It felt like there was a tight iron band around his chest, squeezing the air out of his lungs. Cody walked out of the cafeteria as fast as he could, after just ditching his tray on a table near the doors, with only one thought in his mind.

He had to get out.

He didn't want to deal with this unwanted mess of emotions that was driving him mad, making him dizzy, he didn't even want to acknowledge it, but there it was nevertheless, and he just couldn't get it under control.

Annoyance - he was annoyed at Sky for bringing up his birthday, time after time, suggesting he should throw a party when he had said again and again that he would do no such thing. Why couldn't she just listen? He hated being annoyed at her, he wasn't used to it, because— Love. He loved her. He loved her more than anything, loved everything about her, and you weren't supposed to be annoyed at the person you loved, right? But it hurt him that she didn't understand. The things she had said about his mom having wrapped him in a jacket and leaving him to be found, not to die, were only causing more pain, not less, and there was such hurt in him, such anger, and it wasn't going away, just because she wanted it to.

He breathed in and out, trying to get a grip, but his head was light, and the emotion was burning holes in his chest. He barely knew where he was going, half-running through the crowded hallways.

He had to get away from that table, out of that room, before he lost his cool completely, because— Jealousy. It was there too, in the ugly mix of emotions that made him short of breath. The way Sky had said It's okay, just sit down to Hawk. The way she had not looked at him, like one doesn't look at the sun because it hurts.

Does she still love him?

Oh, that thought— It burned, it burned, it burned— so much that the pain cut through his chest like a piercing arrow.

He was losing it, here in this crowded hallway in the middle of his classmates, he was fucking losing it. He drew in a shaky breath, ran a hand through his hair as if he could so clear his mind.

I can't keep thinking like this. Sky is with me now, we're dating, she wants to celebrate my birthday. I've never been this happy in my life. I've never been this happy.

But happiness was a soap bubble, so pretty to watch, but if he tried to catch it, it would pop and disappear into thin air. Maybe he didn't even know what it was, how it really felt. Happiness. Maybe he just wasn't meant to have it.

He walked faster towards the library. He had lied to Sky - he didn't really need to go there, but it was the only place he wanted to go to. Books gave him peace, they calmed him down. He knew he would be able to breathe again if he was breathing in the familiar scent of old paper, leather covers, ink. And he had to calm the fuck down— He couldn't afford to panic like this in public, to freak out over happiness, jealousy, anger, hurt, love, annoyance—

Why couldn't he breathe? It felt like his chest was collapsing. This couldn't be happening, he was Cody fucking Bishop. He didn't lose his shit like this!

"—I mean, it's one thing that Cody is skipping Drama Club like every other week now, but come on? He's not even sitting with us at lunch anymore?"

Cody stopped on his feet, a sudden coldness spreading into his veins as he recognized the voice he heard around the corner. A cold shiver ran down his spine.

Jess.

She was one of his closest friends, but their relationship had always been somewhat complicated. They had met in the drama club freshman year. Jess had wanted to date him - he had wanted to date pretty, dumb girls whom he could fuck and dump without a care in the world. Jess was pretty, but she wasn't dumb, and Cody cared about her too much to date her.

"I just don't get what he sees in her," Jess went on and the tone of her voice told Cody she was rolling her eyes. "Everyone knows that girl is trouble. She's a nutjob. And a slut. You guys heard the rumors, right? Of what she does with guys in the janitor's closet—"

"Maybe that's not true. People talk all kinds of shit." said a softer voice - Savannah.

"You're so fucking naive! I bet that girl is still sleeping around behind Cody's back - probably with that sicko ex-boyfriend who beat Cody up—"

A sickening feeling clenched Cody's stomach and he leaned a trembling hand on the wall. If that was true, he didn't want to know. It would fucking kill him.

He burst into motion, not wanting to hear one word more, and stepped around the corner. Jess, who was leaning on the wall next to the library entrance with Savannah and Tom, stopped talking the second she saw the look on his face.

"You've got something to say about my girlfriend? Then say it to my face."

Cody had never used this tone with her before, and Jess' black eyes widened - she had black eyes, and a small, sharp, angular face, surrounded by a messy cloud of black, spiky hair. She got great joy and anguish from driving her strict as fuck Chinese parents mad by cutting her thick, glossy hair short and loving theatre and getting high, instead of extra math and Chinese classes after school. A thousand times they had bonded over how it felt to be a disappointment, the black sheep of the family, the odd one out.

Now Cody wondered why he had ever thought her mean words had been entertaining.

Jess tilted her face up and crossed her arms over her chest. "Well it's not a secret, is it? That you have a type."

"And what the fuck is that supposed to mean?"

"You date the pretty and dumb ones," Jess shrugged her slender shoulders. "But sluts— well, I would have thought you drew the line there."

