I've gone back and forth with this chapter several times, and while it's not exactly where I'd like it, I'm posting anyway! Feedback most welcome!
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Chapter 17
"Thank you so much for squeezing me in."
Dr. Lindstrom smiles kindly, closing the door to his office behind them. "You sounded a little panicked over the phone."
Exhaling, she sinks into the couch. "I was….I am."
"What's caused you to feel this way?"
"I'm seeing someone."
Dr. Lindstrom smiles at this. "Go on."
She can't help but smile too. "I'm seeing Rafael Barba."
"You two have always had a good working relationship."
Liv nods. "… it just kind of evolved into more."
"And it's this evolution that's caused these panicked, anxious feelings?" He questions.
"Not at first, no," she answers. "We of course questioned whether or not to even pursue our feelings because of the job, because of Noah, but we both wanted to see where it could go and we've gotten so close the last few weeks. Noah wants to call him Papa and I'm envisioning this future that I never thought possible before and I'm…. scared."
Dr. Lindstrom nods. "What are you scared of, Olivia?"
"Of loosing it all."
"Has Rafael given you any indication that your relationship isn't something he wants?"
She shakes her head. "He's admitted on more than one occasion how happy he is, how much he wants to be with Noah and I."
"Do you feel the same way?"
Tears unexpectedly fill her eyes and she's rubbing her chest to coax the air into her lungs. "I do."
The doctor gives her a patient look. "You're allowed happiness, Olivia."
"Then why do I feel this way?" She questions softly.
"Trauma," he answers simply. "Your relationship with your mother, your father. Every man that has harmed you. Your job and the horrors that you've seen; you pick."
Liv wipes her eyes and Dr. Lindstrom offers her the box of tissues conveniently placed on the coffee table between them.
"In the past, you have opted not to share your feelings with your partner; do you feel the same way with Rafael?"
She shakes her head, wiping her eyes. "Communicating is actually one of the things we do really well."
Dr. Lindsrom nods. "That's good. Can you pinpoint what it is, exactly, that you're afraid of loosing?"
Inhaling deeply, she attempts to calm her thoughts long enough to bring the clarity Lindstrom is asking for. "…he makes me feel seen. Valued. He makes me a priority in his life and he makes me smile. And laugh and I feel…beautiful and safe with him…and he loves my son."
Dr. Lindstrom leans back in his chair, waiting patiently for her to continue.
"….I've felt these things before, to some degree with Ed and Brian, but it's different with Rafael…I don't feel as if I have to negotiate my feelings or who I am with him."
"It sounds like you have so much to gain," he comments gently.
She smiles, wiping her eyes again. "Rafa said the same thing.….he's my best friend and I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost him in my life."
"Can I offer my advice?"
Liv nods. "Please."
"Love, for anyone, is a gamble. One I would say, for most is worth taking. You cannot predict the future, no matter how much you think you can, Olivia," he holds her gaze pointedly. "It sounds like you want to take that gamble with Rafael."
She nods again. "I do."
"Then focus on the here, the now. Not the future and certainly not the past."
"He said that too."
Lindstrom smiles kindly. "And know that you've already made it through your worst days."
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"He had a pretty good lunch, drinking lots of fluids," Lucy relays. "He played for a little bit but that seemed to tire him out; he's sleeping right now."
"Ok," Liv exhales, pulling into a parking spot conveniently right in front of the little key shop she had googled. "Do you mind taking his temperature again when he wakes up?"
"Will do."
"Thanks so much, Lucy; I know today was supposed to be your day off."
"It's no problem, Liv. Take your time."
Saying goodbye, she hangs up their call through her cars bluetooth, sliding out onto the street. The open sign blinks in the window and Liv circles her car to the sidewalk, entering the tiny shop. A blast of air conditioning hits her and she shivers involuntarily. There's an elderly man behind the counter, the whirring of the cutting machine revving to life. She waits as he finishes up, and he gives her a kind smile.
"Hello," he greets. "Sorry I didn't hear you come in."
