Chapter 8 - Awakening
Author's Note: The road towards healing will be rocky, but... well, enjoy! :'D
~ Amina Gila
Vader returns to consciousness slowly. The first thing he realizes is that he feels different. The Force is stronger, more present, and he doesn't hurt everywhere. He doesn't feel that exhaustion that he's so used to either. He feels... in a way he hasn't in so long that he no longer remembers what it was once like.
When he opens his eyes again, it's to somewhere in a medbay, but he's in a bed, not the operating table he last remembers. He can actually see colors again, instead of just red. On occasion, of course, he could when he was in his meditation pod, but this is different. Especially because his eyesight is clear, unlike it's been since... Mustafar.
And he hasn't felt something this soft since – since before.
Obi-Wan is standing near his bed, unsurprisingly, an expectant look on his face. Currently, his eyes are blue, but that doesn't say much about how easily he can flip out.
Vader instinctively moves to sit up but freezes mid-move at the sudden feel of the bed underneath his palms. He sucks in a startled breath, looking down at his arms. (For a moment, he really wishes that Obi-Wan wasn't watching all of this, though his former master seems to be now rather pointedly studying something on the other side of the room.) They're still prosthetic, but he can feel with them.
Now that he's actually thinking about it, the sensation isn't quite the same as it used to be, but he hasn't touched something with his human hands in so long he's no longer sure he remembers the difference.
The fact that he can feel is far more than he could ask for.
As is, the place where his prosthetics connect to him don't hurt like they used to. Or at all, really. He doesn't even know how to cope without that pain.
"I couldn't actually regenerate them. The droids said these are the best prosthetics available," Obi-Wan says a little somberly. Vader just wishes that moment when he lost his limbs didn't promptly flash through his mind.
But this doesn't entirely make sense either way because there is no reason Obi-Wan would be this... kind. He isn't. And Sith do not... be like this. And he doesn't know why his master would do this when he knows how much it would dampen his connection to the Dark Side – it's fueled by pain, after all, and if he can't constantly feed that into the Dark Side, he has no idea how to do this.
"They are... acceptable," he offers uncertainly.
"How do you feel?"
He doesn't know how to answer that. He doesn't know what that means. "What do you desire of me?" he inquires instead. It's jarring to sound the way he did when he was younger again. He can hardly remember what it was like to be free, and it's admittedly quite unnerving to be so in Obi-Wan's presence. Without his armor, he feels... exposed.
Obi-Wan eyes him searchingly for a moment. "We will continue our search for your family," he replies finally, "I have a lead now that may work."
Finally. He had been questioning if they would find a way, but at least there is a chance of it – though the thought of seeing Padme again fills him with dread more than anything else. Will she accept him? Or will she reject him like she did on Mustafar? He still doesn't understand why she brought Obi-Wan there or why she was lying to him. He doesn't want to ask Obi-Wan for answers about that, either.
It was Padme who betrayed him, and who he betrayed.
... more than once.
"How am I to use the Dark Side without pain to fuel it?" he asks, because he doesn't know what to say to that. Physical pain was hardly the only thing that fueled it, but it was still much of it. Already it's not responding him to quite the same way. And the pain had made it easier to focus on nothing but the mission, no matter what it was. Thinking of anything more was too taxing.
Obi-Wan blinks. "You are aware," he asks slowly, "That all emotions are of the Dark Side, are you not?"
"That is not –" He catches himself before he outright contradicts his master. "What Sidious taught me," he finishes instead.
"He was a sadist," Obi-Wan practically snarls, "Of course, he taught you that."
The sharpness of the tone nearly makes him flinch. He looks away instead – seeing Obi-Wan with his own eyes is just another sharp reminder of their past. For the first time, though, he can sense a strange sort of exhaustion from his master.
"Pain and anger are not all that fuel it. I told you this before."
"I do not... understand," he says, finally. He can't see how any other emotions can be dark. "How is love of the Dark Side?"
"It is passion," Obi-Wan replies, something oddly intense in his gaze, "It will fuel you if you draw on it. It may not be what you are used to, but it makes you no less a Sith."
Vader has no idea what to say to that. He supposes it's true on some level; he just can't imagine doing it after so long. Without the constant pain, it feels easier to imagine, though.
Obi-Wan moves closer suddenly – too suddenly, but everything his master does is enough to set him off, starting with his mere presence – settling on the edge of the bed next to him. Vader isn't quite sure what to make of that, but the knowledge that, for the first time in years, he has someone so close to him, someone who's willing to touch him is... overwhelming. More than he could ask for or even imagine.
