Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit story for entertainment purposes only. "RWBY" is the property of director and animator Monty Oum (RIP) and production company Rooster Teeth, and "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" is the property of directors Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones (RIP), production company Python (Monty) Pictures Limited, and distributed by EMI Films.
Read and enjoy!
In a village, a group of hooded monks were periodically chanting and smacking themselves on the forehead with wooden planks.
"Blessed lord Monty. Give them rest," the monks chanted between each smack.
A few audience members chuckled at the scene while others winced slightly each time the monks struck themselves.
"Why are they hitting themselves with wooden boards?" Ruby asked with a giggle.
"They're flagellant monks. They practiced self-punishment in the belief that the Brother Gods started the plagues to punish Remnant," Oobleck explained.
"That's a rough lifestyle," Jaune commented.
Nearby, an angry mob of people carrying farm tools were yelling and shoving a pink haired woman dressed as a witch down the street.
"Isn't that Neon from team FNKI?" Yang asked in recognition.
Weiss nodded. "You're right. But why is she dressed like that?"
"Oh no," Oobleck said in a low voice, realizing what was happening.
The mob shouted witch accusations as they dragged Neon along.
"We found a witch!"
"Burn her! Burn her!"
"A witch!"
"Really? A witch?" Velvet said curiously.
"Don't be fooled, students. There's no such thing as a witch," Goodwitch said, the irony not lost on her.
"Ms. Goodwitch is right. Witch hunts were nothing but religious hysteria and fear mongering," Oobleck agreed with his colleague.
Close by, a knight wearing a black, feathered helmet with an oversized visor stood atop a wooden stage. He was holding a doce with a coconut tied to it's leg. He set the dove free as the witch hunting mob approached him.
"Was that a swallow carrying coconut?!" Sun chuckled.
"Actually, I believe it was a dove," Penny said analytically.
"Oh, so doves carry coconuts to Atlas," Neptune deducted, prompting a few laughs from the audience.
Flynt , Kobalt, and Ivori were all part of the mob.
"We found a witch. May we burn her?" Flynt asked Oobleck.
"Burn her!" The crowd chanted loudly.
"Her teammates aren't on friendly terms in this universe," Yang noted with a hint of pity for Neon.
The knight held up a hand to silence the crowd as he opened his helmet visor.
"How do you know she is a witch?" the knight asked skeptically in a familiar voice.
"There you are again, Bart," Port pointed out with a smile.
"Hmmm, I did not expect to be playing a knight," Oobleck said.
"She looks like one!" Flynt reasoned loudly.
"Bring her forward," Oobleck said, beckoning Neon towards him.
Neon wore a seedy witch outfit consisting of a carrot tied around her face to cover her nose, and a black funnel on her head.
"That's a crummy witch outfit," Ruby said.
"They must have dressed her that way," Penny deducted.
"I'm not a witch! I'm not a witch!" Neon denied as she was shoved forward.
"But you are dressed as one," Oobleck retorted.
"They dressed me up like this."
The mob loudly denied Neon's claim.
"And this isn't my nose. It's a false one," Neon added, pointing at her face.
Oobleck carefully lifted the false nose off Neon's face, confirming it was a fake.
"Pretty half-baked witch accusation," Jaune said.
"Most of them were," Pyrrha stated, remembering history class with Dr. Oobleck.
"Unfortunately, common sense was often superseded by fear and superstition back then," Oobleck lamented.
Oobleck sighed and glared at the mob. "Well?"
"Well... we did do the nose," Flynt admitted hesitantly.
"The nose...?" Oobleck prodded.
"And the hat..." Flynt added. "But she is a witch!"
The mob started clamoring again for Neon to be burned.
"They must be falsely accusing her," Glynda said angrily.
"That's true. Most witch accusers were spiteful opportunists who took advantage of the hysteria to eliminate their so-called enemies," Oobleck lectured briefly.
"That's terrible!" Ruby gasped in shock.
"Did you dress her up like this?" Oobleck asked irritably.
Neon nodded while the trio initially shouted in denial.
"Yes..." Kobalt admitted reluctantly.
"Yes. A bit!" Ivori added.
"She has got a wart!" Flynt said pointing.
"They all probably have warts, given the time period," Blake pointed out.
"Indeed. Bathing was a rare luxury in those days, even for the high born," Penny added.
"What makes you think she is a witch?" Oobleck asked dubiously.
"Well, she turned me into a newt!" Kobalt alleged loudly.
Oobleck arched his brow. "A newt?"
There was a long pause as Kobalt shifted awkwardly.
"I got better," Kobalt said meekly.
