Treating a Baby
Lyrics to Birthday by The Beatles (1968)
Johnny Velazquest was a sociable guy. He had many friends, chums, acquaintances, pals, and associates. Therefore, it seemed like every day was someone's birthday. Dad's was in January, Ronnie Anne, Lana and Lola's in February, Mom and Sid's in March, Lori in April, Leni and Stella in May, Lynn and Lincoln in June, and...he couldn't remember off the top of his head, but there were a lot.
Because he was a good guy, Johnny tried to get everybody a little something-something for their big day. Make no mistake, he wasn't a money-blowing simp about it, throwing away hundreds of dollars on each present, but he'd spend five, maybe ten bucks. If he came empty-handed, he'd feel guilty, so he had to get something. Curse of being a "nice guy" he supposed. Some dudes can roll up with nothing and be like wat but not him. His parents taught him manners and respect and all that other dumb stuff.
Not that spending ten bucks on a friend was a big deal. He and Lincoln had steady revenue from their many side businesses and always had a little spending money on hand; never much, but enough that he could bite the bullet and put down a few dollars for special occasions. Now Christmas was a different story because instead of buying for one person, you're buying for everyone. For Christmas, he set aside five dollars for each friend and family member and five dollars only. If he saw something he knew you'd love and it was twenty dollars, he might splurge and get it for your birthday, but not for Christmas. You'd get stationary, a discounted Funko POP, or some candy bars, no exceptions. He once got Mom a turkey baster from the Dollar Tree for crying out loud. He was willing to go cheap.
To keep from forgetting everyone's birthdays, he penciled each one into an old datebook he found in the attic: It was for the calendar year 1991 and featured Hulk Hogan and The Ultimate Warrior on the cover, along with the old chrome WWF logo. He didn't have everyone's birthday committed to memory, but he could remember the month or season.
As fussily organized as he was in this regard, one managed to slip through the cracks.
In his defense, it was a new addition.
Lily.
The littlest Loud turned two toward the end of February. Johnny, of course, remembered Mrs. Loud being pregnant at Christmas and then going into labor at some point around Valentine's Day, but he didn't think to put Lily's arrival date into his datebook. Her first birthday came and went, and looking back, Johnny was pretty sure he had no clue. This time around, he caught wind of it a week before while he and Mr. Loud were baking brownies one Wednesday evening. "I'm thinking of making a chocolate lava cake for Lily's birthday," Mr. Loud said, "but I don't know if I want to put in that much time. What do you think?"
I think I had no idea Lily's birthday was coming up, that's what I think.
Johnny said as much.
"It's on Sunday but we're having her party on Saturday."
That was three days from now, two if you took into account the current day was pretty much over. Darn it, he wished he had known sooner. As it stood, he had no idea what to get her and didn't have much time to think on it. Shopping for girls was hard but manageable - when in doubt, get them make-up or bath products. Even Sid, who was as tomboyish as they came, wore eyeliner. Shopping for a two year old girl was something else entirely, though. What do they like? Lily was too young for all of the normal girly stuff like Barbie dolls and Easy Bake Ovens, but she was just a smidgen too old for baby toys. At least he thought she was. He rarely ever saw her with a toy. Every time he came over, she was either napping, toddling around, watching TV, or playing with a creepy Fenton Fox doll that sang and danced.
Now he was stressed out and he was not good at thinking under pressure. Before leaving the Loud house, he faked like he needed to pee and crept into Lisa and Lily's room to steal a look at her toybox for ideas.
He couldn't find one.
What the frick? Where does this girl keep her toys? He looked under her crib, in the closet, under Lisa's bed - he even checked the drawers of Lisa's computer desk to be absolutely sure. The room was as devoid of toys as the WWE Network was of good content.
"Johnny!"
El Jonno jumped so high he almost lost his paper bag hat in the ceiling fan.
Lisa stood in the doorway with her hands on her hips and her brow lowered. Johnny slammed the drawer he had been rummaging through, put his hands behind his back, and flashed an innocent smile. "Hey, uh, Lise. Fancy meeting you here."
