Chapter 48: A Fair to Remember

Lincoln liked to think he knew a fair amount about many topics. He fancied himself sort of a jack of all trades, master of none. To him, knowing a little bit about everything was better than knowing a frick ton about one thing. He had a grasp of professional wrestling, history, crime, sociology, science, and just about any other field you could think of. One of the new ones he had was just beginning to dip his toes into was girls.

Now, Lincoln had always been of the mind that girls were just like boys, that the genders were 100 percent interchangeable with very few differences between them. Boys had penises, girls had vaginas, and that's kind of where it ended.

That was wrong.

Look, if you think that you can add a penis to a boy and suddenly he's a girl or that you can subtract a vagina from a girl and turn her into a boy, you're not very smart. There are a ton of other factors to consider, such as biology, hormones, and societal influence. That's not to say that one gender is better than the other, or that every girl is a certain way while every boy is another way. Of course not, intellectual generalizations are stupid and anyone who engages in them is a smooth brain who's too feeble to understand nuisance, context, and anything else that isn't hamfisted and in your face. People say that there is a difference between "sex" and "gender." Okay, maybe they're right, but there's also a difference between males and females and you can't use a tiny minority of women who can bench press 500 pounds or the one time that "man" gave birth to argue otherwise. Men and women developed differently because of evolution, both social and physical. Was that social evolution always fair? Heck no, but…

Whatever, he was rambling. The point is: Before he started dating Maggie, and before he and his family moved in with the Louds, Lincoln thought that everyone was the same and that any differences between them were superficial and imposed by some kind of fascist conspiracy to keep women down. But hey, that's public education for you. Living with ten girls really opened Lincoln's eyes. The Loud girls were all different people and only two or three were traditionally girly, but there were some marked similarities. For instance, they were more touchy feely than boys, which was both a good thing and a bad thing. If Lincoln fell down and hurt himself, they would be right there to ask if he was okay and help him out, something Johnny would never do ("Man up," John would say).

On the flip side, they all got offended over seemingly nothing at all. They also weren't as direct as boys. If Johnny had a new paper bag and wanted a compliment, he's straight say "Look at my new paper bag, isn't it sick?" Lola would walk back and forth in front of you, bat her eyelashes, and expect you to just notice. If you didn't, she'd get mad. Like sorry I didn't notice your new shoes hiding up under the hem of your dress, I'm such a pig.

He could go on and on about the differences, but that wasn't really the point. The point was: He came to understand girls pretty well. Therefore, on that Friday afternoon that Lori stormed through the door from school, Lincoln knew something was wrong. They say that experienced seamen can smell ice from an iceberg. Well, Lincoln was experienced enough that he smelled smoothing rotten as she passed, and from the tears standing in her eyes and the hard set of her jaw, he thought he knew what it was.

After she had gone upstairs and slammed her door, Lincoln got up and followed. I better see how she's doing. He climbed the steps and hit the loo before turning up outside her room. He took a deep breath and knocked.

"What?" Lori snapped.

Lincoln fell back a step and seriously considered running away. The only thing that stopped him was friendship. It's magic, you know. Lori was his homie and call Lincoln what you will, but when one of his homies had a problem, he'd solve it.

Darn it, now he had Vanilla Ice stuck in his head.

"It's Lincoln," he said. "Uh...you okay?"

"I'm fine," she yelled. Seconds later, a loud crash sounded from behind the door and the whole house shook. "I'M JUST PEACHY!"

Crash,

Bang.

BAM!

It sounded like she was having an epic meltdown and tearing the place apart bit by bit like Plankton breaking into Mr. Krabs' safe and accidentally splitting an atom. Lincoln booked it out of there before Lori could cause a nuclear explosion and went to the park to give her time to cool down. Sid was there on her skateboard and they sat on a bench facing a concrete walkway. "Where's Johnny?" she asked.

"Don't know, don't care."

That morning, he and Johnny got into a fight over which show sucked more: WWE NXT or AEW Dynamite. That led to them insulting literally everything the other liked, wanted, and stood for, as minor disagreements usually do. Lincoln got mad and twisted Johnny's arm behind his back; Johnny responded by throwing his head back and clocking Lincoln in the nose. Lynn and Luan pulled them apart. "You're lame," Johnny yelled at him.

"You're a butt sniffing bagboi," Lincoln said, "your opinions are uniformly garbage."

Johnny thrashed against Lynn's grasp. "YOU'RE DEAD!"

"Just like your tastes."

"Lincoln, shut up," Luan commanded.

Lynn let Johnny go and he stormed out. Lincoln had seen him a few times at school but that was about it; they didn't even eat lunch together.

