Chapter 5 - In Hiding

Author's Note: PTSD sucks. :) And healing takes a long time.

~ Amina Gila

Vader's entire body feels different now, and it's... jarring. It still hurts in more places than he cares to identify, but it's nothing like it was before. He feels better, a word he didn't think he'd know the meaning of again. Sidious had often promised 'improvements', but Vader has yet to see the day anything 'improved'. That's not true now, though, and he doesn't know what to think of it.

He doesn't really have the mental capacity to think of it right now, anyway, because apparently, that... healing session didn't entire deal with the effects of being electrocuted. His head is pounding violently, and it's only through sheer effort that he keeps moving as though nothing is wrong.

It's hard to think about much of anything in this state. A very dark part of his mind starts wondering if the past few days have been... real. If they've been more than just a dream. He often loses track of what's real and fake, after all. Is Obi-Wan really here, or is he no more than a figment of Vader's imagination?

Obi-Wan as his master is something he occasionally dreamed of in some of his more wild fantasies, when he occasionally admitted just how much longing was mixed in with the constant anger and betrayal he always felt. But he never actually thought through what that would be like.

Now that he's here, he doesn't... want to stay like this. He doesn't want to have to regard Obi-Wan with the same constant fear he did with Sidious.

"Anakin," he hears his master saying, sounding way too far away. Assuming he's actually real, because right now, the only thing Vader is sure of is that his head is splitting in two. "It's going to be a long ride. You should try resting."

"We spoke of this before," Vader objects, even if part of him instantly tenses at what might be considered contradicting his master. He'd never done that outright to Sidious, but his master made sure he knew his place the one time he came even close to that. (It's not something he forgot again.)

"I can't believe you're incapable of sleeping," Obi-Wan argues, "And you will need real rest to heal. Not merely drawing your strength from the Dark Side."

"I cannot," he objects, "I have tried."

From the look on Obi-Wan's face, he clearly doesn't believe him. "Try again." It's an order this time, not one he dares to argue against.

Vader hasn't done it in so long, and it's hardly going to be comfortable, since it's not as if he can lay down.

Or, technically, he could because they're both sitting on the bench in the hold, and... Obi-Wan is right next to him. All Vader does want to do is sleep because his head is hurting so much, and he can hardly think at all right now. Not nearly enough to care that he shouldn't just want to be held, with the false belief that he might actually be safe.

He shifts his position, moving very awkwardly so he's twisted onto his side, his helmet resting in Obi-Wan's lap. It's not exactly comfortable, but he's hardly clinging to the edges of consciousness right now, so it doesn't matter, though his mind screams in protest at the thought of falling asleep in his master's presence. Though he's exhausted enough that he can't quite remember why anymore.

Vaguely, he remembers that he couldn't do it at first when he was young – until he'd grown comfortable in Obi-Wan's presence to the point that he would sleep next to his bed.

But now, he knows he can't sleep in front of him. Can't trust that he won't hurt him or wake him violently for no reason but that he can. Or... something. He can hardly remember clearly the reason anymore; all he knows is that he does want to sleep, and he finds himself slipping into darkness.

The sound of an alarm beeping jolts Vader back to consciousness, one he instantly recognizes to mean they're coming out of hyperspace. He feels strangely more refreshed than he has in a long time, and his body doesn't hurt quite as much as he's used to. It takes a moment for him to realize that's likely more because of the healing Obi-Wan did than that he was able to fall asleep. The mere fact he could sleep probably means his body is more healed – enough that it can actually try to heal instead of merely surviving, and he's not quite sure what to think about that.

He's definitely not sure what to think about how he is being so... intimate with his master.

Obi-Wan's presence feels far too close now that Vader's acutely aware of it, and he abruptly jolts away, pushing himself upright.

Obi-Wan is eyeing him, and he seems... pleased about something, though Vader isn't sure what. The alarm is still going, so Vader heads to the cockpit without being asked, to deal with the ship and take a moment to think.

He thinks the only reason his master doesn't immediately follow is because his leg has... long since fallen asleep, no doubt.

