Chapter 47: Lincoln and Johnny's New Bros

Johnny V-Dogg, as he wished to be known that week, was the oldest brother of the V-Dogg family...which wasn't that big an accomplishment, tbh, since he only had to beat out one other guy for that title. As the oldest, he was endowed by his creators with certain inalienable rights, such as the right to LOOK AFTER YOUR LITTLE BROTHER and the right to WAIT A SECOND, LINCOLN GOES FIRST BECAUSE HE'S YOUNGER. Johnny loved his bro but played second mother to him and being Mom's middle management guy got really old after a while. His parents expected him to be some kind of role model for Lincoln and to always have his back no matter what. If Lincoln talked mad smack to somebody and got jumped by six dudes, Johnny was compelled to wade in and get beat up too. If Lincoln had a problem, Johnny was supposed to use all the wisdom his extra year on earth had given him to make it all better. Basically, he was supposed to be Lincoln's therapist, life coach, bodyguard, cook, maid, and guardian angel.

What about his needs, tho? Who was supposed to be his Big Bro? Despite what you might think, Johnny wasn't a sage and he wasn't a grown man. He was a dumb, rudderless kid like Lincoln. He could barely guide his own life much less someone else's.

Since time out of mind, he had wondered what it would be like to have a big brother of his own, someone older and wiser who could help him with his problems and always have his six. Sure, there was Dad, but he wasn't exactly the kind of guy you brought your minor kid problems too. He was a good man and loved his family, but he was gruff and old school. If you told him a girl broke your heart, he'd say "Man up and walk it off." He meant well but that ain't it, Chief. Johnny got it. In Dad's day, no one cared about men and their feelings, even other men. You were tough and kept your emotions inside because no one gave a rat's behind, so why would you let it out? This was 2021, though, we live in a liberal society that does care. No one constantly dunks on men, ignores their mental health issues, custody rights, and broader issues. No one obsesses over girls' body image problems then turns around and makes fun of boys by saying they have a small penis. Nope, uh-uh. We live in a world where men can cry, pout, and talk about their problems, and no one is going to silence or insult them.

Okay, lol, you got me. Men still get bagged on for sharing their feelings. Other men call them sissies, women say they're too privileged to be allowed to have problems, and...yeah, it's not a good look. That's why having an older brother would come in handy. Johnny could just bellyache to him and he'd listen.

Unbeknownst to him, Lincoln was thinking the same thing...only in reverse. He was tired of being the baby of the family, the low man on the totem pole, if you will. He wanted a younger brother he could share his knowledge with, someone who would look up to him and make him feel like a big man. One night, he and Johnny were in their room at the Loud house, where they had been staying since a tornado destroyed their own home, Lincoln stretched out on the bed with his hands laced behind his head and Johnny at the computer. Johnny's birthday was coming up and he'd been thinking long and hard about what he wanted. "You know what I want?" he asked.
"An older brother."

"Ew, why?" Lincoln asked.

Johnny explained his reasoning and Lincoln blew a raspberry. "Trust me, being mama's little boy isn't all it's cracked up to be. I want a younger brother."

"Oh, great," Johnny said sarcastically, "another little punk to look after."

Lincoln shot him a dirty look and he smiled nervously. "No offense.'

The white-haired white boy opened his mouth to speak, but his face lit up and he practically thrust his finger into the air and cried eureka. "I got it," he said.

"Got what?" Johnny asked,

Lincoln sat up with an excited bounce. He slapped his hands on either side of him and leaned forward, eyes as big as dinner plates. Johnny drew back. "Dude, you're creeping me out."

Ignoring him, Lincoln said, "What if we had two brothers?"

"Two brothers?" Johnny asked and raised his brow critically.

Lincoln nodded. "Yeah. An older brother for you and a younger brother for me."

Huh. Now there was an idea. Lincoln could get what he wanted and Johnny could get what he wanted. Plus, with two extra brothers, Johnny wouldn't be in the dreaded MIDDLE CHILD position, he'd be one of two middle children, him and Linc. He sat back in his chair and stroked his chin like a college professor considering a particularly difficult equation. "Two brothers, you say?"