Part of Lincoln felt bad, but a bigger part of him felt like Johnny deserved it. Like, come on, how are you going to keep comparing Dynamite's ratings to NXT's? NXT was WWE's third string developmental promotion where young wrestlers went to learn. Dynamite was AEW's flagship show. Their ratings should be higher than NXT's.

Of course, all wrestling sucked and barely anyone watched it, but still, get real.

Sid got up. "I gotta go. Tell him I said hi."

"Alright," Lincoln said, "later."

"Bye."

Lincoln got up and walked back to the Loud house. He passed Johnny on the stairs and they both looked away from one another with dismissive humphs. Lincoln knocked on Lori's door and got no answer, so he poked his head in.

Lori sat on her bed with her knees drawn to her chest and her head down. Her room was in ruins. Leni stood there and stared down at her overturned vanity. "Why did you have to hurt my stuff too?" she asked. "I didn't do anything to you."

"Hey, Lori," Lincoln said, "you okay?"

Leni sighed and walked out, and Lincoln went over to Lori's bed, sitting down.

"No," she said miserably.

"What happened?"

It took him a while but he managed to drag it out of her. She and Bobby had an argument and he broke up with her. "He was being totally unreasonable," she confided in him.

"Hey, it happens," Lincoln said, "it's not the end of the world."

Oh, but it was. Lori spent the entire weekend curled up in bed and crying. The one time Lincoln saw her, she was wearing a fluffy sweater and eating ice cream from a giant tub, mascara running down her face. Lincoln guessed he couldn't fault her for being upset, but come on, go and fix your makeup, girl, it's just a break-up, girl…

Darn it, now he had some dumb country song stuck in his head.

On Sunday night, as they lay in their bunks, Lincoln and Johnny spoke for the first time in days. "We need to do something for Lori," Johnny said. "I hate seeing her like this more than I hate you."

"Yeah, her being so broken up is even worse than you being a moron. What should we do?"

"I'll talk to her tomorrow," Johnny said, "you talk to Bobby. If we're lucky, we can get them back together."

Lincoln hummed. "For once, you have a good idea."

"For once you recognize a superior opinion instead of shoving your head up your butt."

Whatever, John.

The next morning, Lincoln woke to the alarm on his phone and climbed down from the top bunk; at first he was as quiet as he could possibly be to avoid waking Johnny, but then he remembered their argument and gave up. Screw him.

Because Lincoln liked showering in the morning before school, he set his alarm early to beat the Loud girls to the punch. Lynn was usually first, since she got up early and jogged around the neighborhood before breakfast, but today the bathroom was dark and empty when he rolled up, lit only by the feeble flicker of a nightlight.

Lincoln showered, brushed, and gargled with mouthwash, then combed and slicked back his hair. By the time he was done, a line had formed outside the door. "It's all yours," he told Lola.

"Finally," she snipped, "you take longer than I do."

Ha, okay then, Little Miss 2 Hours.

Downstairs, Lincoln poured himself a bowl of cereal, topped it with milk, and sat at the dining room table. His original plan was to drop by Ronnie Anne's place on his way to school to hopefully talk with Bobby on the walk to school, but he got out of the house too late. He'd swing by this afternoon after school, he decided.

It was raining when he left the house, and he held his backpack over his head to preserve his hair. At school, he did his normal thing - looking good, breaking hearts, and getting high marks - while Johnny presumably did his; namely, stinking up every classroom he was in. They met only once in the hall, Lincoln on his way to the bathroom and Johnny on his way to annoy someone, and they each shot the other an icy glare. Lincoln sat at their normal table during lunch, with Sid, Stella, and Liam, and Johnny came over, sitting across from him. "You still gonna talk to Bobby?"

Lincoln nodded. "Yeah, later on. You got Lori?"

"I hope," Johnny said. "I don't even know what to say to her. It's nor that serious."

"To her it is," Lincoln said.

"Well, no dip," Johnny said. "But how do I, like, relate to it?"

Lincoln opened his mouth but closed it again when he realized that he didn't know. He had never suffered heartbreak himself and didn't think he would be as upset as she was if he ever did. "Just...I don't know, realize she's hurt and broken up. I really can't say. You just gotta play it by ear."

Johnny rolled his eyes.

When the final bell of the day released Lincoln from his scholarly duties, he shoved his things into his locker and left through the side door. Two blocks west of the school, he caught up with Ronnie Anne. "Hey," he said and drew alongside her, "how's it going?"

"Uh, good," she said guardedly.

"Cool. I wanna talk to Bobby so I'm just gonna tag along with you, okay?"

She looked at him like he was crazy. "Okay, I guess."

They walked in silence for a while. "Where's your brother?" Ronnie Anne asked suddenly. They were two blocks away from her house.

"I dunno," Lincoln said, "probably being a dweeb somewhere."