His master reaches out to touch him, hand resting lightly on his shoulder before trailing lightly across his back.
Vader inhales sharply at the contact, simultaneously a sudden reminder that he can breathe on his own once more, and leans into it, desperately. He needs to know this is real, and in that moment, his raw desperation overtakes common sense, and he can't stop himself from begging for more.
For years, he's been lost, trapped, isolated, alone. That's not true anymore. It hasn't been since Obi-Wan came back, though he resolutely ignores how he feels about the fact that it was his master who made him like this in the first place. He needs this more than he's afraid of what Obi-Wan could do to him.
Yes, being vulnerable with someone terrifies him, but at the same time, he cannot push Obi-Wan away – it wouldn't be his place even if he could find it in himself to do so. Does this make him weak? Then again, Vader has always been weak in that way. Sidious was continually getting after him for it.
"We should get some rest before we do anything else," Obi-Wan tells him. There's something in his voice that reminds Vader of that time when he briefly fell asleep in his presence. He seemed... almost happy about something. Like the way he used to be with Anakin, years and a lifetime ago.
Vader makes a sound of agreement, torn on whether he should reach back or not. He wants to. He's just... afraid to encourage it, encourage this. But Obi-Wan isn't letting go of him, isn't pulling away like he once would've if they ever ended up in this position.
That doesn't mean Vader can understand this though, because he's been pointedly denied such things for so long that finally embracing and feeling them again is... unreal.
And unnerving.
But right now, he's too desperate to care.
And yet, being here again, feeling – no matter how much it's overwhelming his senses, even to the point of being almost painful – it reminds him of what it was like to be Anakin Skywalker. It reminds him of all the ways he once thought of Obi-Wan as his home.
Reminds him of everything they once had but didn't.
"Are you crying?" Obi-Wan asks almost disbelievingly, raising one of his hands to press to Anakin's cheek.
No. Yes. Maybe? With how wet it suddenly feels, probably. He doesn't verbally answer anyway, only pressing closer.
"Does it hurt?" he asks a bit hesitantly.
For a moment, Vader has no idea what the answer to that question is supposed to be. Finally, he shakes his head, still not opening his eyes again.
"Good."
Vader just stays there for a while longer, nestled in his master's arms, soaking up the warmth of another living being for the first time since he lost that ability. He never thought it possible to get it back, and...
He does have to be grateful to Obi-Wan for this. No matter what it is he'll do from here on out.
It's Obi-Wan who moves first, of course, hands shifting up to his shoulders again. "Lay down," he orders, but he says it softly – it's not dangerous, and Vader finds himself complying without a second thought. Maybe it's just that he's too exhausted right now to do anything else.
But this is – really – reminding him of when they were younger, of... things that he hasn't let himself dwell on for so long, because it hurt too much, and it was always so obvious that he would never have Obi-Wan back, at least not one that didn't want to hurt him, but this gentleness is so confusing. And he'd do anything to keep it here.
There's a quiet shuffling and Obi-Wan tugs the blanket up over him before lying down beside him. The intimacy of this isn't something he's had since... he was with Padme. Years ago. But he wants this, and when Obi-Wan slips his arm around him, Vader reaches back, curling himself around it and just... holding on.
Hoping desperately that for whatever all it is the Force hates him for, it won't take this from him again.
He didn't... mean to fall asleep. It just happened somehow – he doesn't feel safe enough in Obi-Wan's presence to do so, but he finds himself slowly waking up again, anyway. The warmth beside him is gone now, but his master's hand is trailing lightly across his forehead. The touch is so, so familiar, so much like his master, but Vader knows this isn't that Obi-Wan any longer.
Sidious did this to him sometimes, too. Rarely.
But his master touching him is...
Now that the initial rush of it is over, it floods him with anxiety. When a presence touches his mind, he instinctively lowers his shields, knowing better than to fight, because fighting hurts. And why make it worse than it already will be? He's used to this, by now. Sidious did it all the time, after all. If – if Obi-Wan wants to do the same thing Sidious did – ripping through his mind and making him constantly relive his worst nightmares because it strengthened the Dark Side, and he needs to learn control – he can't... refuse.
"Anakin," Obi-Wan's voice sounds in his mind, and he shudders. Maybe he associated that voice with love and home once, but now, it's brought almost nothing but pain and darkness.
"Anakin, wake up," the voice orders, firmly. "Follow me."