The world got all shimmery like a mirage in the desert. Lincoln's eager response echoed as though it were coming from the end of a long hallway, and Johnny began to grin

Johnny Velazquest woke to the sound of his alarm at 8am sharp on a Saturday morning in late May. Golden sunshine streamed through the window and lay across his chest in a warm bar, and the quiet whisper of the central cooling system lulled him from his sleep. This did not strike him as strange even though it should have; his house didn't have central A/C and his family had to rely on ancient window units to "keep cool" which often meant "keeping slightly cooler than it was outside." Nor, for that matter, did his surroundings stand out to him. His room, A queen sized bed sat against a far wall next to a state of the art gaming system and Johnny himself lay in one bunk of a triple decker rig.

He sat up and stretched, his eyes going to the high-tech computer/video gaming set up on the other side of the room. It even had a plasma screen TV and an X-Station 17000 - it was called the 17000 because that's how much it cost.

Warm, happy feelings wrapped themselves around Johnny like a hug and he let out a contented sigh. Wasn't life great?

Throwing the covers off, Johnny swung his legs over the side of the bed and got up. Even the carpet was softer.

In the hallway, the bathroom door was closed and light shone from the crack beneath. Johnny crossed his arms and waited, one foot impatiently tapping the floor. With three brothers, there was always someone in the bathroom unless you hit it super early or super late. Johnny liked sleeping in so he always got the short end of the stick. Oh well. It wasn't a big deal. He didn't spazz out over dumb stuff like some alternate Johnny in anoher reality might. He was a normal and well-adjusted kid and waiting a little while to pee was not something to get upset about.

The door opened and a slight black boy with white hair, freckles, and a big nose stepped out, his hands going to his hips; he looked like he was letting Johnny get a good look at him. He wore a gray military style jacket just like Lincoln's, jeans with the cuffs rolled up, and a white pair of Addais. Speaking of Lincoln, he looked a lot like him, only his hair was spiky, reminding Johnny of Bart Simpson. "What up, Warren?" Johnny asked.

"My dental hygiene," Warren said and smiled, his front tooth literally sparkling.

Warren was closest in age to Johnny and Lincoln so he was a perfect, almost contrived mix of both. He had Lincoln's head for numbers and Johnny's weaponized coolness. He loved horror movies like Lincoln and cat videos like Johnny. He also thought pro wrestling was dumb and endlessly trolled Dave Meltzer, Bruce Mitchell, and Tony Khan on Twitter. One time he literally made Bruce Mitchell rage quit and after tying AN ANGRY RESPONSE IN ALL CAPS. Seriously, this kid was lit. His main passion in life was gymnastics. He could do backflips and stuff like that and his form was perfect. Last year, he went to the national gymnastics championship in Washington, DC and won third place out of a field of almost 500. He met President Biden and there was a picture out there of Biden sniffing Warren's hair from behind.

Of his brothers, Warren was closest to Lincoln. Even though Lincoln was only a year older than Warren, he was Warren's Big Bro, teaching him, giving him advice, and training him to one day be just as cool as him. For his part, Warren looked up to Lincoln like a little puppy dog and was constantly hanging with him. If he needed something, Warren went straight to Lincoln, bypassing Mom and Dad completely, and Lincoln was very protective of him. Johnny once watched him beat the ever loving daylights out of three teenagers for picking on Warren. It was the closest thing to a triple homicide Johnny hoped to see. Lincoln loved his little brother so much that he gave him his prized stuffed rabbit Bun-Bun. Now that might not sound like a big deal, but trust Johnny, it was. That rabbit was Lincoln's best friend and helped him through many a night terror. Even into middle school, Lincoln shoved BB into his backpack "for good luck" and snuggled with it at night.

Of course, Warren didn't want or need a girly rabbit plush, but it was the principle of the thing, you know?