She snorted. "Probably?"

Lincoln laughed harshly. "Right?"

When they reached Ronnie Anne's house, she whipped a key out and unlocked the front door. Bobby's room was at the end of the hall on the right. The door was open and the Hispanic lay back on his bed and stared at the TV, a game controller in his hands. Lincoln's eyes went to the screen and widened. "Dude, you have Steal That Car: Lancaster PA?"

Bobby looked at him and a flicker of confusion crossed his face. He and Lincoln had only met in passing a few times and had barely exchanged two words. "Yeah," Bobby said at length, "I got it the other day."

"Dude, I've been wanting to play that game forever. I hear you can trample people to death with horse-drawn buggies."

A knowing smile spread across Bobby's lips. "Yeah, man, it's pretty sick."

Lincoln walked over and sat down on the foot of the bed. "Is it true that the Amish cops carry muskets and flintlock pistols?"

"Here," Bobby said and handed him the controller, "why don't you find out for yourself?"

Don't mind if I do! Lincoln took the controller and looked up at the screen where the game's avatar, an Amish man complete with straw hat and neckbeard, stood in a cornfield. Lincoln cycled through his weapons until he found a musket. "Sick," he said. He went off to find a victim and came across a barn raising in progress. He aimed at one of the men and fired. His character reloaded - using a ramrod and everything - while everyone else ran away. The police - in buggies - rolled up and Lincoln fired again. He ran over, dragged one of the cops out of the buggy, and rode off.

Bobby laughed. "Dude, that was ballsy."

"It's kill or be killed," Lincoln said and tapped the X button; onscreen, his character snapped the reigns and the horse went faster. "And I'm not about to die."

Of course, he did, but it took a while. He led the Amish cops - and eventually the real cops - on a high speed pursuit around Lancaster before a SWAT guy killed his horse with a burst of fire from an AR-15. Lincoln got out of the buggy and gunned him down with a flintlock pistol, but a bunch of other cops took him out. He and Bobby both laughed and then high-fived. "Nice," Bobby said. "My turn."

Bobby used a cheat to give his musket a bayonet, then ran around stabbing people with it until the cops showed up, then he switched to a rocket launcher and blew them up. "Whoa," Lincoln said, "that was awesome."

They took turns playing back and forth for almost an hour, talking and laughing as they mowed through scores of innocent people. The last time Bobby died, he sat the controller down. "What did you want to talk to me about?"

Oh, right. Lincoln had been having so much fun that he totally forgot. "It's Lori," he said.

Bobby let out a sigh and hung his head. "She's really upset that you broke up with her," Lincoln said quickly. "I don't know exactly what happened, but -"

"She's not upset enough to change her ways," Bobby said.

Lincoln blinked. "Huh?"

Taking a deep breath, as though what he had to say physically hurt him, Bobby said, "Lori's got a lot of great points and...I do care about her...but she's also really demanding."

From what Bobby said, the argument began when Bobby friended a childhood friend of his on Facebook who just so happened to be a female. Lori got mad and said it was "disrespectful." She ordered him to unfriend the girl, and when he didn't, she threw a fit. He finally broke up with her. "I'm not into having someone who's jealous and controlling," Bobby said. "If that's how she's going to be, I'd rather we just not be together."

Lincoln didn't know what to say to that. He and Lori didn't discuss the details of the break up so this was the first he was hearing of this. As much as he liked Lori, she was pretty strong-willed. And that was putting it nicely. All of the Loud girls were that way, come to think of it, and that wasn't always a good thing. Lincoln believed that people should be strong and possess certain standards, but there's a fine line between that and believing that you are infallible and that everyone must bend to your superior will.

He sighed and hung his head. "I just...I don't like seeing her like this way."

Bobby flicked his eyes to his lap. The pain there was unmistakable, and Lincoln found himself feeling just as sorry for him as he did for Lori. "I know, I...I didn't want to hurt her, but I have to think about what's best for me, you know? And I'm not sure Lori is it. It's not not that she's awful or anything, we just probably won't work."

"I get it," Lincoln said.

They were both silent for a moment, then Bobby handed him the controller. "Wanna play another round?"

Yes...Lincoln did.

At the same time this was happening, Johnny was working on Lori. She lay prone on her bed and faced the wall, her arms beneath her and her back rising and falling with the tide of her breathing. Johnny sat next to her, feet planted on the floor, and stared down at the carpet. He had been here for almost ten minutes and in that time, Lori had spoken barely a word. "I just wanna make sure you're okay," Johnny said.

"I'm fine," Lori mumbled.

"You don't sound fine," Johnny said. An awkward pause followed and he rubbed the back of his neck. "Look, you...you mean a lot to me...as a friend...and I'm worried about you. Seeing you this upset bothers me and I just wish you'd at least talk about it."

