DISCLAIMER. None of the characters used are a creation of mine. They belong solely to JK Rowling.
Hermione lay silently in her bed, staring at her injured hand illuminated by the glow of the moonlight.
Sleep evaded her that night. Now that her body was completely devoid of all the sedatives Madame Pomfrey had administered to her she found that she no longer felt the pull towards the comfort sleep provided.
Seeing the reddened appearance of her hand brought to her the memories of the strange night and the events that had followed. She may have been crying out in agony but her mind hadn't stopped to register most of what had happened and when Harry had relayed over to her everything once they had been able to find a little solitude two days ago, still huddled in the Hospital Wing, Hermione couldn't help but feel a soft tingle brush against the fortress that her mind was.
Brimming with the various theories she could conjure, her mind hadn't quite felt the peace it sought. Out of everything that had happened the strangest part was how that eerily ethereal voice had seemed a little too familiar almost as if she had heard it whisper into her ear eons ago.
But where?
She sighed, closing her eyes and remembering another tragedy that had struck her. She couldn't blame the fates for it. She had willingly walked right into the wallowing fountain of grief. As much as she needed the Marauders to stay away for their own good she couldn't help feeling hurt at seeing how quickly they had believed the extraneous circumstances of her current stance in the war.
She had hoped against hope that maybe they'd fight for her. Just for a little while. Had she been so .. passable that they had moved on so quickly? Hadn't she seen the boys so boisterously escort Remus back to school as if all was right in the world? Hadn't she seen how Remus had lay staring at her for one full day but never once made a move to talk to her?
It hurt but it was all her fault. It wasn't as if she could blame them for keeping their distance from a known Death Eater. Gryffindors didn't entirely lack in self preservation.
Her mind wandered over to her brother and his worrisome face upon finding her in such a state. Rab truly did seem like he'd been struck the hardest blow he could ever suffer at finding his little sister look so broken.
A part of her had felt so overjoyed at seeing him safe and sound even coming back from a mission almost as dangeorus as any but another part of her had felt her heart break at seeing the brokenness in his eyes. She knew something had happened to him during his stay away from civilization. She wondered what kind of thoughts he was drowning himself in; what morbidity he had found himself in the middle of for the sake of keeping his sister safe.. a sister who had thrown away his sacrifice almost immediately.
Rab deserved the world and what did he get instead? A pathetic little girl with no regard of his feelings.
Thinking about Rab also brought to her notice how he would soon begin asking to for the chance to meet Harry, the boy who had been plaguing her nightmares for so long. She trulyy didn't know how to crawl out of this little hole she'd dug herself.
She groaned, propping herself against the backside of the bed, hoping to get out and maybe go for a walk. Her body yearned for something to do other than lie still.
Before she could even move her weakened arms to get out of the covers her ears picked up the sound of shuffling feet. Straining her eyes she tried to see who it was. Since the Hospital Wing was devoid of any patients at the moment and the matron had already retired to her chambers so late after midnight it just didn't make sense.
As she heard the mysterious person's steps slow down, almost hesitant, she realised quite suddenly who it could be.
The Invisibility Cloak.
It had to be one of the Marauders. But.. what could they want with her?
She pretended to have noticed nothing out of the ordinary, settling down into her bed a little deeper, her wand pressed close to her chest. One could never be too cautious.
Not more than a minute had passed when she saw Sirius emerge out from beneath the Cloak, his shoulder length hair a little disheveled and his face set in gaunt lines.
He stood still, just gazing at her with an intensity that scared Hermione. She bit her lip, the depth in his eyes making her feel smaller and smaller with every moment that passed.
He dragged his feet to the chair beside her bed, sitting down and stretching his legs ahead of him. He folded his arms, regarding the girl before him with meticulous care, looking for a sign, any sign to indicate that maybe it had been a fluke.. that maybe his eyes had been deceived.
He looked so hard at her, praying the gods above for him to be able to find the girl he remembered from his childhood. The one who had never learnt knitting but had made him a sweater he still wore every time he felt alone.
He saw her eyes, the same shade of brown, that had never once failed to entrance him into a state of a deeply sated tranquility; her lips the same shade of pink that had threatened him with his sanity; her tiny freckles blending with her skin so perfectly they were barely even visible.
But what really mattered to him was the same warmth and concern he could see resting in her honeyed eyes as he had seen so many times before.