As if drawn by some magical magnetism, Lincoln came out of his bedroom in the exact same outfit Warren was wearing. He came over, wrapped his arm around Warren's shoulders, and gave him a noogie. Warren laughed and squinted one eye. "You ready to learn how to catch a baseball?"

"I sure am!"

Lincoln circled his arm around Warren's shoulder and they went off together. Johnny used the can, brushed his teeth, and went back to his bedroom, where he dressed for the day in his normal attire: Good fashion is universal.

Grabbing his backpack, he went downstairs. Mom and Dad sat at the table with Eddie, the oldest of the Velazquest kids. Tall and cut like one of the pro wrestlers Dad loved so much, Eddie was seventeen and the coolest guy ever. He wore his hair in a bushy black afro that covered his eyes and was dressed in a black T-shirt that strained against his bulging muscles. He drove a Plymouth Barracuda that Lincoln, Johnny, and Warren helped him restore and dated a cute thicc white girl he met at the gas station. He loved his brothers even though he called them dorks and wanted to be an MMA fighter one day.

"Hey, bro," Johnny said and grabbed a drink.

"Hey," Eddie said.

Afterward, Johnny went out into the backyard and watched Lincoln and Warren throw a baseball back and forth. Some things never change and one of those was Johnny's love of making money. He had the perfect idea for a new scam, but he needed help. He called Lincoln and Warren over told them what was up. Lincoln was 100 percent onboard but Warren looked anxious. He bit his bottom lip and looked up at his big brother. Seeing his enthusiasm, he calmed down. If Lincoln liked the idea, it had to be good.

"Let's do it," Johnny said.

Later that day, Johnny, Warren, and Lincoln walked home. Warren glanced nervously over his shoulder and Lincoln drummed his fingers restlessly on his outer thigh. "Will you guys relax? We're in the clear."

Just then, the sound of running footsteps filled Johnny's ears. Warren turned around and his eyes widened with horror.

Uh-oh.

Johnny and Lincoln turned just as Hank and Hawk strode up, their arms as big around as tree trunks.

They looked mad.

"Uh, hey, guys," Lincoln said, "long time no see."

That wasn't exactly true. They had just seen Hank and Hawk when they scammed them a little while ago.

"We got unfinished business, runts," Hank said and cracked his knuckles."

"Yeah, your about to take a ride on the pain train." Hawk added.

The trio gulped and made a run for it. All three of them were lithe and quick, but when Johnny looked back, Hank and Hawk were gaining on them. "RUN!" he screamed. The Velazquests ran faster and pulled away, narrowly avoiding Hawk's clutches.

"Follow me," Lincoln said. He cut off the street and ran into someone's backyard. Warren and Johnny followed. Lincoln jumped over a lawn chair then scrambled over a wood stockade fence. Johnny boosted Warren over them climbed over himself. They were halfway to a line of shrubs separating this yard from the next when Hank and Hawk exploded through the fence in a shower of nails and splinters. Johnny wailed and Lincoln dove through the bushes.

"We gotta hide," Johnny said.

Warren looked around. "We're almost home. Hurry."

A few minutes later, they stumbled into their backyard. Eddie was on his weight bench lifting weights. He wore a black short sleeve shirt, black and gray cargo pants, blue soap shoes, and an orange hoodie around his waist.

Lincoln skidded to a halt at Eddie's side, Johnny and Warren behind him. "Eddie! We've got a code orange!"

"Angry bullies?"

Hawk's voice rang out. "Hey, where'd they go?"

Lincoln turned to see the top of Hank and Hawk's head over the shrubs.

Eddie sighed, "Hop in my car."

Lincoln, Johnny and Warren jumped into the back of the car and hunkered down in the footwell behind the passenger seat. Lincoln pulled the door closed and Johnny shifted, trying to get Warren's bony elbow out of his side. "Move," he whispered.

"I can't," Warren said, "your fat butt's pinning me down."

"You little puke, I don't have a fat butt."

