Author's Note: I have all but decided the next film to be adapted due to the overwhelming number of votes it has received. I won't reveal it in my authors notes, but I'm giving until 'Monty Python Chapter 5' until I shut down the poll. In the meantime, keep those votes coming, people!
Review Responses
LordDeraxus: Thank you so much. I agree that while Jaune is a complex and remarkable character, it's rather dull to see him as the main character in every adaptation. I can probably keep this up for at least another year. It depends on how my schedule turns out.
Dungeon Wyrm: Thank you for the advice. I used Elm, Dee, and Dudley as you suggested. I had already chosen Jacques and Whitley for their respective roles beforehand, though.
aceman88: My bad. I fixed it after you pointed it out for me.
LordofFlames: LMAO. You're right. Thanks for the idea.
Disclaimer: The following is a non-profit story for entertainment purposes only. "RWBY" is the property of director and animator Monty Oum (RIP) and production company Rooster Teeth, and "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" is the property of directors Terry Gilliam and Terry Jones (RIP), production company Python (Monty) Pictures Limited, and distributed by EMI Films.
Back at the old castle, a pair of modern Atlesian police officers were questioning Sleet's wife while her husband lay dead on the ground.
"This again?" Winter said curiously.
"It's like the dark ages story is integrated into the modern era," Oobleck pointed out.
"Do you think the police will catch that knight?" Ruby asked.
"We'll see, sis," Yang answered, sipping a soda.
Cut to another animated intermission. Inside a cathedral tower, a scribe was finishing up writing "The Tale of Sir Ozma" in a book.
"Ugh. Another one?" Nora groaned, hoping this animation wouldn't be gross.
Suddenly there was a resounding boom. The scribe yelped in surprise as the vibration shook his hand and quill pen so much, it scribbled all over the page.
"Hmph!" the scribe huffed.
"What was that?" Blake asked aloud.
"An earthquake, perhaps," Ren theorized.
Another loud boom shook the tower. The annoyed scribe left his seat and entered the tower's tall stairwell. He descended, climbing flight after flight of stairs, grumbling as he went. The booming continued to shake the tower.
"That's a long way down," Ruby commented, eating some strawberries.
"Too bad there were no elevators back then," Port said, imagining the hassle of climbing so many stairs.
One boom caused the scribe to trip and crash into something off camera. He finally reached the bottom of the tower and stormed across the floor towards the exit.
"I don't think it's an earthquake," Penny observed as she listened carefully. "The vibrations sound rhythmic. Kind of like footsteps."
"Footsteps? Maybe it's a giant or some other kind of monster," Port guessed, then smiled pridefully. "It reminds me of this one adventure I had when I-"
"Peter. Save it for your lectures," Oobleck cut off his colleague, prompting Port to grumble.
Outside the cathedral in a vast hilly field, the sun and clouds were all together. They had giant muscular legs sticking out of them and were jumping up and down, shaking the ground with each massive landing.
"Hey-yup!" the sun shouted repeatedly in a vigorous voice.
The clouds obediently jumped in response to the Sun's shouting.
"What the...?" Qrow said, before chuckling.
"Not the kind of giants I was expecting," Port said.
"These animations are weird," Jaune commented with grin.
Nora laughed. "Yeah, but this one's way funnier than the last two," she said.
The irritated scribe, who was tiny in comparison to the sun and clouds, exited the cathedral.
"Stop that! Stop that! Stop that!" the scribe angrily ordered.
The sun and clouds stopped leaping.
"Go on! Clear off!" the scribe shooed. "Go on! Go Away! Go away!"
The clouds timidly walked off, but the sun stayed behind.
"And you! Clear off!"
Finally, the sun wandered off, setting behind a hill. Darkness fell.
"Hmph! Bloody weather," the scribe muttered.
"That guy had a lot of guts ordering them around like that," Sun said.
"Yeah. They could have squashed him like a bug if they wanted to," Coco added.
Back inside his tower, the undisturbed scribe finished his writing.
"The Tale of Sir Ozma," the narrator said.
Ozpin scratched his chin, curious how his past incarnation would play out.
Cut to the exterior of a large castle with multiple towers and high walls in a swamp.
Inside the tall tower of the castle was a mustached, middle-aged man with white hair and wearing a thick fur cloak. Standing beside him was a young man with similar hair and wearing a white long-sleeved shirt and a golden circlet around his head. They both stood peering out of a window.
