"Are you kneeling, or not?"
That's when Sky broke down.
She brought a hand to her mouth, trying to suppress the tears and the sobs, but she couldn't. She stumbled back, away from the boy with the dark eyes, but she couldn't flee from the exhaustion and despair that washed over her.
"Shit—" Cody cursed, but Sky barely heard him.
Her knees gave in and she fell to the ground, sobbing so hard that her body was shaking as she buried her face in her arms. Tears soaked through the fabric of her hoodie.
She needed the pills, needed them desperately - but if this was the only way to get them—?
She couldn't.
No matter what Matt had said, what Hawk had said, that she was only good for the one thing, that it would be the only thing anyone would ever want from her—
And she knew she was flawed and broken and stupid, and she was a slut—
But this?
No, she couldn't do it. She wasn't dead yet, not dead enough to be used like that, like she was nothing more than a piece of meat—
"Sky, you're gonna wake up my whole family, you need to calm down—" Cody said, and Sky realized he had knelt down on the grass by her side. The money or the pills were nowhere to be seen, and he laid a hand on Sky's shoulder, trying to get her attention.
A sudden anger flashed through Sky's chest and she slapped away that hand, crawling further from him.
"Well— you— you should've tho— thought about that before you tried to—" the violent sobs that tore through her chest made speaking impossible and she quickly gave up. Tears kept flowing down her cheeks, all the way to her neck, hot and salty on her skin.
"Sorry, okay?" Cody muttered. "It was just a proposition, I wasn't gonna force you or anything—" he had red spots on his cheeks, and he looked embarrassed. "I just— you know, I heard you did that, so I assumed—"
"Jesus, you— you believe every ru— rumor some asshole tells you?" Sky sobbed. "It's not true! I'm no— not for sale."
"Well, shit—" Cody sighed and sat down on the grass next to Sky. "I'm sorry. That was… a dick move on my part, then."
Sky said nothing, just kept sobbing, and wiping away the tears with her hands.
Yeah, a dick move indeed. But could she really blame him? She knew what everyone was talking about in school - that she was a stupid slut who sold ass in the Janitor's closet.
That's what Hawk had told his friends about her.
That's what he really thought about her. Everything else had been a lie.
Why would anyone be with you? To get some pussy.
A ragged sob escaped Sky's lips as Hawk's words hit her with the force of a trainwreck. A new wave of tears fell to her cheeks. She couldn't take this pain, she needed the drugs, she needed the tiny little white wonders that cut away all this torture and filled the hole in her chest. She should have been high by now, she should be dying in the back seat of her car.
Would it really be so bad to suck off that dude? It would be over in minutes, and then—
—then her pain would be over too, and she wouldn't have to feel the desperate beat of her broken heart.
But just the thought made her sick, it made her stomach turn. She didn't want the last thing she did on this Earth to be sucking some random drug dealer's dick. It would be the worst thing she had ever done, it would make it all true, all the things Matt had said to her, and Hawk too, the things about her being a slut, her deserving it all.
"Right—" Cody said after some time had passed, and Sky was still crying, lying strengthless in the cold grass. "Enough of this."
He grabbed Sky's arm, not too gently, and helped her up.
"What—?" Sky tried, but Cody walked her to the porch and sat her down on a bench.
"Wait here—" he said sternly. "I'll be right back."
With those words, he picked up his black gym bag, and disappeared into the house through the backdoor, without even glancing at Sky again.
Sky slumped on the wooden bench, leaned her back against the wall, and tried to stop crying. It wasn't easy. The violent sobs and cries had turned into soft hiccups, but the tears wouldn't stop. Her nose was running, her eyes were swollen and sore, and there was a hole in her chest, a bottomless hole filled with nothing but darkness.
She knew she should just stand up, walk to her car and drive the Hell away from here. There was no way Cody would sell her anything after this, with or without the blowjob. Apparently, she had hit a new low - she was so messed up that even a drug dealer wouldn't deal with her. But the garden was beautiful in the moonlight, the night was cold and silent and there was no strength left in her body. Standing up and walking to her car felt like tasks as big as climbing Mount Everest, so she pushed them off, one minute at a time, and before she knew it the back door opened again with a silent creak and Cody walked back out.
The big, black bag with the drugs was nowhere to be seen. He had left it inside, and Sky felt hopelessness creeping up her feet from the floorboards.
"Here," Cody spoke silently, offering Sky a glass of water and some napkins. "Take these."
Sky glanced at the offered napkins, then looked back at Cody, her throat turning tight. She couldn't read the look on his angular face at all.
"You brought me water?"
Cody shrugged. "I'm not a monster, you know."
"Well," Sky breathed, taking the napkins. "You are a drug dealer who tried to buy sex from a minor."
At that Cody let out a dry laugh and ran his fingers through his dark hair. He sat on the bench next to Sky but kept a respectful distance - for which Sky was grateful. The water and the napkins were nice, but she still thought he was a creep.
She wiped her eyes and her nose, then took the water and sipped on it - it was cold and it soothed her raw throat, washed away the taste of the tears.
"Yeah, well— I'm new at the job." Cody shrugged. "Maybe I suck at it."
"Or maybe you just suck."
"Maybe I do," he replied, and a small smile appeared in the corner of his mouth. "But apparently, you don't."
Sky rolled her eyes and took another sip of water. "That's not even remotely funny. I've had a… really rough night."
"Yeah, sorry—" Cody said and looked down at his expensive sneakers as he leaned his elbows to his knees. "I guess I'm to blame, huh?"
