Lincoln and Johnny's Big Valentine's Day

Johnny hated February. It was the coldest, bleakest month of the year and there was nothing to look forward to. At least in December you had Christmas, and in January, Martin Luther King Day was a guaranteed day off. What did February have? Snow, ice, and sadness, that's what. Johnny remembered a quote he read once that said something like "November is the month in England when everyone hangs and drowns themselves." He assumed that was because November was damp, dreary, and gray (even by British standards). Well, February was basically the American version. Even though it was only twenty eight days long, it seemed to go on and on. What made it worse was that by the middle of February, you could just make out the warm, sunny light at the end of the ice tunnel. March was right around the corner, and with it, spring. It was like thirsting to death when you can see a tall, cold glass of water.

For that reason alone, Johnny loathed February.

Then there was Valentine's Day.

Johnny was single and always had been unless you count the little "girlfriends" he had in his old neighborhood when he was little. There was this Hispanic girl named Marleana, her sister Lacy, and...uh...another one, he thought, but he couldn't remember. He personally didn't consider them actual girlfriends because he was so young that he didn't even know what a girlfriend actually was. Like any boy, he had crushes and dreamed of landing an awesome GF, but it hadn't happened yet. That did not bother or upset him anymore than not having a college degree upset him. It would happen one day, he figured, so why sweat it?

All of that to say this: Johnny hated Valentine's Day, but not because he got depressed over not having a girl. It was just lame. First of all, the candy straight up sucked. Those little hearts are chalky and nasty. Second, the whole tradition of giving everyone in his class a card was a little awkward. Like...here, Brett, have a pink piece of paper covered in hearts. From me to you. Holla. Third, it was really commercialized. Johnny was a proud capitalist who believed in making money, but when you have a "holiday" that was basically created by companies to sell cards and sucky candy, maybe that's a little too much. You don't even get the day off, and as far as Johnny was concerned, if you don't get the day off, it's not a holiday at all.

There were other reasons he didn't like Valentine's Day, but those were the biggest. Overall, it was a dumb day in a dumb month full of dumb candy and dumb cards.

He wasn't radical in his opposition to it, though. He didn't turn his nose up and refuse to participate like he was too cool for school. He got everyone in his class a card and a couple pieces of penny candy, and if someone said "Happy Valentine's Day, Johnny," he said the same back (without the Johnny part) because it was polite to do so. Whether you like the holiday or not, if someone wishes you well, it's only decent to do the same. It really peed him off how some people get offended when someone says "Merry Christmas" (or Happy Holidays). Look, it doesn't matter if you're an atheist and don't believe in God, and it doesn't matter if you're a Christian and you think happy holidays is an effort to replace Jesus or something. If someone gives you a season's greeting and your first reaction is to pop off on them, you're an A-hole. End of story.

Anyway, this time around, Johnny decided to do something a little different.

Maybe there was a minor gas leak in the house, or maybe he was going soft in his old age (man, the big 1-4 was getting uncomfortably close), but one morning, in the middle of the deepest freeze since 1963, Johnny woke up and decided to embrace V-Day. The past year had been a rough one, what with the Pabstvirus, the Black People are Important riots, and all that business at the Capitol, so why not change things up with a little positivity?

The first thing he did on leaping heroically out of bed was sit down at his desk, grab a fresh paper bag, and start decorating it with marker while listening to Knock Three Times by Tony Orlando and Dawn on his phone. He worked by lamplight and nodded his head, awake but somehow not. Inexplicable energy crackled through him and his mind was clear yet muddled. It was a strange state in-between sleep and wakefulness akin to sleepwalking, but wasn't.

He was just wrapping up when Lincoln slurred, "Dude, turn that crap off."

"It's almost time to get up, bro," Johnny said.

The sheets rustled as Lincoln rolled over and peered at the bedside clock. "John...it's 3am."

Johnny faltered. He twisted around and looked at the clock.

3:08.

Wait a minute. He could have sworn the clock said 5:58 when he woke up. Johnny shot his brother a dirty look. "You're messing with me."

"It's too early for that," Lincoln snapped. "I didn't wake you up, you woke me up. Why would I be messing with you?"

Not trusting him, Johnny checked his phone.

3:08.

Oh.

Really.

Why?

He barely remembered the incident in the morning, and would have passed it off as a dream if it weren't for the girlishly adorned paper bag waiting on the desk, covered in hearts and looking like the work of a four-year-old girl.

Regardless, Johnny put it on and rocked it. What were people gonna do, make fun of him? LOL. He legit didn't care what they thought or said. In order for someone's words to hurt him, that person had to mean something to him. At the breakfast table, Dad, dressed in an Andre the Giant style singlet that bared one flabby man breast, launched into hysterical laughter. "You look like a fool!"

