AN: ALRIGHT I AM DOING THIS!
I'd say that this is detracting from other stories that I am working on and is a pointless waste of time...BUT NOT NOW! This one is actually important.
Wow: an important story where the Baudelaire Orphans end up in the custody of a group that is a blatant Expy of the SCP Foundation. Who knew?
This will be fun!
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For Beatrice,
Your entry in my life filled me with awe
Your exit, with uncontrolled sorrow.
There are a great many stories involving the unknown, and the unknowable. Penned by such authors as Lovecraft, Howard, and Machen, they are dark tales, about the insignificance of man in the face of an uncaring universe. Some were more optimistic than others, but the genre was hardly an uplifting one. And unfortunately, my research has discovered that the Baudelaire orphans found themselves entangled in one such horror. Though they had already experienced many trials, sorrows, and terrors along the way, those paled in comparison to what they would face here, of which Count Olaf would be the least threatening. They did also face several bright spots in this darkness, but those were hardly enough to eclipse the shadows around them.
If you wish to put down this book now (or close this website, at the case may now be), I will not fault you. I would, in fact, encourage you to read a light story, such as Madeline, the Princess and the Frog, or some of Aesops Fables. If you prefer darker fare, then I would instead suggest a tales like Nancy Drew, the School for Good and Evil, or even Harry Potter, though that tale has fallen far of late. But if you wish to ensure with the tales of the Baudelaires, and the dark secrets and terrors they would soon find, then read on. I apologize for the discomfort it will bring you.
I have one last confession to make before beginning this portion of the Baudelaires' saga, though. While researching this portion of their lives, I discovered that another had devoted their life to chronicling the life of the Baudelaires' guardian, and that they were willing to collaborate in documenting this story. My colleague for this segment is a fairly well known author, but for the sake of protecting his identity, I will only address him by his initials: A.W.
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"Ah, thank you. I'll tell them right now."
Hanging up his phone, Arthur Poe found himself very pleased - at last he had found a new guardian for the Baudelaires. Hopefully they would be kind to the children - their last few guardians had been problematic, to say the least. The less said about Count Olaf, the better.
"Jacqueline, could you bring the Baudelaires in now?"
"Yes, Sir. By the way, which of their relatives accepted custody of them?"
"I'll tell you when I tell the Baudelaires."
His secretary gave him a peculiar look at that remark, but obliged him nonetheless. Several minutes later, the Baudelaires were escorted into Poe's office. Which was also in a bank vault.
Mulctuary Money Management had some bizarre office planning.
"Ah, thank you for coming, Baudelaires. I'm so sorry for all that trouble with the Squalors and everything before that, but I have fantastic news that will help you forget all about that."
The Baudelaires shared a glance, but couldn't help feeling slightly optimistic. "Has Count Olaf and his troupe been arrested?" Asked Violet.
"Have the Quagmire triplets been rescued?" Wondered Klaus.
"Gweepoo?" babbled Sunny, which in the language of babies was best translated as "Did Justice Straus offer to adopt us?"
"Oh, um, no. Not yet. We're still looking for the twins."
The Baudelaires considered reiterating that the Quagmires were still triplets even if one of the siblings was deceased, but ultimately stayed silent. "Then what is the news you wanted to share with us?" Inquired Violet
"Despite initial difficulties and it appearing that no one was interested, I found you a new guardian. They had been indisposed when I had first asked and only recently had a chance to hear me out. They are rather distant, but I don't think that will be a problem."
The Baudelaires shared another glance. If their previous guardians had taught them anything, this person would be only a distant relation, parentally challenged...and possibly linked to the mystery that was VFD.
So perhaps they could manage. Hopefully.
"And who is it?" Asked Klaus. "Our Mother's sister's widower's cousin?"
"Oh, no, not like that. This time I heheh meant distance relative to the city - they live in New York. No, your new guardian is a woman by the name of Jesse Faden, née Stewart, and she is your father's younger sister."
The Baudelaires (and Jacquelin) had exactly one thought there: "...What?!"
"Ah, I forgot - it appears that your father and his sister were estranged for several reasons, and as of late she's been caring for her brother, your uncle, who...oh. He appears to be stuck in a coma."