"Father?" Weiss and Winter said together in surprise before scowling at the screen.
Ironwood narrowed his eyes at the sight of the Schnee patriarch.
"Oh, so that's your old man?" Yang said, noticing the family resemblance.
"And your brother is there too," Ruby pointed out.
"One day, lad, all this will be yours!" Jacques declared, gesturing out the window.
"What, the curtains?" Whitley asked in a high-pitched voice.
Jacques gave Whitley a dope slap. "No! Not the curtains, lad!"
Several audience members laughed. Weiss and Winter couldn't resist snickering.
"All that you can see, stretched out over the hills and valleys of this land! This'll be your kingdom, lad," Jacques explained.
"But Mother-" Whitley complained.
"Father, lad. Father," Jacques corrected.
Yang, Nora, Coco, and Qrow laughed.
"But Father, I don't want any of that," Whitley said.
"Listen, lad. I built this kingdom up from nothing," Jacques lectured as he paced back and forth. "When I started here, all there was swamp. Other kings said I was daft to build a castle on a swamp, but I built it all the same, just to show 'em. It sank into the swamp. So, I built a second one. That sank into the swamp. So, I built a third one. That burned down, fell over, then sank into the swamp, but the fourth one... stayed up! And that's what you're gonna get, lad: the strongest castle in this land."
"Wow. That's actually impressive," Velvet complimented.
"Say what you want about him, but he is determined," Qrow admitted.
"Or just foolish for building a castle in a swamp, like the other kings said," Weiss countered.
"But I don't want any of that. I'd rather-" Whitley began.
"Rather what?!" Jacques asked impatiently.
Whitley put a hand to his chest. "I'd rather...just... sing!" he declared.
"Oh, come on. Not another musical," Qrow groaned
Soft, opera music began to play, but Jacques jumped in front of the camera, waving his hands.
"Stop that! Stop that! You're not going into a song while I'm here."
"Thank Oum. I usually don't like musicals," Qrow said with relief.
"What about Camelot?" Ruby asked her uncle.
"I said usually," Qrow repeated.
The music faded away while Jacques seized Whitley by the arm.
"Now listen, lad," Jacques said sternly. "In twenty minutes, you're getting married to a girl whose father owns the biggest tracts of open land in Atlas."
"So, he's being forced to marry against his will," Glynda deduced.
"It reminds me of the sleazy suitors father tried to saddle me with," Weiss remembered sadly.
"Me too. All of them were just parasitic gold-diggers, like him," Winter added.
"But I don't want land," Whitley whined.
Jacques grabbed Whitley's other arm. "Listen, Alice,-"
"Whitley," the prince corrected.
Penny blinked. "Alice? Where's he getting that from?" she wondered.
"It's because Whitley is girly looking," Ruby explained with a giggle.
"Whitley, we live in a bloody swamp! We need all the land we can get!" Jacques said as he released Whitley.
"But- but I don't like her," Whitley protested.
"Don't like her?! What's wrong with her?!" Jacques asked incredulously, slapping Whitley on the arm. "She's beautiful. She's rich. She's got huge... tracts of land!"
Jacques made a grabbing gesture at chest level at the last detail.
"He's got a good point," Yang said, giving her 'girls' a brief glance of pride.
"Sis!" Ruby chided.
Weiss scoffed. "Of course you would say that."
"I know, but I want the- the girl that I marry to have..." Whitley said slowly.
The music started up again.
"A certain... special... something!" Whitley gestured majestically as he prepared to sing again.
"Cut that out! Cut that out!" Jacques interrupted.
Coco giggled at Jacques interruption. "He really doesn't like singing, does he?"
"He's probably one of those hyper masculine fathers who thinks singing is only for girls," Jaune assumed.
As the music faded away, Jacques roughly grabbed Whitley by the front of his shirt.
"Look, you're marrying Princess Lucky, so you'd better get used to the idea!" Jacques declared.
Jacques gave Whitley a smack across the face to emphasize his point.
Weiss and Winter glared at the screen in mild sympathy for Whitley. They were reminded of their father's past abuse towards them.
"What a jerk!" Ruby hissed.
"You said it, Ruby," Velvet agreed.
"Guards!" Jacques called.
Two guards, Dudley and Dee, entered the room. They had wedding decorations on their spears and helmets.
"Make sure the prince doesn't leave this room until I come and get him," Jacques ordered as he began to leave.
