Chapter 9 - Padme

Author's Note: Don't expect Vader and Padme to sort things out easily... if ever. xP

~ Amina Gila

He will admit to feeling slightly better after talking to Obi-Wan, but it only makes him long for the past even more. Vader had spent so much time trying to disassociate himself from his past, so it wouldn't feel quite so much like it was tearing him apart. The loss and everything that happened to him on Mustafar was too much for him to handle.

Now that he and Obi-Wan are interacting slightly more freely, it's bringing back everything that he's tried so hard to forget. It reminds him of everything he so desperately doesn't want to remember.

Because craving for the past will not bring it back. Wishing Obi-Wan hadn't done everything he did to him won't undo the past any more than it can for Vader's own actions.

His fear of showing weakness is driving Vader to keep his distance, but he's growing accustomed to the fear the same way he was with Sidious. It's a constant, ever-present part of his life now. And yes, he hates that Obi-Wan has this effect on him, but he hates himself even more for letting everything go down the way it did. He wishes he hadn't fought back there. Maybe that's part of why it feels like he can't now. (He wishes he hadn't... hurt Obi-Wan there, even if it was all in self-defense. Even if nothing Vader did there was against the Jedi way.)

But either way, they're on their way to Tatooine, where they finally succeeded in tracking Padme. It's been two months since it all started, and it hasn't been nearly long enough for Vader to grow accustomed to their relationship, or the fact that Sidious is gone, but they have something, at least.

But nothing in the galaxy could begin preparing him to see Padme again. Vader still hasn't dared to ask Obi-Wan why she brought him to Mustafar, what he did to her that made her betray him (or what she did to him), but he has no doubt it's going to end up coming up, and he... wants answers, but he fears them even more. He fears that his view of Obi-Wan might somehow be shattered farther.

Once, he thought it was neigh impossible for Obi-Wan to break the Jedi Code. Except he has, in ways worse than even Vader himself has done – and he doesn't... know how far that went. (Palpatine had warned him about it. He himself had feared for Padme's disloyalty. He just doesn't know how far it went. Doesn't want to.)

Except now that they're here, there's no backing out.

Vader lands the ship near the homestead, heart pounding. He holds back mentioning his concerns as he always does. Obi-Wan doesn't need to know how scared he is.

The engine powers down and the ramp lowers. This is the same as every landing, but it somehow doesn't feel like it.

"Are you ready?" Obi-Wan asks him.

Certainly not. "Yes."

"Then come along. We haven't all day." He's being cranky again. Is it where they are, who they're meeting, or something else Vader did that he's choosing to complain about? It's not as if he's about to ask his master that question.

Keeping back a long list of very snarky comments, Vader follows him outside. This is really not the best planet in the galaxy to be wearing black.

Truthfully, he's just trying to distract himself from the inevitable. He doesn't – doesn't want to see Padme again. He's never going to be ready for that.

They've scarcely interacted with people aside from each other, but the times they have, it's always been brief. (Maybe that's why they're so close.) The thought of interacting with someone else who Vader was close to before scares him.

"She doesn't know you're alive," Obi-Wan warns him, "Stay out here. I'll go in and talk to her."

Reluctantly, he stays a distance from the ship, and just... waits. He doesn't know if she'll accept or reject him. Likely, she'll reject him like she did on Mustafar, like Obi-Wan did, like he nearly does now.

He doesn't have to wait long before he sees Obi-Wan step out of the house again, followed by Padme. She's dressed very differently, nothing of the fancy Senatorial clothes she normally wore before, but it's unmistakably her.

She's alive.

It didn't feel quite so real until this very moment. He's undeniably glad she's alive, but he's not ready to see her. Not now.

All he can remember is everything that happened on Mustafar with her, and... They're approaching, though, and all he can do is stand rooted to the spot, watching.

Padme stops in front of Obi-Wan, looking up at him almost disbelievingly. "How did you find us here?"

"We tracked you," Obi-Wan replies, "It certainly took a while."

"Who's the we?" she demands sharply, "And I thought I made it abundantly clear that you are not welcome here."

Vader can't quite say why that angers him, but somehow, he is angry to hear someone speaking to his master in such a manner.

"We were searching for you," he repeats.

Her gaze jumps to him instantly when he starts speaking. "Anakin," she breathes, and he can't quite read her tone, "You – He said you were dead."