Most of the audience laughed at Kobalts feeble response.
"Riiiiight" Qrow drawled, taking a sip of whiskey.
"What a lousy liar," Weiss scoffed.
"Burn her anyway!" Kobalt shouted.
"Burn! Burn! Burn!" the crowd shouted.
Behind the crowd, Ironwood and Klein arrived at the village. They watched the scene with curiosity.
"Perhaps I'll put a stop to this nonsense if Oobleck doesn't," Ironwood said hopefully.
"That may be a bad for idea, sir. Defending a so-called witch would arouse suspicion," Winter said cautiously.
"Quiet. Quiet!" Oobleck ordered the mob, calming them into silence. "There are ways of telling whether she is a witch."
"Are there?" Flynt asked. "Well, tell us."
"Tell me, what do you do with witches?" Oobleck started off.
"Burn them!"
"And what do you burn apart from witches?"
"More witches!" Flynt answered hastily.
Kobalt nudged Flynt in annoyance, knowing he was incorrect.
Chuckling echoed through the theater at Flynt's answer.
"Wood," Ivori answered.
"So, why do witches burn?" Oobleck asked.
There was a long pause as the mob tried to come up with an answer. Kobalt scratched his head while Flynt bit his scythe blade.
"Duh! Because they're made of wood," Nora said, seeing where Oobleck was going with this.
"Nora, you know this is all nonsense, right?" Ren said.
"I know. I'm just going with it," Nora giggled.
"Because... they're made out of...wood?" Kobalt answered tentatively.
"Good!" Ren said.
"Oh yeah!" The peasants muttered.
"What kind of logic is that?" Ruby asked in befuddlement.
"Yeah. Pretty much anything can burn," Yang added.
"Grossly flawed medieval logic," Oobleck answered, already dreading how his counterpart would play out.
"So, how do we tell whether she is made of wood?" Oobleck asked.
"Build a bridge out of her?" Flynt suggested with a smile.
"Ah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?"
"Oh, yeah," the peasants conceded.
"Thank Oum. Imagine them trying to actually make a bridge out of her," Blake said with a shudder.
"That would have been more gruesome than what happened to the Black Knight," Weiss added.
"Does wood sink in water?" Oobleck asked.
"No, no. It floats," Kobalt answered.
"Throw her into the pond!" Flynt shouted.
The mob grabbed at Neon but Oobleck stopped them.
Neptune shivered at the thought of being thrown into a pond. Sun patted his partner's shoulder for comfort.
"Where on Remnant is he going with this?" Ironwood asked exasperatingly.
Qrow shrugged. "You're guess is as good as anyone's, Jimmy."
"It's going to be ridiculous, I can tell already," Oobleck feared.
"What else floats in water?" Oobleck asked.
"Bread," Flynt said.
"Apples," Ivori said.
"That's true," Ren conceded.
"Just wait for it," Qrow said, expecting more idiocy from the mob.
"Very small rocks," Kobalt said, holding his thumb and forefinger apart.
"Huh? Those wouldn't float," Pyrrha said.
"And there it is," Qrow sighed, not at all surprised.
"Cider!"
"Gravy!"
"Mud!"
"Oh, come on," Blake groaned in frustration.
"I don't mean to sound classist, but those peasants are complete idiots," Weiss said.
"Churches!" Kobalt shouted, very confident in his guess.
There was another round of laughter from the audience.
"Churches?!" Jaune said incredulously as he recovered from laughing.
"You're right, Weiss. Those guys are idiots," Velvet giggled.
Weiss and Glynda both facepalmed at the stupidity of the peasants, even as they grinned in amusement.
"A duck!" Ironwood called out.
Everyone gasped and turned to Ironwood.
"Exactly!" Oobleck confirmed, impressed by Ironwood's knowledge.
"How would you know the answer?" Winter asked her superior.
Ironwood just shrugged. "I have no idea."
"And why just a duck? Many species of Atlesian birds float in water. Geese, swans, herons," Penny informed.
"So, logically?" Oobleck prodded
"If she... weighs the same... as a duck...she's made of wood," Flynt deduced slowly.
"And therefore?" Oobleck said.
There was another long pause.
"A witch!" the crowd burst out.
Oobleck was flabbergasted. "That's...the most absurd thing I've ever heard!"
Port chuckled with a nod. "It's historically accurate to the 'floating witches,' reasoning of the dark ages."
"Indeed, but this is far more ridiculous," Glynda added, sipping a glass of wine.
"We shall use my largest scales," Oobleck said as he hopped down from the stage.