"Not to leave the room even if you come and get him," Dee failed to reiterate.
"Hic!" Dudley hiccupped.
Jacques stopped at the door. "No, no. Until I come and get him," he corrected.
"Until you come and get him, we're not to enter the room," Dee said.
Ruby, Yang, Jaune, and Qrow all laughed.
"You're already in the room, you dolts," Weiss called out.
"No, no, no," Jacques said. "You stay in the room and make sure he doesn't leave."
"And you'll come and get him," Dee finished.
"Hic!" Dudley hiccupped again.
Nora groaned. "Hiccups are so annoying," she grumbled, speaking from experience after eating pancakes too fast.
"Maybe he had too much to drink," Qrow guessed, also speaking from experience.
"You should know plenty about that," Winter sneered at Qrow, who simply huffed.
"Right," Jacques said, starting to head out again.
"We don't need to do anything apart from just stop him entering the room," Dee said absent-mindedly.
Jacques came back. "No, no. Leaving the room," he corrected.
"Leaving the room. Yes," Dee said.
"All right?" Jacques asked.
"Right," Dee replied.
"Hic!" Dudley hiccupped.
Everyone was snickering or grinning at the guards' stupidity.
"How long until they finally get it?" Sun questioned as he ate a banana.
Neptune shrugged with a grin. "If they ever do, it'll probably take hours," he guessed.
"Right," Jacques said, preparing to leave again.
"Oh, if- if, uh- if- if- w- eh- if- if we-" Dee stuttered quizzically.
Weiss groaned. "Are they really this dense?" she asked.
"Apparently," Blake answered.
"Yes? What is it?" Jacques asked, losing his patience.
"Oh, i- if- i- oh-" Dee continued, then looked frustrated trying to remember his question.
"Look, it's quite simple. You just stay here and make sure he doesn't leave the room," Jacques said emphatically with hand gestures.
"They'll never get it, no matter how hard he tries," Jaune chuckled while munching on some popcorn.
"Yeah. Those two are as dumb as rocks," Yang said with a grinning.
"Hic!" Dee hiccupped.
"All right?" Jacques prodded, hoping the guards' got the picture.
"Oh, I remember," Dee said. "Uhhh...can he leave the room with us?"
Everyone burst out laughing at that line.
"He has a point though. What if he has to use the bathroom?" Ruby asked.
"Jacques wouldn't have cared," Weiss replied, knowing her father better than anyone.
"No, no. No. You just keep him in here and make sure he-" Jacques began.
"Oh, yes. We'll keep him in here, obviously, but if he had to leave and we were with him-" Dee said.
"No, no, no, no. Just keep him in here!" Jacques said, getting frustrated.
"Until you or anyone else-"
"No, not anyone else!" Jacques said angrily. "Just me!
"Just you."
"Hic!" Dee hiccupped once again.
"Get back," Jacques finished.
"Get back," Dee parroted.
"How did those two goons even get hired in the first place?" Oobleck wondered aloud.
"Jacques probably spent so much on the castles infrastructure, he couldn't afford to hire decent guards," Jaune said with a smile, prompting laughter from the audience.
"Good theory, Jaune," Pyrrha complimented.
"All right?" Jacque asked.
"Right. We'll stay here until you get back," Dee replied.
"Hic!" Dudley hiccupped.
Jacques hung back. "And, uh, make sure he doesn't leave," he said, hoping he got through to the guards.
"What?" Dee asked.
"Make sure he doesn't leave," Jacques repeated.
"The Prince?" Dee asked, looking at Whitley offscreen.
"Who else, you dunce? The other guard," Winter said, getting irritated.
"Yes. Make sure he doesn't leave," Jacques said.
"Oh, yes, of course. I thought you meant him," Dee said, pointing at Dudley. "You know, it seemed a bit daft me having to guard him when he's a guard."
"Hic!" Dudley hiccupped.
Winter sighed deeply while the rest of the audience laughed.
"Is that clear?" Jacques asked.
"Hic!"
"Oh, quite clear. No problems," Dee assured.
"Right."
"Just wait for it. There will be problems," Sun chuckled.
"Absolutely," Neptune agreed with his partner.
Then, just as Jacques turned to leave, the guards began to follow him.
"Where are you going?" Jacques asked.
"We're coming with you," Dee answered.
"And there it is!" Sun announced, prompting laughter from everyone.
