Chapter 50: In Tents Debate
There were few things Johnny V liked to do with his Sunday mornings than read the funny pages.
Call him old school, call him a boomer, call him the N-word (with the A at the end, not the hard ER), but Johnny loved a good comic strip. There were tons and tons of things to do and see in the year 2021, but those old comics, some of which had been around since the thirties, held a special place in his heart. Maybe it was because he and his old white grandad used to read them together before he passed on (to a condo in Florida) or maybe it was because he loved cartoons in general, but Johnny appreciated comic strips in a way that nobody else seemed to. None of his friends read comic strips, none of the anons on /co/ read comics, Mom didn't, Dad didn't, Lincoln didn't - no one. It was his thing and his thing alone. That made it feel special and unique. Sure, every boy about his age loved video games and wearing paper bags on their heads, but his passion for Sunday comic strips set him apart from the rabble.
And everyone wants to feel special and unique. This might sound like some edgelord logic, but think about it for a minute. There are literally 8 billion human beings on planet earth right this very second. What are the odds that you are really as unique as you think you are? Guaranteed, there are at least 100 million people just like you out there. And how easy it is to get lost in the noise. Johnny had a theory about minorities that would get him called racist if he wasn't black. It went like this: Minorities are so used to standing out and being unique that they don't really want full equality/color blindness. Well, some do, but not the blue check mark ones you see on Twitter. Why? Because as Lincoln could attest. When you're part of the majority, you're just another face in a sea of faces. People don't care about you, they don't make a business out of "supporting" you or pandering to you. They just look right past you and go on with their day. Given human nature, minorities would hate it because they would suddenly lose the one thing that made them special and have to take a number just like anyone else.
Johnny couldn't lie, he liked being one of the relatively few black dudes in town. It made him feel one of a kind and he secretly pitied Lincoln. White dudes are a dime a dozen around here, you're not special. If everyone set race fully aside, Johnny would be just another kid who liked GTA.
Shiver.
Luckily for him, he was more than just his skin color and had some pretty uncommon passions.
Again, like comic strips.
Because he stayed making money, Johnny subscribed to a dozen Sunday papers so he could read as many comic strips as possible. Oh, you thought the ones in your daily paper were it? Hahaha, poor benighted soul. There are so many comic strips out there that you'd need a whole morning just to read them all. When his papers came in on Sunday morning, Johnny would bring them in and throw out everything but the funny pages, the business section, and the opinion articles. He scanned the business page because he was perpetually thinking about buying stock and he used the opinion pieces to line Sergio's cage since that's all most people's opinions were good for. He'd sit at the table with a cup of coffee and a pastry and read the funnies for hours. Beetle Bailey, you so cray.
Ever since his house got btfo by a tornado, those quiet mornings weren't so quiet. He and the fam had been staying with the Louds ever since and...seriously, they lived up to their last name. At his house, things were usually chill unless Lincoln was acting up again. Over here, it was chaos from early in the morning to late at night. Lana and Lola arguing over dumb stuff, Lynn throwing balls and knocking stuff over, Luna playing her guitar, Lori screaming at the top of her lungs while playing video games ("HOW DID I DIE? THIS IS BULL, THIS GAME SUCKS DO BAD, UGGGGGGH"). It was enough to drive a man to drink.
One Sunday morning, Johnny got up early, went downstairs, and harvested his many papers from the driveway. If he was lucky, he'd be able to sit at the table and read a few before the madness started, whereupon he'd retreat to a quiet place and finish up. In the kitchen, he brewed himself a pot of coffee, sat at the table, and started to read.
Too late.
Lana, Lola, and Lucy came into the room. "Hi, Johnny~" they said in unison.
Oh, great, there goes my peaceful Sunday morning.
Luna, Luan, Lori, and Leni came in after them, and before long, everyone was packed into the dining room. Mr. Loud held up his hand and called for silence. "We've been talking," here he nodded to Mom and Dad, "and we've decided to pool our resources and take a nice vacation."
Everyone perked up.
"We figured we'd ask you where you want to go."
Oh, sweet. Since he was a true Renaissance Man, Johnny didn't really care where they went. Just getting out of the house and going somewhere cool was enough to get him excited.
The Loud girls, of course, weren't that easy. Half of them wanted to go to the beach (Lori, Leni, Lucy, Lola, and Lily) and half wanted to go to Dairyland (Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lana, and Lisa). They yelled at one another, called each other names, and leveled shocking and disgusting accusations at the other side. They were acting like Republicans and Democrats in Congress; it was pretty cringey. "What about you, Lincoln?" Lori asked.