"Fancy meeting me in my own bedroom," she said sarcastically. "What are you doing here?"
The logical thing for Johnny to do would have been to say I was trying to find Lily's toybox so I could get a general idea of what she likes to play with but logical was for dweebs like Lincoln. Seriously, though, admitting that he didn't know what Lily liked...that he, the great Johnny V, couldn't come up with his own gift idea for a two year old...was kind of embarrassing. So instead of telling the truth, he blurted out the first lie that came to mind. "I wanted to learn more about microbiology."
Lisa's face lit up. "You do? Well, you've come to the right place."
What followed was the most soul-crushingly boring two hours of Johnny's life. Lisa took him through the history, procedures, and philosophy of microbiology in painstaking detail. The part about pandemics was kind of cool compared to the rest of it. Everyone knows about the Black Death, but they totally sleep on the Spanish Influenza outbreak of 1918. Did you know that there was a huge Smallpox epidemic in North America during the Revolutionary War? It hit the colonists hard but didnt touch the British because they'd been naturally exposed to Cowpox, a less lethal form of Smallpox, and were immune. It spread from Boston and Philidelpha to the south, then along the Indian trail to the west, into Mexico. It was basically The Stand in Colonial North America. Johnny listened spellbound as Lisa told him of ntire Indian villages razed by disease and of Spanish missions filled with the dead and dying.
Whoa.
Why don't they teach this stuff in school?
Finally, Mom texted demanding to know where he was and Johnny extracted himself from Lisa's clutches. Why Mom waited until almost nine'o'clock to start wonderin where he was, Johnny didn't know, but he was a little salty that she didn't hit him up sooner.
At home, Johnny logged into the ancient desktop in his and Lincoln's room and plugged WHAT DO TWO YEAR OLD GIRLS LIKE into Google. Pictures of pink toys, clothes, and bedspreads popped up. Below was a list.
The Best Toys and Gifts For Any 2-Year-Old Girl
VTech Touch and Learn Activity Desk Deluxe, Pink.
Joystar Kids Balance Bike.
Star Light Rotating Projector with Timer.
Playz Princess Castle Play Tent.
The Wonderful Things You Will Be.
Baby Starters Plush Snuggle Buddy, Sugar N Spice Doll.
Step2 Fun with Friends Kitchen.
More items...Jan 8, 2021
Hm. The plush buddy doll thingie was king of cute and the play tent looked like fun if you could fit in it. Johnny checked the prices and swooned. Oh, lawd, as his old black gramma would say if she was a stereotype written by Stephen King (seriously, that dude can not write black people). He bit the bullet and bought both of them because he missed last year and, hey, you only turn two once, right?
"Bro, it's Lily's birthday on Saturday," he said when Lincoln came in.
"Cool," Lincoln said and dropped onto his bed with a bounce. He grabbed an Ace Savvy comic from the nightstand and opened it.
Johnny waited for him to say something else. When he didn't, Johnny rolled his eyes. "Aren't you going to get her something?"
"I'll get her a plush from the gas station or something."
Really? "Dude, that's not a gift."
Lincoln fixed him with a baleful look over the top of his comic. "You got me a pack of gum for my last birthday. You're not the one to gatekeep birthday presents. So shut up and turn around."
Oh, it was like that, was it?
Johnny stood up.
Tossing the comic aside, Lincoln started to get to his feet, but Johnny speared him against the wall. Lincoln grabbed one of Johnny's dreads and yanked it so hard that tears sprang to Johnny's eyes. Johnny tried to pull away, and they fell onto the floor, Lincoln on top. Lincoln snatched the front of Johnny's shirt and cocked his fist, and Johnny squeezed his eyes closed.
Without warning, a loud bang filled the house, and low, ominous music began to play. Johnny and Lincoln both turned to the door as sparks began to fly from either side of the frame like wind driven snow in the Rockies. They looked at each other, then back as a figure emerged behind the screen of pyro. Clad in only a pair of black trunks, Dad came in and started punching the air. He was going for Goldberg, but he looked more like Foldberg...because, you know, fat folds.
Uh-oh.