Ren led the mob to a large and peculiar looking medieval scale with two large pans supported by logs. Neon was placed on one pan, and a duck in the other by Kobalt.
"Remove the supports!" Ren ordered.
Flynt and Ivori used large mallets to knock away the logs supporting the pans. The scale teetered for a few moments before evening out. Somehow, Neon and the duck weighed the same.
"A witch!" the crowd hollered.
"It's a fair cop," Neon said resignedly.
Everyone was bewildered that the test was successful.
"I can't believe it," Ren muttered.
"Wait...so that means she is a witch?" Ruby asked, confused.
Oobleck shook his head. "Not necessarily, Ms. Rose. She could simply be sarcastic and resigned to her fate."
"He's right. There's no point in arguing with a superstitious mob," Blake said, eating sardines from a can.
As the mob dragged Neon away to be burned at the stake, Oobleck approached Ironwood.
"Who are you, who are so wise in the ways of science?" Oobleck asked admiringly.
"You call that science?" Oobleck scoffed.
"Perhaps I'll finally have a knight join me. albeit, one with skewed logic," Ironwood said.
"I'm James, king of Atlas," Ironwood introduced himself.
Oobleck knelt. "My liege!"
"Good sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot and join us at the round table?" Ironwood offered.
"My liege, I would be honored!"
"Finally, some recognition," Ironwood said with relief.
"By someone with the zaniest sense of logic in Atlas," Qrow countered with a chuckle.
"At least he's finally recruited someone," Winter defended her commander.
Ironwood drew Excalibur. "What is your name?"
"Bartholomew, my liege."
"Then I dub you Sir Bartholomew, knight of the round table," Ironwood accoladed Oobleck with his sword.
Cut to an illustration of the film. 'The Book of the Film' was printed on the left page, and a photograph of Ironwood knighting Ren was posted on the right.
"The wise Bartholomew was the first to join King James' knights."
"No offense, Bart. But I'd hardly call your counterpart wise," Ironwood said.
"None taken, general. He's almost as mad as the Black Knight," Oobleck replied.
"But other illustrious names were soon to follow."
A human hand reached over and turned to the next page, revealing a photo of brown haired knight wearing surcoat with a blue sigil.
"Sir Ozma, the brave."
Ozpin nearly spat out his coffee in shock. Glynda and Ironwood were equally stunned. All of they're eyes widened at the screen.
"Ozma?" several oblivious audience members said.
"Is he related to you professor Ozpin?" Ruby asked, noticing the similarities.
Ozpin paused for a moment. "Yes. He's my nephew," he answered insincerely.
"Huh. I never knew you had a nephew," Port said in surprise.
Oobleck sipped his coffee with a hint of suspicion on his face towards Ozpin.
On the next page was Neptune wearing a surcoat with a red sigil.
"Sir Neptune, the pure."
"I wouldn't quite call you pure," Weiss said bluntly.
"What's that supposed to mean?" Neptune asked defensively.
"Cough womanizing cough," Sun fake coughed with a toothy grin.
"Hey!" Neptune snapped at his partner.
The next page showed a nervous looking Leonardo Lionheart dressed in a surcoat with a green sigil.
"Sir Leonardo, the not quite so brave as Sir Ozma."
"Oh, Leonardo's here again," Ozpin pointed out.
"That title isn't very impressive, though," Glynda said with a frown.
The next page showed a closeup of Leonardo's frightened face.
"Who had nearly fought the Dragon of Solitas."
The next page showed Leonardo cowering behind a shield with a chicken painted on it.
"Who had nearly stood up to to the vicious Chicken of Mantle."
Much of the audience laughed at the mention of Lionheart cowering before a chicken.
"What kind of knight would be frightened of a chicken?" Weiss giggled.
"He even has one painted on his shield," Winter pointed out with a smile.
The next page showed Leonardo cowering again.
"And who had personally wet himself at the Battle of Frost Hill."
Everyone laughed uproariously at Lionhearts last humiliation. Even Ozpin snickered reluctantly at Lionheart.
"Why would Ironwood ever recruit someone like that?" Yang asked as she panted from laughing so hard.
"As a meat shield, perhaps?" Qrow guessed.
"Or purely for entertainment," Ruby giggled.
"And the aptly named Sir Not-appearing-in-this-film."
The next page showed a smiling, dark-skinned toddler wearing a little suit of armor and holding a wooden sword.
"Awwwww!" the entire female audience cooed at the adorable toddler.
"Hey, that's my nephew, Adrien," Jaune identified the toddler with a smile.
"You have a nephew?!" Pyrrha asked with surprise.
"D'awww! He's such a cutie!" Ruby gushed.
