Chapter 18

Shadow and light

"If you hadn't worn it that day, you'd have died. The Raid Suit saved your life."

The words of the straw hat boy enveloped his cook as well as his entire crew, tearing them away from the stupor of these last minutes, and Usopp nodded slowly.

"It's true and that's all that matters."

Drawing on his courage, Sanji forced himself to turn away from the reassuring figure of his captain and met the expectant gazes of his crewmates on him. His hands then tightened on the handful of beans he was still holding.

"I didn't want to worry you and wearing the Raid Suit seemed like a good idea at first," he whispered, "I could remain discreet to preserve our anonymity and I didn't think about creating recipes day and night anymore but I guess… Just like cooking, I ended up realizing that I could no longer do without it…" The blond shook his head and a bitter laugh escaped him. "It makes no sense, I know… Relying on this stupid outfit to make me feel better, how pathetic have I become…"

"It is quite natural to look for a way to alleviate your suffering," the musician gently pointed out to him. "No one here could blame you."

"There's nothing wrong with that outfit, bro!" The cyborg nodded. "If it can help you, I think it's super cool!"

"We're simply saddened to see that you endured such an ordeal without our being able to offer you our support," Robin explained on behalf of her crewmates.

Sanji felt his throat tighten when beside the archaeologist, Nami nodded while wiping away her tears. "Sanji-kun, let us help you. After everything that's happened, finding out you're feeling so bad… Please, just let us help you!"

"I'll try, Nami-san," the blond whispered, lowering his eyes. "I don't know why it's so hard… but I'll try."

The cook glanced at the little reindeer who was silently wiping his eyes alongside the equally silent helmsman. On the other side of the table, Zoro was still staring at him and Luffy seemed absorbed in his own thoughts. Sanji's fingers whitened around his handful of now-damaged beans. For his crewmates, he had no choice. He would do more than try. He was going to change.

The next morning, Sanji knocked on the door of the infirmary, his stomach tied up in knots. The dinner the night before had taken place serenely although much too calmly not to demonstrate that the previous revelations were still hanging over the crew. The evening had been just as quiet and the cook had been quick to take refuge in his bed even though he hadn't really slept. Beyond his usual insomnia, he had resolved to put his resolution into practice and that's why as soon as breakfast had been eaten and his crewmates dispersed, he had headed towards the lair of their doctor with determination.

Chopper's voice wasn't long to be heard and he invited him to enter. As the cook crossed the threshold, the doctor turned in his direction from his desk to greet him. Recognizing his friend, the little reindeer couldn't help but be surprised but he didn't comment and Sanji felt his nervousness grip him again. The doctor had never been a man of few words in front of his patients and he was always curious, reassuring or eager. Seeing this shift towards him today was painful but Sanji knew he had deserved it.

"Chopper, I wanted to apologize."

The little reindeer turned his seat more to face him completely before shaking his head. "Don't."

Sanji bit his lip uncomfortably. "I understand you're angry. I came to see you because I was sick and you wanted to do your job but I didn't make it easy for you. I was so taken by my desire to hide from the crew what I was doing with the Raid Suit that I didn't think to tell you something obvious…"

"I really mean it, Sanji, don't apologize. I shouldn't have made you feel guilty about it."

The blond stared at him as the little doctor turned off the fire under his solution which had started to bubble.

"I don't understand…"

"I made an error of appreciation," the little reindeer sighed, returning his attention to him, "I too often forget that before being my patients, you're my friends above all and I want to treat you so much that I lose sight of one of the fundamental bases of medicine."

Sanji raised an eyebrow and Chopper looked at him sadly. "You can't help someone who doesn't want to get better."

At these words, the cook's eyes widened. "But I wanna get better!" He assured him, astounded. "Believe me, Chopper, there's nothing I'd like more right now!"

"I know you're sincere but unconsciously, you're not letting us anywhere near you, Sanji," the reindeer pointed out gently. "I'm more used to treating physical wounds than psychological ones and that's why I didn't take this parameter into account earlier but it's obvious this is a crucial aspect about you."