"No, no! I want you to stay here and make sure he doesn't leave!" Jacques ordered with exasperation.
"Oh, I see. Right," Dee said as he and Dudley returned to their posts.
"Worst. Guards. Ever," Weiss punctuated. "Of all time."
"I wouldn't trust them guard a privy, let alone a prince," Glynda said.
"But Father!" Whitley whined.
"Shut your noise, you! And get that suit on!" Jacques commanded.
Whitley sat down and gazed forlornly out the window as the music kicked in again.
Jacques popped back in. "And no singing!"
"Hic!" hiccupped.
"Oh, go and get a glass of water," Jacques groused.
Nora snorted with amusement. "Then how is he supposed to guard Whitley?"
Whitley and the guards locked eyes and exchanged smiles. He prepared a quill and a sheet of paper. He quickly wrote something without breaking eye contact. Whitley then shimmied over to grab a bow and arrow from a nearby wall. He stuck his note to the arrow. He then shimmied to the window. He smiled at the guards. They smiled back. He shot the arrow out window and put down the bow.
"Just as Salem did..." Ozpin reminisced to himself.
Cut to a nearby forest. Sir Ozma and his servant, Concorde, were approaching a river.
"Well taken, Concorde!" Ozma complimented.
"Thank you, sir! Most kind," Concorde replied.
"Let's see if Sir Ozma fares better than the other knights," Ironwood said hopefully.
"Or is at least as brave as his title suggests," Winter added.
Ozpin's interest was heavily piqued. He sipped his coffee, meditating on whether or not the tale would play out similarly to his own when he rescued Salem long, long ago.
Ozma began to cross the river by jumping from rock to rock.
"And again! Over we go! Good," Ozma said as he leaped. "Steady! And now, the big one! Come on, Concorde!"
Suddenly, the sharp whistling sound of an arrow could be heard. Then the dull thunk of it hitting something. Ozma glanced over at Concorde, who now had Prince Whitley's arrow embedded in his chest.
"Message for you, sir," Concorde notified as he fell over.
Ozma rushed to his fallen companion, kneeling down beside him.
"There goes another servant," Velvet said sadly as she munched on some carrot sticks.
"Those poor bastards have it rough," Qrow agreed, remembering Neptune's page being crushed to death by the wooden rabbit.
"Concorde! Concorde! Speak to me!" he cried.
Concorde didn't answer, seemingly dead. Ozma removed the note from the arrows shaft and read it.
'To whoever finds this note: I have been imprisoned by my father, who wishes me to marry against my will. Please, please, please come and rescue me. I am in the Tall Tower of Swamp Castle.'
Ozma put down the note. "At last! A call! A cry of distress!" he said energetically. "This could be the sign that leads us to the Holy Grail!"
Ozpin felt another wave of nostalgia hit him as he gazed sorrowfully at the screen. Old and tragic memories came rushing back.
"It's just like the day we first met...when I saved her from that tower."
Ozma put his hand on Concorde's shoulder. "Brave, brave Concorde, you shall not have died in vain!"
Concorde stirred. "Uh, I'm- I'm not quite dead, sir," he corrected.
"He's lucky. Considering there's an arrow in his chest," Oobleck said.
"He might survive. Considering what happened to Adam earlier," Port reminded.
There was a short pause.
"Well... you shall not have been mortally wounded in vain!" Ozma rephrased, drawing his sword.
"I- I- I think I could pull through, sir," Concorde insisted.
"Oh, I see," Ozma said.
"He sounds a bit disappointed," Pyrrha pointed out.
"Actually, I think I'm all right to come with you, sir-" Concorde said, starting to get up.
"No, no, sweet Concorde!" Ozma insisted as he stood up. "Stay here! I will send help as soon as I have accomplished a daring and heroic rescue in my own particular..."
Ozma paused and sighed, at a loss for words.
"Way?" Jaune said.
"Method?" Weiss said
"Idiom?" Penny said.
"Idiom, sir?" Concorde guessed.
"Idiom!" Ozma replied positively.
"Wow. Good guess, Penny," Ruby complimented.
"Thank you, friend Ruby," Penny said with a smile.
"No, I feel fine, actually, sir-" Concorde began, but Ozma cut him off.
"Farewell, sweet Concorde!" Ozma declared as he ran off, bound for Swamp Castle.
"He's just going to leave him there?" Winter said disapprovingly.
"Just to rescue what he thinks is a maiden being held captive?" Ren added.