Mom, in her pink leg warmers, giggled like a little girl. "That thing is ridiculous, Johnny. Why don't you take it off?"

"Why don't you both bite me?"

Dad brought his fist down on the table, clattering the dishes and making everyone jump. "Don't talk to your mother like that."

I was talking to you too, but okay.

After finishing off his breakfast, Johnny shrugged into his coat, slung his backpack over his shoulder, and went outside. Two inchest of snow crusted the earth and a bitter wind swept across the tundra, numbing Johnny's face. The sky was gray save for a bloodless slick of orange in the east, and the barren tree branches knocked and swayed in the wind like zombies to the music of the damned. On the way to school, Lincoln kept pulling ahead, and Johnny had to run to catch up to him, only for him to do it again. "Dude, slow down. What's your problem?"

"Do I know you?" Lincoln asked.

Johnny rolled his eyes. "Really? You're gonna be like that?"

"Take that stupid thing off your head."

"Take that stupd thing you call a face off your head," Johnny shot back.

"You look like a dork."

"And you look like a baby who doesn't have the guts to go against the grain. You're literally an NPC."

Lincoln waved him off and walked away.

"You're weak!" Johnny called after him,

Lincoln flipped him off.

Whatever. Johnny had the courage to be different, Lincoln apparently didn't. He'd gone soft now he was a scary little girl who was afraid of not fitting in with the pack. What a sissy. Lincoln was embarrassed to be seen with him? He was embarrassed to be seen with Lincoln.

As soon as he walked through the door, the taunts started coming. Kids pointed and laughed, teachers called out, "Nice heardwear!", and the principal heaved a long-suffering sigh, spun on his heels, and walked away like a man giving up. At his locker, he grabbed his books and tucked them under his arm. Sid and Stella walked past and started cackling.

"Nice bag," Sid said.

Stella's face turned red, and Johnny was instantly reminded of Patrick when Spongebob said 25. "Festive," she remarked, then exploded in mad laughter. She and Sid threw their arms around each other to keep from falling over, and Johnny pursed his lips.

"You know," he said, "it's a bag with some hearts on it. It's not that funny."

"IT'S HYSTERICAL!" Sid screamed between sobs.

Whatever.

For the rest of the day, people chuckled and made dumb remarks, but Johnny literally did not care. In fact, the more it happened, the dumber his bullies looked. He could understand getting a laugh at it, but to yuck it up all day long? Imagine being that easily amused.

At lunch, he divided his attention between a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and his first period homework assignment. In the back of his mind, he was thinking about VD. It was coming up in a few days, and he was starting to wonder what to get his friends and family. He wanted it to be special, not dumb card or a nasty strawberry flavored lolipop shaped like a heart. He was still thinking it over when he got to his post-school baking club.

Then it hit him.

Duh!

Chocolate. Everyone loves chocolate. He'd make chocolates for all the homies, even the ones who picked on him today, because love is the spirit of Valentine's Day, is it not? He needed to make a list of everyone he had to bake for.

Perching on a stool at the counter, he whipped out a fresh slice of paper, plucked a pencil from a cup, and got to work.

When he was finished, he had eighteen names.

Mom

Dad

Lincoln

Mr. and Mrs. Loud

Lily

Lisa

Lana

Lola

Lucy

Lynn

Luan

Luna

Leni

Lori

Sid

Stella

Liam

Ronnie Anne

Was he forgetting anybody? He had extended family on both sides, but Valentine's Day wasn't really an extended family kind of deal. Grandma would send a Christmas card and some money, but nothing on Valentine's Day, so he could skip them.

Alrighty then, the stage was set.

But what to make?

While he could bake a bunch of one item and pass it out amongst everyone, he didn't wanna do that. He wanted each person's treat to be special and unique. He thoughtfully stroked his chin and thought of everyone on his list. Obviously, he was going to do something wrestling themed for Dad….and maybe something eighties for Mom. What, though? Hmmm. He didn't have the slightest idea. He did, however, have an idea of what he was going to do for his old pals the Loud sisters.

That day just so happened to be freeform baking, in which you get to do whatever you wanted. The rest of the week, you have to do what the teacher told you to, but today was wide open. He grabbed a bunch of ingredients and utensils, and got to work. By the end of the period, he had Leni and Lola's treats.

Gangsta.

Packing them into Tupperware containers, he jammed them in his backpack and walked home through the frosty late afternoon twilight. Since he went to his baking class on Wednesdays, he didn't bake with Mr. Loud, so instead of stopping by 1216, he went straight home. Dad was passed out in front of ECW Hardcore Heaven 2000, where Rob Van Dam squared off with Jerry Lynn. Mom was nowhere to be found, but the faint strains of Careless Whisper drifted down the stairs, which told him she was doing yoga in her bedroom. Probably dressed like Jane Fonda in Spandex and leg warmers.

