eyes. "The money's not important," he snapped. "Come on."

They fetched their bikes from the garage and rode into town. The whole way, Johnny practiced what he was going to say in his head.

The social services office was in the basement of the county courthouse, a big stone building overlooking town square. A bored looking secretary sat at the counter, and when Johnny asked about "a baby they just brought in," she blew a bubble with her gum.

"Have a seat."

Johnny and Lincoln sat in the waiting room. It was a small, drab place with white walls and gray industrial carpet. Posters for abuse hotlines, foster care programs, and government assistance programs stared accusingly down at Johnny, and he fidgeted nervously in his chair. The air grew heavy and hot, and by the time a woman poked her head out of a door leading to the back and called him and Lincoln in, he was sweating bullets.

The woman led to a cramped office. Lily sat on the floor and happily played with a stuffed rabbit. Relief washed over Johnny and his knees buckled. "So," the woman said, "what's this about."

Feeling two inches tall, Johnny told her the truth. "We're just babysitting her. All that stuff we said was a lie to get people to buy our stuff."

Lincoln helpfully held up the diaper bag. "Look, she has food in here. And diapers. And everything else."

"Please, we're really sorry, it was just a prank, bro."

The woman scrunched her lips. "Your parents aren't dead?"

"No," Johnny said, "but please don't call them, they'll be really mad."

The woman hummed. "Well...okay. But I need to see for myself."

She drove Lincoln, Johnny, and Lily back to Lincoln and Johnny's house. "Okay," Johnny said, "watch this."

Lincoln cupped his hands to his mouth. "Yeah, this stuff belongs to our dad. Enjoy."

A moment later, the door burst open and Dad ran out. "MY STUFF!" he wailed.

Mom came after him and held him back. "No, Liz! They're selling my things!" He started to cry and hyperventilate.

The social worker handed Lily to Lincoln. "Alright then. Carry on."

After that, Johnny cleaned the yard sale up and took Lily inside where it was safe. Dad was upstairs curled into a ball and hugging a plastic WCW ring to his chest, so the TV was free. Johnny plopped down in Dad's armchair and heaved a deep sigh. The stress and fear of Lily being taken by a freaking social worker broke over him and he started to laugh. "Dude...we almost screwed up bad."

"I know," Lincoln said. He sat on the couch and put Lily on the floor. She rolled to her hands and knees, crawled over, and pulled herself up on the arm of the chair. Johnny picked her up and sat her on his lap. "You gave us a heck of a scare," he said, "yes you did." Then to Lncoln. "Put on some cartoons or something."

Lincoln grabbed the remote and cycled through the channels until he came to Blarney the Dinosaur. Johnny's gord rose and he threw up in his mouth just a little. "No, man, not this cra -"

Transfixed, Lily stared at the TV, her eyes wide and shimmery.

Ugh.

"Nevermind. Leave it."

Lincoln dropped the remote with a deep sigh and kicked his feet up onto the coffee table. "I hate this show."

"Me too," Johnny said, "but Lily's really into it."

Lucky for Lily and Lily alone, there was an epic Blarney marathon in progress, episode after episode. Finally, Johnny got so bored that he fell asleep, and Lily curled up on his chest, shoved her thumb into her mouth, and closed her eyes. A half hour later, she woke up crying, and Johnny started. "I think she's hungry," he said. "Grab her food from the diaper bag."

Lincoln got a plastic container of banana mush and a pink plastic spoon, came over to the chair,and knelt. He pulled the lid off, dipped the spoon in, and collected a glob of yellow. "Here comes the airplane," he said. He tried to get her to take it, but she turned her head away. "Come on, it's good, look."

He held it to his mouth and smacked his lips, careful not to actually eat any. "Yum yum."

"Dude, she knows you're faking," Johnny said. "Actually try some."

"Man, I don't wanna, it smells gross."

Lily cried harder.

"Okay, okay."

He looked at the spoon, swallowed, and brought it to his lips, taking a teeny tiny bite like Squidward tasting a Krabby Patty.

"Hey," he said, "this is actually pretty good."

He took another bite. Then another.

Johnny squeezed Lily's diaper. Soggy. "She needs a change."

While Lincoln did whatever, Johnny changed Lily, making sure to squeeze lots of powder on her butt so she didn't get a rash or anything. So much came out that it coated his face. "I look like Tony Montana," he said.

He got Lily dressed and then sat down again. "Alright, Linc, come on." He looked over…

...and did a double take.

Lincoln sat on the couch surrounded by empty containers of baby food. A crazy mess of yellow, red, green, and purple covered his mouth and chin.

He burped.

"Dude," Johnny cried, "did you really just eat all of Lily's food?"

"No," Lincoln said guilty, "there's…"

He siftd through the litter.

"Actually, yes, I did."

Lily started to cry.

"Go get some applesauce," Johnny said, disgusted.

Lincoln got up, went into the kitchen, and came back with a jar of applesauce.

Lily's face lit up.

After eating the entire thing, she started to cry again and wouldn't stop. They sang to her, put Blarney back on, rocked her, burped her, and gave her a bottle, but she kept on going. Finally, Lincoln went upstairs and when he came back, he was holding his prized stuffed rabbit Bun-Bun. He held it out, and Lily stopped like throwing a switch. She took it, looked at it, then held it to her chest and let out a stream of babbling babytalk that sounded happy to Johnny.

Whew.

"Dude, you love Bun-Bun," he said.

Lincoln shrugged. "Eh...I guess it's time to pass it on. Lily needs him more than I do."

The little girl clutched Bun-Bun to her chest, shoved her bottle into her mouth, and fell promptly asleep.

She was still asleep and hour later when Mrs. Loud came through the door. "So how was it?" she asked.

"Great," Lincoln said.

"We just stayed here and chilled," Johnny said.

"Thank you boys very much," she said. She handed them their money and picked Lily up. "She ate all of her food."

"Every last bite," Lincoln said.

"Has she pooped?"

Johnny shook his head. "No, why?"

"Because," Mrs. Loud said, digging through the diaper bag, "she even ate the grape laxative. Hm. I guess it's expired."

Lincoln's guts twisted.

Oh no.

"BRB," he said and jumped up.

A moment later, he called out from the second floor hall. "Dang it! I didn't make it!"

Johnny favored Mrs. Loud with a sheepish smile. "Can, you, uh, leave one of those diapers here, please?"

THE END