No sooner had the words left his mouth than an open hand came down on the back of his head, rocking it forward. "Don't call him a puke," Lincoln ordered.

"Do that again," Johnny said, "and I'll throw you out for Hank and Hawk to get."

"And I'll throw you out," Warren threatened.

The muffled sound of Hank and Hawk's voices silenced them. Outside, they stood over Eddie, who was benching his weights again and acting like nothing had happened. "Hey, did you see a couple of kids run by here?" Hank asked.

"Yeah, we're gonna smash them," Hawk said and punched his fist.

Hank shot him a dirty look. "Shhhh," he hissed.

Eddie put the weight back on it's rack and sat up. "Are you asking for me to help you so you can beat up a couple of kids?"

Hank lifted his hands defensively, "No! Well not no I mean-"

Eddie got up, towering over them, and crossed his arms. "They ran by. Said something about going into the city. Now get off my properly."

The two punks scrambled to get out of there.

When they were gone, Eddie opened the car door and his three brothers spilled out onto the ground. "They're gone."

They were so happy that they jumped on Eddie, knocking him to the ground. "Dogpile! Thanks for the help! You saved us!"

Eddie smirked. "No prob. Mind telling me why they were chasing you?"

No one replied, but everyone looked guilty.

"Someone gonna talk?" Eddie asked.

Suddenly they were talking over each other, pointing fingers and trying to pawn the blame off on each other. Eddie grabbed Johnny and Lincoln both in a headlock and held them in place. "What have I told you two about scamming people? Huh? You're gonna yourselves killed."

"What's going on out here?" Dad called from the back porch and the boys all separated.

"Nothing," they said in unison.

Dad gave them the evil eye then said, "There's food."

Inside, the family sat down at the kitchen table, which was laid out with a feast from Burger Blast. Mom and Dad had some burgers, Johnny and Eddie both had a 4 by 4 animal style burger, Warren had onion rings, chili fries and a mini Blast, Lincoln had nuggets and two Big Blast burgers, and each one had a large chocolate shake.

As they ate, Warren excitedly recounted his and his brothers' great escape from the bullies, artfully leaving out the part where they brought the whole situation on themselves in the first place. "And then we jumped over a fence. Johnny gave me a boost but I didn't need it. I should have done some gymnastics moves. It would have made their heads explode." His eyes were wide and excited energy coursed through him like a power surge, making him tremble.

"Sounds tiring," Dad said around a mouthful of food.

"Yeah," Eddie said, "it does."

"Then Eddie helped us," Warren said, "I thought he was going to beat them up. Why didn't you beat them up? You could have smashed them into the ground easy I bet."

Eddie took a drink of his shake. "They're, like, eighth graders. I'm not going to beat up a couple of middle school kids. Like I always say -"

All three of his brothers cut him off with his oft-repeated mantra. "Just because you can fight doesn't mean you should."

"Exactly," Eddie said. "Fighting isn't something you just do. It comes with consequences and nine times out of ten, they just aren't worth it."

Warren stared down at what was left of his food. "I guess...but still, you could have whipped them with one hand tied behind your back."

After dinner, the boys went out back and played a game of flag football, Johnny and Warren on one team and Johnny and Eddie on the other. Warren was fast but Johnny managed to yank his flag off and celebrated so hard that Eddie, his own teammate, called a foul on him. "Excessive celebration," he said. "You gotta be a little more humble, dude. No one likes a sore winner."

That night, the boys did their normal routine (shower, brushing, etc) and gathered in their shared bedroom. Lincoln, Johnny, and Warren climbed into their triple bunk bed and Eddie stretched out on his queen sized bed texting with his gf. They all talked and joked until Mom came in and turned the lights off. She gave each one of them a kiss on the forehead and then left the room. It was the perfect ending to the perfect day and before he nodded off, Johnny thought it doesn't get much better than this.