A shiver of revulsion streaked down Johnny's spine.

In the kitchen, he pulled on a floral print apron with KISS THE COOK across the chest, oven mitts, and a hairnet, and started mixing, baking, pouring, and sweetening. At one point, he had all four burners going (melting white chocolate on one, caramel on the second, dark chocolate on the third, and milk chocolate on the last). The warm smell of brownies and fudge seasoned the air, and as expected,

Lincoln came in after a while and asked what was up. Johnny told him about his plans. "Dude, that's genius," he said. "I was sweating what I was going to get Maggie." He patted his pockets. "I'm flat broke."

"Why?" Johnny asked.

Lincoln shrugged.

Huh. Lincoln was usually really good with his money, but whatever, Johnny wasn't his CPA. He nodded to the table and said, "Drag over a chair."

Grabbing a chair, Lincoln pulled it over and jumped on. "What are you gonna make her?" Johnny asked.

"I don't know," Lincoln said, looking at all of the pans and ingredients. "She likes that chocolate covered fruit crap from Edible Arrangments."

Johnny nodded to the fruit bowl. "Right there."

Lincoln grabbed some fruit, cut it into pieces, and dipped it into a bubbling pot of chocoolate. He helped Johnny with a few other things, then knocked off to take a bath and get read for bed.

Dad came shuffling in and scratching his butt, his eyes bleary with sleep. "What smells good?" he asked.

"You'll find out soon."

"How soon?"

Johnny counted in his head. "Four days."

"Four days?" Dad whined. "I wanna find out now."

"Sorry, Chief."

Dad slumped his shoulders, turned around, and stalked sullenly into the living room, saying something about watching Wrestlemania X7.

No sooner had he left than Mom came in wearing leggings and an oversized T-shirt with FRANKIE SAYS RELAX across the chest. "Ooooh, something smells tubular, honey." She went to pluck a brownie from a plate but Johnny swatted her hand away.

"No," he scolded. "Those are not for right now."

Mom held her hand to her chest like he broke it and favored him with a hard glower that looked so much like the ones Lincoln gave him that it made him cringe. She slunk off without punishing him so he was able to keep going. Finally, around ten, he knocked off for the day. In his room, Lincoln sat up in bed and silently read a comic book. Johnny dropped into the chair and let out a weary sigh. "What'cha reading?"

"The Stand."

Johnny's brow crinkled and he searched his memory. "Isn't that the really long movie with Molly Ringwald you made me watch?"

"Yes," Lincoln said simply.

"Man, that movie sucked. That CGI hand...c'mon. Can you say deus ex machina?"

Lincoln flipped the page and ignored him.

Feeling ornery, Johnny pressed on. "And that guy with the mullet. Kind of hard to take someone seriously as the devil when he looks like a low-rent Billy Ray Cyrus. Oh, and moon dude...he sounds just like Patrick." He laughed.

"He is Patrick," Lincoln said.

"The old black lady...what was her name?...she reminds me of Grandma. I kept expecting her to tell Billy Ray to go cut her a switch."

Lincoln sighed and sat his comic in his lap. "I'm trying to read here."

"Okay, okay," Johnny said and held hands up, palms facing out, "sheesh."

The next day, Johnny wore his Valentine's bag again just so everyone knew their taunts and insults had no affect on him. In art class, he made a card box out of cardboard and paper mache and brought it to his homeroom class for the big yearly card exchange. He went around the room stuffing cards and candy into other people's boxes, all the while keeping an eye on his own to make sure his classmates paid proper tribute. If they didn't, he would literally reach into their box and take his candy back, no questions asked.

Later, he hooked up with Mr. Loud and they made a bunch of chocolatey confections at Johnny's suggestion. Hey, he figured while he had help, he'd use it. As always, all of the younger Loud girls made excuses to come in and see him. "I love your bag," Lola said and batted her eyelashes, "it's super cute."

"It's kind of girly," Lana said, "but that he's wearing it proves he's all man."

Johnny threw his head back. "Finally someone gets it. Thank you, Lana."

Lana blushed. "You're welcome, Johnny."

"What are you making?" Lucy asked, startling him. She stood beside him with her hands clasped behind her back and her eyes, of course, hidden behind her bangs.

"Fudge," he said.

"Can I have a piece?"

He broke off a little bit and handed it to her, then some to Lana and Lola. "Thanks, Johnny," they said in unison.