"No offense, headmaster. But your nephew is kind of a simp in this universe," Coco said to Ozpin with a hint of amusement.
Ozpin's eye twitched before he huffed through his nostrils while Glynda gave Coco a scolding glare.
Concorde sat uncomfortably where Ozma left him.
"I'll, um- I'll just stay here, then. Shall I, sir? Yeah."
Back at Swamp Castle. The bride, Elm, was being prepared for the wedding ceremony by her bridesmaids in the main hall. They all smiled and giggled amongst each other in eagerness. Other guests were preparing the wedding feast.
"Well, Jacques was right. She is quite a looker," Port admitted, sipping a diet soda.
"I'll say. Forced or not, I wouldn't mind marrying her," Neptune agreed.
Sun and Weiss sighed at Neptune's words.
Outside in the courtyard, a small band on a wooden stage was playing a merry wedding song. A group of smiling wedding guests performed a circular chain dance. Tables laden with food had been set up while other guests engaged in chatter.
"Awww, they all look so happy," Ruby cooed.
"It reminds me of the dance. Such a wonderful experience," Penny agreed with a smile.
"Something tells me it's going to go downhill very quickly," Qrow predicted nervously.
"What do you mean?" Yang asked Qrow curiously.
Outside the castle walls, more wedding guests headed inside, passing a pair of guards.
"Good morning," one of the guards greeted a newcomer.
The right guard was eating an apple. He then squinted as he spotted something in the distance.
Sir Ozma could be seen charging across a field towards the gate with drums beating dramatically.
"Here he comes," Pyrrha pointed out.
"Is he just going to charge in with his sword in hand?" Velvet asked.
"It looks like it," Sun confirmed.
The two guards looked puzzled.
The previous scene showing Ozma charging was shown.
Nora blinked. "Huh?"
"Did that scene just loop, or did I have too much to drink?" Qrow questioned aloud, gazing at his flask.
Yang waved her hand. "Nah. We all saw it," she assured her uncle.
Back to the guards, staring with idle curiosity.
Then back to Ozma as the scene looped.
"What's going on?" Ruby asked in confusion.
"It just keeps looping," Ren pointed out.
"Is there something wrong with the movie Gold-Sith?" Ironwood asked.
"No, General. Just wait for it," Gold-Sith replied.
Ozma's charge was looped a few more times in between the guards watching. Then suddenly, Ozma reached the gate and killed the guard with a war cry.
"Hey!" the other guard said weakly.
"Whoa!" Jaune exclaimed.
"What the hell was that for?!" Coco shouted.
"Well, that seemed unnecessary," Port said angrily.
Exciting music played as Ozma entered the courtyard while the festivities were still ongoing. He hollered like a madman as he rampaged through the area, slicing and dicing the dancing wedding guests as he went. Several of the guests fell to the ground in bloody heaps. Cries of pain and terror filled the courtyard.
Everyone was horrified as they watched Ozmas massacre. Ozpin in particular gaped in shock as his previous incarnation committed mass murder.
"What in Oum's name is he doing?!" Glynda yelled out in fury.
"Those are all innocent people!" Ruby cried in horror.
"What kind of a knight is he?!" Pyrrha shouted, her anger matching Glynda's.
Ozma then cut down the wooden stage holding the band, collapsing it with them falling with it. Ozma rushed up a stone stairway, killing another guard and sending him falling onto a stack of wine barrels. Ozma laughed maniacally as he cut down a few more wedding guests and entered the castle.
"Listen to him laughing!" Sun pointed out, disturbed.
"He's a madman!" Neptune added, shaking his head.
Back inside the main hall, Elm was still being prepared by her bridesmaids. The music had stopped briefly. Then Ozma suddenly entered, kicking Elm in the chest. The daring action music started up again.
"He just kicked the bride!" Velvet said angrily.
"That brute! How dare he!" Weiss growled.
"Mr. Wukong and Mr. Vasilias are right. He is a madman," Oobleck said.
Ozma hacked down a few more innocent bystanders as he ran up another staircase, stopping briefly to chop a bouquet of flowers mounted on a wall. He killed two more guards as he hurried up the stairwell of Prince Whitley's tower.
Up in the high tower, Ozma barged in. He killed Dudley.
"Now, you're not allowed to enter the room-" Dee began nonchalantly before Ozma cut him down too
"The guards didn't even put up a fight," Ren noted.