The next page showed Ironwood, his knights, and their respective pages.
"Together they formed band whose names and deeds were to be retold throughout the centuries: The Knights of the Round Table"
A gorilla's hand snatched away the human hand.
"What was that?" Sun questioned.
"It looked like a gorilla's hand to me," Penny answered correctly.
Cut to Ironwood and his knights "riding" while each Knight's page trailed behind mimicking hoofbeats and carrying heavy loads on their backs.
"Why don't any of them have horses?" Velvet wondered.
"Low budget, maybe?" Nora said with a shrug.
Ren turned quizzically to his partner. "What are you talking about, Nora?"
Nora giggled. "Nevermind."
"And that, my liege, is how we know the earth to be banana shaped," Oobleck lectured Ironwood on "science".
Oobleck cocked his brow. "How did he come up with that nonsense?"
"I wouldn't mind if it was true," Sun said, coincidentally eating a banana.
"Ironwood was right. This version of you has a very... questionable sense of logic," Glynda said, trying to be polite to Bartholomew.
Oobleck sighed and sipped his coffee.
"This new learning amazes me, Sir Bartholomew," Ironwood praised. "Explain again how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes."
"Oh, certainly, sir," Oobleck replied.
Oobleck rolled his eyes behind his glasses. "Oh, please..."
"Ugh! Sheep's bladder?!" Coco gagged.
"That's nasty!" Velvet added.
"Look, my liege!" Ozma called, pointing at something offscreen.
Cut to a view of Camelot castle sitting on a hill accompanied by a majestic fanfare.
"Camelot, I assume," Ironwood guessed.
"Hmmm, it looks kind sketchy of to me," Blake said, narrowing her eyes at the screen.
"I agree with Blake," Penny said, having visual enhancers built into her eyes.
"What do you guys mean?" Ruby asked.
"Camelot!" Ironwood, Neptune, and Ozma all said in awe.
"It's only a model," Klein said dismissively.
"Shh!" Ironwood sharply shushed Klein.
"That's what I meant" Blake answered Ruby. "It looked fake to me."
"Good eye, kitty," Yang complimented her partner.
"Way to break the fourth wall, Klein," Weiss giggled.
"Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home," Ironwood announced to his company. "Let us ride to Camelot!"
Cut to Camelot's interior. A group of knights performed a song and dance routine complete with festive medieval music. One group of helmeted knights danced atop a table while another group sang the lyrics.
"We're Knights of the Round Table.
We dance whene'er we're able.
We do routines and chorus scenes With footwork impeccable.
We dine well here in Camelot. We eat ham and jam and spam a lot."
Everyone's jaws dropped at the sheer goofiness of the musical. A few burst out laughing right away while others couldn't resist bobbing their heads to the catchy music.
"What. the hell. is this?" Qrow punctuated, completely dumbstruck.
"I don't know, but it's hysterical!" Yang said in between laughs.
"I love it!" Nora said while jumping gleefully in her seat.
"Me too!" Ruby said, also bobbing up and down to the beat.
The knights danced while a nearby band played music. The helmeted knights absent-mindedly kicked a passing servant carrying a stack of plates, knocking him to the floor.
"We're Knights of the Round Table.
Our shows are formidable."
The helmeted knights began doing the can-can dance.
Yang blinked. "Huh?"
"Table and formidable don't rhyme, do they?" Velvet asked.
"Barely. And they don't make good lyrics," Weiss said, being an experienced singer herself.
"But many times we're given rhymes
That are quite unsingable.
We're opera mad in Camelot.
We sing from the diaphragm a l-o-o-o-o-t."
The knights lined danced along two interconnecting tables, knocking over plates and other objects as they went.
By this point, everyone was laughing at the scene or at least grinning.
"This is the fortress of the King of Atlas?" Ironwood asked in bafflement, but he couldn't hide a half-smile.
Brief cut to a ragged prisoner hanging by his arms by chains in the dungeon. The muffled music could be heard above as he clapped to it.
"Well, that's dark," Ren said.
"Darkly humorous," Coco tittered.
"At least he's enjoying the musical," Neptune said, looking on the bright side.
Back in the hall, the line of knights jumped up and down on the table until it collapsed under their weight. Unfettered, the knights continued. They began tap dancing.
A servant used a quartet of helmeted knights as a drum set and a pair of maces as drumsticks. He accidentally hit another servant on the head, knocking him out cold.
"Ouch! That's gotta hurt," Jaune remarked.
"Those servants have a rough time at Camelot," Port said sympathetically.
A line of knights line danced down a hallway.
"In war we're tough and able."