Though he's honestly not sure what to think about Obi-Wan. His new master is only confusing him more and more, and for a desperate moment, he almost wishes Sidious was still here, because then, everything made sense. Nothing does anymore. The memory of Obi-Wan only brings pain, and he doesn't understand the purpose of this... feigned affection. Because it can't be real – Obi-Wan never showed it to Anakin in the past, and Vader highly doubts this new, Sith version of him would be any different in that regard.

But he may be about to see Padme again. And that... he's not ready for it. She still feels like a ghost, and it definitely doesn't feel like he deserves to see her. He doesn't even know that she'll want to see him. Most of all, he just wants to see his children.

Even if he doesn't know that he can trust himself to be around them.

**w**

Considering they're now fugitives from the Empire, Vader will stand out too much in public, so he stays with the ship while Obi-Wan looks for his family.

Only to return with the report that they're gone, and he can't find any traces of them. Vader expected it, but that doesn't stop his surge of disappointment. Obi-Wan is... apparently going to speak with someone he said might know – Vader has his suspicions, and he also knows why his master never bothered telling him. It's obvious Obi-Wan doesn't trust him yet, and with good reason.

He leaves Vader alone for a time, and it's... strange to be like this when he's not preparing for a mission. Not that he could truly run from his master if he wanted to, even if he'd be lying to say the thought never crossed his mind. Though if he did, where would he go? There is nowhere he can go, nothing he can do, unless he went to Tarkin and continued trying to help the Empire and the people, but he will never willingly do that either.

"I can't locate her," Obi-Wan tells him when he finally returns. "We will have to continue searching. I do not have any leads now, but I imagine we will find something eventually."

"Your... contact knew nothing?" Vader asks dryly.

"She cut contact with him years ago, actually, for safety reasons," he replies with the barest hint of annoyance, "Also, I found a medcenter secure from the Empire where I can finish healing you."

Right.

Because they're still doing that.

Vader still doesn't know what to think of it. He's not foolish enough to believe it's out of a genuine desire to help him, especially not when he knows he doesn't deserve it. He didn't sense any ill-intent from Obi-Wan, but he still can't... trust that.

"They want to assess your condition before setting an appointment for it in the future."

Vader hasn't had to concern himself with such things in a very long time, and it's bizarre to hear about it again. He's not sure he appreciates it either, but he... can't argue. He is grateful at the thought of being free of this, but he doesn't deserve to be either. Nor is he certain he likes the thought of people poking and prodding him, for any reason. "When will it be?" he asks warily instead of objecting.

"We should go there now," Obi-Wan replies, "The sooner you are out of this, the better."

Which makes him wonder morbidly, again, why Obi-Wan wants this so much. He'd prefer not to consider it further.

**w**

It's strange to be back on the run, in hiding, but with Anakin at his side this time. Even if, in so many ways, he still hardly feels like Anakin. He's so... dark and distant and some of the fear he was radiating before seems more angry now. More Sithly.

Obi-Wan isn't sure what changed, but maybe it's just a phase. It's not like he wants Anakin to be afraid of him, but his anger instead is slightly unsettling. Especially when he's so quiet that he can't tell what Anakin is thinking.

It had caught him quite off-guard when Anakin had willingly fallen asleep in his lap like that, but he thinks now it was only because he wasn't thinking clearly at the time. Obi-Wan isn't quite sure what that will mean for the future, either.

It hurts how strained things are between them now, but he knows it's expected, and that – somehow – they will work it out.

Being back on Polis Massa again is also jarring, just remembering the last time he was here. (Remembering when Anakin's screams were still echoing in his mind for months afterwards.) It's fitting that this will be the place they finish healing him, as much as they can.

Anakin feels distinctly unhappy, though, as the medical droids assess his condition. "I do not see any purpose for some of these drugs," the droid reports, sounding as displeased as a droid can, "One appears to reduce rational thought, another appears to enhance the parts of the brain that feel anger, and the last appears to enhance pain receptors in humans. All have considerable other side-effects for your condition."

What?

Obi-Wan knew keeping Anakin like this was intentional on Sidious' part, but he never expected this.