"You were right, Weiss. They are the worst guards ever," Winter agreed with her sister.
Ozma then rushed over to Whitley and knelt before him.
"O fair one, behold your humble servant, Sir Ozma of Camelot. I have come to take y-" Ozma said, then looked up and noticed he was speaking to a man.
Ozpin facepalmed and shook his head. "That's...not how it went for the real me," he thought.
Qrow laughed. "I'll bet he didn't see that coming."
"Awkward~," Velvet and Coco said together in sing-song voices.
Ozma quickly stood up. "Oh, I'm terribly sorry."
"You got my note!" Whitley said happily.
"Uh, well... I got, uh, a note," Ozma conceded.
"You've come to rescue me!"
"Uh, well, no," Ozma denied. "You see, I hadn't-"
"I knew someone would. I knew that somewhere out there..." Whitley said, preparing to sing again.
"Well, I-" Ozma said in embarrassment.
The orchestral music started up once again.
"Jacques is going to pop back in, I know it," Nora predicted.
"There must be someone-" Whitley began to sing.
As if on cue, Jacques did indeed pop into frame, waving his hands frantically.
"Stop that! Stop that! Stop it!" Jacques shouted and the music faded again.
Nora giggled. "Called it," she said.
"It's like he has a sixth-sense about singing," Port chuckled, noting how Jacques showed up every time singing occurred.
Jacques turned to Ozma. "Who are you?" he asked.
"I'm your son," Whitley replied in a hurt tone.
"No, not you!" Jacques snapped dismissively.
"He's going to be angry at Ozma for what he did," Glynda said.
"Probably for financial reasons only," Weiss assumed.
"I'm Sir Ozma, sir," the knight introduced himself.
"He's come to rescue me, father," Whitley claimed.
"Well, let's not jump to conclusions," Ozma retorted.
"But he did come to rescue him," Ruby said.
"Actually, he came to rescue what he thought was a maiden," Glynda corrected.
"Well... it depends on how you look at Whitley," Jaune said, referencing Whitley's feminine appearance.
The audience laughed at Jaune's reasoning.
"Did you kill all those guards?!" Jacques asked angrily.
"Uh... Oh, yes. Sorry," Ozma admitted.
"They cost fifty lien each!" Jacques complained.
Weiss rolled her eyes. "Of course it's the money that concerns him," she said.
"He's just as bad as the real Jacques," Winter added.
"Treating his own men like expendable pawns to be bought and sold," Ironwood growled.
Well, I'm awfully sorry," Ozma said. "Um, I really can explain every-"
"Don't be afraid of him, Sir Ozma," Whitley interrupted as he picked up a bedsheet-rope. "I've got a rope all ready,"
Whitley tied the rope to a bedpost while Jacques continued reprimanding Ozma.
"You killed eight wedding guests in all!"
"Well, uh, you see, the thing is, I thought your son was a lady," Ozma reasoned.
"I can understand that," Jacques conceded.
Everyone laughed at Ozma's line. Yang, Nora, Qrow, and Jaune in particular found it hysterical. Even Weiss and Winter giggled at they're brother's expense.
Whitley climbed onto the window's ledge with the other end of the rope in hand.
"Hurry, Sir Ozma! Hurry!" Whitley urged.
"Shut up!" Jacques barked. "You only killed the bride's father, that's all!"
"Well, I really didn't mean to..." Ozma said.
"Didn't mean to?!" Jacques cried incredulously. "You put your sword through his head!"
"Oh dear... is he all-right?" Ozma asked.
"What do you think?" Ren said irritably.
"He just said he was dead, you idiot," Coco shouted at the screen.
Ozpin could only frown in disappointment at his previous self being portrayed so negatively onscreen.
Whitley hung outside the window, peaking over the ledge at Ozma.
"You even kicked the bride in the chest. This is going to cost me a fortune!" Jacques concluded, looking at the ground.
"Seriously!" Jaune shouted in outrage.
"There's a bloodbath downstairs, and he's whining about money?!" Yang added.
"That's so typical of him," Winter said, shaking her head.
"Well, I can explain," Ozma said, pointing out the window. "I was in the forest, um... riding north from Camelot, when I got this note, you see-"
Jacque's gaze perked up. "Camelot? Are you from Camelot?"
"Hurry, Sir Ozma!" Whitley called.
"I am a Knight of King James, sir," Ozma confirmed.