The blond didn't answer, unsettled, and Chopper looked at him again.

"I don't know why you don't allow yourself to get better, even if I have several hypotheses… I've been thinking about it though and I have something to suggest to you."

"Really?" Sanji inquired hopefully.

The doctor nodded firmly. "I think Law would be better able to help you than me."

His friend stared back at him. "Seriously? I mean, okay, he's a doctor and Luffy likes him so he probably can be trusted but I don't see how he could help me. In fact, you're the one who knows me best!"

"Well, that's sort of the point. There are a lot of emotional stakes between us, Sanji. I'm your doctor but we're part of the same crew and you don't want to disappoint us, which is completely normal. In such cases, a neutral person is more appropriate."

"This guy ain't neutral, he's trying to extract information from us about the poneglyphs! Not to mention this alliance we made with him! I won't lie down on a couch to tell him about my life!" The blond got dead set against the idea.

"I don't think Law offers psychotherapy," the little reindeer wanted to reassure him.

"Perfect. That way, I have nothing to say to him."

"Everyone is different, you don't need to tell him what you wanna keep to yourself. He might just help you to take a step back. You know, he had a difficult childhood too…"

At these words, Sanji glared at his friend, deeply hurt.

"I don't need a support group for the fucked-up ones! This guy is a fucking psychopath, I got nothing to do with him! I may have been born into the wrong family, but I was raised by someone who had principles and I didn't try to blow up the whole earth for revenge! I ain't like him and I'll never be!"

"Th-That's not what I meant, Sanji…"

The blond froze in front of the suddenly frightened gaze of his crewmate and he realized the implausibility of his words. He ran a shaking hand over his face then.

"S-Sorry, Chopper, I-I don't know why…" The cook sat down heavily on the bed behind him, devastated. "I don't know what's happening to me…"

The little reindeer left his stool to join him and squeezed his thigh when Sanji hid his eyes behind his hands. "You're under enormous stress," he soothed him, "The loss of your sense of smell and taste is a considerable upheaval in the context of tension you were already undergoing."

"Goddmamit, I'm really fucked up…"

"Don't say that. Everyone encounters difficulties at some point, but no one is doomed never to get out of them. With time and proper care, I know you'll get better."

The cook took a long breath to regain control of himself and he finally lowered his hands to bury them in the mattress. He glanced at the little reindeer beside him then.

"Chopper, there's something else I haven't told you about…"

As the doctor's eyes tinged with concern, he hastened to reassure him.

"It has nothing to do with my loss of taste and smell, it happened before we met these rival gangs and even… before that, a long time ago. I think it's related to the fact that I haven't been feeling well lately…"

"Oh." The little reindeer settled down next to him on the bed in the infirmary and the blond took another breath.

"On Kurta Island, I… Well, I used the Raid Suit to help the inhabitants after the landslide and everything went perfectly. Only, right after…" Sanji sighed. "I had a panic attack. Massive. I didn't see it coming."

Chopper considered him for a moment, surprised, before frowning. "Are you sure it was a panic attack? Your body may have been weakened from the exertion and some manifestations of anxiety are quite similar with those of a malaise because of exhaustion."

"I'm sure," the cook affirmed, "Like I told you, it wasn't the first time. When I was a child on the Baratie, I had dozens of them but gradually, they disappeared. It's been years since I had one."

"Did you find the cause of these panic attacks?" The little reindeer asked.

"As you might guess, I suppose it had something to do with what I experienced before meeting Zeff. During…"

Sanji couldn't finish his sentence and Chopper nodded understandingly. The blond shook his head then, a defeated smile on his face. "I learned some breathing techniques and cigarettes helped me a lot at the time. I thought I'd never need it again but obviously, I was wrong…"

"Panic attacks can arise completely out of the blue and for no apparent reason," his friend explained. "If they're related to diffuse stress, they're all the more confusing because there's no particular trigger."

"Yeah, I can tell…"

"I take it you've quickly understood what was happening to you?"