"It's alright," she assures. "I was looking to get a key cut?"
"You've come to the right place!"
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"Lieutenant, I'm surprised to see you here," Dodds greets. "This must be serious to warrant a visit all the way up here."
Liv closes the door to his office behind her. "It is."
Dodds gestures for her to sit and she settles into one of the chairs opposite his desk. "I need to disclose my relationship with Rafael Barba."
Her chiefs surprise fills his eyes before a kind smile crosses his face. "You and Barba, huh?"
Liv nods. "There has been some chatter in the commissioner's office of me using my position as Lieutenant to buttress my current case regarding my son."
Dodds shakes his head. "The only one that believes that is Abraham, trust me. The guy is like a dog with a bone."
"Rafael and I want to be transparent with you and Mr. McCoy; we don't want either of your offices, our jobs, to be questioned."
"Understandable. You do realize, however, that one of you might be reassigned."
She nods. "I understand."
Dodds nods too. "Let me talk to McCoy, see what his office is tossing around. Personally, you and Barba are exactly what SVU needs; I'm not about to jeopardize that."
"Neither are we," she assures.
"Good to know. How's your son?"
Liv's surprised that Dodd's has asked, but she softens a little, giving him an appreciative smile. "Much better, thank you for asking."
"I remember those days like they were yesterday; a lot of sleepless nights. I'm glad he's feeling better."
"Me too….if I watch one more Disney movie," she jokes.
Dodds chuckles. "The things we do for our kids, huh?"
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Rafael paces his office, fourth cup of coffee in his hands, willing his thoughts to focus on the case work he'd been pouring over. Despite having had an uninterrupted morning, and now, late afternoon, he hasn't been able to make any headway.
Liv had managed to convince him that Noah was well enough for the both of them to return to work, assuring him that Lucy was more than capable of taking care of him for the day. And while he doesn't doubt Lucy's capabilities as a caregiver, he's still struggling to not text Liv every half hour for an update.
His mind wanders, something he's been doing more of as of late, to his conversation with Noah just the other day and all the foreign feelings it had stirred in him.
Papa.
The word has had him in a choke hold ever since, it running through his mind incessantly and he supposes its the reason behind these new feelings that have settled heavily inside of him.
The joy he feels thinking about Noah's laughter when he reads the Wonky Donkey.
The hope he feels thinking about watching him grow, more missing teeth and haircuts and new shoes and helping with homework and class trips and bruises and scrapes and all of the endless things.
The paralyzing fear.
He can rationalize with himself with the little things like broken bones and illnesses. It's the bigger things that terrify him, the things he's scene while doing this job and between he and Liv, they've got enemies and he would never forgive himself if something were to ever happen to Noah because of him.
It's the way he knows he'd do anything to protect him, the law be damned.
The way he's equal parts terrified and convinced that he'll be just like, and yet nothing like, his own father.
The mental gymnastics of it all are exhausting and he's in awe of how Liv makes it seem so easy.
His phone pings from his desk, and he halts his pacing long enough to see the notification that she's in the building. Before he can compose a text to question why, there's a gentle knock at his door and she's peaking her head inside tentatively.
"Is this an ok time?…Carmen said you could probably use a break."
"There's never a bad time, amor," he answers, gesturing her in. "Everything ok? How's Noah?"
She closes the door behind her, moving to sit on his couch. "Last I spoke with Lucy, he was doing better."
He nods, crossing his office to sit beside her only she stops him.
"Could you just….stay there?"
He halts, watching the myriad of emotions fill her eyes. "Liv?"
"….I need to say some things and I know I won't be able to get the words out if you're next to me."
That all too familiar dread causes his stomach to flip and he can feel his throat tightening waiting to stave off the emotions that will shatter him. When he doesn't say anything, she continues.
"I met with Dr. Lindstrom this morning…I've been feeling….anxious about our relationship and the fear that," she shakes her head, her mouth moving but the words not coming out. "….all of the trauma I've been through causes."