Sky looked down too, to her hands, to the half-empty glass of water, her Nike sneakers that all looked black and white in this strange, moonlit world.
"Not just you," Sky said after a short silence. "It's everything. Why do you think I wanted to buy opiates in the middle of the night?"
"I don't know," Cody shrugged. "It's not something I usually ask of my clients."
"So you just ask if they'll blow you?"
Cody muttered something inaudible and let out a long sigh before replying. "Just so you know, I don't usually do that either. I wouldn't have, had I not genuinely thought that you were—- you know. Which was a misunderstanding, obviously, and now I feel like shit."
"As you should," Sky replied. "Just because you think you're some kind of a drug lord, doesn't give you the right to say stuff like that to girls."
"Noted," Cody muttered. "Won't happen again."
He sounded like he was truly embarrassed, but that was obviously a lie. Maybe he wouldn't say that to Sky again, because her meltdown clearly made him uncomfortable, but the ease with which Cody had dropped the question about kneeling made Sky feel like it hadn't been the first time, and it probably wouldn't be the last either.
What do I care? It's none of my business if someone wants to suck him off for drugs.
"It's fine—" she said. "I've just had a really shitty past couple of hours. That wasn't even the worst thing someone said to me tonight."
"Really?"
Sky glanced at Cody. In the pale moonlight, he looked like one of those movie stars of the golden age of Hollywood. He was almost too pretty to be real, his skin was porcelain white, his eyelashes as long as a girl's.
And maybe it was because he was practically a stranger, or maybe it was just the midnight creeping up to Sky's heart and soul, that otherworldly feeling you sometimes get under the moonlight when colors are bleached off this world and with them the sense of reality, but suddenly the words just started falling off Sky's lips.
"It's my boyfriend—" she started, and then - realizing her mistake - corrected, "My ex-boyfriend. He… he broke my best friend's arm and when I confronted him about it, he… told me that he had never loved me. That the only reason he ever was with me, was…" Sky shrugged, her throat went tight and the end of that sentence melted into the shadows.
Hawk had never loved her. He hadn't said it in those words, but what he had said had been enough. Why would anyone be with you? To get some pussy.
Those words hurt like a sword through her sternum and she brought a hand to her chest, trying to rub off the crushing pain. It did no good, the blade was embedded in the muscle of her heart, blinding and suffocating her. There was only one thing that would help, but that thing was hidden somewhere in Cody's black bag that he had taken back inside, and Sky knew she was getting nothing from him, that there was nothing that would take this pain away now, that it would rip her apart.
"So, yeah—" she breathed, still pressing a hand over her heart. "That's why I needed the pills. Cause he broke my heart. And I can't—"
She couldn't finish that sentence. Tears were back in her eyes, in her throat, the pain was as fresh as if Hawk had just shouted the words at her face.
"The dude with the spiky, red hair?" Cody asked after a short silence.
"Yeah, that's him."
"Sorry, but he seems like an asshole."
Sky let out a sob that turned into a snort. "Well, you're kind of an asshole too."
"True," Cody sighed. "But at least I'm honest about it."
Sky glanced at him again, at the young boy sitting by her side and their eyes met. He had the prettiest eyes, and Sky hated that she noticed it, hated that she thought he was good-looking, because that boy was obviously trouble, he was a self-centered idiot and a total prick. But so had been Matt and so was Hawk, and maybe what Hawk had said was true, maybe she did have a type, and maybe it was so that she would only fall for the boys who would lie to her and take her and use her until there was nothing left of her worth saving.
So she kept Cody's stare until the boy finally looked down. His jawline went tight and his throat bobbed when he swallowed.
He pushed his hands into the pockets of his jacket, and when he took them out again, there was a small pill bottle and some cash in his long fingers. Sky's jaw dropped, and a flickering hope filled her chest at the sight of the bottle, fragile like a will-o'-the-wisp but all-consuming like wildfire.
"So, here's what we're going to do," Cody said, his voice soft and silent in the midnight shadows. "I'm selling you this half a bottle, for half the price. And I'll keep the other half for you. Once you get more money, give me a call. How does that sound?"
"Good," Sky sighed. "It sounds fucking perfect."
The relief that washed over her at the sight of the drugs took her breath away. Tears started falling again, when she took the money and stuffed it into her pocket, then reached a hand to take the bottle—
But Cody didn't let go of it. He turned his eyes to Sky's face, and his voice was dead serious when he spoke.
"You're not going to do anything stupid, are you?"
"It's really none of your business what I do with these." Sky said, holding his stare, gripping the bottle in her ice-cold fingers, and finally Cody let go of it.
"It is now, though," he said. "I'm keeping that other half for you, so you'd better stick around."
Sky took the drugs and pushed them into the pocket of her hoodie as she stood up.
"You said it yourself, Cody. It doesn't matter what I say - you can't trust an addict."
Something flashed in Cody's dark eyes, and had Sky not known he was a selfish dickhead, she would have thought it was concern. He frowned and looked like he was about to say something, but Sky turned around and started walking down the stairs, her weak, strengthless legs barely carrying her at all.
"Call me!" Cody's voice called after her, but Sky didn't turn to look. The bottle was small and warm against her palm when she wrapped her cold fingers around it, the pills rattled with every step, that sound like a sweet promise of peace, of darkness, of gentle sleep.
She popped the first pill into her mouth as soon as she sat down in the car.
Not much to say except that I love moonlight.