And yes, he's scared, but if it means finding a way out of this, how could he say no? Vader pulls back to himself, sitting up. His head is spinning for a moment – maybe he's still overwhelmed by everything, after all. The sheer number of senses is overloading his brain. "How long has it been?" he asks, trying to distract himself.
"A few hours, at most," Obi-Wan replies. There's something pained in his eyes, and Vader knows why, though he wishes he didn't. "Did he really do that to you?" he asks finally.
The question leaves him instantly uncomfortable; not that comfortable is possible for him right now. "I think you know the answer to that."
Obi-Wan nods, though the troubled look doesn't leave his face. "Yes," he confirms, "And I – I did not realize it would bring back something like that."
"It's fine," Vader replies, roughly, and he wishes he believed it. He doesn't even know what to think about the fact that Obi-Wan is upset about it. For Vader, it has been a constant part of his life for... a long time.
"Once I get the droids to stop fussing over you, we may leave," Obi-Wan adds. "Though I still question how easy it will be to locate Padme." Vader only nods, uncertain how else to respond. It's still jarring not to have his field of vision limited, or – or anything, and knowing that it won't happen again. (Probably.)
**w**
For the first time in a long time, Obi-Wan dares to hope that maybe they do have the chance of fixing something between them. Anakin has been... different since he woke up, at least a little. He doesn't seem quite so dark, though that's probably partly because he's no longer in constant pain.
For as much as Obi-Wan wants him as his apprentice again, in a way, he also wishes he could be Light again. There was nothing quite like the feel of his apprentice's burning presence, with all its intensity, when it was light.
He wants to see him like that again. Or maybe it's just that he misses Anakin's cheerfulness, his smile.
Maybe someday he'll see it again, but he thinks they have a long way to go in reaching that point.
But there's work to be done, for as much as he almost wants to hold him in his arms again, the way he was hours ago. He doesn't know when he'll actually have another chance – Anakin doesn't always seem that comfortable with their proximity.
Obi-Wan leaves Anakin to talk to the med-droids about the rest of his physical recovery. Apparently, he's not fully used to his weight distribution, so he needs to re-learn to walk properly.
Obi-Wan doesn't think Anakin would be comfortable with his presence in that, and he isn't either. He just wishes they could put what happened behind them, even if he knows it's not that simple. He'll help Anakin if he wants it, but for that, at least, he highly doubts Anakin will want him around.
The same is true for when he's getting used to actually eating again, something else he's been unable to do since Mustafar.
With all of that, it's no wonder Anakin keeps... acting as though he can't just let go of it. How could he? Still, that doesn't mean Obi-Wan doesn't wish they could have what they once did.
He also tries hard to ignore how he sees Anakin running his hands over everything whenever he gets the chance if he thinks no one's watching him.
They're in Anakin's temporary room on Polis Massa, meditating, when Obi-Wan starts to sense his growingly turbulent emotions. Seeing as they're mediating in the Dark Side it's not surprising, but still. And Obi-Wan's slightly hesitant about touching Anakin's presence too much – he still can't forget how Anakin had thought he was going to invade his mind. He can't believe Sidious used to do that so regularly, and that Anakin wouldn't even... protest.
"What is it?" Obi-Wan asks once they come out of their meditation, frowning.
Anakin shifts, looking down. His arms are wrapped around himself, as though he's trying to make himself small. "Why do this?" he asks. Obi-Wan's still getting used to hearing Anakin's voice again, instead of the vocoder. "Why... heal me?"
Why are they even discussing this again? Hasn't he already made it obvious? "How could I not?" Obi-Wan asks, "You never deserved to live like that."
His fingers twist in his robes, and he doesn't look up. "Then why? Why did you do it?"
"We already spoke of this," he replies, tiredly. And he has no desire to talk about it again.
"I do not understand," he admits, and it's the slightest tremor in his voice that stills Obi-Wan's... admitted irritation that he's bringing it up again.
"Must I repeat it again?"
"But how could you? You – You were supposed to be good."
How is he supposed to react to that? "I... did want to hurt you," he admits reluctantly, "At the time, my lust for vengeance thoroughly consumed me. And once I started, I didn't know how to stop. The Jedi do not prepare for that... emotional intensity."
Anakin looks away, his face mostly hidden by his hood. This is so hauntingly familiar, Obi-Wan doesn't entirely know how to handle it, especially when seeing Anakin like this is somehow reminding him even more of Mustafar. "I am aware the Jedi way was... blinding you, but it was of the Dark Side. You were not Fallen yet."