One of the nights stepped on a black cat, causing it to yowl in pain.
"Really?!" Blake shouted in outrage.
Yang patted Blake on the back for comfort.
Ruby, Weiss, and Sun gave Blake sympathetic looks.
"Quite indefatigable
Between our quests we sequin vests And impersonate Clark Gable
It's a busy life in Camelot"
The music came to a sudden stop as a single knight sang a bass solo.
"I have to push the pram a lo-o-o-o-o-t!"
"Nice set of pipes," Pyrrha complimented.
"They may be of questionable competence, but at least they can sing well," Glynda admitted.
"They'd probably be more successful as entertainers instead of knights," Port suggested.
Cut back to Ironwood and company outside Camelot. Ironwood now looked looked hesitant.
"No, on second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place," Ironwood said.
"Right," the knights chorused in agreement.
The party turned about and 'rode' off.
"Said the guys pretending to ride horses," Qrow chuckled with a roll of his eyes.
"It looks like Camelot is out of the picture," Ren declared.
"So what are they going to do now?" Jaune wondered aloud, eating a handful of popcorn.
The Atlesians "rode along". A loud clap of thunder boomed above them.
"James..." a deep, vibrant voice echoed from above.
The Atlesians stopped in their tracks and gazed up at the sky in awe.
Looking down from a hole in the heavens was a giant golden humanoid with a crown of deer antlers protruding from his head. He glowed with a bright aura as a soft, angelic chorus echoed from his very presence.
"James...King of Atlas," the God of Light addressed Ironwood, his voice reverberating.
Everyone was mesmerized by the sight of one of the Brother Gods. Even moreso than Glynda's counterpart earlier.
"Is that who I think it is?" Velvet whispered.
"Yes, it is," Coco confirmed, lowering her shades.
"Such divine presence" Glynda muttered.
"The God of Light himself is speaking to me," Ironwood said in amazement.
Ironwood and company immediately prostrated themselves before the God of Light.
"Oh, don't grovel!" the God of Light groused. "One thing I can't stand it's people groveling."
Ironwood and company rose back to their feet.
"Sorry," Ironwood apologized.
"And don't apologize!" the God of Light added. "Every time I try to talk to someone it's sorry this, and forgive me that, and I'm not worthy!"
"I feel his pain. I don't want to be worshipped or put on a pedestal," Pyrrha lamented with a downcast expression.
Ozpin felt a twinge of guilt from Pyrrha's words. He discreetly lowered his gaze in remorse from placing the burden of the Fall Maiden on the Mistral champion, even if he felt it was necessary.
The Atlesians withheld their gazes from the Brother God.
"What are you doing now?" the God of Light asked.
"I'm averting my eyes, o lord," Ironwood replied.
"Why would they avert their eyes?" Ruby asked, eating from a cup of strawberries.
"Same reason as groveling and apologizing. In the dark ages, many people regarded the brother gods with both respect and fear," Ozpin answered.
"He just wants to be treated like one of the guys," Neptune noted.
"Well, don't. It's like those miserable psalms they're so depressing," The God of Light said, rolling his eyes. "Now knock it off!"
"Yes lord," Ironwood said.
"Right! James, king of Atlas. Your knights of the round table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times."
"Good idea, o lord," Ironwood said obsequiously.
"Of course it's a good idea!" the God of Light shouted.
"So, he's fine with having his ass kissed?" Qrow chuckled.
Velvet giggled. "I guess there's a limit to being 'just being one of the guys',"
"Well he is a god," Port reminded.
"Behold, James," The God of Light announced.
The God of Light faded out and was replaced by a beautiful golden grail with religious engravings. It's divine light shined as bright as the God of Light himself.
"This is the holy grail. Look well, James, for it is your sacred task to seek this Grail."
The audience was as captivated by the grail as they were by the God of Light himself.
"So that's the Holy Grail," Ozpin said, reminded of the relics created by the Brother Gods.
"It certainly looks like a valuable artifact," Oobleck remarked.
"But why task Ironwood with retrieving it? What is it's importance?" Jaune wondered aloud.
"I suppose we'll find out," Ren answered.
The knights all gazed in awe and wonder at the Holy Grail.
The grail faded and the God of Light reappeared.
"That is your purpose James: the Quest for the Holy Grail."
The angelic chorus faded as a pair of cloudy curtains closed on the God of Light.
"Now the main plot has been kicked off," Ozpin stated.
"I'm not sure Jimmy can pull it off with Oobleck and Lionheart within his ranks," Qrow doubted.
"Excuse me?!" Oobleck said, affronted.