Lincoln tried to run, but Dad chokeslammed him on the bed and he went limp like a man playing dead before the might and fury of a grizzly bear. Dad came at Johnny next, and Johnny wailed in horror. Dad flipped him over and bodyslammed him on the bed. He then jumped back, lifted his arms, and roared, "WHO'S NEXT?"
After Dad stalked out to find another victim, Johnny sat up and glared at Lincoln. "This is all your fault."
"Oh, shut up," Lincoln said and rolled off of the bed. "I have to put up with Dad's goofy stuff, I'm not putting up with yours too."
"Are you going to get Lily a real gift?" Johnny asked.
Lincoln rolled his eyes. "Yes, I will get her a real gift, okay? Will that make you happy?"
"Yes," Johnny said, "that would make me happy."
Good, now that that was settled, Johnny could go back to doing what he did best.
Watching cat videos.
The next afternoon after school, Lincoln, Johnny, and Ronnie Anne walked downtown to the toy store on Main Street. Johnny didn't know why RA tagged along, but whatever. Like Don Corleone says: Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, and your frenemies closest of all.
Kids' World LTD was situated between the feed store and Crockett Realty, a tiny store with a wooden sign hanging over the door and low, comfortable lighting in the front windows. Inside, tall wooden shelves loomed over narrow aisles. Toys of every description watched them approach. Johnny saw teddy bears, cars and airplanes made out of wood, dolls with creepy porcelain faces, and rusted metal tinker toys that probably hadn't been played with since Harry S. Truman was president (did you know S was his middle name? Literally, the S was it, it didn't stand for anything else). Kids' World had been in Royal Woods for three years and this was only the second time Johnny had been inside; antiques and vintage toys might appeal to Mom, but they didn't do anything for him. This was the only place in town to get a decent toy, however, and it was either shop here or at Flip's.
Johnny shoved his hands into the pockets of his surplus army jacket and moseyed up and down the board games aisle while Lincoln and Ronnie Anne peeped the girl toys. Johnny scanned stacks of boxes with colorful artwork, stopping to pick up one with RISK across the spine in red. Johnny liked Risk: The object of the game was to take over the whole world and there was nothing quite as fun as waging jihad against the entire globe. When he and Lincoln played, he pretended to be a fascist dictator fighting Lincoln's brand of communism; no matter who won, the people of earth lost out lol. It doesn't matter if a bullet comes from the left or the right, it's still a bullet, bro.
This version of Risk included extra game pieces and all new shipping routes between countries, that way you could take your battle to the high seas. Huh. Pretty nifty. He looked for the price tag and cringed. Oh, come on, it's not worth that much.
Putting it back, he found Lincoln and Ronnie Anne looking at a teddy bear that talked when you squeezed its belly. Hi, I'm Bucky, wanna play? I like being hugged. I'm your friend to the end he he he."
Its beady black glistened with malevolence and its frozen smile struck Johnny as forced, as though Bucky was only pretending to be happy. The moment you turned your back, it would fall into a hateful glower. It would reach behind its back, pull out a knife, and get to its feet…
Shiver.
"That thing's creepy," Johnny said.
"I know," Lincoln said and picked it up, "it's perfect."
"Dude, you're not getting that for Lily. It'll scare her."
Lincoln shot him a withering look. "You're gonna stop telling me what to do or we're gonna have problems, John."
Reacting on instinct, Johnny slapped the bear from Lincoln's hands, and it fell to the floor. "That wasn't very nice," it said.
"Yeah," Ronnie Anne said, "listen to the bear, lame-o."
"Stay out of this, lamette," Johnny said. Then, to Lincoln: "That bear's evil. You're not buying it."
Lincoln cocked his fist, but before he could throw it, the bear spoke. "Break his jaw, Lincoln."
They all looked down at the bear...then backed away slowly.
"Now what?" Lincoln asked as they made their way aimlessly through downtown. The air was bitterly cold and Lincoln's breath puffed out in front of him like smoke. People in heavy coats and caps hurried up and down the sidewalks on their way to wherever and a plow truck lumbered down the street, its big metal blade dragging on the asphalt with a grating sound.