"I was not as perfect as you believe me to be," he replies.
"I could never have... imagined you capable." There's a note of sharp bitterness in his voice now.
"I could not have either," Obi-Wan admits. Seeing Anakin like this again makes it so much more visible how scared he is. It hurts more than anything to see. Anakin never used to be like this. That he is now is a sense of how badly Obi-Wan failed him.
Anakin is studying him with a shadowed expression on his face now, one Obi-Wan can't read. His fear rolls into the Force, layered on layer, and a sort of distant anger that's burnt out enough that he's too scared and exhausted to be angry. "I trusted you."
"And I, you," Obi-Wan reminds, "With anything. I gave you the mission by the Jedi Council because I thought you could carry it out. I thought you would make it work."
"It was you who betrayed the Republic," Anakin accuses. Obi-Wan doesn't miss how he nearly flinches right after. Obi-Wan doesn't miss how tense and... skittish he is. He hasn't seen his apprentice like that since he was a child, right after coming to the Temple when he was fresh out of slavery. Somehow, Sidious managed to get him entirely back into that mindset. It's frustrating, because Anakin isn't reacting the slightest bit like Obi-Wan remembers him as having used to – he would, sometimes, get angry if Obi-Wan said something that accusing.
"The Jedi betrayed the Chancellor, not the Republic," Obi-Wan reminds, "There is a difference."
Anakin says nothing, eyes downcast.
He loathes how it feels like interacting with Anakin is like dealing with broken glass. A human should never be this broken, this fragile. He can only hope time will fix this, though he can't say he thinks it will. He doesn't know how long he can deal with Anakin being so...
Something.
"I do not intend to hurt you again," Obi-Wan says finally, after a long, awkward, pause of silence. He just hopes that's what Anakin needs to hear right now. It's the most he can offer, because he's not as in control of the situation as he would like, and he very much does not appreciate that.
Anakin still doesn't speak. Idly, Obi-Wan suspects he doesn't know what to say, anyway.
"What is it you want?" Obi-Wan asks finally. It occurs to him, then, he's never really thought about that before. He came looking for him and did all this because he wanted Anakin back. He never really considered what Anakin may want. Maybe he just didn't, and still doesn't, want the answer. "What would make this... easier?"
Anakin looks more than a little mind-blown at the question. "I... do not know."
He expected as much, but that hardly helps the situation. "I cannot help you if I do not know how." He doesn't know that he's ever known, though.
"There is nothing you can do," he replies, bitterly.
"Perhaps not," he concedes, a little reluctantly, "But what would help? Even if it's... unattainable?" And he had better not say 'dying'.
Anakin is quiet for a long moment, long enough that he wonders if he's going to say anything. "Finding my children." He looks down, fingers twisting in his robes. "For all of this to... not have happened." It comes out almost inaudible.
It reminds Obi-Wan of what he was thinking before, and he won't deny his instant flare of hopefulness. "Would you prefer not having to remember it?"
Anakin looks up sharply, warily. "What?"
"I do not know how, but there is a way to suppress memories through the Dark Side, although it is... invasive. But you would not have to remember it, if you do not wish to."
He's gone completely rigid now, and –
Okay, maybe bringing it up now so soon after Anakin thought he would insist on access to his mind wasn't a good idea.
"It would be your choice," he adds soothingly, "I would never do it without your consent." Even if he so badly wants to, sometimes. Then again, he doesn't know if even that would help. It's not as if they never had problems in the past either. And then, he'd have to explain to a mind-wiped, Jedi Anakin why he was Fallen.
"What would that change?" he asks roughly, though he seems to relax the slightest bit. Maybe. It's often hard to tell.
"Nothing, I suppose," Obi-Wan concedes, "But it may make it easier for you."
Anakin shakes his head, looking down. "It would be a lie. If I did not know what happened, I would be unprepared to face it again."
It hits him for one of the first times how little Anakin trusts him. He can't blame him for it, but he still expected otherwise for some reason. "You won't have to... deal with that again," he argues, anyway. He knows there's always a chance of Anakin betraying him again, but... He also knows he would never let things get nearly that far again. But it's not as if Anakin has reason to believe that. (He already has hurt him several times since they met again.) "I told you, I have no desire to hurt you."
"I never believed you would then, either."
Something inside him twists sharply. It's not meant as an accusation, but it still feels like one. "I told you, I was blinded by the Dark Side then."
"As was I."