Had Jess not been a girl, Cody would have hit her. His fists clenched by his sides.

"Take that back," the words were cold, lumps of ice. "You have no right to talk about Sky like that—"

Jess rolled her eyes. "Jesus, chill! What's the big deal anyways? Why do we have to suddenly like some girl you date? It's not like we haven't talked shit about your girlfriends, like since forever. You're just gonna get tired of her after two months anyways and dump her for some other dumb but pretty—"

"I won't," Cody breathed. "—get tired of her. Ever. I fucking love her."

Jess' jaw dropped. Her eyes turned even darker.

"What—?"

"You heard me," Cody's chest was heaving with deep breaths. "I love her. And if you keep spreading those shitty rumors about her, we're done."

"Cody— Calm down, okay? She didn't mean anything—" That was Tom. He laid a calming hand on Cody's arm, but he shook that off.

"Then maybe she should just shut the fuck up."

The anger was burning and bubbling inside of him, and he knew it was getting out of control. He wanted to hit something - he couldn't hit Jess, so something else, the brick wall, his own body, Hawk, his stupid, smirking face, Tom, the boy who was his best friend—

He loved Sky. And she didn't love him. This anger wasn't about what Jess had said, it was something deeper, something darker, something violent and dangerous and disgusting and it was turning him inside out.

"From now on, keep your opinions about my girlfriend to yourself," he seethed to Jess' face and then glanced at Tom and Savannah. "This goes to all of you. I don't care if you fucking hate her - I don't wanna hear it."

"We don't hate her—" said Tom softly. "It's just— we're not used to—"

"To me being with someone I actually care about?" His voice was breaking. "You don't think I deserve that? You don't think I deserve to be happy—?"

"You sure you're happy?" Jess threw that question at his face. "Cause it sure doesn't look like it."

"Shut up! You know nothing about it—!"

"Because you've stopped talking to us. We never hang out anymore, and when is the last time we read Shakespeare? It's been weeks! It's like you're becoming someone else, someone we don't even know— And these two agree with me, they are just too scared to say anything about it."

Cody glanced at Tom, who looked down, his shoulders slumping. Savannah was staring at the floor, her lips trembling as she fidgeted with her long, blond braids.

"Yeah, well— maybe we'd hang out more often if you didn't think my girlfriend was a slut." Cody snapped and turned to leave.

"Cody, come on—" Tom sighed. "Let's not fight. It's your birthday coming up, maybe we can hang out then and have a beer—"

"Sounds too much like a party. You know I fucking hate that shit." Cody muttered and walked away, leaving his group of so-called friends behind.

He was suffocating. The mess of emotions was too much. He couldn't take this, this anger inside of him, this despair, this utter hopelessness that threatened to engulf him.

He didn't go to the library. Instead, he went to the bathroom, the same one where Hawk had beaten him up and left him on the floor to die in his blood and puke, just like he had always been left to die - first by his Mom next to the trash cans on the Walmart parking lot, then by Carol and JD, they had left him bleeding on the floor too as they went out to get high, and he had almost died that night, would have died had not Black-Teethed Pete found him there and called for help—

Something in Cody's chest was breaking. He didn't want to think about the black stumps in Pete's mouth as he shook his shoulder and muttered Hey kid, you okay? You alive? Hang in there kid, I'll get help— He was going to be sick. He didn't want these memories, he didn't want to think about Pete or his birth Mom or JD or Carol, he hadn't thought about them in such a long time, had carefully built a wall around those memories, had built a life where he didn't have to think about that cold, dark swamp that would swallow him, a life where he was cool and successful, where he had friends and hot girlfriends, a life where none of that shit could touch him, where it wouldn't define him, so what right did Sky have to start poking his past with all that talk about his fucking birthday? Jess was right, he was changing, something in him was turning, transforming, breaking, being molded into something new, he was shedding his skin and was being reborn as someone else, as someone whose heart was bleeding in his chest, bleeding for love, for happiness, for things he had never had, things he hadn't even known he needed, things he didn't deserve.

He couldn't blame Jess or any of his friends. They didn't know who he was. Only Sky knew, and he regretted ever telling her anything. She knew him, and because of that, she would never love him.

That thought made a new wave of hopelessness swallow him.

He closed himself in a bathroom stall, his hands trembling as he locked the door, breathing in and out, in and out, in and out, waiting until the school bell rang and everyone was gone, the bathroom empty and silent. Only then did he smash his fist against the wall, again and again, and again, until the skin peeled off his knuckles and blood stained his hand. The sharp pain turned into a dull ache that finally silenced the roaring in his chest.

Exhausted, he rested his palms and his head against the bloodied wall and breathed, breathed, breathed, willing down the tears.

For the first time in years, he skipped the afternoon classes.