Around eight, Johnny packed his treats up and went home. Dad was already in bed and Mom was clipping coupons for her weekly trip to the grocery store. Upstairs, Lincoln was reading The Stand, and Johnny had to pick on him. "They remade that movie, didn't they?"

"Yes," Lincoln grumbled.

"I hear it was total garbage and everyone hated it."

"You heard correct."

"Someone said mullet dude had a Johnny Bravo haircut."

Lincoln sighed. "Yes, he did, now leave me alone."

Fine then. See if you get any treats.

Loser.

On Valentine's Day, Johnny loaded down a couple tupperware containers and took them to school. On the way, he handed one to Ronnie Anne, who met him and Lincoln at the corner of Franklin and Revere. "Here you go, lamette," he said.

"What is it?" she asked suspiciously.

"A chocolate churro with eclair filling."

Ronnie Anne lifted her brow, then pulled the lid off and took a tentative whiff. Gripping the churro with her thumb and forefinger like she was afraid it was dirty, she said, "If this is a trick, you're dead, lame-o."

"No trick," Johnny assured her, "just treat."

For a second, Ronnie Anne just looked at him, then took a hesitant bite. Johnny watched her face to judge her reaction, and when her eyebrows shot up, he grinned. "This is actually really good," she said. "Nice job, lame-o."

At lunch, he passed out his lunch group's treats. Stella liked to eat healthy, so for her he made dark chocolate rice cakes with caramel drizzle and low fat chocolate chips. SId got a chunk of peanut butter fudge, and for Liam, gingerbread men made up to look like farmers. "Boy howdy, this sure is good," he said.

"I know," Johnny beamed. He turned to Sid and Stella. "Still laughing?"

No, they weren't; they were too busy scarfing up his baked goods.

After school, Johnny went home and got the rest of the stuff, giving Mom and Dad theirs before going over to the Loud house. Dad's was a giant fudge cookie with NWO on it and Mom's a batch of cupcakes each with an intricately designed eighties album cover drawn in frosting. "These are too pretty to eat," she said, then crammed one into her face anyway.

At the Loud house, Johnny gathered all of the Louds into the living room and handed out their treats like a black Santa.

For Lori: A dark chocolate square with lines of brown drizzled on top. It looked almost too good to hand over and giving it up hurt Johnny emotionally. "This literally looks like the best thing ever," Lori said.

Leni: A white chocolate and coconut concoction in the shape of pearls. "Ummm, yummy."

Luna: English toffee because she loved Britain so much. Broken shards of mahogany and sepia Each piece in beveled with silvered and crushed bits of brown and white. "Rockin gift, Johnny."

Luan: Chocolate filled banana cream pie with ridges around the circumference surrounded a dent in the center filled by a cute button of white. "I'm definitely not throwing this at anyone's face. Just my stomach. Hahahaha."

Lynn: Normal milk chocolate decorated with dips of black and white overlapping each other in a crisscross pattern with a patch of green, a bright stem stood proudly from the top or being swallowed by the ground from it the shape taped it down a curved length ending in a rounded Point like a finger, Chocolate filled with jalapeno. "Hmmm, I love spicy food."

Lucy: Dark chocolate in the shape of bats with red corn syrup inside of them with a bit of jam. When she took a bite, the bat appeared to bleed. "Wicked," she said with a red smile.

Lana: Johnny called it puppy chow., Muddy Buddies and monkey munch a treat made of cereal chocolate peanut butter and powdered sugar.

Lola: Chocolate truffles, they're pink red and white they're made to look like glitter. Her eyes widened and she gave a giddy smile. "Pretty and fancy...just like me."

Lisa: Chocolate rectangles filled with ice cream made with liquid nitrogen. "I almost froze my finger off making that ice cream," Johnny said. Lisa was already eating it so she didn't reply.

Lily: Little tiny milk chocolate hearts. "Wank woo," she said and took one.

For Mr. and Mrs. Loud: A sheet cake with a picture from their wedding on it.

Lincoln: Ten bucks.

"Dude, how did you know?" Lincoln asked and pocketed the bill.

"I have my ways," Johnny said, "now tell me I'm the best."

Everyone replied around mouthfuls of food.

With every bite of their chocolate, the younger Loud girls looked at him a little more, uh, extra, and when they were done, they all clustered around him in a big group. "That was really good, Johnny," Lola purred.

Uh-oh.

"Warm, brown, and sweet," Lucy said, then blushed. "Just like you."

Johnny shot a stricken look at Lincoln. Lincoln looked like he didn't want to get involved. "I gotta go give Maggie her stuff, bye."

With that, he took his leave, abandoning Johnny to the mercy of the Loud girls.

"I HATE YOU, LINCOLN!" he yelled.

The END.