"Very nice castle, Camelot. Very good pig country."
"Wait. He can't be serious!" Weiss said angrily.
"What is it Weiss?" Ruby asked her partner.
"Just keep watching. You'll see," Winter answered with a frown, seeing what Jacque's counterpart was scheming.
"Is it?" Ozma asked.
"Hurry! I'm ready!" Whitley said as he shimmied down the rope.
"Would you like to come and have a drink?" Jacques offered, putting an arm around Ozma's shoulder.
"He's trying to take advantage of Sir Ozma?" Ironwood said in realization.
"Exactly!" Weiss said bitterly.
"Well, that's awfully nice of you," Ozma said graciously.
Whitley peaked up through the window. "I am ready!" he repeated.
"I mean to be so understanding," Ozma explained.
Jacques casually drew a knife and cut the bedsheet rope holding Whitley.
"Oooh!" Whitley cried as he fell.
The audience gasped at how nonchalantly Jacques apparently murdered his own son.
"Did he just...?" Ruby said, unable to finish her sentence.
"He's killing his own son in lieu of Ozma?!" Oobleck shouted.
"That opportunistic bastard!" Weiss snarled.
"Atrocious!" Pyrrha said with contempt.
"I'm afraid when I'm in this idiom I sometimes get a bit, sort of carried away."
"A bit carried away?" Blake said in outrage.
"I'd hate to see him get a lot carried away," Yang said.
"Oh, don't worry about that," Jacques assured as he and Ozma headed downstairs.
"Oh!" Whitley exclaimed as he hit the ground with a splat.
A few audience members couldn't help but chuckle despite the darkness of the scene.
"That's the second time my brother has died in these viewings," Weiss grieved.
Back downstairs, the main hall was full of dead or wounded people while those unscathed tended to the latter. Groans and crying filled the room.
"Sweet Monty. Look at what he did," Port said, aghast at the massacre.
"I sure hope none of our weddings turn out that way," Yang said.
"Yours might," Blake said wryly, earning a glare from her partner.
Atop the stairs, Jacques and Ozma re-entered the main hall.
"Well, this is the main hall. We're going to have all this knocked through and made into one big, uh, living room," Jacques played tour guide.
One of the guests spotted Ozma. "There he is!" he shouted.
"Oh, bloody hell," Jacques muttered.
"Oh no..." Ruby whispered.
"Here we go again," Winter groaned with a facepalm.
Exciting action music blared the enraged guests moved towards Ozma. The fearless knight charged down the stairs towards them, hacking away at more of them.
"Hold it! Stop it! Hold it!" Jacques cried desperately.
Ren threw his hands up. "Oh, come on!" he shouted.
"Enough already!" Pyrrha cried.
"For the love of Oum, stop!" Ozpin shouted.
Jacques grabbed Ozma by the arm and pulled him back.
"Hold it! Hold it! Please!" Jacques begged.
"Sorry. Sorry," Ozma said in embarrassment. "You see what I mean? I just get carried away. I'm really most awfully sorry. Sorry! Sorry, everyone."
"Sorry isn't going to bring all those people back," Ruby said angrily.
"How did a maniac like him even get knighted?" Winter wondered aloud.
"Jimmy really scraped the bottom of the barrel with them," Qrow said.
Ironwood opened his mouth to protest. Then shut it, knowing Qrow was right.
"He's killed the best man!" a friar informed Jacques.
The crowd clamored angrily.
"Hold it! Hold it! Please! Hold it!" Jacques called out, silencing the crowd. "This is Sir Ozma from the Court of Camelot, a very brave and influential knight, and my special guest here today."
"Hello," Ozma greeted simply.
"If by special guest, he means bloodthirsty wedding crasher," Yang said, rolling her eyes.
"He killed my auntie!" a wedding guest protested, enticing more shouting from the crowd.
"Please! Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion!" Jacques implored the crowd to relax. "Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to witness the union of two young people in the joyful bond of the holy wedlock. Unfortunately, one of them, my son Whitley, has just fallen to his death."
"You mean he was murdered, you scumbag," Coco said, eliciting nods from the audience.
Gasps and sounds of grief came from the crowd.
"But I don't want to think I've not lost a son, so much as gained a daughter!" Jacques said with a smile.
The captivated audience applauded Jacque's speech.
"Just like that? They're buying into this?" Jaune said in disbelief.