"Yeah," Lynn said, "you guys can break our tie."
The color drained from Lincoln's face and he gave a jerky head shake. They all turned to Johnny, and he suddenly knew what it felt like being in the "Hot Seat."
Johnny honestly didn't care, both options were great and if you wanted him to decide, he'd have to sit down and weigh the pros and cons of each. Truth be told, he wanted to go to the beach just a little more than Dairyland...but he wasn't about to say that. Like Lincoln, he was just smart enough to realize that if he took sides in the Loud Civil War, he'd have five people out for his blood. If he went with the beach group, Team Dairyland would hate him. If he went with Team Dairyland, he would be persona non grata to the beach group. Really, it was a no win situation and going to the beach was not worth it to him. He'd rather just sit right here.
And he said as much. "We're not doing it. If we choose, we're going to have everyone who didn't get what they want out for our blood. That's not gonna happen."
"Oh, we won't do that," Lori said dismissively.
"Yes," Johnny said, "you will, and we're not into it. We're sitting this out and you guys can decide."
Ha, what a joke that was. Johnny expected reasonable debate and maybe an impassioned argument or two, but instead, he got ten girls slap fighting and name calling. The grown ups, recognizing that things were about to get ugly, abandoned ship, and the closest thing to an adult left swas Johnny.
Which just went to show how desperate the situation had become.
"Alright, hey," Lincoln called and stood up, "listen, I have an idea."
Everyone fell silent.
"I know how we can break the tie."
"How?" Leni called.
Lincoln looked at Johnny and grinned. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? he seemed to ask.
No, actually, I have no clue what you're thinking. How do you propose we break the tie, Lincoln?
"We have an in-home Olympics," Lincoln said.
Everyone groaned. "Why would we do that?" Lynn asked. "Everyone already knows I'd win, so you might as well just give me the gold now."
"Excuse me?" Lola spat. "I will crush you. I have two years of gymnastics under my belt."
Now everyone was talking over one another and arguing over who would beat who. Lincoln sat down and crossed his arms smugly over his chest. "Nice one, Stink," Johnny said, "now you got them fighting even more."
Lincoln smirked. "Yeah, I also got them making us money."
"What now?" Johnny asked.
"We get them to do this Olympics thing and we charge 2 bucks to see it. We'll make a killing."
Understanding dawned on Johnny and he smiled. "I hear you loud and clear, my man. Carry on."
Since the Loud House Olympic Games was Lincoln's ideas, he filled in the details. There would be a sprinting portion, a gymnastics portion, a basketball game, and a pole vaulting portion. Each team would select a member to represent them in each of the games except for the basketball game, which would pit the entirety of both teams against each other. Whichever team emerged with the post Ws would win the day and get to choose the destination.
To give everyone "time to train" (really it was to give Lincoln and Johnny time to promote the event), Lincoln set the date for next Saturday afternoon. Johnny printed up a bunch of fliers and plastered them around town. On Monday, he passed a bunch out at school and invited all his friends at a discounted rate of 1.50 per ticket. He considered buying a radio ad, but it would cost more than he and Lincoln could hope to make, so that was out. He did buy a few ads in the Royal Woods Gazette to run on Thursday and Friday.
"You guys are so exploitative," Stella said Monday at lunch. "You're always trying to make money off of people/"
"Hey," Johnny said, "our main concern is helping our friends peacefully settle their dispute. Making money is just a nice extra."
Lincoln nodded. "Our motives are altruistic...we just want something in return."
Sighing, Stella threw up her hand. "That is literally the opposite of altruism."
The brothers favored her with a blank stare. "No it's not," Lincoln said.
"You have no idea what you're talking about," Johnny added.
Stella flopped her head against the table in a sign of defeat. Johnny didn't blame her for thinking he and Lincoln were a couple money hungry scalawags because when you got right down to it, they were. But that was okay. Money makes the world go 'round so you have to be like that. It was a classic case of not hating the player but hating the game. You think Johnny was thrilled about spending his life chasing little green pieces of paper? Not a chance, but those little green pieces of paper made things a whole lot better. They say that money won't buy happiness but that it's better to cry in a Lambo than it is to cry on a bicycle, and Johnny believed them.
For that reason, he was going to profit on the Loud Games and he wasn't going to feel one ounce of shame about it. Hey, it's not like they were robbing people. They were actually providing a good or service. It was all fair and square. They weren't making anyone show up and they weren't selling tickets for a crazy amount of money.
They'd save the price gouging for the soda and popcorn.
LOL.