Johnny sighed. "I don't know. I'd say Amazon but it's probably too late for that."
They wound up hitting Flip's, since there was nowhere else to go in this half-horse town. Flip stood behind the register and glared at them as they browsed the single toy/misc shelf. "If you steal anything, I will stand my ground."
"We're not stealing anything, Flip," Johnny said long-sufferingly.
"Take your hat off," Flip ordered, "it's disrespectful to wear it inside."
Sighing, Johnny took his paper bag off and tucked it under his arm. "There, Flip."
"Don't get fresh with me."
Oh, God. "Sorry, Flip."
Lincoln settled on a miniature teddy bear with a heart on the stomach and a king-sized Caramello. "You think she'll like this?" he asked of the candy.
"Dude, it's packed with caramel, who wouldn't like it?"
Ronnie Anne bullied Lincoln into buying her one too. Normally, Johnny would have jumped in on his bro's side, but after the way he bucked up back at the toy store, Lincoln deserved whatever he got.
After leaving the store, they split with Ronnie Anne, who walked off into the gathering gloom licking caramel from her fingers. When they got home, Johnny was pleasantly surprised to find two packages from Amazon waiting for him on the doorstep. "Sweet," he said and plucked them from the porch. Inside, Dad was asleep in front of Wrestlemania II. Mr. T and Roddy Piper pretended to box while Vince McMahon called the action and Susan St. James blurted a faux-excited oh every time literally anything happened. Mom sat at the kitchen table, clipping coupons and listening to The Pointer Sisters on her phone. You know, Johnny expected his mother to like old, lame music but not music that was old and lame when she was a kid. He understood her affinity for the eighties even less than he did Dad's affinity for wrestling. At least wrestling was popular when he was coming up.
"Hey, guys," she said happily, "wanna coupon with me?"
Lincoln and Johnny exchanged a quick look. "Uh...no, thanks," Lincoln said.
"Yeah, we got stuff to do," Johnny added.
The disappointment on Mom's face was almost enough to change his mind.
Almost.
Upstairs, Johnny fetched a roll of wrapping paper from the closet and wrapped his gifts for Lily. Sergio perched on the window sill and intently watched the night-shrouded street. "Squawk, Crip at 12'o'clock. Squawk, that guy looks like a Blood. They're gonna fight."
Johnny rolled his eyes. "Man, you've been watching too much Boyz in the Hood. There are no gang members here."
"You're losing it," Lincon said, "you need to -"
POP-POP-POP.
WAS THAT GUNFIRE?
Johnny hit the deck, Lincoln ducked, and Sergio was startled into flight.
I'm too young to catch a stray bullet, Johnny thought, sobbing.
The gunfire didn't come again, and Johnny sat up.
"Told you," Sergio said from the desk, "real recognizes real, squawk."
That night, Johnny and Lincoln slept on the floor.
Just in case.
Saturday afternoon, Lincoln and Johnny walked over to the Loud house. On Friday, the weather turned nasty and six inches of wet, slushy snow fell over central Michigan, so the party was held inside. Lily was chilling in the middle of the living room floor when they rolled in, dressed in a little pair of jeans, a purple T, and a yellow paper party hat with purple polka dots. The Fenton Fox Show was on and Lily slapped her bare feet and laughed at the silly antics of her favorite cartoon characters. Mr. Loud balanced on a kitchen chair and hung decorations, Lori directed him (a little to the left!), Luan was dressed like a clown and provided entertainment for Lana and Lola, and Luna jammed out on her guitar, singing off-key.
You say it's your birthday
It's my birthday too, yeah
They say it's your birthday
We're gonna have a good time
I'm glad it's your birthday
Happy birthday to you
Lynn did push-ups, Lucy, dressed like a witch, chased a screaming Leni up the stairs, and Lisa danced to the music with a lampshade on her head. "This special apple juice has removed inhibitions," she said and shook her butt. The smell of warm, baking cake seasoned the air and Johnny took a big whiff. Oh, yeah, he could not wait.
Lincoln and Johnny took their presents into the dining room and sat them on the table. They went into the living room and sat on either side of Lily. "Happy Birthday, Lily," Johnny said.