The Baudelaires had gone through quite a lot in their life - they had been raised by a man who had tried to steal their fortune and still trying to do so now, had had their next two guardians murdered by the first one, been functionally enslaved by a lumber mill, had to attend a terrible boarding school, and then lived atop a tower in a penthouse apartment owned by Count Olaf's girlfriend. Somehow, what they were be told right now was in the top three moments of weirdness and austerity in their lives.
But perhaps this could turn out for the better. "I see," noted Violet. "What does she do?"
"She appears to be a director for some special government organization - perfect for keeping Count Omar away."
Klaus rolled his eyes at Poe misnaming Count Olaf - some things did not change easily. "Interesting."
"I thought you would find her interesting. Now, since she's so far away, you'll need to take a plane, and due to the weather, the first one to New York won't be available for a few days, so until then, you'll be staying at my house again.
At that, the Baudelaires felt a muted sense of dread - not that again.
Jacqueline, meanwhile, wondered how exactly they had missed miss Faden. And the fact that Beatrice had any siblings.
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New York City
A few hours later...
"Jesse?"
Shaking herself out of her stupor, the Director of the Federal Bureau of Control glanced at her companion and head of Research, Emily Pope.
"Yes, Emily?"
"Look, you've been off ever since you answered that call this morning. The rest of the heads are taking notice. So, please, tell me what's wrong. What was that call about? Was it related to the Prime Candidate Program?"
Jesse stared at her friend for a moment, then sighed. "Kinda."
"Kinda? Gonna need a better answer than that."
"Alright. Here's the truth - they're not related to the Prime Candidate Program. I found out about them looking into a set of files that Trench had on other organizations the Bureau had interacted with - they were related to one known as VFD. No, I don't know what it stands for. Apparently they weren't deemed a danger to Bureau operations and were mostly ignored."
"Mostly?"
"They had a schism a few years back, with half deciding to use the resources and power they had for unscrupulous purposes - there's a lot of arsons connected to them. Also, they apparently acquired some variety of hyper deadly fungus, a sample of which was retrieved by the Bureau and put into storage."
"Oh. Well, I haven't checked the fungal research department in a while."
"I figured. Anyway, I decided to look into them a bit and found out that two known members of the group were named Beatrice and Bertrand Baudelaire. Funnily enough, the man had the same name as my older brother."
"You have a brother other than Dylan?"
"According to my parents, he was kidnapped as a toddler and they never saw him again. Dylan and me never saw any reason to talk about him, so he eventually faded from memory."
"Oh. I'm sorry."
"It's fine. So, doing some digging, I found out that the Baudelaire parents passed away recently from a fire, and their children are now being bused through the foster system - a lot of circumstances outside their control tend to result in dead guardians or guardians unwilling to care for them. So I decided to call about them."
"I take it that is what the call earlier was about?"
"Yeah."
"So, what did you learn?"
"Their father wasn't just named like my brother."
"...Huh?"
"Their father was my brother. I don't know how, but I checked the records, and apparently I am now an Aunt."
"..Oh. Anything else?"
"I might have accidentally offered to adopt them."
"...Oh."
"Yeah. I don't think our line of work is good for children."
Emily sat down next to Jesse. "True. But you've done the impossible before. Being a parental figure shouldn't be too hard."
Jesse glanced at her companion. "Thanks...um, will you be willing to help?"
"That would probably result in a review by the ethics board over fears of fraternization...also, yes."
Just as Emily affirmed her support, a warm feeling filled Jesse, while a strange sounded trailed through her, and only her, ears.
"...Huh. Looks like Polaris is in this too."
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AN: Okay, this is probably the weirdest crossover I have done so far...Meh. It could get weirder.
Also, since Control and ASoUE are both niche series, I'm probably going to need to explain their plots for this to make sense.
Okay, quick recap for A Series of Unfortunate Events, then for Control, then we get to the important stuff for this crossover!