He can feel Anakin's disbelief and anger surge instantly. "Then take him off them," Obi-Wan orders.

"You were not informed of any of these?" the droid asks, as it works on recording something on a datapad for them. "I do not have your past medical files."

"That was not my role," Anakin replies, an obvious note of anger in his voice.

"What do you mean it wasn't your role?" Obi-Wan asks, frowning. "You didn't... know anything about your treatment?"

"Sidious had legal control of it," Anakin answers stiffly, "And he was my master as you are now."

Obi-Wan can only stare at him with growing horror. He knew Anakin had no control over it, but hearing that Sidious made it legal – probably declaring Anakin medically unfit – is worse somehow. And... he seems to think his Sith masters own him or something. It's a belief Obi-Wan seriously needs to correct when they're out of here. They need to have a very long talk about the Sith. (And preferably their relationship but that is something he's hardly sure how to do. He's not really looking forward to it, either.)

The droid continues discussing the rest of his treatment then. They have no way to heal his organs beyond what they are now, without replacing everything, anyways, which isn't something his body would be able to handle the shock of in this state. Which is fine, because that is something Obi-Wan can heal.

He's nowhere near skilled enough to try regrowing limbs, though. They have replacement limbs with fairly realistic touch senses now, though, and that's a good start.

Obi-Wan just wishes Anakin would say something to the droid about his treatment, instead of this numb silence while he lets Obi-Wan do most of the talking.

But at least they finally have an appointment to fix this, even if it's a while off. For now, all they can do is wait and try searching for Padme on their own. And, of course, try to figure out this... master and apprentice thing.

**w**

"What now, Master?" Vader asks, as they sit in the hold of their ship again, the only place they have to stay for now. He's grateful that the medical appointment is over, and that there's a chance he can truly be out of this suit. He's grateful for what Obi-Wan's offering but he can't trust it. He knows better than that now.

"We have much to discuss," Obi-Wan replies, settling near him, "And I will teach you more of the Dark Side."

He inclines his helmet slightly, waiting for his master to continue. He's feeling restless suddenly. He's always had a mission to work towards, and right now, there's just nothing. All he's ever done is follow his master's commands, but usually it doesn't involve hiding like this.

It's hard – nigh impossible – to see Obi-Wan without remembering everything he did to him. Without remembering the pain of fire and how Obi-Wan left him there when it would've been a mercy to all that lived to just end it. So, no, he doesn't trust that any of this is anything aside from a lie. From some twisted attempt to make Vader lower his guard only to be... taken apart entirely. If there even is anything left of his heart for that – he doesn't think so. He couldn't feel emptier than he does now, at least he once thought he couldn't, seeing as his children are alive, and so is Padme. He still doesn't fully understand how it's possible.

He knows better than to indulge in this line of thought against his master but sometimes, he wants him to hurt. To – to make him know a fraction of the pain Obi-Wan left him in. More and more, Vader is questioning if this is really what he wants, even if his 'wants' are... immaterial.

Maybe it's just being so close to Obi-Wan again that's making him so restless.

"I believe Sidious taught you that you must constantly feel anger, hatred, or... pain to draw on the Dark Side."

"... That is the way of the Sith," Vader replies, hating how thrown off-guard he is by this. He... doesn't know what his point is, and that makes it harder to act right.

"Now, perhaps," Obi-Wan replies, "But that is not what the Sith Code says. It speaks of passion, not only negative emotions. All strong emotions are rooted in the Dark Side."

Vader just... stares at him, because okay, yes, he already accepted that somehow, Obi-Wan Fell, but hearing him talk about the Sith like this is completely different.

And – and that's also not what Sidious told him about it. He always said that his fear and pain led to anger which led to hate, which led to power, and he knows that's true.

"The Light has very little emotional depth," Obi-Wan continues, smiling, almost bitterly, for a moment, "I did not realize how little until after I Fell. Love is strongest in the Dark Side, too, but I imagine you have... felt that. It can be used to fuel a Sith, even if the Sith now no longer do that."