On Monday morning, the brothers got up for the day at 6am and tag-teamed the bathroom. Johnny sat on the toilet to pee and tucked his thing in so no one saw it, Warren showered, and Lincoln brushed his teeth. Eddie came couldn't help but let a small smirk grow across his face as he stood behind his baby brother and reached for his electric razor. The buzz of the motor drowned out any other noise in the room, even Warren's off-key singing

Something tickled the top of Lincoln's head and brushed it off.

Eddie cut the razor and studied his face in the mirror for a moment, then chuckled at the massive chunks of facial hair still left on his face.

"Dude, you got your beard shaving in my hair." Lincoln said.

Eddie's smile vanished. "Whoops, sorry, my bad." He grabbed a face cloth, wetted it with warm water, and knelt down to eye level with Lincoln. He gently rubbed his little bro's hair. At first, Lincoln tried to pull away, but having his scalp massaged felt really good and by the end of it, he was tapping the floor like a dog getting its belly scratched. "There, all handsome for Maggie."

Lincoln blushed at the mention of Maggie.

Later, the boys all piled into Eddie's car for the trip to school, Johnny riding shotgun. They backed out of the driveway and swung right, pulling up beside the Loud girll who were walking toward school in a big group. Eddie stuck his head out the window. "I'd give you guys a ride if I could," he said.

"Eh, it's fine," Lori said.

"Ready for the SAT?"

Lori shrugged one shoulder. "As I'll ever be."

Leni tapped her index finger to her chin. "We're getting a cat?"

"Anyway," Eddie said, "see you."

At school, Eddie dropped Lincoln, Johnny, and Warren off and he and Johnny did a super secret handshake that only they knew. "Take it easy, bro," Eddie said.

"Later."

Eddie drove off.

Just then, the Loud girls showed up, and Lucy, Lana, Lola, and Lisa clustered around him with big, love drunk eyes. Lynn stood off to one side, pretending she didn't like him just as much as the others did. Maggie appeared and she and Lincoln held hands.

Warren drew a heavy sigh. "Will I ever get a girlfriend?"

They all started inside. Cookie walked up to Warren and batted her eyelashes. "Hey, Warren," she purred.

"Not now, I'm sulking."

He brushed past her and she looked after him, determination in her eyes. One day, she thought, she'd get him to notice her.

One day…

On his way to work at the Burger Blast in the Royal Mills Mall food court, Eddie spotted his girlfriend Quinlan walking down the sidewalk in a yellow dress, black jacket, and black boots. She was brunette with sunglasses on top of her head. He pulled up beside her and rolled down the window. "Hey, cutie."

She jumped and shot him a timid glance. When she realized who it was, she relaxed and got in. "Hey," she said. Quinlan was beautiful and curvaceous but very shy and quiet. She was greatly intelligent and hated that people only saw her outer beauty. Eddie saw her inner beauty and loved her for her. It didn't hurt that she was hot, but he'd rather a good hearted ugly girl than a smoking hot bitch any day.

"Going to work?" he asked.

She worked at Forever 21 near the food court. They met when she came by to get a burger one day. They flirted and exchanged numbers.

"Yeah, my shift starts early today."

"Lame."

She laughed. "I know."

Putting his arm around her, they drove off, and for once, all was right with the world.

"Dude," Johnny said in the here and now, "that would be so awesome."

"Right?" Lincoln asked. He drew a cumbersome sigh and hung his head. "But it'll never be."

The story of their two brothers - to which Lincoln and Johnny both had contributed - seemed so vivid and lifelike after a while that now, once it was over, Johnny had a deep, gut-wrenching sense of loss. It didn't feel like he was pining for what could be but rather mourning something that had been but was no more. Having an older brother was sweet and so too was having Warren. He saw his sadness reflected on Lincoln's face and took a deep breath.

"It would probably suck, to be honest," Johnny said. "Eddie would pick on us and Warren would be a spoiled little brat."

Lincoln looked at him funny, then realized what he was doing: Convincing himself that having two extra brothers would suck as a way of mitigating his sadness. "Yeah," Lincoln said, joining in, "they'd probably like wrestling."

They both shivered.

In that case, screw having brothers.

But what if?