She looks so torn, sitting on his couch, and he wants to comfort her, tell her that she doesn't need to explain herself. Tell her that he understands, that they can still be friends. Tell her all the things that will give her peace and destroy him completely.
"And he helped me realize…."
Here it comes.
"….how much I want this. Want us, Rafa."
It takes a minute for the air to come crashing back into his lungs. "Jesus, Liv," he exhales, rubbing his face. He can feel the tears welling in his eyes at the sheer relief he feels and his heart is thumping in his chest.
"Are you ok?" She questions.
"I thought you were breaking up with me," he answers, wiping his eyes.
"Rafa, no!" She's off the couch coming to him. Her brown eyes are full of guilt and she frames her hands around his face and she wipes the few tears that have managed to trickle down his face. "Rafa."
She pulls him into her arms and he's not at all embarrassed when his forehead drops to her shoulder, his arms wrapping around her like a vice because the mere idea of loosing her has practically undone him. Her hand cradles the back of his head, her fingers sweeping through his hair, over the nape of his neck in an attempt to sooth him.
"I'm not breaking up with you," she reassures. "…I just wanted you to know that I'm all in, Rafa… you, me and Noah….I disclosed to Dodds and not because of everything going on with Sheila and the commissioner's office, but because I don't want us to be a secret."
He pulls back to meet her gaze, his hands sliding up and down her back.
"I want to date you, Rafa, openly without having to worry about who's watching, or what lines we're crossing….I want to do this right, for the both of us."
He opens his mouth to say something, only the words don't come.
Leaning in, she presses her lips to his and while his reason is telling him to keep it chaste should Carmen come knocking, his heart, with all its insecurities and cracks, deepens the kiss seeking the comfort only she can give him.
Her hands fall on the lapels of his jacket, and she slides her hands beneath to rub his chest in an attempt to calm him. His kiss is showing all his vulnerabilities and her heart aches a little more for the unintentional way she's caused him to panic. And while the way he's devouring her in the middle of his office has her wanting to drag him to the couch and pull him on top of her, she recognizes the insecurities in his kiss. She softens her lips making him cede control.
"Liv," he sighs into her mouth.
"I'm right here," she breathes back.
He pulls back, meeting her gaze and the intensity in his green eyes causes her chest to tighten.
Those three little words are hanging unsaid between them.
Swallowing hard, she reaches into her pocket. "I got this made for you."
Rafael stares down at the key in her hand. "To your handcuffs?" He jokes, breaking the tension that's settled between them.
She laughs and the smile that crosses his face leaves her nearly breathless. "To my apartment, smartass."
He takes it from her, twirling it between his fingers. "…are you sure?"
"I'm sure."
Releasing her, he moves to his desk reaching into one of the drawers to retrieve his keys. He slips the key onto his key ring before returning them his desk.
Carmen knocks softly on the door before popping her head in. "You've got to be at the courthouse in 15."
"Thank you, Carmen."
She gives him a nod, closing the door to his office again.
"Walk with me over?"
"I'd love to." Liv waits as he gathers files, placing them into his briefcase. He makes sure to pocket his phone, closing his laptop before circling the desk reaching out his hand to her. She twines her fingers with his, leaving his office.
"I shouldn't be long," he gives Carmen. "If anything pops up, text me?"
Carmen nods. "Of course."
Olivia smiles at the woman. "Have a good afternoon, Carmen."
"You too, Lieutenant Benson."
"Call me Olivia."
"You too, Olivia," the young woman corrects.
She follows him to the elevators, and when the doors slide closed behind them, he's tugging her next to him, kissing her gently.
"I love you," he breathes against her lips.
The elevator stop, the doors sliding open and she pulls back to meet his gaze. "….Rafa…"
His green eyes dance with hers. "I needed to say it, Liv."
Thankfully there isn't anyone waiting to get in and they untangle themselves from each other stepping out into the lobby.
As they exit the building, she slips her hand back into his and he raises it to his lips, kissing the back of her hand gently.
Tbc