What? That's not... Sidious always told him it would hold him back. He hasn't indulged in it since – not as if there have been any light emotions that he was capable of feeling, through the agony of what happened on Mustafar and the knowledge that he killed Padme – though apparently, that, too, was a lie. It makes him wonder what wasn't.

And for a moment, he wonders if that has anything to do with why Obi-Wan is acting so much more affectionate, but no, he won't let himself fall for that. He can't. (And if he believed that and was wrong, he already knows it would shatter him completely – assuming he could 'shatter' worse than he already has.)

Obi-Wan sighs. "Anakin."

Vader straightens, hating his instinctive surge of fear. "Yes, Master?"

"Are you paying attention?"

"Yes." It's ridiculous how much it reminds him of conversations from a lifetime ago, and that... only upsets him right now. He loathes how much he wants something from the past he knows will never, ever come back. It can't. And he hates that it won't as much as he hates that he wishes it could.

"Alright." He stills seems slightly irked about something but keeps talking. (Like usual.) "Although I imagine drawing on any other emotions would not... be easy for you right now."

'Not easy' is hardly a strong enough word to describe it. More correctly 'impossible'. He hasn't experienced any lighter emotions since then, and he doubts he's still capable. Well, except the moment he heard his children were alive, and briefly, when Obi-Wan had hugged him (even if he hates that it affected him so much when he knows it's likely nothing but a trap.)

"We can discuss this more later," Obi-Wan decides, standing. He's feeling decidedly grumpy now – not that thatwas ever unusual in the past. He seems to be considering leaving the room to do... something, but then pauses again. "And... I don't know what you considered normal with Sidious, but I told you before that we can't be master and apprentice if we can't talk to each other. The role of a Sith master is still to teach, and for us, it is... little different than what we had before."

Which essentially still means that Vader can't talk to him, not that he didn't already know that. He's never been able to. Obi-Wan never understands, never listens. He always got upset when Anakin disagreed with him, and Vader has little desire to risk that. Though he really, really doesn't understand what this means for the future. It doesn't make sense.

He wishes things could just be simple. Not that anything with his master has ever been that.

**w**

Obi-Wan is beginning to think trying to teach Anakin more about the Dark Side will be a lot harder than he thought. He doesn't know why he's so quiet all the time, but it feels like they hardly have a clue how to interact anymore.

It's more frustrating that Anakin isn't doing it to be deliberately aggravating, or at least he doesn't think so. He doubts Anakin would be capable of that when he can sense the fear so strongly.

But this... relationship is still not working, and Obi-Wan isn't really sure what to do about it. He's hoping that it will get better with time, but truthfully, he's tired of waiting. He wants Anakin back, the way he used to be. Not... the shadow he is now. (Not that it isn't majorly Obi-Wan's own fault, but that makes it harder to handle.) Maybe it will change after Anakin's healed, but that's still a long way off.

It doesn't help how Anakin himself seems to be getting... antsy. Obi-Wan understands that, because he couldn't stand the restlessness that he was struggling with for not being in constant battle for a long time, either.

He thinks that is what finally gives him the idea of sparring. It's not something he's done against another person in years, and he imagines Anakin would appreciate the fight, too. Besides, he probably still needs to get used to the changes in his body from when he was partially healed.

Obi-Wan knows there's a bounty on both of them, and it's likely someone will locate them eventually. It's best if they're ready when it happens.

They're hiding in a mostly uninhabited area on a planet in the Outer Rim right now, because constantly traveling around is pointless and a waste of their limited resources. But it means they do have a good, open area to spar without anyone seeing them.

"You haven't fought in a while," Obi-Wan comments, "We should be prepared in case the Empire locates us."

Anakin agrees, of course – even if he had objections, Obi-Wan doubts he would express them.

Predictably, his mind immediately jumps to their last fight on Ryloth, and Obi-Wan is... not proud of how that ended. He didn't – doesn't want to see Anakin's body lying motionless at his feet again. He doesn't want to hurt him again. Being around Anakin is reminding him of everything they once had, far more than his own memories ever could, and it feels impossibly hard to find. Vader doesn't feel like Anakin anymore. He's no longer the same brilliant, flaming star, especially not as of late. Since Obi-Wan came, especially, he's been... muted. Duller. Like a fire dying out, that's burned so long it's burning on nothing except its own ashes and embers and heat.