A Series of Unfortunste Events follows the Baudelaire siblings (Violet, Klaus, and Sunny) in some non-descript but really weird country (I'm going to narrow it down to somewhere in New England for this story). At the start of the series, the Baudelaires (who having loving parents, a house/mansion, and a large fortune to their name) learn that their house burned down and they are now orphans. Before you ask, it's heavily implied this was a case of arson, and the film and television adaptation imply that it was caused using a glass lens resembling a large eye. They end up in the care of their distant relative Count Olaf (the exact wording indicates he isn't a blood relative at all), who abuses them horribly while trying to figure out how to steal their fortune. When they finally are removed from his custody, he begins pursuing them with the intent to eventually acquire said fortune. Over the course of the story, the Baudelaires meet another set of orphans, the Quagmires, and two groups learn that their parents (and most of the Baudelaires' guardians) were part of a secret group called VFD. More explanation would be spoilers.
Now for Control.
Control is a 2019 video game following Jesse Faden, who arrived at a brutalist sky scraper known as the Oldest House, headquarters of the Federal Bureau of Control, looking for her brother Dylan. Circumstances conspire so that shortly after ending up in the Oldest House, she becomes the Bureau's new leader, and has to help fight off a malevolent entity known as the Hiss that is trying to invade the building. As it turns out, Dylan is acting as a host for this Hiss, and other threats also lurk in the oldest house that Jesse must contain or repel. Along the way, she meets her new subordinates and acquires new powers by bonding with Objects of Power, such as floppy disk (gives her telekinesis), the hotline (allows her to communicate with certain entities) and finally the service weapon (a shapeshifting weapon created by the entity known as The Board, possession of it is the main criterion for deciding on the leader of the Bureau).
Now, some things that need to be explained for this crossover to make sense.
How is Jesse the aunt of the Baudelaires?
Even though it was more heroic before the Schism between its good and evil members, VFD did some sketchy things - the books indicated they would kidnap new recruits to train them at ypung ages, in some cases when they were no older than toddlers. This story is assuming that Bertrand Baudelaire, née Faden was one such example, and that his kidnapping caused her parents a lot of grief, which they wouldn't get over for over a decade, which is why Jesse is only fifteen years older than Violet.
Who is AW?
Okay, major Control spoilers here: the final DLC for Control, AWE, reveals that the game is actually a sequel to Alan Wake - the DLC focuses on cleaning out the Investigations Sector of the oldest house. There, you encounter The Third Thing, which is actually the main human antagonist of Alan Wake, Emil Hartman, after he was first possessed by The Dark Presence, the main antagonist of Alan Wake, and then possessed by the Hiss. Details found in the Investigations Sector also reveal that Alan is still alive, having been trapped underneath Cauldron Lake in an area known as the Darj Place, home of the Dark Presence. The Presence has been trying to get Alan to allow them to escape this area by using Cauldron Lake AWE (Altered World Event) to literally write a method of escape and not existence - Cauldron Lake's AWE allows people to warp reality through writing. Alan has managed to slow them down by solely focusing on a way for himself to escape, and it's also revealed that he used the powers he was given to write Jesse's story into existence, or more specifically manipulate circumstances so that Jesse would end up in the Oldest House and face The Thing That Was Emil Hartman, so that she would gain the powers needed to defeat the Dark Presence and eventually free him.
Wow that was long.
So, yeah. That's that.
Some other things to know:
Jacqueline (full name Jacqueline Scieczka) is Mr. Poe's secretary and a member of VFD from the Netflix adaptation of ASoUE. It's initially implied she only exists in the show, but season 3 reveals she's actually the shows version of R. Duchess of Winnipeg from the books. She spends the series trying to shadow the Baudelaires, so she's kinda surprised they're going outside of VFD's jurisdiction.
The Baudelaires not liking that they need to stay at the Poe household is because Poe's sons asked them if they started the fire that burned down their house and killed their parents (the jerks!).
I got idea for the Baudelaires' half of the chapter from a crossover between ASoUE and Dresden Files, The Marvelous Magicians. In case you were wondering.
Control takes place in roughly the year it was released, 2019. I'm setting this story as taking place in 2022 - assume VFD manipulated the Baudelaires' home town to be low tech to avoid any conundrums regarding the bizarre technology point shown in the books, movie, and show.
If you have suggestions for other stories to show up later here (maybe during Bureau investigations), feel free to offer them.
The original title for this story was The Bizarre Bureau.
Read, review, discuss, do what you want. This is Flameal15k, signing off!
Edit: After doing additional research, it appears they Bertrand Baudelaire married into Beatrice's family. So I've edited this chapter so that the Baudelaires are now related to Jesse through their father, not their mother. Sorry about that.