Throughout the week, Johnny pimped the Loud Games on social media and for two glorious minutes on Wednesday night, LoudNProud was trending on Twitter.
Then Joe Biden broke his hip running up some stairs and that was that.
Sigh.
The Loud girls, for their part, trained their butts off.. Every evening after school, they ran, skipped roped, and lifted weights. Even Lisa. Johnny was shocked by the little genius's ability to bench twice her own weight and was almost certain that she broke at least a couple records in doing so. "Beauty, brains, and brawn," she said one night as she straddled the weight bench after a sick workout. "Just like you."
She blushed as she said that,
Oh boy. These Louds and their crush lol. "You're doing very well," Johnny said, choosing his words carefully so as not to lead her on or give her false hopes.
"Permission to hug you?" Lisa asked.
"Permission granted," Johnny said and allowed her to hug him.
On Friday night, he and Lincoln lay in their bunk beds in the linen closet and went over a bunch of event planning stuff. They had packed the backyard with enough bleachers to seat 200 people. Johnny didn't expect that many to actually show up but a guy can dream, can't he? In the morning, he and Lincoln would have to get up early to pop all the popcorn they had bought. They were going to sell it for five dollars a pop, sodas would be three. Kids six and under would eat and drink for free. Kids six to ten or so would eat and drink for free if their parent was a loser who couldn't afford popcorn and a soda; the world was a cold, cruel place and Johnny was not sofite, but he couldn't let some little kid go without. Kids eleven and up could suck eggs. At that point it's time to man up and take your lumps.
6am came early, and Johnny was not prepared to yet face the day, but he rolled out of bed and crawled downstairs for coffee anyway. A feeling of expectancy filled the air, and at breakfast, the two factions of Loud girls glared at each other over bowls of cereal. "Stop looking at me," Lola snapped to Lana.
"Stop looking at me," Lana said.
"I hope you enjoy losing," Lola said.
"We'll see who loses," Lana said.
The games were set to begin at noon. At ten, Lincoln, who had been helping Johnny pop popcorn, broke to go man the ticket booth. The first spectators began to arrive shortly thereafter, and every time Johnny glanced out the back door, the stands were just a little fuller than they had been before. The girls all changed into leotards - red for the beach team and blue for the Dairyland group - and went outside. Dad had gotten ahold of a microphone and set up a broadcast booth on the sidelines. He wore a sequin jacket and a crown in imitation of Jerry "The King '' Lawler; his voice boomed over the loudspeakers welcoming everyone to the first annual Loud House Games. Johnny carried loads of popcorn and soda to a concessions stand where, to his surprise, he found his mother. "What are you doing here?" he asked.
"I want to make some money too." she said.
Johnny didn't want to split his profits even more, but he needed the help, so he allowed it.
After a ceremonial torch lighting, the games began with sprinting. Johnny modified the rules to make it more interesting and made it so that every member of each team had to race a member of the other team. First up was Lana and Lola. They crouched at the starting line growling at each other; when Johnny fired his starting pistol, they took off. Lana was ahead af first, but then Lola pulled ahead, arms and legs pumping. The crowd went wild and cheered. The track curved in a big U shape and Lana was able to pass Lola on the downswing, but on the final stretch, Lola came back and crossed the finish line first. "Score one for team beach!" Dad screamed and the audience cheered its head off.
Next was Lynn and Leni. Lynn ran head down and arms close to her body to cut down on wind resistance, Leni ran with her back leaned back like Ed from Ed, Edd & Eddy. Lynn won handily. "Dairyland on the board, folks, the competition is heating up."
By the time everyone had finished racing, Team Dairyland had a two point lead.
Next was pole vaulting. Though they had all practiced, none of the Louds did very well except for Lynn. Lisa launched herself directly into the ground, breaking her glasses, and Luan hit the bar forehead first, leaving her dazed and confused - for a good five minutes, she thought she was actually Luna. "How do you feel?" Lincoln asked.
"Rockin', bro," Luan said.
"Hey, that's my line," Luna said and shot her sister daggers.
The beach squad was ahead by one going into the gymnastics portion. Here, everyone did better, though Lisa was a little shaky and Leni couldn't walk very long on the balancing beam before toppling off. The crowd chanted her name to encourage her, and when she stopped to wave, she took a spill that bruised her tailbone and put her out of the game. Thanks to Lola, the beach team came out on top again but not by much.
The final event of the day was the basketball game. The first team to reach ten would score the points and win the day. Johnny and Lincoln watched from the sidelines, Johnny with his arms crossed smugly over his chest and Lincoln counting a fat wad of cash. Mom came over and cleared her throat, and with a sigh, Lincoln handed her a twenty dollar bill. "Thank you," she sang.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Lincoln said.