"We both have learned... control of the Dark Side. There is no reason for us to fight anymore," Obi-Wan insists. He wishes it were easier for Anakin to understand that, though. It's not easy for either of them to be around each other, and he hates how stressful it is. He loathes being uncertain of whether he'll have to constantly watch his back, of whether or not Anakin will turn on him again. Maybe he's trying to convince himself of this as much as he is Anakin. He frankly has no idea how to be what Anakin needs. He doesn't know how to bring them back together, to sort out the problems they're now struggling with.
Anakin glances up at him and just as quickly looks away. He had the same look on his face on Mustafar, Obi-Wan realizes suddenly. That strange sort of submissiveness and fear, like he's too afraid to keep fighting back. What could have happened to someone like Anakin to make him this way, Obi-Wan has no idea.
Anakin always fights. Too much, even – they had struggled with it as Jedi. It had irked Obi-Wan to no end that Anakin was so aggressive, so desperate to win. Obi-Wan has always wondered why, but he never asked. He doesn't know how he could. It's not the kind of question you ask.
"Will you always fear me?" he queries finally.
"It is what – a master demands," he answers instead. Whatever that means.
"I don't demand it," Obi-Wan argues.
"You are my master."
"Why are you like this?" Obi-Wan demands finally. "You slide between submissiveness and aggressiveness. I have no way to predict when and why."
"I am not who you remember," Anakin reminds, "And being near you is... not easy."
He says it like he's ashamed to admit it and considering what Obi-Wan has gathered about how Sidious treated him, he probably is. "I know. It is not for me, either," he concesses. Ever since that moment, he's been torn apart by a constant, ceaseless agony with the knowledge that Anakin was gone. It faded with hope, maybe desperation, when he learned Anakin somehow survived. But now that he's back here, being forced to confront everything they went through, it's... much harder.
And it will always hurt, knowing that Anakin isn't the same child he once was, that he's been hurt and broken to points that he can't even imagine, let alone know how to help. But he has never known how to help Anakin, has he?
"I'm – I apologize," Anakin offers quietly. "For... everything I did there. I was not in my right mind either, and I know I... should not have lashed out at you."
Obi-Wan's momentarily taken aback by the apology. Anakin hasn't implied anything of that nature before, though he shouldn't be so surprised – of course, this is happening. It's Anakin. He wouldn't be Anakin if he didn't feel regret for what happened.
"I cannot pretend that will make me forget what you have done, but I... accept your apology."
"Thank you, Master," Anakin says quietly. Obi-Wan leans forwards, pulling his apprentice into a tight embrace. It's the second time it actually feels like he's holding Anakin, and it hurts, but at least he's here.
There's a moment before Anakin responds, but when he does, he winds his arms around Obi-Wan's waist and presses his head against his chest. It's... the first time Anakin has seemed to genuinely respond, he realizes.
"I missed you," Anakin whispers, voice barely audible. "So much."
His chest tightens sharply, and Obi-Wan tightens his grip protectively. "I missed you too, little one. I would have done anything to have you back." This is the first time he senses a surge of adoration and desperation from his apprentice, the desperate craving and longing for something more.
It makes him desperately miss the times when they were younger, those fleeting moments when they had nothing in the stars to worry about, except their blinding love for each other. That changed as Anakin grew older, as Sidious came in, and then later when... Padme did. (And no, Obi-Wan will not admit that he still feels stupidly, wildly jealous of her, and that Anakin would even think of choosing her over him when he's the one who gave Anakin everything.)
"Stay with me," he requests, "I know I am not what you thought I was either, but we are still the same."
Anakin nods against him, a fierce yearning flowing freely into the Force. "I understand," he replies, voice muffled.
"Good."
It's not as though there's anything Obi-Wan can say to him except that – he wishes there was, wishes there was some way he could make this better, but he has never been able to. But if Anakin was... willing to apologize, maybe there's a small hope of something. Maybe.
Final Notes: Reviews are always appreciated! ^-^
Come hang out on Discord (delete spaces), discord . gg / nqSxuz2 or find us on tumblr at fanfictasia (our more serious blog which does have controversial posts on it; I won't be offended if you choose to block it, promise), and disastertriowriting (which is our fun blog with crack posts or incorrect SW quotes)
We've got a YT channel for tributes! (delete the spaces) youtube channel / UC_g1M5rSCxJUzQCRS29B6pA
ALSO: We have SW gift request forms for General, Anakin-Clones-centric, and Bad Batch fics. :D (delete spaces) bit . ly / CourtesyTrefflinFicRequests