It's not even the same black rage that Vader had felt of when Obi-Wan first saw him – this is something else, though it's coming back, one bit at a time. It's relieving and terrifying at once, because these are the bits of Anakin he wants to see again, but it's also accompanied with the knowledge that this is what happened to Anakin, this is what he became, when no one was there to stop it.

Truthfully, Obi-Wan still finds drawing on the Dark Side occasionally hard. In the aftermath of losing Anakin, it was all he could feel, but now that he's here, he's much less inclined to draw on his anger, and he doesn't have enough of anything else to fuel him when it comes to fighting. Maybe he just hasn't had a real fight in too long.

Obi-Wan thought it would be alright, but he doesn't know why, because even he still has nightmares about Mustafar. It's a little different when he sees their blades clash – both red – but he can still remember vividly what it looked like when their blue blades clashed repeatedly. There were so many times where they both could've died there.

He still remembers what it felt like when Anakin's mechanical hand wrapped around his neck and started strangling him. That anger, that rage – he's never seen any of it in Anakin before, and he still doesn't understand where it came from.

He recognizes his breathing rate is picking up, and it's not from sparring; it's... whatever this is. He's not really sure. Either way, he knows better than to push it, especially when Anakin's blows are so sharp and brutal. He's not holding back. He wants to win, the same way he always used to.

Obi-Wan shoves him back with the Force, stepping back and extinguishing his lightsaber. "Stand down," he orders sharply.

Anakin freezes, hands still on his lightsaber, and just... waits.

Obi-Wan can see his confusion and wariness without even trying. Either it's that Anakin projects as loudly now as he always did, or Obi-Wan's known him enough to be able to read him without even trying.

Both are likely.

Right now, he's too busy trying to find some semblance of calm. It's not easy when it's alluded him for years.

Being right here, in Anakin's dark presence, isn't helping.

Frankly, Obi-Wan is surprised this didn't happen sooner. He knew he'd have to deal with it if he found Anakin again, because he can't just forget what happened on Mustafar. He never expected to find that Anakin was struggling with the same thing, though he doesn't know why – it was Anakin who took the brunt of it, after all.

"Put that away," he orders, not caring to try sounding gentle. Normally, he would, but now, he's spiraling enough that it doesn't matter.

He misses Anakin, the one that was light and caring and gentle. His Anakin of years ago would be hovering over him right now, asking if he's alright, but now, Anakin does nothing except stand there, slowly re-clipping his lightsaber to his belt.

He knows Anakin doesn't even remember how to be like that, and may well not even want to be anymore, considering everything that happened between them, but the distance still hurts in some inexplicable way that Obi-Wan can't begin to understand.

"Are you ill?" Anakin queries, and the question sounds so utterly ridiculous considering the circumstances.

"Perhaps," Obi-Wan replies, tone clipped. He just... wants to get away, somewhere, for a while. Obi-Wan turns, walking a distance off, settling down to meditate. He draws the Force in, wrapping it around himself. Fear does fuel the Dark Side, though it hurts it's Anakin he's afraid of. He never would've thought that possible, no matter how Anakin was sometimes so... intense. Passionate. Everything he was. Not is. He knew from the start, so he doesn't know why it feels like he's realizing for the first time that Anakin is gone.

It takes an irritatingly long time for him to calm himself, likely only because everything in his life leads him back to Anakin. It's hard to focus on anything else.

When he finally does, Anakin is kneeling in front him, motionless. He hasn't moved since either of them came here. Obi-Wan studies him in silence for a brief moment, uncertain what to tell him. He's worn out, too much to deal with this right now. "Perhaps you can spar against training droids if we ever get ahold of any," he suggests at length, because what else can he say, really?

It's not as if he can really explain the problem, and seeing that Anakin is the problem, he's definitely not telling him that, for multiple reasons.

"We can continue with... other aspects of your training meanwhile," he adds. Like perhaps learning from those holocrons. Maybe that will get him to show some visible interest or just something other than this dullness. He can only hope.

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