"Easy, doc. I was talking about your counterpart," Qrow assured with his hands raised.
"A blessing! A blessing from the God of Light!" Ozma said elatedly.
"Praise be to him!" Neptune added.
Cut to an animated intermission consisting of strange and bulbous cutouts. A line of giant buisine horns tilted upwards to blare a majestic fanfare at the sky. From the sky above, more horns poked out of the clouds, the sheer force of their blowing a shepherd off a nearby hill.
Everyone was taken aback by the bizarre looking animation.
"Now what is this?" Winter asked.
"Very creepy animation," Nora answered bluntly.
"It looks like artwork from the dark ages," Oobleck noted from similar looking drawings he'd seen in history books.
Next, there was a line of men blowing buisine horns with their buttocks.
Everyone grimaced at the crude scene.
"Are they...?!" Jaune said, unable to finish his sentence out of sheer disgust.
"Ew!" Ruby, Coco and Weiss exclaimed.
Glynda scoffed. "My dust! That's disgusting!"
A group of angels flew upwards past the horn blowers whilst carrying people in baskets. A drawing of the God of Light appeared while a stroke of yellow paint stroked vertically behind him until it swept past and covered the screen.
Next, was a tower of angels played buisine horns side by side.
Finally, a pair of angels used cranks to lift a sign that read "The Quest for the Holy Grail"
"And so it begins," Ironwood announced, hoping his counterpart would succeed in his quest.
Cut to Ironwood and his knights "riding" through the Atlesian countryside. They passed a river where a peasant was fishing. Eventually, they emerged from a forest and stopped at the foot of a large castle with high walls.
"What are they doing now?" Ruby wondered.
"Probably seeking more recruits or advice for their quest," Penny guessed.
Klein raised a buisine horn and blew a deep, sour note to announce Ironwoods arrival.
"Hello," Ironwood called up to the castle walls.
There was no answer.
"Maybe it's abandoned like that last castle," Nora presumed, eating a slice of pancake.
"Hello!" Ironwood called again, louder.
A helmeted man with a black, imperial mustache peaked over the parapet overlooking the Atlesians.
"Hello. Who is it?" The man said in a strange accent but a familiar voice as well
"Wait...is that?" Ironwood muttered in recognition before sighing.
"Oh, please no," Winter groaned.
"Please yes!" Qrow chuckled.
"I am King James and these are my knights of the round table," Ironwood introduced. "Whose castle is this?"
"This is the castle of my master Guy de Loimbard," Qrow answered.
Qrow blinked. "What's with that weird accent?"
Yang shrugged. "I guess that's just how you sound in this universe."
"Go and tell your master that we have been charged by the god of light with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night, he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
"Well, I'll ask him, but I don't think he'll be very keen," Qrow replied. "He's already got one, you see?"
"What?" Ironwood said flatly.
"He better be kidding," Winter said angrily.
The Atlesian knights were dumbstruck.
Ironwood blinked in surprise. "What?"
"He says they've already got one!" Sun reiterated.
"Are you sure he's got one?" Ironwood asked skeptically.
Qrow nodded. "Oh, yes. It's very nice."
"I don't actually believe him, do I?" Ironwood said with outrage.
Up on the battlements, a trio of Valean soldiers hid behind the parapet next to Qrow. They were wearing armor similar to his.
"I told him we've already got one," Qrow whispered to his comrades.
The other guards covered their mouths as they snickered at Qrows antics
A few audience members snickered as well, especially Qrow. Ironwood bristled with irritation.
"I knew it. They're trolling them," Neptune said with a smirk.
"Oooh, this is gonna be good," Qrow said delightedly.
"Well err... can we come up and have a look?" Ironwood asked awkwardly.
"Of course not!" Qrow refused. "You are Atlas types!"
Ironwood paused in confusion. "Well, what are you then?!"
"I'm Mistrali! Why do you think I have this outrageous accent you silly king?"
"Mistrali don't have accents like that," Sun said.
"Yeah. I don't sound anything like that," Ren added, slightly offended.
"Don't forget this is an alternate universe. In this reality, this is just how they sound," Pyrrha reminded.
"He's right, though. He does sound ridiculous," Winter said, grinning at Qrow.
"What are you doing in Atlas?" Neptune asked.
"Mind your own business!" Qrow snapped.
"If you will not show us the grail, we shall take your castle by force!" Ironwood threatened.
Qrow scoffed. "Oh, sure. He's gonna storm a large castle with four knights," he said sarcastically.
"They'd need an entire army to pull that off," Jaune commented.
"They don't even have ladders to scale the walls," Pyrrha added as she sipped a glass of water.