"Goo, gah, poo-poo," Lily said and blew a spit bubble.
Mrs. Loud came in with a tray of snacks, and the moment it touched the coffee table, everyone dog-piled it. Johnny got a couple crackers and a slice of cheese and Lincoln came back with a stack of summer sausage cut into thick, ragged pieces. Next, Mrs. Loud brought out a bowl of punch with sherbet in it. It had half melt and turned the liquid a swirling kaleidoscope of colors. Johnny ladled some into a plastic cup and downed it at draught. "Man, that's good," he said and smacked his lips.
Lynn finished with her pushups and challenged Lincoln and Johnny to a slapboxing match. "I bet both of you together couldn't take me," she said.
"I'm not going to hit a girl," Lincoln said and held up his hand.
Leaning over, Lynn slapped him so hard his head whipped to one side.
Lincoln popped his shirt off. "Alright, c'mon."
She charged him, and he got two good slaps in before she hit him with a flurry of stinging smacks to the chest and belly. "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU TWO!" Mr. Loud called from the kitchen. "I do not allow bloodsports in my home!"
Lincoln and Lynn growled at each other, but separated, Lynn going to one side of the room and Lincoln to the other. They spent the rest of the party mean mugging each other like two junkyard dogs who wanted the same steak. "Gah gah pooooo," Lily said to the TV. Fenton Fox and his little woodland friends danced and sang a song about love and friendship.
Shortly, a knock came at the door and Mr. Loud answered it. A man holding a stack of pizza boxes so big that Johnny couldn't see his face was there, and Mr. Loud dug out his wallet. Johnny had never wondered how many pizzas it took to feed the Loud family, but that day he found out: Fifteen. He and Lincoln had two slices of pepperoni each, so if you took that into account, almost fifteen, though he was sure twelve people could find room for leftover slices.
After pizza, everyone gathered in the dining room for cake and ice cream. Lily sat at the head of the table in a booster seat, her face glowing in the soft candlelight. She clapped her hands as everyone sang Happy Birthday and then blew out the candles with a little help from her sisters. Johnny cringed a little and almost decided against having a piece of cake: Since the Pabstvirus thing last year, he was more conscious of germs...like the kind you get from a bunch of people breathing on your food. The cake looked really good, though. Three layers of chocolate with white frosty, sprinkles, and… *Homer Simpson drooling*
Johnny sat between Luna and Luan. Luan had changed out of her clown costume and was now painted up like a mime, complete with black and white striped shirt and black beret. She put her hands up and felt along the air like she was trapped in a box, and Johnny shook his head. "Not funny," he said, "not cool, not cute - just sad and overdone."
Luan hung her head in dejection.
The room was silent as everyone ate, so silent that everyone was able to hear Lily when she spoke. Slapping her empty plate, face coated in chocolate crumbs, she cried, "Wake!"
Everyone looked at her. "Did Lily just say a new word?" Lori asked.
"It sounded like she said cake," Leni said.
Lily nodded. "Wake! Weni! Wake!"
Leni's face lit up. "She said my name!"
"Can you say my name?" Lucy asked.
"Wucy!"
Everyone started talking over one another, each one asking Lily to say their name or some other word. Lily looked pleased but overwhelmed by the attention. She repeated everything that was hurled at her. "Wori! Wynn! Wincoln! Wonny! Birfday! Wampire!"
Lori glared at Lucy and Lucy bristled. "Don't judge me."
When everyone tired of the game, Lily opened her presents. Of all the expensive things she got - and she got a lot of expensive things - what she went for first was the Caramello bar Lincoln got her. She hugged it to her chest like it was a favorite doll and rocked from side to side. She was still holding it an hour later when she came down from her sugar high and crashed on the living room floor. She thrust her butt into the air, jammed her thumb into her mouth, and slept like a little angel. Aww, she's so cute. Yes she is.
"Alright, everybody," Mr. Loud called, "time to pitch in and clean up."
"Looks like Lily really loves your gift, Lincoln," Lynn said.
He didn't reply.
She looked around and frowned.
The brothers Velazquest were gone.