"I believed you gone," Vader replies, stiffly. He has no idea how to talk to her. He doesn't know if she even wants him here.

"I thought him dead at the time, but he survived," Obi-Wan tells her bluntly. "I found him after I left. There were advantages to not staying near you."

She gives him an unimpressed look, and Vader can't help but wonder what's with them. They seem angry with each other, and he's not sure why. "What happened?" Padme asks, her eyes on Vader, "If you were alive, where were you?"

"I served the Empire," he replies bluntly. What else can he say? It's the truth even if he knows she won't like it.

He feels the faintest flicker of alarm from her – probably fearing it's the Empire that's tracked her here. "Is that why you've been searching for me?" she demands.

"In case you haven't heard, we're traitors to the Empire now. Sidious is dead," Obi-Wan cuts in, "But Tarkin isn't any better."

"I knew the Emperor was dead. I didn't know you were involved."

"I came to – find you. And our children," Vader explains haltingly. Really, it had been for the twins, but he doesn't need to specify that.

There's a long, nearly awkward, pause of silence as they look at each other. "I thought you two were... fighting," she states finally.

"We worked it out," Obi-Wan replies, "After you told me to leave."

"I don't understand," she says, shaking her head, "You told me he was dead. How...?"

Of course, she's in shock – she would've had no way of knowing what happened. No one has any way of knowing what happened, not after Obi-Wan healed him, and Vader is somehow grateful about that.

"He was injured," Obi-Wan thankfully speaks for him. Although he doesn't want to talk about this at all right now. "Sidious... found him. He recovered."

She seems unsure how to respond. "What are you doing now?"

"May I see them?" Vader asks finally. That's all he wants right now.

She nods curtly after a moment, turning for the house. "I will have to explain to them what happened."

Vader glances at Obi-Wan, hesitant, uncertain how to handle this. He doesn't know... What this will mean, or if he should go on and enter. All he does know, without a doubt, is that he doesn't feel comfortable here.

She doesn't seem to want them here, and he can't really blame her for that, but he doesn't know what it will mean going forward. All he wanted was to find them; he never considered where it might go from there.

Up ahead, he can feel their Force presences shining brilliantly, as they wait outside for Padme to come back. Guilt is drowning him now that he's seeing her again. He could have killed her. He didn't, but he thought he did long enough that it still hasn't fully sunk in that he didn't.

He doesn't know how long he's been standing there waiting, but he's not ready for this either.

"Are you alright?" Obi-Wan asks him quietly.

"By what measure?"

"I cannot imagine meeting her again is easy."

"It is... not as I expected."

Vader doesn't know if it feels like too long or not long enough when the door opens again, and Padme steps out, followed by the twins. They're so small, and –

They're his children. All he ever wanted. And it leaves him feeling suddenly speechless again. They're... everything.

"You're our father?" Leia asks curiously, moving closer.

"I am," he replies, crouching in front of them – thinking distantly that only weeks ago he wouldn't have been able to do this without it hurting.

"You look like me!" Luke realizes eagerly, staring up at him.

It's only so obvious now because his hair is just starting to grow back. It's still jarring to – to be so human again. Had he found them any sooner, he wouldn't even have been able to see them with his own eyes. At least not without letting them see what he'd become.

"Mommy always said you were dead," Leia says, "But I knew you weren't!"

Some unable emotion tightens in his chest, talking to them finally. He's silently grateful the other two are giving them... space. "How did you know?"

"Felt it!" she insists.

"We watched the sky because we knew you were there," Luke asserts proudly.

It reminds him sharply of how he once did that – partly because he dreamed of being free, but also because he wanted a father. (He never truly thought of what that would mean.)

"I... did not know where you were," he says, finally. He doesn't need them to know that he thought they were dead. It's not a story they need to know anything about at this age.

"Why?" Luke asks. "Mommy said you used to live here!"

"A long time ago," he replies. In another lifetime. It hits him that that his mother's grave isn't far away. He doesn't think he'd be able to go anywhere near there anymore – not after what he's done.

"Are you gonna stay?" Leia queries hopefully.

Vader glances up at Padme, uncertainly. Her expression says little about what she wants but she doesn't seem like she wants him to leave. At least not yet. "Yes. I... will."