Then why had she done what she had? What had prompted her to let go of her goodness.. her humanity?
Hermione revelled in the way his eyes roved over her face, reminding her of the days they'd spent together running around and buried under the weight of the summer breeze. She wished she could go back to the time when it had been so much simpler than now when she couldn't even look him in the eyes anymore.
Her gaze lowered, she nibbled on her lip, wishing for the earth to open up and swallow her whole.
'I don't know who you are anymore,' he whispered, his voice so wistful and reminiscent it made her tear up.
'Maybe you weren't supposed to know me at all,' she mumbled.
'Why did you do it?'
She shrugged her shoulders, sighing, 'Not everyone has the opportunity to leave the life they were born into.'
He said, with conviction, 'You had a choice.'
She looked at him sharply, 'Did I?'
His resolve broke as he rushed to her side, gripping her hand in his tightly. He brought it up to his face, resting it on his cheek. 'Is it Rodolphus? I can help you. We can figure something out. Together.'
She smiled sadly. 'You are a child. You can't even begin to understand, Sirius. I joined because I wanted to. Nobody forced me.'
Sirius shook his head, hanging onto whatever hope he had left, 'You don't hate muggleborns. You don't hate Lily or Remus. You love them. You aren't a blood supremacist. You abhorred the idea of Voldemort and his cronies. You hated the path Rodolphus was walking upon.' He croaked, 'Then what the hell happened? What changed?'
'I grew up,' she said. 'I realised I was wrong. I may not believe in the purity of blood but ridding the world of muggleborns and half bloods isn't the only thing the Dark Lord has to offer.'
'What could you possibly want from him? You have a name. You have power. You have money.'
'He is the only one who can help restore the Old Ways,' she said, disgusted with herself. 'Times were good when the world still recognised the importance of the old traditions. Now it sneers at purebloods when we hold the answer to everything. Muggleborns do have a place in our world but it is not with us.'
Sirius let go of her as if burned, her hand falling limply beside her. 'This is not you.'
'This is who I've always been, Sirius. I'd been misguided back then but now I know what's required of me.'
Sirius turned away from her, his expression pained. 'You are so loved and you're throwing it all away.'
Hermione remained silent. She was treading on a very delicate path.
'That man.. the other day. That was Harry? Remus picked it up with his amplified hearing near the full moon.'
She nodded absently, 'Yes, it was.'
He frowned, 'He's real?'
Hermione chuckled darkly, 'Did you think I was delusional?'
He shook his head, numb, 'I never knew what to think.' He sighed, every inch of him burning, 'You love him?'
Hermione's brows furrowed, her response coming out without any thought on her part, 'Of course I do. I love him more than anyone in my life.'
Sirius smiled inspite of himself, his breath caught in his throat, the icy chill in his heart spreading. Such simple words and they had drilled in his chest a new hole.. another aching sorrow.
'You should leave, Sirius,' she said, everything inside her begging her to stop, 'Caring for me will only serve as a wheel of abuse.'
He snorted, 'I am in too far deep to stop now. What did you think? That we'd forget you so easily? You truly were one of us.'
She shut her eyes, stung. She forced the words out of her mouth she knew she needed him to hear, 'I won't hesitate to kill you when the time comes.'
He looked at her sadly, trailing a finger softly against hers, 'I, too, hope I'm the first to fall on the battlefield when I am faced with you.'
She didn't want this pain. She didn't want to feel the enormous misery that was settling down in her gut.
'Reggie's gone. And now you are walking out the door too,' he said. He barked out a forced laugh, despondence shadowing his voice, 'Well, at least I can rest assured you two will have each other's backs.'
He got out of his seat suddenly, his body hunched in defeat. He was oh so beautiful but there was nothing pretty about the wreckage he'd become. There was nothing pretty about his pain and the heartache he felt.
He fumbled inside his robes for something, bringing it out and dropping it softly on Hermione's bedside table, avoiding her eyes.
'I carved it out for you a little before Christmas,' he mumbled. 'But given the circumstances I never got around to delivering it to you.'
Hermione's gaze was drawn to the tiny package. She wondered what it was but knew Sirius wouldn't want her to rip into it till after he left.
She saw him spare her one last glance, a faraway look in his eyes. He smiled at her, looking conflicted, battling with himself the urge to do something.. anything.