Team Dairyland was down and the clock was ticking. Lynn stole the ball from Lola and ran it up the court, weaving in and out of clamoring opps. She laid up a shot and took it; just as the buzzer sounded, the ball swished through the net. The audience went nuts and Johnny grinned. "I guess that means…"
"They're tied," Lincoln said, consulting his clipboard.
"Tied?" Johnny asked incredulously. "Dude, your system is so flawed."
"It's your system," Lincoln said.
Not willing to stand for that, Johnny attacked, and it took both Lynn and Lori to pull them apart. "I know how we can break the tie," Lori said with an evil grin.
Uh-oh.
Neither Lincoln nor Johnny wanted to be involved in the Louds' little civil war, but they were anyway. Team beach picked Johnny as their rep and team Dairyland picked Lincoln; Lynn and Lori forced them into a chalk circle and told them to wrestle. "Winner takes all," Lynn said. "No pressure." She glared at Lincoln. "You better win,"
"Look, guys," Johnny said, "we -"
His words cut off in a breathless oof when Lincoln speared him to the ground. Forgetting all about the contest, Johnny reacted by slapping Lincoln across the face and rolling him off. Lincoln sprang at him and put him in an armbar that sent streaks of pain into Johnny's shoulder. He tossed Lincoln over the other shoulder and got behind him, grabbing his arms and jamming his knee between his shoulder blades. I'll teach you to spear me, you little creature.
One of Lincoln's arms popped and he issued a high, painful scream. He thrust his foot back and it caught Johnny right in the family jewels. A leaden balloon swelled in Johnny's stomach and he fell to the ground clutching and gasping. The crowd was on their feet now, chanting and pumping their fists. Chants of THIS IS AWESOME and FIGHT FOREVER filled the struggled to his feet, backed up, and ran forward, jumping with his legs straight out in front of him Hulk Hogan style. Johnny rolled at the last second and Lincoln hit the ground butt first. Johnny got behind Lincoln, slipped his arm around Lincoln's neck, and put Lincoln in a sleeper hold. "Go to sleep," Johnny commanded into his brother's ear.
"Screw you," Lincoln said. He managed to break Johnny's hold and spun around, catching his foot. He wrapped his legs around Johnny's like a monkey and pulled off a figure four leg lock. Johnny always thought there was no way that move hurt and that everyone who tapped out of it was just acting, but he was wrong. His leg muscles turned to fire and his pelvis felt like it was going to fracture. His eyes bulged out of his head and he let out a tongue-wagging howl.
He couldn't take anymore, he was going to tap.
Right before he could, though, Lola ran up and kicked Lincoln in the back. Moments later, Lana rushed over with a pool noodle and hit Lola so hard in the face that the little beauty queen lost her footing and fell down.
Suddenly, both teams swarmed the ring and knock down, drag out brawl ensued. Three Louds - he couldn't see who - surrounded Johnny and hit him with a flurry of kicks while Lola, Lucy, and Leni shoved Lincoln back and forth between them, Lucy hitting him in the guts with an uppercut, doubling him over.
Johnny rolled onto his side and curled up in an effort to protect himself. Lynn fought her way through his attackers and saved him while Lana tried to rescue Lincoln but wound up incurring the wrath of his assailants instead. Lincoln lay there half dead while they mercilessly beat Lana into the ground.
The crowd freaking loved it.
"THIS IS AWESOME!"
Clap, clap.
"THIS IS AWESOME!"
Clap, clap.
Lori grabbed Luna around the neck and choke-slammed her through Dad's announce table, and Lola kicked Lana in the stomach before ramming her knee into her face. It was starting to get brutal, but thankfully, Mom, Dad, Mr. Loud, and Mrs. Loud ran over and pulled everyone apart. Luan had a black eye, Lori had a bloody nose, Lana and Lola were both covered in cuts and scrapes, Lincoln's face was swollen, Johnny's hair was messed up and his ribs ached. "Alright, that is it," Mr. Loud said. "I'm deciding where we go."
"NOOOO!" the Loud girls wailed.
Lincoln and Johnny looked at each other.
And grinned.
"That's cool with us," Lincoln said.
"Yeah, anywhere's fine by me."
Two weeks later, as he, Lincoln, their parents, and the Louds took a guided tour of the National Potato Museum in Boise, Idaho, however, Johnny thought to himself We shoulda just voted for the beach.
Maybe next year, Johnny.
Maybe next year.