Luke lets out an excited squeal, and Leia reaches forwards, snatching his hand. "Come! We can show you around!"

He stands, letting them pull him into the house. It's small, but all houses on Tatooine are. He's not quite expecting it when he sees Sabe and someone else he doesn't recognize there, but it isn't surprising.

Padme has never lived by herself. She's always had people working for her, and it's something that makes him admittedly uncomfortable sometimes. It's just... he's only used to slavers having people like that – even if he obviously knows the situation is totally different – and it's strange to think of his children having grown up that way.

But he wanted them to grow up as royalty, never having to fear all the things he did. So much for that – they lived in it, even if they weren't as far down in society as Anakin himself was. He should have protected them from all of this.

**w**

Vader wants to spend more time with the twins, but he knows this... conversation with Padme is something he needs to have soon. Neither of them has forgotten what happened, and he's been away from Padme far more than he's been with her, and that makes interacting with her even more difficult. He's accustomed to her being gone. He doesn't know how to accept her back into his life, and he has no doubt the same is true in the reverse.

Sabe is keeping the twins distracted in the next room, and Obi-Wan is... he doesn't know where he is exactly, when they find a moment alone.

He has no idea what to say.

"Anakin," she says finally.

That's not who he is but telling Padme that will likely only make this more difficult. "Do our... presences upset you?" he asks bluntly because he needs to know that.

He's not good at reading people anymore, so he genuinely has no idea what she thinks of him.

"... I have believed you dead for a long time." That doesn't really answer either way.

"Are you... alright with us staying here?" It's what he needs to know most. If she's not... He doesn't know what they'll do.

She hesitates for a moment. "You may," she replies finally, "We will have to work out living arrangements. We don't have... spare rooms here."

"We can... remain on our ship," Vader offers. He can't imagine actually living in the same house as her – they've never done that before, and now, it would be... uncomfortable. For everyone. They aren't what they once were, and he doesn't know if they even could have what he once dreamed of anymore. He can't even hope for it.

It wouldn't work anyway when he's forever sworn himself to a master.

"We'll see." She's quiet for a long moment, and there's something almost visibly pained in her eyes for a moment. "We could have had everything, Ani."

Could they have?

For years, he thought so, but now, seeing her again, he doesn't know. Not as if much of what happened isn't his fault, but still. Guilt coils in him sharply, forever fueling him. It was so much easier when he wasn't confronting her, but there's one thing he still needs to know. "You brought Obi-Wan to kill me, didn't you?"

Her expression hardens again, and she takes a step away from him. (He tries not to think about Mustafar.) "No. You weren't listening to me. That's what I was trying to tell you."

But – she didn't?

And that means... "What happened?" he asks, suddenly numb.

"He wanted to know where you were. I didn't tell him, but he snuck onto the ship when I was leaving. I didn't know he was there."

Obi-Wan snuck along. He... it was never Padme who did it. And all these years he thought she betrayed him, and – Anger starts filling him instantly. That means Obi-Wan used her. He thought it was Padme to blame for it. Not... Obi-Wan. "I did not... realize," he says. It sounds lame even to his ears. It doesn't change that he hurt her.

"As I said, you weren't listening to me," she replies steely, "We could have been together had you come with me. Obi-Wan would have been there, too, to help –"

His anger – this time at her – comes rushing back full force, remembering when she'd said him there. He knew she was lying on Mustafar when she said Obi-Wan wanted to help him. She wasn't even deceived into believing that. She knew it was a lie, and now, she just admitted herself that Obi-Wan came to talk to her to get his location out of her. After that, Anakin couldn't trust any of what she was saying anymore, and one thing had led to the next. And now, she –

"Help?" he repeats, furiously, "You knew he was coming to kill me."

She gives him an unimpressed look. "He's with you now. If you worked things out now, you could have then, too."

When? When he was lying burning at Obi-Wan's feet as he walked away? When he would have begged for death if he'd even been able to speak? "Worked it out?" Vader snarls, "He is my master. I am his. If – if he desires to hurt me as he has before, he will. If I beg him to grant me solace, he will not, as he did not on Mustafar – is this what you consider 'worked out'?"

He walks out without looking back. He can't handle this anymore right now. He sinks into the sand a short distance away, and he has no idea how long he's been sitting there when he hears movement. Looking up, he sees the twins approaching, both looking worried.