"You don't frighten us, Atlesian pig-dogs!" Qrow brushed off. "Go and boil your bottoms, sons of a silly person! I blow my nose at you so-called James King! You all your silly Atlesian k-nnnnni-gits!"
Ironwood's party watched with shock as Qrow blew raspberries at the Atlesians while tapping the top of his helmet.
Qrow's taunting elicited chuckles and snickers from the audience.
Ironwood gripped his armrests with a scowl.
"Insolent bastard!" Winter snarled.
"Oh, lighten up, ice queen," Qrow brushed off.
"What a strange person," Neptune remarked.
Ironwood was losing his patience. "Now look here, my good man-"
"I don't want to talk to you no more!" Qrow cut Ironwood off. "You empty-headed animal food trough wiper! I fart in your general direction!"
Most of the audience burst out laughing at Qrows last taunt, especially Qrow and Yang. The rest were simply disgusted.
"Yang, if I ever hear you use that taunt," Weiss warned sternly.
Yang just pouted at the heiress.
"He wouldn't be so cheeky if he wasn't hiding atop that high wall like a coward," Winter sneered.
"Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!" Qrow finished.
There was another round of laughter.
"Hamsters? Elderberries?" Ruby said in puzzlement.
"Elderberries were used to brew cheap, low quality wine in the dark ages, and female hamsters are renowned for being sexually aggressive," Ozpin explained, trying to hide his amusement.
"In other words, he's saying Jimmy's mother is a whore and his father is a drunk," Qrow chortled, loving his counterpart already.
"Like you're one to talk," Winter sneered.
"Is there someone else up there that we could talk to?" Neptune requested.
"No! Now go away, or I shall taunt you a second time!" Qrow warned.
"I've been more than reasonable..."Ironwood droned on.
"Fetch the cow!" Qrow ordered his goons.
Down in the castles interior, the Mistrali retrieved a brown cow from a stable.
"What's with the cow?" Velvet wondered.
"I have a feeling it's going to be good," Qrow said as he ate some popcorn.
"If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall-" Ironwood went on.
Suddenly, with a loud twang, the cow was launched by a catapult over the castle walls while still alive.
"Sweet Monty!" Ironwood cried out.
The knights scattered as the bellowing bovine fell towards them. It landed atop Neptune's page, knocking him to the ground.
"Talk about having a cow," Yang giggled.
Groans we're heard throughout the theater.
Up above, Qrow giddily clapped his hands on the parapet.
"Right!" Ironwood said as he angrily drew Excalibur.
"Charge!" Ironwood ordered.
The knights drew their swords and charged the castle walls.
Ironwood shook his head. "What is my counterpart doing? I'd never try an imbecilic move like that."
"They'd be better off trying to sneak inside," Winter suggested.
The Atlesians futilely struck the castle walls with their swords. Up above, the Mistrali threw live animals at their attackers.
"And this one is for your mother!" Qrow shouted as he tossed a cat.
Blake was aghast. "What is it with this universe and cat abuse?!"
"Why are they even throwing animals at all?" Velvet added in an appalled tone.
"Catapulting real animals was a legitimate strategy in siege warfare, but they were often dead animals to spread disease, not live ones," Ozpin explained.
"They're lucky the Mistrali have no bows," Sun remarked.
It wasn't long before Ironwood and his knights gave up.
"Run away!" Ironwood cried.
"Run away!" The knights chorused.
The Atlesians fled to a nearby narrow ditch while Qrow blew another raspberry and shushed them away.
"Fiends! I'll tear them apart!" Ozma snarled.
"No, no!" Ironwood said, holding Ozma back.
"I have a plan," Oobleck stated.
"I hope it's a good one," Oobleck said
Later that day, Qrow stood guard atop the battlements watching over the quiet field. A feint sound broke the silence. Qrow leaned forward in puzzlement.
"What's that?" Ruby asked, putting a hand to her ear.
"It sounds like a saw," Blake identified with her strong sense of hearing.
"They must be building something," Penny guessed correctly.
Wherever the noise was coming from, he couldn't see it. It seemed to be coming from the surrounding forest. Next there was a crashing sound, and a cat screeching.
Blake exasperatingly pinched the bridge of her nose. She was getting sick of all the cat abuse in the film.
Qrow put a hand to his ear as a mechanical drill and saw joined in on the carpentry sounds echoing from the woods. He nervously tapped his hand on the parapet as he scanned the treeline.
"Those sound like modern mechanical tools," Oobleck said quizzically.
Weiss cocked her brow. "In the dark ages?"