Hermione felt a new burn inside her, different from the one she'd felt upon touching the ring. This was so much hotter.. so much more painful.
Never before had she got the chance to say goodbye to those she loved. She'd even begged for another day just so she could say goodbye.. just so she could tell them she loved them. But here she was, alive and fit, and yet she couldn't say it. She couldn't seal her fate, breaking all the ties it held with his.
Neither of the wars she'd fought could be worse than this. Not one of them came close to the one inside her mind, every part of her begging her to tell him how sorry she felt, to tell him who she really was but never once finding enough courage to chase after the one thing she'd wanted more than anything in life.
She felt a tear slip out her eyes as Sirius' gaze drifted to the trail it left behind. She saw something shift inside him as he let out a small curse, bending down and pressing his lips against her, urgent but soft.
His hand wrapped around her, slipping to her waist and holding her flush against his chest and the other threading in her unruly curls. She smiled against his lips, breathing in the faint winterwood, her fingers caressing the nape of his neck, pulling him closer. She felt herself drowning in him, their breaths mingling into each other's as their souls played along the fire inside their hearts.
She felt his remorse and his pain in the way he moved his lips and devoured her whole. How cruel was it that a simple kiss could mean so much when words failed. But time was against them for the clouds shifted and the spell of the moon broke as Sirius rested his forehead against her, moaning softly. She shivered at the sudden loss of warmth he had been channeling into her. Shutting her eyes tightly she focused on nothing else but the wildly beating beast within him that called to her.
'Every hour with you was an untameable miracle, Hermione,' he whispered, 'and I will never forget a minute of it.' He brought her hand to his lips, kissing her delicate skin and smiling rufeully at her. 'So boundless and infinite and yet our paths diverge.'
She couldn't help but miss the nearness to him as he pushed her lightly away and left, never once looking back, focused entirely on the depths of his sorrow at knowing how he had not only lost her soul to the Darkness but also her heart to another man.
Silent sobs wracked her body, reminding her of the fleeting moment of bliss she had found in the middle of a life laced with evil and the dark. Her hands trembled as she slid aside the silver wrapper reminding her of eyes she wished she'd forget.
A delicate leather bracelet fell out with little pieces of carved wood hanging onto it. She smiled as she saw a scroll of parchment flanked by a gorgeous stag and a dog on one side and a wolf and a rat on the other.
She wrapped her arms around herself, carefully placing the trinket in her beaded bag right next to her knight.
Parting of the ways is always a terrible weight to live with, she remembered her father telling her once outside playing in the park with him. It happens when you least expect it but stays with you forever. But worry not, my little Matilda, Daddy will always be there to pick you right back up.
She wanted her Daddy to pick her up from the mess she'd made but she remembered with a sharp pang how Daddy will never even know his little Matilda again.
Come morning she dragged herself back to the cold dungeons under the watchful eyes of the faint stars above and the lilac in the air. Entering the thrum of the liveliness of the ignorant children around her felt like an insulting blow to her sorrow.
What would she not give to be as carefree as they were?
The bitterness of the truth invaded her mind. She couldn't leave Harry alone. She would never be able to live with herself. He hadn't askef for this either.
Woeful for the love she had lost she may be but nothing could reduce Hermione Granger to such a state that she'd give up on her loyalty to the one man who had been there every step of the way.
She knew the burden of the world lay on his shoulders. She understood how it could turn into a lonely pursuit and she'd be damned if she let herself lose herself. She knew he needed her toncenter him.
Embracing the steel she knew ran in her blood, she held her head high, all signs of distress lost, as she walked inside the Great Hall, never once sparing a glance towards the Gryffindors. It wasn't home anymore.
Home was gone. Home had been burned down into the ground.
And she had to avenge it.
She sat herself down on one of the vacant benches beside Kingsley who turned to her with concern in his eyes, 'Hermione, how are you feeling? Madame Pomfrey wouldn't allow anybody to visit you. I and Regulus tried come see you many times.'
She nodded, 'I am feeling loads better now, thank you. How are you dealing with the stress of NEWTs coming up?'
His throaty chuckle reached her ears as she unrolled the Daily Prophet absently, 'I'll survive, I'm sure.'
Hermione laughed lightly, 'Do you still want to practice your patronus like you wanted to? I'm free next week.'