"I did, but… I was caught off guard. It happened suddenly and nothing I usually did worked."

"What do you mean?" The little reindeer inquired, frowning.

"It was weird, I was like… somewhere else. I saw the images in front of my eyes but I had no control. I couldn't hear anything, my sensations disappeared and my thoughts were going in a loop in my head. It was really scary," he whispered, a shiver creeping up his spine at the memory.

"How did the panic attack end?" The doctor asked, visibly preoccupied.

"Zoro… helped me."

The little reindeer stared at him in disbelief. "Zoro was with you when you helped those locals?!"

"No, I was coming back to the Sunny and we ran into each other by accident," the blond explained. "He quickly understood that I wasn't thinking straight and even if I tried with all my might, I couldn't hide it from him for long. I almost fainted in his arms; I could barely stand…"

"What did he do?" The doctor wanted to know.

"I don't really know; I think he shook me to force me to get back on my feet. Then I understood he wanted me to do what he told me so I focused on his voice and after a while, I managed to regulate my breathing and my sensations returned."

"What you're describing sounds like an episode of depersonalization," the little reindeer sighed.

His friend turned to him, confused. "A what now?"

"An episode of depersonalization. It's a psychological symptom during which the patients experience a feeling of loss of sense of themselves and they have no control of the situation. It can be experienced as a result of intense and prolonged stress such as panic attacks."

"Oh. It fits, yeah."

"It is relatively benign but the phenomenon generally generates high levels of anxiety, which can reinforce it. How did you feel afterwards?"

"Very tired. Very… emotional too," the blond added, looking down as he remembered himself crying in the swordsman's arms.

"It fits perfectly. It's a sign, Sanji, you really have to address it."

"How?" The cook sighed, "I really don't wanna talk about it with Law… Are there techniques you could give me if I sense a panic attack coming?"

"Decreasing the heart rate rhythm as you already did is very effective. You can also focus your attention on something specific to bring yourself back to the present, like Zoro did. Or you can imagine yourself in a soothing place in which you must describe all your sensations."

"Interesting," the blond agreed.

"These are only palliatives," the reindeer reminded him, "In order to heal, you must identify the precise cause of your distress."

"Isn't that obvious?" His friend pointed out wearily.

"It's not if your body sends you this kind of signal," Chopper insisted. "Anxiety is indicative of an excessive level of stress which can have very deleterious repercussions on the body."

Sanji sighed again. "Okay, I'll be paying attention to that. I can try to relax but I'm usually too tense to really settle down," he confessed. "I don't think smoking more is recommended and cooking was a good way to try to contain my stress but now…"

"Sport is an excellent way to relax the body and the mind," the little reindeer suggested. "Of course, without going overboard!"

"I think I can work with that," the blond admitted. "I've always loved swimming in the ocean."

"You still need to take into account that the sea is particularly dangerous here," Chopper grimaced. "You really have to be careful…"

"I won't take any chances."

The cook finally seemed to be able to smile again and the doctor could only answer him in the same way to encourage him. He patted his patient's leg again then jumped out and headed for his desk.

"That'll be a good start," he agreed, checking the solution he had left when his friend arrived. "For my part, I'll do my best to find an antidote to the paralysis of your mitral cells."

Behind him, Sanji nodded distractedly. "Do you think I can… continue to use the Raid Suit? Medically speaking, I mean."

The little reindeer turned back to his crewmate who had looked down, visibly embarrassed by his request, before taking a second to think.

"I have no objection if you think it can help you," he finally replied. "Just let us know when you use it. You never know what can happen, especially when you're missing two of your senses, and if you disappear, the crew may panic."

"I promise I'll tell you." The doctor nodded and the blond got up in turn, more relaxed. "Thank you, Chopper. I don't know why I waited so long before telling you about it, I was stupid…"

"Don't worry about it but please, in the future, remember that we're here for you."

"I won't forget it."