"He's like that at charity balls and other gatherings," Weiss explained sadly. "Charismatic and generous in public. But behind closed doors... it's a whole different story."
"I couldn't have said it better myself," Winter agreed with her sister.
"For, since the tragic death of her father-" Jacques began.
"He's not quite dead!" a wedding guest corrected as he held Elm's dying father.
"Not quite dead? But he was stabbed in the head with a sword," Oobleck recalled what Jacquees said.
"Since the near fatal wounding of her father-" Jacques rephrased.
"He's getting better!" the guest said.
"Just like with Concorde," Port recalled.
Jacques looked at a guard and jerked his head. The guard moved through the crowd towards Elm's father.
"For, since her own father, who, when he seemed about to recover, suddenly felt the icy hand of death upon him," Jacques said quickly.
The guard ran Elm's father through with his sword.
"Ugh!" the father-in-law croaked.
"Oh, he's died!" the wedding guest cried out.
"Now he's murdered the bride's father!" Velvet cried out.
"Dare I say it, this version of Jacques is worse than the real one," Winter said.
"And I want his only daughter to look upon me as her old dad, in a very real and legally binding sense," Jacques proclaimed.
The crowd applauded again.
"And I feel sure that the merger- er," Jacques began before correcting himself. "The union between Princess Elm and the brave, but dangerous, Sir Ozma of Camelot!"
"What?" Ozma said in surprise.
"He's taking advantage of Ozma for a political alliance with Camelot," Penny deducted.
"And he murdered his own son to make it happen," Ozpin added with disgust.
"Yep. That's definitely something my father would do," Weiss admitted.
"Look! The dead Prince!" A wedding guest called out.
Concorde, still alive and well, carried Prince Whitley into the main hall bridal style.
"He's not quite dead," Concorde corrected.
"No, I feel much better," Whitley added.
A few audience members gasped in surprise as well.
"But we heard him hit the ground," Port reminded.
"He got better," Nora said in reference, prompting laughter from the audience.
"You fell out of the Tall Tower, you creep!" Jacques shouted.
Concorde set Whitley down on a table. The prince stood up as he spoke.
"No, I was saved at the last minute," Whitley said.
"How?!" Jacques asked incredulously.
"Well, I'll tell you," Whitley answered as music began to kick in.
"Not like that!" Jacques shouted. "Not like that! No! Stop it!"
"Again, with the musical," Qrow said, rolling his eyes.
"If it gets under my father's skin, it's fine by me," Weiss said with a grin.
"Me too," Winter concurred with her sister.
The entire crowd began to sing.
"He's going to tell! He's going to tell!"
"Shut up! Shut up!" Jacques ordered.
"He's going to tell! He's going to tell!"
"Shut up! Not like that!" Jacques shouted.
"There's no stopping it this time," Ruby giggled.
The crowd paid Jacques protests no heed as they continued singing.
"He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell! He's going to tell!"
"Quickly, sir!" Concorde shouted up to Ozma. "Come this way!"
"No! It's not right for my idiom!" Ozma refused as he sheathed his sword and grabbed a nearby rope hanging from the ceiling.
"He's going to tell about his great escape. Oh, he fell a long, long way..."
"I must escape more..." Ozma began, then paused and sighed in frustration, again at a loss for words.
"Epically?" Yang said.
"Violently?" Weiss said.
"Dramatically?" Penny said.
"Dramatically, sir?" Concorde suggested.
"Dramatically!" Ozma parroted loudly.
"Hee-yah!" Ozma exclaimed as he jumped from the staircase.
The crowd continued singing as Ozma swung from the rope out of frame, only to crash into something offscreen. He swung back and forth a few times and then stopped.
Yang, Ruby, Velvet, Jaune, and Qrow laughed.
"Well, at least he's hanging in there," Yang said, prompting groans from the audience.
Ozma hung from the ceiling over the oblivious crowd as they continued singing.
"But he's here with us today. What a wonderful escape!"
The crowd broke into a cheer as they finished their short musical.
"Excuse me," Ozma said awkwardly. "Could, uh- could somebody give me a push, please?"
The entire audience, except for Ironwood, laughed at Ozma's failed escape.
Ironwood just sighed deeply. "Well, that was a disaster," he grieved. "A wedding ruined, many innocent people dead, and still no closer to the Holy Grail."
"Chin up, Jimmy. It's not over yet," Qrow said with a smirk, hoping his taunting counterpart would reappear.