A. N. : Well. Things are certainly moving ! Can you believe we're almost at 200 chapters ? And our dear Gal Pals are slowly coming to terms with the people they've become, although Azula isn't there yet. Which uh, means that in terms of pure plot and planning, I'm. I basically have one major event left to go before we get to the final arc. What the fuck ? Please enjoy this chapter while I have a mild existential crisis over the creeping end of this 7 years old fic.
Azula breathes.
In, and out, and do you understand now ? If only for the sake of self-preservation, for the sake of not having their deepest and darkest secrets turned against them, Doctor Sekiji and his spouse, Mai and Ty Lee, Qin – they should all just give up. Put her away, or do away with her, for good, because she won't stop, won't change –
She feels a sting on her cheek, suddenly.
Shut up, Mai says, grabbing Azula by the collar. You're not a monster, she says – did she slap Azula ? – not a doll you can set on fire to get attention – what – you're just a person.
You're awful, Mai says, and you're selfish, and I really want to hit you again.
You always understood me, she says. You let me play with your dolls when we were kids, she says like that means anything, and you didn't let your mom tell me off when I cut their hair, she says like Azula would remember such a trivial thing. Like it would matter at all if she did.
What's her point anyway ? That Azula used to be not-as-much-of-a-monster ? She was a child ! It doesn't count.
Mai laughs. It's short, and ugly, and Azula doesn't remember when she heard that sound for the last time. You're as stubborn as Zuko, she says, like a compliment she knows Azula will hate. Like when she used to tell Azula she plays the koto really well, even better than the erhu Father prefers. A real compliment, that Azula has no choice but to accept with gritted teeth.
In Mai's mouth, that's what calling Azula like Zuko sounds like.
She is still holding Azula's shirt. After the first moment of surprise, neither Ty Lee nor Qin have tried to separate them.
It's not that Azula can't change, Mai tells her with an assurance Azula doesn't recognize – it's just that she refuses to. Because she's stubborn, and she hates being wrong, and she doesn't want to admit that Ozai – she calls Father Ozai, with no honorifics and no respect, and it's so shocking and absurd and out of the blue that Azula can't even be angry at this instant – Ozai was also wrong, is wrong, and she can't rely on the way he does things, and Mai thinks – no.
Mai knows that Azula has realized this. She's too clever not to. She's just taking the easy way out, acting like there's nothing she can do and hoping someone will get rid of her if she's enough of a pain.
I guess the real Azula is just a coward, huh ?
And the truth is, Azula knows what Mai is doing. She's trying to make Azula angry, to make her so emotional she'll contradict herself in an attempt to defend her honor, or what little is left of it. It's obvious, and Mai isn't even being subtle about, and –
And Azula can't help but answer her.
It's easy, grabbing Mai's hands to keep her close while Azula rises just enough that she can get her forehead to hit Mai's chin, hard, and then keeping that momentum to push her down to the ground. Sand flies into Azula's mouth, crunching between her teeth as she clenches her jaw.
It tastes like ash. Like fury and fear, like kneeling in front of Father as he tells her the Avatar is alive.
How dare she. How dare she doubt Father, doubt the Fire Lord. How dare she imply, no, outright say that Azula would share the same kind of treasonous thoughts.
Azula raises her hand, no, her fist, like some kind of novice, inept bender. Like Zuko would.
She sees it drop to her side ineffectively.
She can't feel her arm anymore.
No violence allowed, Ty Lee says with false cheer, Qin side-eyeing her with a raised eyebrow for some reason. She's never done that before.
She's never – Ty Lee flees, and evades, and makes herself look stupid to avoid conflict, but she doesn't –
Azula looks up at Ty Lee, then down at her limp arm, at Mai's challenging stare, and she doesn't recognize them anymore. There's a weird lump in her throat, not painful but – uncomfortable, she guesses. Wet. The same wetness as the sting in her eyes.
All she can say, all she manages to say in this instant, is that Mai slapped her. Like a child saying she started it – and Mai raises an eyebrow in turn and goes well you headbutted me, like that answer makes any more sense.
Azula feels Ty Lee help her up more than she consciously gets back on her feet. Sees Qin help Mai in the same way, looking between the two of them with the same eyes, a slight crease between his eyebrows – worry ? Or something like that. Odd.
There's silence then, uncomfortable, as no one really knows what to make of what just happened – Azula certainly doesn't, in any case – and then Mai says she's decided.
She doesn't care how long it takes her, or what she has to do, she will kill Ozai with her own hands. That's a promise.
Somewhere to her left, Azula hears the pirate choke, then cough repeatedly.
All she can do is stare.
If Mai could bend, she would be making the strongest, most beautiful flame of her life in this instant, Azula knows.
It makes no sense. Mai doesn't – she thinks a lot, and complains a lot, but she doesn't make such important decisions, doesn't look at Azula with her chin high in some sort of challenge, doesn't say if you want to stop me, you'll have to do your worst.
It hits Azula that these two, this Ty Lee who actually stops her, this Mai who openly shares her deepest thoughts – that she doesn't know them anymore. And that scares her.
Who are you, she wants to ask.
She doesn't.
Mai tells her that if Azula wants to die, then Mai won't allow it, won't kill her, won't let anyone do it for her either. If you want to run away, then do it yourself, you coward.
This, of all things, is what makes Ty Lee tell her off. You can't say that, she shouts, and Mai rolls her eyes, and Qin sighs and puts his hand on Azula's shoulder and asks if she would like some tea, or maybe some fruit, says she looks tired, and Doctor Sekiji and his spouse quietly talk between each other and –
Azula feels exhausted.