Lori rolled onto her back and sighed. "What do you want me to say, Johnny?"

"Open up," Johnny said.

"Fine," Lori said.

She told him everything that had happened between her and Bobby. They started dating eight months ago and at first, everything was fine, but then he started paying less and less attention to her. Last week, he friended some girl he used to know on Facebook and had long conversations with her out in the open while barely returning her texts. She got understandably upset and when she brought it up to him, he reacted poorly and accused her of being controlling. Johnny listened intently and when she was done, and sighed. "I'd be upset too," he said. "He's talking to other girls but not to you and that's messed up."

"I know," she said and heaved a deep breath. "We just drifted apart, I guess. We were bound to break up."

The misery in her voice broke Johnny's heart and he resolved to make her feel better. Getting up, he said, "What you need is a distraction."

"No," she sighed, "I need to mope."

"No you don't," Johnny said. "You need fun, and I know just the thing." He grabbed her by the hand and pulled her to her feet. "Come on, I have just the idea."

She rolled her eyes. "Johnny, I don't want fun."

"Yes you do," Johnny said, "everyone wants fun."

"I want -"

Johnny cut her off. "You don't want to mope. You want to be happy. Everyone who's sad or depressed wants happiness. I can't give you Bobby back, but I can give you fun and friendship."

Lori considered his proposal for a moment, then nodded. "Alright, fine."

"Great, let's go."

They wound up going to Gus's. In the arcade, they played Pac-Man, Street Fighter, and Area 51. Lori loved video games more than anyone Johnny knew, and her favorites were classic arcade titles from the eighties and nineties. The lights, sounds, and music were comforting and familiar to her, and thus were bound to make her feel better.

At first she was stiff and uninterested, looking like she'd rather be anywhere else, but she gradually loosened up. In an hour, they were laughing and having fun together as they played DDR and Whack-a-Mole. When they were all tuckered out, they went over to the restaurant side and ordered a pizza. When the waitress came back to fill Johnny's drink, Johnny whispered into her ear. She nodded and rushed off. "What did you tell her?" Lori asked.

"Nothing," Johnny said innocently.

Lori cocked her brow. "You said something."

Soon enough, she saw. A line of Gus's employees filed out of the back, the lead one holding a cake and the others clapping. Everyone turned to look and Lori blushed. "What did you do?"

"I told them it was your birthday/"

Lori's jaw dropped. "Johnny."

She was smiling though.

The employees surrounded the table and sat the cake down, singing Happy Birthday, the lyrics of which Johnny couldn't include in a theoretical narrative of his life because that song is technically still copyrighted. Lori covered her face with her hand and bore it like a champ. When all was said and done, they noshed on cake until they both felt like they were going to explode.

They walked home through the gathering gloom, the street lamps lighting up ahead of them like a red carpet. "You were right," Lori said. "I did need this."

"You oughta listen to me more often," Johnny said, "there's more than just air in this paper bag. It contains all my brains."

She laughed. "Okay, Einstein."

At home, Johnny showered, brushed his teeth, and went to his and Lincoln's bedroom. Lincoln was sitting on his bunk and when Johnny came in, Lincoln looked up. "How'd it go?"

"It went good," Johnny said. "You?"

"Dude, me and Bobby chilled all day. He's really cool."

Johnny blinked. "Cool? He broke Lori's heart and took her for granted. He's a punk."

Lincoln's eyes narrowed dangerously. "Lori tried to control every move he made. If you wanna see who's at fault here, take a walk down the hallway."

That made Johnny mad. "Of course you'd be taken in by Bobby's lies. You're dumb."

Jumping to his feet, Lincoln shoved him back. "You got one side of the story and think you know everything, but you don't know anything, loser."

This time, it took five whole Loud sisters to pull Lincoln and Johnny apart. Both were bruised, scraped, and bleeding. "You're sleeping on the couch tonight, buddy," Johnny said.

"Anywhere's better than in the room with you," Lincoln shot back.

"Go on then," Johnny said.

Pulling away from Luna and Luan, Lincoln grabbed his things and went downstairs. Lori had filled Johnny's head with her own twisted perception of things and he wasn't smart enough to realize she wasn't telling him the whole truth.

He did not consider the fact that he, too, had been presented with a biased viewpoint.

In the room, Johnny sank onto the edge of the bed and sighed. Bobby lied to Lincoln and Lincoln was such a dope that he believed it all hook, line, and sinker. This was all Bobby's fault, not Lori's.

Now Lincoln was consorting with the enemy?

Of course he was.

Johnny shook his head. Sad.

Very sad.

But not unexpected.

Getting up, he got ready for bed. That night, he struggled to sleep.

Downstairs, Lincoln did too.