'Oh, yes, I just can't seem to get it right for some reason however much I..'
His words were interrupted as the Hall stared transfixed at a girl clad in red and gold scream at the top of her lungs, the letter in her hands crumpling and falling away as she hysterically pushed herself away from everyone.
Hermione saw as Lily attempted to gather Marlene in her arms, words of comforts on her lips.
Hermione frowned and turned her focus onto the newspaper, hoping to find out what could have happened that Marlene was now being herded out by an extremely worried McGonagall as Lily, Alice and Dorcas followed, the Marauders close behind.
She had only to read three words to understand.
McKinnons. Attack. Rodolphus.
An icy chill crept upon her as she felt someone sidle up close to her, whispering in her ear, 'Rodolphus does us great honour. How proud you must be, Lestrange.'
She preened under Avery's gaze, 'The McKinnons had it coming.'
She spared an apologetic glance at Kingsley and rushed out the Great Hall, having lost her appetite entirely, ignoring the stares that followed.
She dreaded the fact that Avery and Rookwood had chosen the same instant to leave. She was in no mood to play along their whims.
Rookwood smirked, 'The Dark Lord must have been very pleased, I'm sure. I can't wait to leave this shithole of a school and fully surrender myself to his service.'
Avery agreed, 'It's sadly another year for Lestrange and myself. I hope Master has something special planned for us to do the next time he calls upon us.'
Hermione shivered unconsciously.
'Are you cold, love?'
Her nose wrinkled at the term of endearment which sounded so dirty coming from the bastard's mouth. 'I'm well, thank you.'
Rookwood came to a sudden halt when he heard the cries of the devastated girl. He laughed as he looked at Hermione and Avery. 'Care for some fun?'
Oh, no. Please, no.
She couldn't bear to bring Marlene more pain when she was already grieving. Hermione couldn't bear to be so inhumane.
She followed in Rookwood's footsteps against her will. Keeping up with pretences was an incredibly difficult task.
She groaned internally as she realised McGonagall had left the group of Gryffindors by themselves in the courtyard.
James glared at the approaching party, 'What do you prats want? Your presence here is unwanted.'
'Shut it, Potter,' Avery sneered .'Nobody cares about your opinions.'
Hermione hung back. She knew the heartache Marlene felt. She didn't want to be a part of whatever Rookwood and Avery had in mind.
Dorcas scowled, 'Leave before I have to hex you.'
Rookwood laughed, mocking her, 'What a pretty bitch you'd make.'
Peter roared, his eyes not leaving Hermione's who had hers shied away, 'Get out of our faces, you scum.'
Hermione heard Marlene sniffle. Her eyes met hers as Marlene advanced upon her, whipping out her wand and pressing it against Hermione's throat.
'You have no concept of remorse, do you?,' her voice broke, 'I pity you.'
I hate myself.
Hermione sneered, 'Ah, look at that. Poor lioness with a wounded pride.'
She was surprised when she felt Sirius step in between herself and Marlene.
He growled, 'Have some decency, Lestrange or is it too far beneath you?'
Hermione's resolve almost broke. She looked away from him but seeing Rookwood's gaze appraising her, she pushed him aside and disarmed the girl.
Marlene shook her head sadly, 'To think I found you an amiable friend . You're as vile as that brother of yours.'
I hate myself.
'You hurt me, little one,' she cooed, 'My only regret is I wasn't with him to see the beauty of the carnage he's bound to have left behind.'
Before the Gryffindors could even have raised their wands, Hermione had a strong shield set up to guard her.
I hate myself.
She smirked, 'You foolish cubs are far too slow. You really think you can win this war with such terrible skills?'
Avery held her back, motioning towards the emerald robed professor walking in their direction.
Hermione let go of Marlene's wand, throwing it away onto the ground and hating every breath she took in as she turned around and left, leaving in her wake a broken girl with her broken shrieks.
I don't know who you are anymore, she couldn't agree more with what Sirius had told her. She, too, didn't know when she had turned into this despicable human.
All she knew was that she felt all the more desperate to get to Harry as soon as she could.
The McKinnons had died four years before they were supposed to and Marlene had somehow survived.
Time had taken a course it hadn't before, leaving Harry and Hermione at a disadvantage so grievously terrible that the fate of the war now rested with the Gods.