"It's for comedic effect," Yang justified as she sipped a soda.
Next, there was a distinctive squeaking sound. Qrow put a hand to his ear again as the squeaking grew steadily louder. As if something big was approaching the castle.
There was a brief shot of a large wooden wheel plowing through the underbrush of the forest.
"Oooh, looks like they've built their own catapult!" Nora said excitedly.
"You're in for it now, Qrow," Winter said smugly, expecting Ironwoods knights to knock the Mistrali castle walls down.
Qrow was unworried. "We'll see about that."
"We've gotta keep these two separated," Ruby whispered to Weiss, the latter nodding in agreement.
Finally, Qrow recoiled as a huge, twenty-foot tall wooden rabbit emerged from the forest as Klein and the other servants pushed it towards the Mistrali castle.
Qrow tapped the top of his helmet in amazement at the sight.
"Wow," several audience members said in equal amazement.
"They certainly built that quickly," Penny remarked in an impressed tone.
"That...is not what I was expecting," Sun said in a surprised tone.
"I don't think anybody was, bro," Neptune said.
From the ditch, Ironwood and his knights watched from afar as their servants left the rabbit parked just outside the castle gates then ran off.
The castles front gate opened. Qrow peered out cautiously. The coast looked clear.
"It looks clear. Let's go," Qrow whispered to his comrades.
The Mistrali soldiers exited the castle, got behind the rabbit and slowly pushed it inside.
"So...what's the meaning of that?" Glynda asked aloud in confusion.
"Perhaps somebody is hiding inside?" Winter guessed, then grinned believing the Atlesians were trying to sneak in as she suggested earlier.
"But all the knights are outside, aren't they?" Ruby pointed out.
As the Mistrali shut the gate behind them, the huddled Atlesians watched eagerly from the ditch.
"What happens now?" Ironwood asked Oobleck excitedly.
"Well, now Ozma, Neptune, and I wait until nightfall. And then leap out of the rabbit taking the Mistrali by surprise."
The other knights frowned as they realized the obvious flaw in Oobleck's plan.
There was an awkward pause throughout the theater before most of the audience laughed.
"Oh my Oum," Neptune said, shaking his head.
"Epic fail!" Yang shouted in between laughs.
"Well done, Bart. Brilliant plan," Port deadpanned with a sip of diet soda.
Oobleck groaned and hung his head in shame towards his scatterbrained counterpart. Winter and Ironwood closed their eyes in silent exasperation.
"And not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!" Oobleck finished narrating his plan.
"...Who leaps out?" Ironwood asked, hoping he misheard Oobleck.
"Ozma, Neptune, and I, leap out of the rabbit and-"Oobleck began before realizing his mistake.
Ironwood and Ozma facepalmed at Ooblecks stupidity.
"Wah, wah, wah!" Nora mimicked a trombone, eliciting more laughter.
"You were saying?" Qrow asked Winter with a cheeky grin.
"Oh, shut up," Winter grumbled, taking an angry sip of tea.
"Well...look, if we were to build a large wooden badger-" Oobleck suggested another plan.
Ironwood cut Oobleck off with a smack to the head.
Then, with another loud twang, the wooden rabbit came sailing over the Mistrali battlements.
"Wow! That's a powerful catapult!" Nora commented, wishing she had one.
"It looks like the plan wouldn't have worked anyway," Ren said.
"Run away!" The knights screamed in terror.
The Atlesian knights fled for their lives while Neptune's page, now heavily bandaged, looked up just in time to see the wooden rabbit descending right above him. With a mighty crash, the wooden rabbit landed on the page and shattered to pieces. Qrow and his troops laughed offscreen.
"Well, that didn't go well at all," Penny sadly concluded.
"Nope!" Qrow said with a 'pop' of the 'p' while grinning at Ironwood.
"Don't push me, you drunk!" Ironwood warned.
Review Responses
SilentKnight: I gave your idea a lot of thought and decided it was excellent. Thank you so much for the suggestion. Though I'm not 100% sure who was in and out of the loop in regards to Ozpin's secret. If possible, let me know and I'll fix any dialogue in the story.
Author's Note: Sorry for the delay. I've been preoccupied with my job and grad school. Plus, this chapter took a while to write because of difficulties choosing which characters to play. Originally, I was going to have Jaune play Lancelot, Ren play Bedivere, Sun play Galahad, Neptune play Robin, etc.
I'll try to update every week. I'll also be re-posting a fixed up and slightly modified version of the first chapter tomorrow and continue with the others. Finally, I'll be publishing this fic on AOOO tomorrow as well. Check it out and stay tuned my loyal readers.