"Are you okay?" Luke asks, frowning up at him, as they sit down on either side of him.

It shouldn't affect him so much that someone's even asking. No one's ever looked at him with concern since... he doesn't know. (Obi-Wan does sometimes, but everything is different with his master.) "I am, little ones," he promises, reaching out to lay a hand on their backs, focusing on the feel of being able to touch them.

Neither of them looks convinced. "Did Mommy make you sad?" Leia asks, frowning.

Vader blinks in surprise. "We were... talking," he answers finally.

"What did you do bad to make her mad?" Luke asks, a mixture of curious and sympathetic.

Why are they... it's a logical assumption, but something about the way they're speaking of her strikes him as strange. It's just not something he would have thought about asking someone about his own mother. Ever. She was... perfect. She was never angry with him, and he never saw her angry with anyone else, either.

And he can't begin to explain this to them. They don't deserve to be dragged into this mess. Maybe it would have been better if he had stayed away, somewhere they wouldn't be at risk of him hurting them.

"It's okay. You don't have to tell," Leia decides, scooting forwards and climbing into his lap, wrapping her tiny arms around him. Luke instantly joins on the other side, and Vader pulls them close, heart clenching painfully.

If Obi-Wan cares for him a fraction of... this, he doesn't see how he could ever have done what he did. He's trying to make it better and maybe Vader is beginning to dare to trust that, but he still can't understand. He doesn't understand how it's possible to knowingly hurt someone you love so deeply. He didn't mean to hurt Padme. It was... an accident. What Obi-Wan did was different. "Do not concern yourselves with this," Vader assures.

"We won't tell," Leia promises, pulling back enough to look at him with her piercing brown eyes, "She yells at us too, sometimes."

What?

Vader frowns, an instinctive protective urge swelling him. And why would Padme – "Why?"

"We do things she says are naughty," Luke offers.

That's...

"She should not... yell at you." He's hardly one to speak of raising children but still. His mother never did. Not once. That's not how to raise a child. (Anakin never yelled at Ahsoka, either. He snapped at her, sometimes, but he always apologized later.)

The only one who did was Watto.

And Obi-Wan.

Sidious didn't either, but his methods were hardly better. (Vader doesn't know why a part of him still can't figure out if he's more relieved to be free of him or misses him more.)

Luke shrugs slightly, and the twins snuggle closer. All he can do is sit there holding them, silently grateful that he at least has this now.

**w**

Now that they're here, Obi-Wan doesn't know what to think anymore. Vader has been... well, they haven't been around each other at all. He's reuniting with his family for the first time in years, so that's fair.

But seeing Padme only reminds Obi-Wan of when she told him to leave, and he doesn't feel welcome here, honestly. She probably doesn't want him here anymore than he wants her around, but she won't say anything because of Anakin. It's the same reason he's still tolerating it.

He was frankly expecting that Anakin and Padme would have a much happier reunion, though he doesn't know why. Things between them couldn't be so good anymore, after what happened on Mustafar. (He will admit, at least to himself, that he's... well, he's not glad, because Anakin is definitely hurting over it, but he's glad that Anakin hasn't immediately chosen Padme over him like it feels like he did before.)

He heads outside in search of Anakin, pausing when he sees him sitting in the sand a short distance away, holding the twins, who are now sleeping in his arms.

The attention Anakin's giving them – as opposed to Padme – doesn't bother him the same way.

The sudden... not quite jealousy that shoots through him is unrelated to that. It's – looking back, he knows how much he would have liked to just hold Anakin in his arms and be his father. Without worrying about the Jedi Code. Without trying to force Anakin to fit into an Order he could never truly belong in.

The twins are happy to have Anakin here, and... Obi-Wan knows Anakin is the best parent for them.

As a Jedi he would have let it go, but it's different when he's a Sith. He wishes he could redo everything he did with raising Anakin, but that's not a chance he'll ever get.

Obi-Wan approaches him quietly, unsurprised when Anakin suddenly stiffens, looking up. "She didn't bring you," he says evenly, obviously keeping his voice deliberately quiet because of the twins, but he's visibly angry. Which is... not a good sign. He thought they were getting somewhere. Until they came here. "You snuck along."

Right.