Sanji left the infirmary and Chopper reopened his book to continue his research thoughtfully. He was happy to have been able to make his friend smile again, but he had no illusions. Swimming wouldn't be enough to chase away the cook's demons and everyone would have to be attentive in order to surround their crewmate when he would need it.

"Zoro, I'd like to talk to you for a minute."

Night had just fallen and the swordsman lowered his dumbbell to look at the reindeer who was staring at him. Chopper seemed concerned and his little head was barely sticking out of the hatch of the crow's nest he had opened.

"Is something wrong?"

"Not really. I just talked to Sanji about his panic attack on Kurta Island this morning and wanted to ask you a few questions."

The fencer put his dumbbell down at his feet and grabbed the towel he had put down not far from him while sitting down on the bench along the large bay windows. Meanwhile, the ship's doctor hoisted himself fully inside and closed the hatch behind him.

"He ended up telling you about it then."

Chopper nodded and climbed up to sit beside him.

"I didn't say anything because I didn't see the point if he couldn't even admit it," the swordsman explained.

"This isn't what I wanted to address," the reindeer said, "You were probably right about that; there's no point trying to push him to talk if he doesn't feel the need to. Sanji isn't used to worrying about himself and I forgot about this when I was angry with him for hiding that he had inhaled that smoke…"

Zoro took a sip of water and the little reindeer continued.

"That panic attack seemed intense but he doesn't remember exactly what happened, his sensations were numb. Can you describe what you remember?"

The swordsman searched his memory for a moment.

"I was going back to the ship when I saw him. I knew something was off right away, he looked like a lost prey about to get killed. He persisted in telling me everything was fine but he was shaking like a leaf and his breathing quickly went crazy. I told him to slow down but he wasn't listening, he looked nuts.

I ended up forcing him to look at me and then he started doing what I was telling him. At one point, he grabbed my arms and his hands were freezing despite being in the sun. I don't think he realized it. It took a while but he calmed down even though he was quite shaken up."

"What you saw confirms my diagnosis…"

Silence fell in the crow's nest and Zoro glanced at his crewmate. His movement took the little doctor out of his thoughts then.

"I think you're already aware of that but Sanji has been in a very vulnerable state for a while and the loss of his sense of smell and taste only adds to his stress. Cooking or wearing the Raid Suit are ways to contain it. He still denies it a little but the state of panic you observed says it all. It's a protective mechanism of the mind against an anxiety that he can no longer bear."

"What are we supposed to do?"

"Not much from our side," the little reindeer sighed. "He needs to agree to go deeply into the origin of his condition and it's painful but we can't do it for him. We can only show him that we're here and that we still love him. We shouldn't overwhelm him either at the risk of scaring him away. When he's ready, he'll let us know."

Zoro didn't add anything but his gaze didn't hide his skepticism. The cook had probably always lived in a state of agitation that the crew hadn't questioned since they had never seen him behave otherwise. Sanji had been hiding his distress for years and he had never been inclined to share it. The fencer himself had seen nothing. He prided himself on knowing his crewmate but he never got past the image Sanji had stuck in front of his eyes before he exploded on Kurta.

The swordsman sighed. He blamed himself for not understanding earlier that the cook was eaten away from inside just as much as for not insisting when he had started to accumulate the clues. It was his duty to protect the crew but no doubt his feelings for the blond had confused his perception. Yet he blamed Sanji too. The cook didn't realize that he had all the elements in hand to move forward and Zoro would have been tempted to stand up and tell him the hard truth, but Chopper seemed to believe that their companion needed to move on on his own.

The fencer shook his head and got up to pick up his dumbbell. Zoro had never thought that the cook was weak and he knew Sanji was perfectly capable of facing any of their opponents and staring them straight in the eye, no matter how strong they were. Yet the confession of the navigator a few days earlier about the fight between the captain and the cook of the straw hat crew had confirmed to Zoro what he had always known deep inside him: Sanji's greatest enemy was none other than himself and like his crewmate, this evil twin would stop at nothing.

We get into the hard part with a lot of small pieces that will be useful for the next chapters…