Perhaps he should have mentioned that. "I did," he answers, careful to keep his voice even, "When Yoda and I went to the Temple, he told me we had to destroy the Sith. I didn't want to go after you, but he knew I would not be able to defeat Sidious alone. I went to Padme. She was the only person I could think of that would know your whereabouts. I... told her what happened, and she refused to believe me. She knew why I was there. I never withheld my intentions from her. I believed she would be willing to see that you needed to be stopped."

"I thought she brought you there. That she – wanted you to do it. But it was only you." He doesn't know what to think of the angry and almost broken look on Anakin's face. "I didn't even want to fight you."

"I spent hours thinking only of what you did, preparing myself for confronting you," Obi-Wan interrupts. It hurts to talk about this, but now that they started, they can't leave it off halfway done. "I knew there was only one way it could end. I knew how much you cared about her. I saw it from the start. I saw you, after Geonosis – I did not know you were married, but I saw your... relationship. When I saw you choking her, I thought you were gone."

"I... panicked when I saw you," he says, looking away. "You – I knew how it would end, already, and I thought she brought you there. I lashed out. I didn't – mean to."

"Looking back, I know," Obi-Wan tells him, reaching out to touch Anakin's cheek, "But I was too lost in my rage to see it. I know we will both regret our actions forever." Anakin doesn't lean closer, but he doesn't pull away, either.

"I thought she betrayed me."

"In a way of sorts, we all betrayed one another that day."

Anakin looks up at him, something guarded and wary in his expression. Obi-Wan suspects he's thinking something, but he can't read Anakin nearly well enough to know what that might be.

"What?" Obi-Wan asks finally.

"It's – nothing," Anakin mutters, looking away.

"Ask me," he requests, "If it's upsetting you."

"I told her to remain on Coruscant. I know she... lied to me, but I... don't know if that was all in which she was disloyal."

"Short of being willing to accept the belief you were gone, I know of nothing else. What else would you be afraid of?"

"It is... complicated," Anakin offers almost lamely. His eyes are yellow. They usually are, but it always hurts to see.

"Tell me."

"I was not entirely certain if she still... loved me."

Something inside him clenches sharply, uneasily. "Why?"

"No one truly did. Not after my mother."

"I did," Obi-Wan argues. He drops his hand to Anakin's shoulder. "You know that."

His brow furrows. "Do I?"

Obi-Wan pulls back, stung. He hadn't realized how close they were until now when he puts distance between them. "I know it's not easy for you to see, Anakin, but you must feel it."

Anakin nudges at him with the Force almost cautiously – his presence is a swimming whirlwind of darkness now, but something about it is... different than when they first met. That fire he is in the Force is no longer quiet as black and hopeless as it once was. Somehow, somewhere along the way, a spark of light in him has been rekindled. It makes Obi-Wan want to hold onto it, to never, never let it go – he can't lose this again. "I do," Anakin answers at last. "Sometimes."

Obi-Wan reaches for him again, and this time, Anakin leans forwards, mindful of the twins still curled in his lap. They can't exactly hug, but it's close enough. It's not as if they're accustomed to showing much physical affection, anyway. Obi-Wan didn't know how much he wanted it until recently.

It's only up-close that he can see the still faint, lingering scars on his skin. Most of it is gone, but some of them are still there. They probably always will be. They're probably worse farther down – it's not like Obi-Wan would know that. He never... saw, other than when he was too exhausted to register anything.

It's a permanent reminder to them both of... what happened. But it's not as if all the mental scars will ever fade on them either. He only hopes what they're forming now – whatever exactly it is – will be enough to work past it.

"Never doubt it," he requests. "You have always... meant much to me. More than I believed you should at the time, because of the Jedi. But that will never change."

Final Notes: Reviews are always appreciated! ^-^

Come hang out on Discord (delete spaces), discord . gg / nqSxuz2 or find us on tumblr at fanfictasia (our more serious blog which does have controversial posts on it; I won't be offended if you choose to block it, promise), and disastertriowriting (which is our fun blog with crack posts or incorrect SW quotes)

We've got a YT channel for tributes! (delete the spaces) youtube channel / UC_g1M5rSCxJUzQCRS29B6pA

ALSO: We have SW gift request forms for General, Anakin-Clones-centric, and Bad Batch fics. :D (delete spaces) bit . ly / CourtesyTrefflinFicRequests